Somedays......

<==== Somedays you don't feel like being the good guy. I've officially changed the photo over there to reflect: the pissed off asshat that comes out when I don't get enough sleep, don't get enough booze, feel like being the meathead that everyone hated in High school, looking like a rockstar, feeling tough, being a fraternity guy and all it entails, walking down the street in Sch'dirt, chatting with bikers at stop lights, scaring little kids in the supermarket while searching for Carvel icecream bunny cakes, when I'm driving, when I'm talking to cops in Lake George or Saratoga or Schenectady or Potsdam or Boston or Syracuse or Bozeman or Big Sky or Oneonta or Burlington or Manchester or anywhere else I've spoken to Police in an official business like setting for them, when I feel like feeling like a guy who is muscular must feel, when I shoot pool, when I have to work on a regular day off, if it's sunny out and I feel like wearing a hat backwards, most generally most lately.

I think it works for me. Now all I have to do is start treating people like shit on a regular basis, buy a bonsai tree, and all my dreams will come true. Or at least I'll get a blue cheese and horseradish crusted steak out of the deal.

Running out of Gas

This past weekend was just as I expected. Unfortunately I didn't get to do all the things I had planned on the agenda. The Friday BAchelor party was fun.... ran into Beuf's Bar. Lost my Credit Card somewhere out on Lake George doing 80mph in the pitch black of night. I felt like a drug runner...it was awesome. I'm Pretty sure that a Credit card can't swim seeing as how they don't have arms or legs. Saturday was the furniture move, which started later than expected due to the Hunt for C.C. Red October. IN the house...no....at the bars....NO.....in the lake?....most likely. By the time all was said and done couch out, couch in, trailor, recliners, chairs, dressers, in, out, in , out....transported to my place, in, up and done., It was too late and I was shy just about 9hrs of sleep, to attempt the drive to CT. The celebration for Steve and Rachels gettin' hitched 9hrs after the ceremony was alive and kickin when I got a call wondering where the hell I was. When the furniture was loaded and packed into my place and the placement was finished, I had made it three steps closer to the bedroom when the specific gravity of said new couch in my place sucked me in and didn't let go until 3pm today. I have no doubt that should I have tried to drive down to the celebration, they would be peeling me off the side of the road wrapped around a Mack truck...still sleeping gently in a pudding like state somewhere near Poughkeepsie..

First opening I get I have to drive down and apologize in person with Stogies and a few uber expensive bottles of Andre' Cham"pain". ok, ok I'll bring a bottle of Dom...but the case of Andre is less expensive being that it's only 3$ a bottle.

Miss Rachel, Steve.... apologies for my absence.

In the shadows

After returning home from work Thursday at 2am, I was ready for a great big day of relaxing. I took the normal route to the Oasis, T-minus 5minutes of travel and a much needed after work beer. When I pulled into the complex there was a pleasant gentle breeze. My now {normal parking spot was open as per the neighbors leaving it for me}. You still have to love territoriality and the benefits it can afford you no matter how old you get. (just don't use MY F-in' crayons bitch!).

I stepped out of my truck, glanced at the light shining over the locked entrance way to my building started my not so laborious walk carrying my spent tupperware dinner containers, man-purse around my shoulders and keys at the ready..... when I heard a voice.

Some dude, was walking out of the shadows toward me. Instantly thanks to the ""old neighborhood"", fight or flight had me glance at the door, then with ninja cat-like reflexes (Because a ninjacat is just that much faster than a regular ninja) I had a blade shining in the light and was inquiring why said monkey had decided to startle me and whether or not he was willing to get cut up for said offense. Here's the interaction between middle aged fat lard scaring people on the way into their apartment bastard (FL, Fat Lard) and knife weilding ready to gut you if you blink wrong=> me (DH, Dirty Harry).

~FL... "Hey man can you give me a ride to Brandywine and State, my mother lives down the way in another building and I couldn't wake her, to give me a ride home" "she's 70yrs old."
~DH..."Your Mom is 70 and you're banging on her door at 2:30am expecting to wake her to give you a ride to crack corner in Sch'dirt?"
~FL... "I have cash I can give you for gas"
~DH.."take a step back chief, I'll call you a cab"
~FL..."I only have 3$, not enough for a cab"
~DH.."What the F are you doing 8miles from where you want to be, walking around at 2:30am, asking people for rides from peeps with 3 F'in dollars?"
~FL...."you looked young, I didn't think one of the old people here would listen to me"
(2:35am)
~DH..."You think you're Mother would have gotten up to drive your ass up there?"
~FL... "probably not"
~DH..."what makes you think a stranger would give you a lift?"
~FL..."I was at the K-mart up the street, and thought I'd walk over here to my mothers to ask for a ride."
~DH..."There's no Kmart up the street..."
~FL ..."could you give me a lift?"
~DH..."How much would you give me for gas money should I decide to give you a lift?"
~FL.."I only have 10dollars"
~DH...Back the fuck up man"
~FL..."I just need a ride" ( approaches DH, and then sees glimmer of blade)
~FL..."whoa man, no need to be hostile"
~DH..."I'm headed into the building, I'm calling a cab, your ass is going to stay away from my truck, and wait in the middle of the parking lot in the light until the cab shows up, or you're headed to Glenville PD's finest hotel room."
~FL "F-U, man....."
~DH...."guess it's the G-ville police then I'm sure they'll give you a ride home" (DH almost has time to hit send on the cel phone that he had dialed 911 on covertly)

G-ville PD shows up; sketchball is waiting in the light in the center of the parking lot well away from my truck. Mom Dukes had already called the police and they had been on their way.

Enter, (BA, Bad Ass ginormous thunderstick weilding Copmonster, 6'6" 280lbs, wearing shades and carrying a flashlight/nightstick/bazooka combo. less than 2min later.)

~FL..."that som-bitch called you?, FU man, that's bullshit"
~BA..."what seems to be the problem?"
~DH.. (reiterates, whole scene)
~BA...(tells story from FL's Mom's perspective with restraining order)
~DH..."Fair enough I'm going to bed" (basic, report filing)
~BA..."FL you're under arrest for violating an order of protection."

(FL gets chauffered away wearing silver braclets by BA).

Total time lapse 10minutes. July 4th, standard day right off. WTF!?

This is a Post

This is a post that has more substance than the last three weeks of posts.

Stepping out of the Norm.

I decided today that, I wanted to try my hand at the lottery, not the vending machine lottery but the Win 4 Life lottery. I scratched diligently and carefully trying to make it a cliffhanger. So slowly I scratched hoping to see a shit-ton of "Win" or a great prize in the prize area.... I should stick to the things that I know. B6 wins me a Lipton Iced Green Tea. it costs just about the same and is twice as refreshing.

I have tommorrow off so I won't have to be here at work, and I'm trying to decide how to celebrate the Independence of Our fine country. I think that I'm going to Commute to the local beer store on my Scooter and buy me some tasty cold British Beers, set a Bush on fire and watch a baseball game with grilled weenies and peanuts.

twits using my oxygen

The New Zealand Herald reports ........"Lindsay Lohan has been tipped to play Paris Hilton in a movie of her life. The Mean Girls actress, who is currently in Malibu's Promises rehab centre, could also be joined by Britney Spears on the project. A source told Britain's Daily Mail newspaper: "There have already been negotiations with a major film company to make the Paris Hilton biopic with Lindsay Lohan playing Paris - with Britney Spears singing the soundtrack."..........

I'm going to have to think really hard not to be rude when saying anything about this particular topic. And it has to be true, cuz I got the Hollywood Gossip from a paper based in New Zealand....they have hobbits and shit down there.

I've spent the majority of the evening trying to look busy at work, being as offkilter as I am. It's not that I partied like a rockstar to the extent that I almost wore black leather stinky pants and sang Kareoke, leaving the rest of my crew to play in the Air Band behind me. I don't do stuff like that. The amount of retardation that I normally subject myself to on a given weekend was pretty comperable to this weekends madness. It was definitely the driving that kept me from resting, and the scheduling that made it impossible to catch anything even remotely like sleep except for the 5min power nap I took on Gonzo's couch ;after the return trip from CT, before heading to the Hellfire and Brimstone party. Refreshing no so much...it felt too good to close my eyes and then have to hop on the bus to whoop it up for another 12hrs. I ate a ton of food, which is different than my normal diet on the weekends, and didn't really lace up my drankin boots that tight. This evening I'm going to hope and pray that I don't get into the same mode I was in last week at his time, staying awake until wednesday.

The upcoming weekend has more jam packed fun in store. Here's the break down. Friday afternoon, an Early dinner at the Water's Edge.... I take flight to Lake George for a Bachelor Party (Bars close at 4am) I get up, Sat morning to race home and be here for the new couchs' arrival. A quick Shower and pimping of the suit and tie variety to hit the road for South Eastern CT and a wedding. Tie one on at the after reception, I'll be pimped out, so it's going to be a Scotch night. Find a suitable place sleep like in the passenger seat of my truck. Sunday I have a B-B-Que to attend in the early aftermorning back in Glenville, followed by work until 3am. Caffiene and Nicotine fueled ball of energy That's what I'll be.

I'll be away on Wednesday unfortunately they've decided to give me a paid holiday, Strange enough, I've never had one of those before. This place rocks with all it's hurry up and wait, paychecks, and paid holidayness. I think I'll stick it out for another year or so.

June 29th - 30th

UGH.............. not quite feeling like typing, but will mention an AR-15 with grenade launcher, laser, and flashlight, and a blowtorch. Give a dog a bone already. Both of which I was able to get my hands on prior to the Super-Que and firework display of champions back closer to my homestead.....

To describe the weekend I can only say that I'm Shattered tired right now, and definitely had a quality time.

Yet another weekend approaches

It's high time that another glorious weekend is soon to be in full swing. This weekend will be the beginning of my tsunami month of July. It all begins tommorrow morning at 10am (an ungodly hour for the likes of this guy). Armpits @sshole crotch and teeth, a cup of coffee and then I hit the road for CT. Panini and keggy weg for lunch followed by a relaxing evening trying to find the bottom of the barrel. It's only a 2hr jaunt so making it back for the July30th-4th of july party at 3pm on Sat shouldn't be a difficult task. When I arrive back at the homestead and once again cleans the necessities, I'll nap for an hour, wait for my ride to Spanky's lounge and then jump balls deep into a swimming pool filled with ice and beer. After the deep freeze when the light passes over the horizon, Spanky's Lounge's patriarch will be unleashing hellfire and brimstone to the tune of 4k worth of loud, and bright aerial fireworks. The asshats I arrived with and I will then retire to the tikibar and imbibe tasty cool beverages from coconuts until sunrise.

Be back Sunday, listing to the right 30 degrees and unable to type coherantly.


.....after 12 coats of gesso each, and an inordinate amount of time I'm finally ready to get creative with my bad self. Above are the panels ready for paint. To help judge the scale, I've left a size 11 1/2 Adidas trail runner at the bottom right and the outlet to the left is standard. Since I'm leaning toward minimal most of the background white isn't going to change. Once I've finished and allowed the piece to dry and the varnish to set, and install it, I'll post a few more pics. It won't be for some time...I can't focus in on a decent composition. The quality of the pic, and the "not quite settled in the new place lighting" sucks, I apologize for that.

If it looks alright, via the principles of asthetics and design, I'll be trying to compose similar pieces to generate a body of work worthy of public display. Emo my shit silly and whore myself out to the 5th gallery that is interested in selling it for me. As far as self promotion goes, once the majority of a body of work is completed....I mass email the 300artists that I regularly keep in touch with from my stint as Exhibition Coordinator and Sales Director at the Southern Vermont Arts Center. I've hinted to colleagues that I'm ready to produce and have gotten warm reception from venues in VT, MA, and Upstate NY with allusions to name dropping and personal contacts for others. A possible birth in the near future?!. Hear-say, conjecture...and possible blowing of sunshine.

It's taken me 8yrs to get motivated, and have a space large enough make it possible. F*ck that Noise!

ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment

When living in an Apartment building that only houses 8 individual units. It's a safe bet that when you run into your upstairs neighbor for the first time. (the one that is constantly being mindful not to thunderstomp or create auditory chaos above you) that you try to seem pleasant. Especially if said upstairs neightbor = Me, is being sociable and asking if there have been any instances where it was a bit too loud or unaccomodating informing you that he is willing to take steps to not cause any undue stress in your life. If you yourself choose to be an incompatible bitch and your hubby hasn't the slightest bit of ambition for a courtesy handshake, you may not like the next arrival of your upstairs neighbor or his Marilyn Manson blasting off at 4am when he returns from work, the head banging, or the bouncing around that may ensue. (My World is an Ashtray, and you're not going to enjoy the Sweet Dreams). Hop on the bandwagon and follow the example of the other 6 Apartment dwellers in the building, put on a happy face even if it's fake.

I'll refrain from becoming That Guy but only until the second meeting, at which point if the hospitality doesn't turn itself on, all bets are off. Be kind, and I won't knock on your door at 2am after a night out on the town and ask you for a burrito.


Second hint of the moment, it's better to shit yourself than use anything even remotely like this.......

Sleeep

I was able to snag a few hours of sleep last night. Actually..... my body shut down at 4am and I slept until 4pm. Sleep is not over-rated. I used to think it was but I'm older and not even close to being wiser...being older is reason enough. Hopefully I won't ever have a relapse into the same mode I was in for the last three days, that just sucked, hardcore sucked.

3 days from now the month of "exhaustively busy" begins with a jaunt to Somers CT. Vinnie BAg'O New House. I can't wait to travel more than the truck needs and get my rockstar mojo going to exponential proportions. I refuse to wear leather stinky pants though.

I'm 3/4's of the way prepared for the studio session.
I'm thinking of buying a new suit or a dirtbike, I can't decide which I would use or need less.
There a yottle in my bottle and I can't get it out.
Aquafina bottle water isn't as good as Vermont Pure.
An 32" LCD flatscreen TV is within reach.
I have nothing but beverages and condiments in my fridge.
Laundry is optional given the heirarchy of smell test and basic lack of care as to whether there are bleech stains or pasta sauce on shit.
It's balls stuck to the leg hot today.
My neighbors are non-existant but that doesn't give me the right to get my paper after walking down the hall of my Apt. building in tighty whities and a wife beater, again.
I'm shedding like a dog.
Tonight is goign to be a boring evening at the GAzette.

CONGRADULATIONS!!!

Miss Becky and Solo have announced that they are officially goin' to get hitched. I can't say enough cool things about these two individuals. Of the Shaggy Bob's Top Twenty list of "Quality" people.... they're up there. Congradulations and all the best. WOOooooooooooooo!!!

Todays Randomness

Today's Randomness is brought to you by insomnia, the word EXECRABLE : ex·e·cra·ble Pronunciation: 'ek-si-kr&-b&l
Function: adjective 1 : deserving to be execrated : DETESTABLE 2 : very bad : WRETCHED, and the number 57 (hrs.)

Deep Sleep (over-the-counter) sleeping pills
THE SHIT IT DOES :
Induces sleep
Reduces frequency and length of sleepless periods
Have a sound, calm and refreshing sleep
Calms the nervous system
Helps body muscles to relax
Contributes to the reduction of symptoms associated with anxiety, stress and depression
Highly effective anti-spasmodic

THE SHIT THAT'S IN THERE:
Reishi Mushrooms (Prevention of diseases, such as insomnia, hypertension, headache, stomach ache. Favour relaxation and stress relief, reduce tiredness & weakness)
Zizyphi fruit (Most popular sedative herb. Calms spirit, reduces anxiety & stress and promotes sleep. The product is safe and beneficial to the liver.)
Rhodiola rosea (Antioxidant for nervous system)
Schisandra (Tonic, immune system, antioxidant)
5-HTP (Symbol for serotonin, adjusts serotonin level, can give your emotions stability and balance)
Safflower (Acts liver channels)
Hawthorne Berries (Helps to reduce stress)
Wolfberry (Blood tonic, liver & eye tonic, calming properties and blood pressure)
St-John's wort (Treatment for mild to moderate depression and reduces anxiety)

HELL anything that has both Zizyphi fruit, AND Wolfberry can't be bad for ya. I'm gonna eat this stuff like popcorn. As long as Wolfberry isn't a code word for dogshit, and Zizyphi isn't a 300lb transvestite stripper/hooker. I'll be golden.

T-minus 45minutes until my pillow jumps up and attaches itself to my face a la LV-426, and doesn't let go for hours.

1/2 way there with the panel prep. It pays to forego sleeping and put in a 6 hours of mindless application of gesso to panels. I wasn't even the least bit stunned that the birds were chirping when I decided that I was covered enough in white to try and make the uneventful attempt at snoozing. Ever stare at the ceiling wondering why you can't sleep even though you are super tired? I put in a good 4hrs trying to lull myself into R.E.M. Sheep count 1,000,001 No dice. Now, I'm a caffiene and nicotene fueled ball of retarded. I dozed off for a few immediately upon arrival at my desk. It's going to be a muther of a night.

End it already

I've officially been awake since Saturday at nooner, there's something disorderly about that. The evening at work, super boring. .... not even a hint of sleepy. It's time to head home and take some drugs. If I haven't slept by work tommorrow I can absolutely gaurantee a big winner post. incoherant ramblings and allusions about the perfect potato flying over the desert in a canoe until the roof falls off, then it'll be a matter of judging how many pop-tarts it takes to cover a bathroom floor. And no answers with "toaster's don't have ears and Icecream has no-backbone" count.

I'm hunting Zzzzzz's

New Responsibility

After last weeks culling of the not so recently hired, I'm back at work and have been told that since there is a shortage of people for certain positions now.... I'm going to be training to become a Paginator. If you don't know what that is, don't fret..it's a fancy way of saying "take this comp. file and place it on this page in this program so that nothing else moves or looks shitty for the paper, rinse and repeat as necessary for that healthy pro-vitamin glow." It's a job that my supervisors are doing now for way more cash than I'm paid...and perhaps down the road I'll be able to slip into that role and the higher tax bracket.[Either here at the Gazette or for some other publication in the area] It's a good thing basically. It pads the resume, could be a direction that would move me up in the heirarchy and or make me more marketable, of course it's just about as boring if not more than what I'm doing now.

This weekend was pretty lame on the rockstar scale, and wouldn't even make it into the Top 100 weekends of Shaggy's All Time Monkey Fun list. I did however get ahold of some gesso and started priming my panels for the installation. To properly get the base down on the panel it only takes about 10 coats of the gesso, give or take. I finished one of the four and it only took a combined time of 9hrs, I staggered the others in between coats and did this poorly planned rotation thing to keep myself occupied while the previous coats of ground were drying. It actually puts me just over 1/3rd of the way to being able to start the design aspect of the piece. ( It's going to be a minimal composition, but that means that more thought has to be put into the finished design instead of relying on my tried and true method of sliding around hap-hazardly and hoping for the best. abstract check!). I'm still toying with the idea of using Lapiz Lazuli, something about that blue really does it for me specially wih the gold flecks.

The wedding season is on the doorstep, the month of July is booked. I'll be able to get out and travel when August gets here. Maybe even get out on a course and use my severely neglected golf clubs. They're gathering dust, and are a little bit pissed off at me.

Divine Hitchhiking

This guy is making a pilgrimage through the Capital district , on his way to visit all the jesuseseses around the world. He needs a lift...... and a shower. Hook a Brother up.

I myself am going to eat crackers and drink boxed wine.

Until Sunday a bid you.....

Jesus in a tree has seen, and, endorses this message.

Making the CUT

Today I arrived at work to a solemn bunch of MoMos milling about in a daze. Of course being the guy that I am..I was fairly chipper and laughing away joking a fair bit and completely oblivious to what apparently was going on. My immediate design supervisor approached me upon my entrance in the building and offered me a smoke....( strange I thought, but since I'm trying to quit the ol lung darts it was a good reason to put that off for a bit.) we chatted for a short time and then she said that "I'm safe"... I haven't played baseball since Jr. High, and I'm usually more prone to play wiffle-beer....which basically amounts to if you didn't spill your beer running to first base you are definitely safe.

I found out that the Gazette was in the mood to save some cash money, and they decided the best plan of attack for that would be to lay people off. 12 in total were let go today. Total years of service for the Gazette spread amoungst them was just shy of 200yrs. I'm humble I've only been here for 1 1/2yrs and yeah...I do nothing of great importance, never have a full plate, and spend the majority of my down time trying to find the end of the intarwebb. I'm still a bit shocked that they would axe someone that was with the company for 28yrs much less all the other peeps. My direct over-all super supervisor hasn't made his way to work yet so an impending life change may still be in the cards. I'm apprehensive, a bit nervous.... and not too sure of what is going to happen. SO, perhaps it's time to hop on the old 10 Museum job websites again and scatter the "over qualified" resume to entry level openings across the conuntry, once again.

If you know of any opening in Musuems or non-profit institutions around your neck of the woods (exhibition Coordinator, Registrar, Preparator, Assistant Director, Collections Management) send the info along and you may have a new neighbor in the coming weeks. (It just sucks that I finally moved in to a place that I can finally call home)

I can see some serious bruxism for the next few evenings.

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is once again brought to you by MAC DERMID: Printing Solutions, NAPPflex III printing plates. The word: LACERATION lac·er·a·tion Pronunciation: las--r-shn Function: noun 1 : the act of lacerating, 2 : a torn and ragged wound, and the number 5.

Someday I will be more careful while playing with 1.5mm aluminum plates that have edges honed to surgical sharpness, today I just threw caution to the wind and did the disco hustle. ah, aah, aah, oww, aaaaahh...Stayin' Alive

And for your viewing pleasure Jesus in a tree trunk......


.....cuz if a fake diety were to be anywhere, it's in a GOD damned tree trunk in Tennessee. O'Darwin RULZ!!!!

Aftermath

After the torrent thunderboomers last evening and a boring night at the old grind I woke up prior to usual this morning to a beautiful sunny day, gentle breeze and a french press full of a specially blended mixture of my own concoction. Far beit from my normal life to waste the daylight hours away contemplating doing something useful for once while the sun is still up and heating the planet. er, uh....yeah.

SO....I started priming the panels that are going to become the installation in my livingroom. 4 panels, 28" x 84", and not enough primer. Malwart didn't have what I was looking for so I went to the local art supply warehouse and decided that perhaps I should pay rent before buying the necessary pigments to cover the panels. It's not like I was thinking of hooking myself up with Lapiz Lazuli or something.....god forbid more expensive. I just wanted some gesso so that I could correctly prepare the panels for oil paint. Art warehouse....gesso....rent,Hmmmm make a decision, right? SO for the rest of this month I'll be begging for OT at the Gazette, and eating like a Ramen gourmet. Impulse (check) level headed forsight with regard to responsibility (not so much). It's never too late to put off being an adult afterall.

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by Lettieri's Philly Cheese Steak sandwiches, the word Scorched Function: verb
to burn on the surface, and the number 2:45 (Min, the time it takes to blister the roof of your mouth after not waiting the ascribed 1min to cool).

Hunger is no reason to say to hell with direction. I'm such an Ass

AIR SHAGGY, fly the best

Today I was sitting on my balcony...just passing the time with a good book in the sun (can you believe it?). I was deep into the rammifications of Homer's contributions to modern poetry when out of the sun a bird of prey came screaming down a la Japanese Zero toward a US Aircraft carrier circa 1943. After the initial startledness wore away, I began to think there had to be a reason that a talon bearing bird decided to buzz my balcony. It wasn't due to the Odyssey I was certain. I looked around my outdoor digs and found a visitor trying to break into my apt by way of Air conditioning vent. He was almost in when I caught the little guy. He must have been frightened exponentially more than myself after the dive bombing hawk made its appearance. That and being on my balcony, where height and size are completely relative..would have been like me holding on for dear life 70 stories up as an Apache decided to do a dance with me. I'm not afraid of heights where I know that I'll die should I fall (like an airplane crash) I am however frightened to death of falling say off the top of a ladder where I know that I'll just bust shit up and have to talk out of the side of my mouth after the paralyzing rapid stop at the bottom.



I made my way back into the kitchen to get the little guy a bite to eat...he enjoyed the better part of a cracker while sitting on my deck table...after which he and I had a chat about the prospect of his ever living should he decide to get into my apartment. I basically told him that if I should find him enjoying any tasty treats directly from my kitchen that he would inevitably collect for himself a free flight on AIR SHAGGY. Departure: My balcony....Arrival: The duck pond 70ft away after a brief hangtime. While enroute he would have to fend for himself with regard to any bogies with talons that may be in that airspace.

After our chat I picked him up, brought him through the apartment (Showing him the Shangri la he would be missing)downstairs to the front door and let him go on his merry way under the camoflage of a pine tree.

Good luck my little friend I hope for your sake that we never meet again.

GOD BLESS'em!

I'm not talking about a Stripper at Double Vision, I'm not talking about a helpful young waitress that I definitely caught staring at my junk at dinner on Saturday evening, I'm referring to the woman at the Hannaford's supermarket that was having a heated debate with her teenage daughter. I pulled into a parking space across and one up from the dynamic duo and witnessed that they were in a verbal skuffle back and forth in their car, teenage girl passenger and I only assume Moms sitting behind the wheel.

I exited my vehicle, and made the mistake of walking past the driver side door of their car. During the frackus battle of; no doubt, wit and sarcasm I happened to be passing Moms door when it flew open and tagged me in the twig and berries. I didn't go down, cuz in the back of my head;...actually during the out of body experience I was having looking over my own shoulder, I had seen it coming a mile away but the apparition me, couldn't tap the real me on the shoulder. Corner of a door + my crotch + the speed with which the door was traveling = loss of breath, a vertical bruise, and trouble sitting much less deciding on the grocery list that went by the wayside. I take solice in the fact that their Arguement about Shrek 3 stopped at the very moment of contact and didn't progress between the two byrds. God Bless'em and their foresight to save me the anguish of hearing about Princess Fiona when my balls were slowly recovering from the thunder clap. For fear of getting blocked by everyone on the net there is no camera phone picture goodness of the black and blue line crossing my wang and stones.

No public viewings have been scheduled.

This Weekend's Randomness

This weekend's randomness is brought to you by, laundry, the word corybantic : \kor-ee-BAN-tik\ : adjective
: like or in the spirit of a Corybant; especially : wild, frenzied, and the number 907.18474 kilograms.

This message sponsored by US mint quarters, TIDE, Bounce, Spanish Peaks Brewery, and Slim Jim Products Co.

See you all Sunday

Damned Doritos

So..... we have a new worker in our group that basically does data input for us graphically adept people to incorporate into our designs and make pretty for the Newspaper. She types We cut and paste. To date, she really doesn't have a work station of her own so two days a week I roll into work and she's at my computer, the desktop is different, the dock is in a different place, my font-charts are disheveled and there's no room to put my coffee in its regular spot. The chair has been raised up to accomodate her posterior, my party-in-a-vest has to wait to warm the back of said chair, and she's usually munching on one of the delectable little snacks I have in my candy drawers. [I'm a graphic designer...what do you expect me to have in my drawers, legal documents?] She's only here for 2hrs of my shift, two wonderfully displaced hours of pure territoriality mongerness of my shift. 4hrs a week. It really doesn't get me too heated, I can re-adjust everything back to where it should be and go about my evening when she leaves. BUT tonight.......oh tonight, to-NITE my Dorito's were stale when I opened the freshly purchased bag and god damn it....I'm F-in Pissed!!!!!! (Six G-Damned exclamation points of pissed) F*ckin' Doritos!! F*ck'em in their Arse with an orange capt'n caveman wiffle ball bat sideways. Cool Ranch that Asshats.





....retro A&W, you're still cool.

ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment

When ordering food at a restaruant, should the food come out of the kitchen not as perfect as you like it, it's acceptable to send it back to have it cooked your way once. Should it come out the second time just a bit off but closer to the way you do actually like it, refrain from returning it to the kitchen a second time. As a person aquainted with the food service industry and more importantly a one time cook myself...the second return can only bring about hostility to not only you , by the server and the cook...but may also liberate a haneous expectorant or some other nasty foodie degredation on your behalf.

These people don't make the best wages and aren't actually in the same frame of mind as yourself, along with your returned meal they also have to prepare others' food. The second "I don't like it" is a slap in the face and tolerance basically goes out the door at that point.

I've witnessed 1 return, 2 returns, and 3 returns.... (2 got a re-heat to medium well by way of a 5 second rule violation) (3 got a sneeze after the 5 second rule violation).

Not all places are this way, 4 star dining establishments with Head chefs are above it. If you are at a diner and Mel is behind the counter listening to Flo bitch at him don't send it back.

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by, losing the vending machine lottery (i.e B6 is still hanging), the word atrabilious ~ \at-ruh-BIL-yus\ ~ adjective 1 : given to or marked by melancholy : gloomy *2 : ill-natured, peevish, and the number 0.65.

ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment

After re-reading my post about the ShaggyBob School of Attitude Adjustment (Of which I am extrodinarily proud by the way...yet still no calls for help) I decided that there are many people out there that could benefit in various ways by modeling my life. So In addition to "Todays Randomness", which by now you have noticed is fairly random. I will also be adding "ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment"

ShaggyBob's Self-help hint of Moment:
Watching your weight:

Should you yourself want to become 6'1" and weigh 160lbs look emaciated, skeletorish and severely goonie. Here's how I do it. I eat two good sized meals a day, I eat whatever is put or cooked in front of me. I'm not bashful...every meal I eat until I think I'm going to explode...then stuff in some more until it pains me for hours. If it's greasy or not it's not a big deal....eat a shit-ton of food! Inbetween these gastronomic feats of self indulgence I snack very frequently on candy, granola...and small sandwiches, chips..,rodents and anything else that strikes my fancy at that particular moment.

I only drink Water, Coffee, Beer, Wine and Booze. Occasionally I treat myself to Iced Tea. That being said, in addition to the ginormous set of meals pounded down like a starving third world urchin, each weekend tack on at least 2 cases of beer. It doesn't have to be in one sitting although I've tried many times. The quality of beer has nothing to do with the slimming effects of the diet. Light beer just means tacking on an additional 12 or 24 to the grand total for the weekend.

Exercising regularly is a sure fire way to keep off the weight, here's my daily workout: I wake up....I lug the donkey in to pee, I shower, I cook, and I do nothing else...save for the times I'm sitting on my ass watching the tube, or reading a trashy book/magazine/gumwrapper/ some damned bill.

Getting enough sleep is paramount, I tend to go to bed around 5-5:30 am (of course that's due to my work schedule, we have to abide by the rules of the money God and trudge to work everyday) I'll usually sleep until about 2-2:30 in the afternoon unless I feel like keeping my eyes closed and could quite possibly at that point sleep until 5-5:30 in the evening until I have to get up for work. Stay rested...I find that in order to keep myself in the rugged shape that I'm in and not lose any sleep over it I stretch out for about 9-10hrs a day.

It works for me....why shouldn't it work for you. Oh and having a metabolism that puts the efficiency of a nuclear powerplant to shame doesn't hurt either.

Dining room Additon

I officially have a dining room table in my place, well...as per me....I officially have a standard pub table with which to eat off.

l would have gone for the 18 person Mahogany conference type dining room table with the high back medieval hand-carved one off chairs, but I didn't think it would be my style, I live alone, and I couldn't get 18 people in my apartment without the table or chairs much less with. I'm fairly comfortable standing or sitting on a stool at a pub with table near me.... SO that's how I rolled. Next up...a deep fryer and a recipe for McDuff's Blue Cheese. I think my heart just stopped...nope, just a bit thicker with the old artery walls.

Beer fridge on tap.

Oh and I forgot...in that last post. "Betty White, You're on the list...You always were my favorite Golden Girl you little Minx"

That'll learn'em

I've decided that in lieu of the West Coast starlet/celebrity crisis and the impending future ridiculosity that I will gladly offer my services. The ShaggyBob School of Attitude Adjustment is now open for business. It's a simple way for young hot celebrities out yonder, to finally get the attention that they most assuradly are lacking in their personal lives, right the wrongs that they have produced for society and gain some self respect that attention whores need to survive in this oh so terrible world.

The ShaggyBob School of Attitude Adjustment is there for you ladies. My simple yet effective attitude adjustment system is nothing short of the latest and greatest throwback to a by gone era of smartening you right the fuck up. Simply pay the modest $35,000/hr fee and I will be more than happy to travel to your home and spank you until my hand hurts. My sevices are available long term as well, only requiring a significantly high priced sports car and a blow job no less than twice a day. I'm waiting for your call, any time, anywhere I will make myself available. Need an Attitude Adjustment in Vegas? I'm there. Need an attitude adjustment on your private Carribean Island? I'm there. No place is too far, no spanking is too hard. If you're lucky maybe I'll have terriblely bad aim or glance a blow off your ass and mistakenly stick a thumb in your butt. ATTITUDE ADJUSTED.

Since the grand opening of the ShaggyBob School of Attitude Adjustment was just 3minutes ago I expect you Miss Lohan, Miss Hilton and other Miss Hilton, and you Miss Spears to be dialing me up for a consultation. Miss Alba ,Miss Biel, your attitude adjustments are on the house you both seem pretty down to earth. The first attitude adjustment is only one good ass whackin away. Consultation visits are not clothing optional, get naked and ready for a spanking, you deserve it, you need it, and most importantly you want it.....so get on the phone and call the ShaggyBob School of Attitude Adjustment, bend over and prepare to get adjusted.

My name is ShaggyBob and I want to spank your pretentious ass.

You

YA Like That, DON'TCHA

See you on Sunday

Pop culture and LA wrongness

If I happened to get a DUI and shirked my responsibility to follow the protocall of our grand legal system opting for another jaunt in my F-in Beamer straight to a much televised "boo F-in Hoo" because of a 3 days stint in the pokey eating hotdogs and bologna sandwiches in a 12x8' cell all by my lonesome. It would be safe to say that my time in the pen would be full of bitch acts of self degredation for protection. Not so on the West Coast apparently and definetly not for the Richie Rich. Coined by my Fav. Monstu "THAT'S SUPER BULLSHIT!!!!" (4 exclamation points, 4)

G.E.D Hilton, given an anklet for home school in her mansion, asked not to leave for 40days...WTF. Throw a ripper and invite the appelate judge....Crystaal hottub dip, eh? "Anybody" normal person: on the planet wouldn't get it that easy. Speculation that she developed a medical condition...a rash? like she hasn't had an itchy scratchy before. Get a penicillan shot you worthless bird. If she developed a mental game for the exudus...take her to the loony bin and sraightjacket her.

It is my HOPE, that she decides in her infinite wisdom to leave the grounds of of her Hollywood Hills mansion for a soy latte at a local coffee shop and is snagged by the Feds.

Does she have a stylist, seamstress on hand that owns a bedazzler so she can pimp her anklet and bling it out?

I'm getting hammer tonight after work and driving around on the Paris kick...boo fackin hoo officer. Don't make me suffer the indignity of staying behind bars for anything more than 78hrs.


This message was brought to you by TNT, not the explosive kind, the tasty kind!

Check Yourself

This cartoon brought to you by Married by to the Sea

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by Racially charged outbursts while playing: Playstation2's Grand Theft Auto San Andreas Video game, the word sprachgefuhl ; \SHPRAHKH-guh-fuel\ ; noun : an intuitive sense of what is linguistically appropriate, and the number 93.

T-storms

Note-to-self: If you are thinking about getting gender re-assignment and traveling back in time to 18yrs old, try not to stand next to large electrically conductive trees on Eastern Parkway in Sch'dirt; while in the middle of a lightning/ thunderstorm, you don't need to have your socks melt to your feet.

Thank you self, I'll try to keep that in mind.

VT

Apparently there is talk that some of the residnets of Vermont are again petitioning for the state to become it's own sovereign nation. Seceding from the US wouldn't hurt many feelings unless you're a fan of VT pure maple Syrup. I think they should get on their horse...that way we can jack their Import Oil Taxes, put up a wall to keep them in the mountains, declare war on the hermits and invade...thus occupying their sovereign nation to replenish the US's Need for yummy maple Syrup goodness. Then their Microbrews could be just as expensive as the rest of the countrys'. International travel at down home costs. I want Duty on that border patrol, got milk? NO?... you can go back to your farm then. I only say this cuz I bet Mach's General Store in Pawlet VT could use the foreign tourists money. It's the only place I've seen that has an ATM machine that gives currency in multiples of (5). 5, 10, 15, 20.......$40. It would also make it hell on the leaf peepers from NYC, they would have to plan a month in advance to get their passports.

Vermont, where you can be held accountable for invading international airspace by flying a kite from my parent's backyard. What would their new Country flag look like...... would they have the design Gurus at Ben and Jerry's work on it? Would they allow Poultney to exist within their borders or give'm the boot relegating them to Hamptonite status?

Double standard in my Melon

I'm torn by thoughts that I've had lately while rifling through headline from across the country. I don't necessarily think I'm a bad person just a bit off when it comes to certain things. Perhaps it's gender biased. Practically everyday somewhere in our country there is a headline that includes a teacher having inappropriate contact with a student. I can't stop myself from reading the articles in their entirety and thinking one of two things, and this is where I I have issue.

Ex. A highschool male chemistry teacher has sex with a 17yr old girl, my immediate response "This slime ball needs to go to prison and get taken advantage of...public enemy no. #1, this dude needs to be put away for being such a douche".

Ex. A highschool female chemistry teacher has sex with a 17yr old guy, my initial response " Way to go kid, this teacher needs to get a life, but hell WAY TO GO DUDE (insert high-five)"

17 is 17 no matter how you look at it, and the law states that both are pedophiles (except in banjo country), illigally seducing minors for some sick twisted reason. But there is a double standard in my mind.

Big Empty Spaces

Curtain fiasco has been dealt with and shall hereto forth never be mentioned again by me or my suffering boys. I'd like to thank all the snooty curtain representatives at the various stores for making me feel the way I made others feel when I was selling $75,000 paintings to moldy oldies in VT. I am humbled by your knowledge of curtaininity, and just wanted something simple, that I could stealthily wipe boogers on without remorse should the occasion arise. I will never again treat another human being like a moron even if they exibit blatent signs that they're a bit slow on the comprehension aspect of our personal interaction. The people at,...... more specifically Hottie McHots-a-Bitchwhoreslut at Pier One can "lick the backside of my hairy beanbag". Thanks for nuthin' now get back to fluffing pillows C#@T. [Ouch that's gotta hurt, I hope you're reading this.... call me!? ]

Setting up a new place is difficult, I'm trying to use this move to straighten out some other aspects of my life as well. You know straighten up and fly right type stuff. Maybe act my age and whatnot. Although All I can seem to focus on is matching all the new furniture to an antique table that I have. I may have to postpone the release of "I Do What I Want Always" ,the online version in the works for your reading pleasure. Expected release date (when I get around to it)



I never was the most frugal person when it came to anything. In fact I think I'm more prone to excess and the wanton throwing of monies at the most available and easiest solution to anything, with an extra beer before I hit the road, and knowledge that ramen noodles can infact sustain you during an interim bout of pennilessnessitude.

Next on the agenda, entertainment and lounging furniture. I can't just fill my place like a funhouse foam/ballpit...my livingroom isn't recessed and the foam/balls would all escape out the front door or pour off the balcony. Getting a Sh*t-ton of bean bags wouldn't be good either. ( Y'all know that I'm prone to cutting myself at random times with blunt objects, I can't imagine the clean up from numerous beanbags) And yes I did manage to cut myself whilst hanging the V-blinds this past weekend....I'm ok though, it was only my foot {no stitches}. So I guess the next step is this "Futons (plural), or sectional couch (singular) w/ recliners, and cupholders built into the upholstery?"

Then it's on to lighting, unless I get a fit of the "I don't cares" and just head off to the second hand furniture store and pick me out a motley mish-mash of stinky pre-owned digs complete with ingrained homeless and/or fart smell. [That probably won't happen I'm trying to be a grown-up and frat furniture isn't going to cut it anymore].

I'd like to say howdy to Mr. Pinto, and thankyou for the call at 2am Saturday. I know where you were, but I doubt you did. Sorry about you're hyperventilation. I lied, I really didn't get a 10 gauge hoop piercing of the scrote "FOR The LADIES"...just thought I could make beer come out your nose. Breathe easy man...breathe easy.

Wiki-hilarity

Here's my vote....

Wikiwhacki....the simple and abundant internet porn site where you can wikiwhack-it!

I'm computer illiterate to a certain extent so I think someone should get on this pronto.

It's not as funny here as it was for the 4hrs we were laughing about it completely under the influence of various ill begotten vices, but it does hold some of it's humor if you say it 5X fast

This Weekend's Randomness

This Weekend's Randomness is brought to you by ESPN's National Spelling bee, the word NEGUS ne·gus Pronunciation: 'nE-g&s, ni-'güs Function: noun Etymology: Amharic n&gus, from Geez negusa nagast king of kings : KING -- used as a title of the sovereign of Ethiopia. And numero uno.

"You my Negus" or "What's up my Negus " "Shhiiiiit Negus"... so on and so forth until the hole I've dug for myself is slightly above the bar-B-que known as Hades.

Curtains

Being the sort of man that tends to think his boys are large enough not to deal with the frilly things in life I have overlooked certain things that seem to be necessity. Although I love the fact that I'm lazy enough to hang sheets from my gloriously large brand new windows, I need to buy curtains. The new Whip is significantly less ghetto than the Fishbowl, and that in and of itself requires that I go out and purchase......(Oh MAn I'm going to actually write it) window treatments. Since I haven't decided what type of furniture I will be buying to fill the ginormous voids that the living room and bedroom are comprised of I have to rely on my innerself to make a decicion as to color and style without the benefits of other interior design aspects and influences. (<=Said with a raging lisp and a flip of the hair.) That being said I started my search yesturday at a few stores and to my amazement, I was dumbfounded.... who decided that there were to be invented and distributed no less than 3 brazillian different styles of harware, rods, reels, drapes, curtains, sashes, valances, and small garden gnomes, WTF am I lookin for? For the love of all that "isn't".....and other things not-so-holy.
You see, the flatscreen TV, new video stuff, Pub table, bar, kitchen fixin's, and down feather pillow top Bardo Thodol bed is already on tapto compliment the wall sized mirror a la American Psycho. I've invested in a Wustof Santuku that could shave a billygoat, a lobster pot, smoker/grill, poker table, workout bench and weights (hahahhahaaahahh), and deck furniture..... F'in Curtains?

I spent no less than 4hrs yesturday staring at curtains like a puppy that just got kicked into a pool of razorblades and vinegar with a little bit of EMO mixed in. I cut myself, I cry, I listen to melodic sappy bullshit rebellious pseudo punk cuz I'm a 31 year old teen with pent up anxst for societal values induced by curtain indecision. Testosterone level is at EF, Extreme Forfeiture.

Someone get me a loaded gun and a bag o' circus peanuts I'm going out in style.

Handwriting

If you're not a doctor, and you have to convey information to others that work to make your job possible, it's a safe bet that if you send them hyroglyphs and they can't decipher them....you're going to be in a world of hurt when your supervisor reams you a new one. Thanks for nothin Advertising representatives of the world...learn some penmanship skills and I'll make you an AD that facilitates sales for your clients. If not, "I had no Idea it would be so much....I won't pay it!"

Battle Of the Sexes Vid

Wiffle-It!

The Inaugural Farmer's Daughter Come-one-Come-all Wiffle Ball Homerun Derby Challenge was moderately entertaining....HaH I lied it was freakin sweet.
Due to time restaints and a badass narsty wind the contest ended in favor of Farmer's Daughter icecream. No doubt the beating sun had something to do with it as well. I myself had a medium swirl waffle cone with extra sprinkles. The nice little lass at the counter that waited on me was attractive---except for the shit in her face. (Not a fan of facial jewelry..expecially it it involves lips, eyebrows, and what appears to be a cheek protrusion.) I didn't take any pics.
Grilled foods, a few beers, and a no holds barred wiffle ball crushin' hit it past the garden to score slugfest.

Rules: 5 outs per batter, you swing and miss yer OUT, you hit a grounder yer OUT, you hit it like a wimp and can't clear the imaginary line at the back of the garden..You're OUT. Clear that imaginary line and you're on the board.

Standings:
Boone on top with a slugging average of somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse
Shaggy Smacked a bunch
D slugged a bundle
Jim broke a ball (I give him credit he entered the game late and smashed a bushel)
Joey opted after a few innings to sit, although he still made a good showing.
Lil Mac ran away with it

Longest hit goes to Boone, for clearing not only the garden, shed, and an apple tree (probably about 70ft) but for exposing his stark white ginormous belly and blinding the outfielders in the process. Allowing for extra airtime and no outfield interception.

And now.....I'm at work, which isn't exciting, so much as it's a place where I've relegated myself to be bitter that I'm not drinking beers and hitting a wiffle ball. I'm not a fan of hanging out then making myself leave to entertain the option of working. It was great to get out though and I'm thinking should it be an option to replay the event in the future I'll be able to make it out of the rack sooner than I did this morning. I feel akward that I just peaced out, but what are you going to do.

All Moved

More to follow when I get settled:

I'm finally getting everything situated in the place and will be sleeping like a rock tonight without the constant sirens. I just got another piece in the Game of Life.

cut and paste caught in your head goodness http://emuse.ebaumsworld.com/flash/play/3858

Homebase : OASIS

I should be completely moved to the new homebase by this time tommorrow evening and enjoying a delicious Guinness Milkshake. Although I was able to find a Saranac variety pack that has a chocolate stout in it today in preparation of the successful completion of the move. Perhaps that would make for a tastier victory dance.

On a different note:
Check out Label 11 records for the updated listing of gigs for TriggerLust they'll be in the capital region for a number of shows in the up coming month.
~ Saratoga for the Rock Your Art Out Fest on Saturday June 16th. It's at Lee's Campground
~ June 29th playing at Valentine's in Albany. - Otto's Jacket - is opening.

For those of you who don't follow the Knoa two members of the my fav. feel good band, Bassist Dre Pilette plays with Triggerlust, and Josh Corrigan plays drums for Otto's Jacket. (these two guys were playing Knoa tunes in the front rooms of the TEPhi Mansion back in potsdam in 2000. Good times

Opinion Page

There's a writer for the paper who for the last year has been harping on the FBI's involvement in the conviction of two gentlemen who lived in Albany, (by their peers) for being a threat to the United States and terrorism. It's been in no less than 4 papers a week for 52 weeks since the trial. I think that's pretty much enough already. They were convicted of terrorism. Convicted. If you don't want to be labeled a terrorist, and don't want to be sent to prison for being a trhreat to the USA, I've included a little pseudo conversation (playlet) below that may or may not help you. I call it.....

The Not So Terrorist.
Characters:
A, (FBI Agent, willing to go undercover)
B, (A brick oven pizzaria owner, of Mideastern Decent living in Albany NY)

Scene one: (Set in the pizzaria , both players sitting over a table enjoying a slice of tasty brick oven pizza)
After some small talk and a few sodas....

A: "SO, B... wanna buy a Stinger Missle?"

(After thinking it over diligently... B answers while wiping pizza sauce from his beard)

B: "NO"

(Actual elapsed time used while thinking it over diligently < .00000000000000000000125 of a fuckin' nano second)

The End

If you should choose to answer such a simple question with anything even remotely positive.... Be prepared to get darted in the ass and wake up with a US Issue GPS tracking chip screwed into your skull. "Wake up Kent....this is GOD Kent" Even if it was under the premise that in trade for said "stinger missile" you would get a free carwash at the place down the street. Sometimes even Darwin has influence with the Government.

On the ball

I spent another 10minutes today arranging my stuff. Everything is presently lined up single file a la kindergarten firedrill ready to get out of dodge. That pretty much means the whole-shot for the new whip is getting me pretty damned amped up. Since I'm giving my couch the heave-ho off to the furniture gods...I'll be taking a few weeks and a few drop cloths to use my entire livingroom as a studio space.
Here's the creative plan..I currently have 4 hollowcore doors that are hinged together and being used as a divider/screen in the Fishbowl separating the bedding from the couching spaces. I'm going to unhinge, prime, gesso and then slash a watered down acrylic paint in one swift brush motion at high velocity (top right to bottom left) onto the four panels butted side by side. Quickly stand them up, and spritz with more water to allow for a certain minor bit of running and drippage. I say top right to bottom left to counterbalance the primary visual patterns that the eye is accustomed to follow when looking at a painting. That being a start in the lower right and circle clockwise around to the upper left. When the drips have dried...I'm going to separate the four doors (now officially gessoed mixed media panels) and place them on the longest wall in the apartment equi-distant allowing just a bit more empty space from the outer walls so as not to crowd the composition of the wall sized installation. The separation will spread the composition, but I'm hoping the pigment will hold it together even with the distance between panels. Since the doors are 7ft tall and the ceilings in the new place are 8ft...I'll only have to hang them 6inches off the floor. That should be a good start back in to the creative realm of artist that I have been neglecting since my exodus from college in 2001. Positively unequivocally awesome....and of course it'll also immediately get red paint all over the rug in the new place [even with drop cloths] and set the tone for artistic messedness. BoooYAH! Controlled abstraction.
That's the plan...of course it's subject to change at the whim of a lunatic mind. "They're coming to take me away, hee hee"
I'm also planning on going furniture shopping for the first time ever with a specific plan in mind...not necessity...just good old fashion want. "Hee hee....ha ha....they're coming to take me away" I bet a claw footed bathtub would make a spiffy recliner in the livingroom given the correct cushion selection, or maybe a nice indoor spice garden......mmmmm Basil.

Once upon a time

Once upon a time....just following my 7yrs of college goodness I aligned myself with being able to pack everything I owned into my car ready to hit the road for any destination in the lower 48, I could be there ready to set up shop and make a life for myself within 5days.( Ex. Bozeman/Big Sky Montana and the failed attempt at working for Montana State University's Art dept. Thank you Osama Bin Laden) Today I decided that my impending move deserved a little pre-move preparation. Although I'm only moving 3 or so miles...I figured that crating and boxing some of my things would make it more enjoyable and allow for more unpacking and set up time at the new place without the hassle of a hundred trips back and forth. I had everything I own packed and ready to go within 1hr. Barring the couch that will make its way into the river/or dumpster, and the ginormous matress...I'm saddened by my lack of material posessions. You would think that accumulating stuff wouldn't be that hard..I've been on the professional boat for 7yrs now....where is all my junk? I cook everyday..... I cook decent food everyday, and I had my kitchen packed in 10minutes. No wayward pots and pans...everything in one box. SAD.
If it takes as much time to move as it did to prepare...I'll be living large in the new place by 10am Friday morning. That ladies and gentlemen means one thing and one thing alone. Celebration time for moving out of the heart of Ghetto. Happy hour and and late dinner.
Your mission should you choose to accept it is to meet me at Katie O'brynes, across the street to the Grogg Shoppe, follow to Clinton's Ditch, up to the Union Inn, over to the Backstage Tavern...and ending for a late meal at the Water's Edge Lighthouse restaurant. Ok, ok...I lied, I'll be enjoying a Guinness or two on my balcony and using one of my meager selections of pot and pan to do some home cooking, first meal type gig at the new whip. What is on the menu? I only know that the blender is in tow and a Guinness milkshake will be a desserty good thing. [Never had a guinness milk shake before? I think you should.....Mmmmm mmmmm Yummers => I just punched myself in the gonadski's for that]

I can also say that I'm not in the slightest bit emotionally distraught over the prospect of never setting eyes on the hooker riding a bike again. I guess that really isn't a truism either, I'm searching in earnest for her so I can snap a camera-phone image and post...for hilarity's sake. (I hope I get a good shot...becuase it made milk come out my nose gut laughing when I 1st saw it... and I hadn't had a glass of milk for a week)

Only in the 'Dirt

Today as you are reading this...there is a headline in our glorious publication outlining the events that lead to an individual being charged for Gang Assault. "An Individual being charged for gang assault"......."An indiidual being charged for Gang assault". By pure definition alone....

~individual ~Function: noun Date:1605
1 a: a particular being or thing as distinguished from a class, species, or collection: as (1): a single human being as contrasted with a social group or institution (a teacher who works with individuals) (2): a single organism as distinguished from a group b: a particular person (are you the individual I spoke with on the telephone?)2: an indivisible entity3: the reference of a name or variable of the lowest logical type in a calculus.

~gang ~Function: noun Etymology:Middle English, walking, journey, from Old English; akin to Old English gangan Date:15th century
1 a (1): a set of articles : outfit (a gang of oars) (2): a combination of similar implements or devices arranged for convenience to act together (a gang of saws) b: group : as (1): a group of persons working together (2): a group of persons working to unlawful or antisocial ends; especially : a band of antisocial adolescents2: a group of persons having informal and usually close social relations (watching TV with the gang0

Todays randomness is brought to you by a one man gang: the word schizo·phre·nia Pronunciation: \ˌskit-sə-ˈfrē-nē-ə\
Function :noun Etymology:New Latin Date:1912
1 : a psychotic disorder characterized by loss of contact with the environment, by noticeable deterioration in the level of functioning in everyday life, and by disintegration of personality expressed as disorder of feeling, thought (as delusions), perception (as hallucinations), and behavior —called also dementia praecox — compare paranoid schizophrenia 2 : contradictory or antagonistic qualities or attitudes both parties…have exhibited schizophrenia over the desired outcome — Elizabeth Dre, and the number 1 equaling the number of people that are going to beat conviction by pleaing insanity.

The guy whom they arrested was a knife weilding participant in a one vs. one battle with a gun toting scrub. The guy with the knife goes to jail? He should be freed just because his testicles need a wheelbarrow. Knife to a gun battle....wicked SMRT

And for your viewing pleassure circa 1986.....

The One man Gang...wrestlemania 7

The Oasis revisited

It's official, I'll be taking my leave of the Fishbowl in 4days and not looking back. I'll be moving across the river to a secluded complex within stomping distance from work, a diner, and a resturaunt. Next to a beverage center, near some batting cages and a liquor store...just down the way from a market. Basically I'll be living it up in a 700 sq ft apt. with deck overlooking a fetid duck pond. I say fetid, cuz I know there is a colony of leaches that I should be happy to remove from my junk once I have a few too many and decide to take a dip. Nerrrr.
I'm hopping on the cable train again...and using the already located, picked out, and fallen in love with Projection TV. Big white walls equal 4ft tall movie actors in my living room. Done and done. The place allows for a certain amount of freedom when it comes to painting and I can set up a relatively decent sized space. Bonus. I just hope a year from now should I choose to move that they aren't all that upset about the random paint I'm throwing around in the place. The only draw back I see with the new place is the kitchen. I'm not too sure the size of the kitchen will allow for extravigant meals and the stove is a smaller 4 burner, the size that allows you to bend a cookie sheet in half when you slam the oven door shut after blistering yourself up to the elbow.
I'll be posting before and after pictures once I get the pad outfitted.I guess you can say that I'm pretty psyched, yup....wicked psyched.
I've posted a couple pics from my vacation last week below, if you can name the two mutts in the pic hanging out in Gritty McDuff's Brew Pub in Portland ME...you win the prize or the day. If you can name all 4 monkeys at the Ice House in Saratoga... you get a free smack on the ass and lick on the cheek.

Golf Outing

I haven't been able to pull out the clubs yet this year and for that I'm really kicking myself. It's been a long time since I held the omnipotent power of Mr. Shanky in my hands. Nothing screams fun louder than smashing a driver into a dimpled white ball and watching it rise 100yards straight out, then playfully hook 300yards to the right into the woods... or is that a slice? I bought a rescue wedge for such occasions and have named I the buzz saw. Golf is .... one shot in a hundred feeling good and looking even better. It's the reason I golf.
I'll have to get out once I move into the new whip. Windy Hill Country Club is the home course this year. Of course, as the name implies,....."it's inexpensive" and there is the occasional breeze.

Rachel Rayisms

I've been festering all day with a thought. It's not caught in my head like the Scooby Doo theme song has been for the last 5yrs, but it's annoying just the same. Next time I'm having a few beers with buddies and grillin' up a storm....the first sally pants to say anything even remotely like "Yummers" is going to get bitchslapped. I've mentioned my distaste for that gremlin Ray. Stoup, yummers and a fake Mmmm Mmmmmm, delish? my ass. There's no place for that around a hibachi, smoker, or fire. When the smoke from my marinated chicken wafts 3miles down the road, shuts down an airport and whites out the closest street..... there's no reason to be making baby talk to the food. If you do, the food has bigger stones than you do. Chicken balls! If you do slip up it's Your choice, either your hand goes on the coals or your face get's a grilled.

This book will be present to stoke up my next adventure in outdoor cooking. Borrowed book, CHECK.... Zippo, CHECK. Fire pit to hold said book, while warming my hands for the real deal Bob's Cookin' Show, CHECK. (It's strategically located no less than 25ft from the actual grill and I'm not putting it any closer, I don't want any of the funk to get on my food.)

The OASIS

It may be just a few days until I get the official nod to vacate the Fishbowl and work my way over to the "OASIS". Paperwork pending I may be moving to a "luxury" apartment complex in Scotia NY. Just a stones throw from the Mohawk, down the way from the http://www.thewatersedgelighthouse.com/aboutus.html (Can you say sweet odin's raven in a pile of sheepshit it's happy hour time boys and girls?). Heck even pajama girl from C's Ditch might be your server. Of course with any dish from the dinner menu, even if I were to be eating alone...I'd "owe" me and would require that I get myself drunk and take me home to molest me slimy bastard that I am, I'd have it coming to me.... the prices are a bit much.
The particular apartment that I should most likely, probably, maybe, be moving into has a balcony over looking a duck pond and if I choose to use the social activities calendar to my advantage I could get myself into a bridge league...or rip apart the moldies playing shuffle board. Eat IT! Gramps....go change your diaper! (ok...I'm not that much of a sociopath) Eat IT! Gramma now go bake me some cookies! An air rifle would guarantee a Peking meal or two.<=insert diabolical laughter and a little chew spit dribble, uh yuP. In any event it'll be twice the size of the Fishbowl so entertaining won't be like going to a club minus the music and all the hotness, including only the bumping into and splashing drinks on everyone.
This may also turn out to be a life's ruse on the part of the man upstairs and not come to flurition. It's a shot..and gosh dern it...I'm onboard. It's only a scant 3miles from my Fishbowl, but it's a difference, not like light and day, more like Third World and Vacation resort that you pay for monthly. Bev Center and batting cages two minutes away. I'm sure that some of the riff raff and hooligandry make it out that way periodically, but the Mohawk has stiff currents and swimming across from the Dirt would plum tucker out a gold medalist. There is Freeman's Bridge but the walk to there is a big'un.
I'm looking forward to the yay or nay so that I can finish packing up the shiz from the fishbowl that I haven't already discarded.

Cross yer InterWebbed fingers.

Gas

As gas prices skyrocket, I find myself not really too bothered by it. I guess deep down subconsciously their (The OIL Barons) psychological onslaught has pacified me. Here's where it winds down the road in my melon. [Take notes, there'll be a quiz]

~I pass a gas station that has the cheap shit gas for $3.10 9/10....
~I then pull into the next station that has the cheap shit for $3.08 9/10.....
~My truck isn't in the best shape and the premium would explode it's heart like a whale snorting 3 tons of cocaine.

My rationale for traveling the 1/10 of a cent of gas further...it's 2 cents cheaper...and that may be so; or is it really at that point only 1 cent cheaper?
I would still venture a guess that had I pulled into the first station I would still have the subconscious satisfaction that the Barons intended as they raised the gas prices to $3.10 9/10.

~It's not that I'm getting my money's worth in fact they're swindling me out of .9 cents.
~No one pays attention to the fraction behind the price curtain.

We look at the number and think "Sweet jumpin' Jesus on a pogostick I sure am glad that the gas isn't 3 f*ckin' dollars and .11 cents." And we are happy for a time.
When it goes up to $3.11 we'll bitch about it.... but at that point remember that it's actually $3.11 9/10

...."Christ on a Bike I sure as hell am glad it isn't $3.12 cents"

Thank you Oil Barons for saving me from ultimate gas depression/aggression.

And if you're out yonder on the West Coast....it's cheaper to buy an UZi and liberate the gas. (Prestidigitation= $$$ spent on weaponry and ammunition : preparation time away from work / loss of wages < $$$ saved on gas directly correlated to the amount of money also + saved while not driving and car maintenance, in lieu of serving creamed corn in a Federal Penitentiary $0.24hr x 8[per shift in the mess hall] along with the comforts of a few new friends)

The Quiz? .....are you going to round up or...passively enjoy the $?.?? 9/10.

That's IT

I've had it with packing, three time soon to be four in a 1 1/2yr. I believe that at this particular juncture of my existance...it's time for new stuff. Not steel and glass stuff, nor rustic antique crap...just new stuff. Including online purchases of marvel super hero boxer briefs for adults. (not too sure if I'm more of a Superman guy or a Flash guy!?, Hulk or Batman? do i need a utility belt.....definitely no Robin!)

Couch...........booted
End tables.....booted
Bookcases.....booted
Coffee mkr....booted
Frch Press.....keeper
Dishes..........booted
1/2clothing..booted
1/2shoes......booted
Lamps..........booted
Coffee table......keeper
Bed-n-fixin's....keeper
Computer.....toss up, until I get a new one

It be time to move on, grow up, and buy a couch. Where to put said couch I'm still (98 : 2) on that one. Down by the river.

Back to the grind

I'm back at work, and after checking the 200+ emails I missed in the last 10 days, getting back into the swing of things work wise, I can only say that being here is like screaming down the highway, only to blow the left rear tire and continue said screaming to a dead stop on a median guardrail at 76.4mph. High octaine roadtrip straight to mundane work an orangutan could accomplish if given enough bananas as compensation. I love bananas...especially if they live on the roof of my truck for at least one evening and are perfectly just past over ripe.

Chatting with folks for the last week, and more specifically old college and high school buddies that seem to have life by the gonads (i.e. doing what they want to do in life, making a decent wage, and gearing up for/already elbows deep in having families) makes me feel a bit odd about sticking with a low paying easy job that makes no sense with regard to 2 of my 4 majors, at night, and in the middle of social degredation. "The Dirt".

I love the adventure of hunting or a new gig, but haven't quite found the right combination of Shaggy Saavy intellectual/rudimentary skill set type stuff. At least according to the last 30 some odd places that allowed me to raise myself all the way to the second best choice. Maybe they got the memo from eachother that mentioned that I only own one suit, two sport coats and enough ties to make it through a handful of interviews. That last luncheon or dinner with the handshake that said "the job is yours" would have included a second wearing of one at least one article of clothing.

But then again, this evening the paper required 180 plates. Rote rehearsal and repetition allowed me to daydream about my past adventure and complete my daily chores here at the Gazette with little or no effort. If they only made the paper during the day..and had all the late breaking news available prior to nooner, life would be grand.

Tomorrow I pack up some more of the fishbowl and continue my search for a place to live. T-minus 16days to homelessness. It's not reallt that bad...I'm storing my belongings and probably couch surfing. So technically it'll be mailing addresslessness, and even that can be circumvented if I feel like checking mail at the 'Rent's place a couple of hours north of where ever my ass lands.

Shaggy Bob prediction for tommorrow...estimated time of wake up 2pm

THE RETURN.....Best week Ever

After the vacation I can only sum up the trip in a few words: those being "Best Week Ever". In the coming days a full epic tale will be released highlighting the trip starting with it's send off from the Albany Int'l Airport at 11:30 pm Thursday MAy 3rd and ending at the Albany Int'l Airport 11:00 AM Saturday MAY 13th. (Mileage lapse during that time was 1275.85) Prior to the epic...I would like to send thanks out to those whom made the trip an overwhelming success. If I happen to leave out a name, feel free to come visit "me" this time around and liberally kick me in the junk.

I huge thank you to our:
Lodging friends:
Grove Street Crew
The FishBowl
D.B. and Sheri
Timmy Z
The Community Court

Beverage stops:
Ton's
Maxfield's
Cantina
The Lounge
Backstreets
The Elks Club
Grove Street
Market Street Sunoco
The Puke and Choke
CJ's Kegs Cases and more
The Garrison
The Courcelles
The Funny Farm
Gritty McDuffs
Ri'-Ra
The Dock Side
The Great Lost Bear
The Original Duck
The Golden Dragon
J. Courcelle
The Stone ??? and Mr. Scott
Gaffneys
The Tin
DA's
The Ice House
The Bull Pen
The Carrara compound
......and the greater portion of every beer distributor known to man including yet not limited to forgeign and domestic brews. (there may have been an alien beer or two mixed in there somewhere, I'm a little fuzzy on the exact amount of fundage spent on libation.)

I would also like to thank:
Slim Jims
Tiajuana Mamas
Caribou coffee
Green Mountain Coffee
Poland Spring Water
Map Quest
Mobil Gas corp
Every damn toll booth between here and Maine and all points above and below
Sergie's
The Norwood Diner
Dunkin Donuts
Hannafords
and the various other stops along the way that have slipped my mind.

It was great to see everyone, the initial party was a blast..and the road trip was nothing short of stellar.
I couldn't have wished for a better traveling Monstu, I'm glad that you made it home safely and I look forward to the epic that shall be forth coming.

I would as like to offer my congradulations to all those whom let us know they were expecting! Congrats Guys!!!

Once I learn how to work the new phone, photos will be forth coming. They're aweful and can't do the vacation justice...but I'll add them at somepoint anyway.

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by, roadtrips.... the word grog • \GRAHG\ • noun : alcoholic liquor; especially : liquor (as rum) cut with water and now often served hot with lemon juice and sugar sometimes added, and the number 10. (which equals the number of days I'll be off the grid vacationing).

Some days it's good to be me, sometimes it better to be me on vacation. "Suck it Trebek!"

The gravity of his theory?

F-U Newton!!!!

On the air

The autistic monkey riding the Vespa with the bowl of pudding has been done away with. I'm street legal for phone conversation again.... But I still don't/won't Text.

In less than 29hrs I'll be traveling to the Great White North with the Monstu. Friday May 4th, 0400 hours...troops are here by ordered to report for duty. The rondesvous point is: Codename CANTINA. [Cactus Grill & Cantina, 11 Raymond St, Potsdam, NY 13676. (315) 265-0240] The weapons depot is cached with Fried Icecream, the Flag Meal (burrito,enchilada,taco, refried beaners and rices) buckets of Corona...and frozen Margueritas. Cinco de Mayo minus one. Jessica will be the sequestered server, unlike Mr. Pink I do tip....because I deemed it socially acceptable. Bust out the Mariachi and lace up yer boots it's time for a South of the Northern Border showdown.

If only I had the ability to download photos from my phone you could see the flight suit, Cobra Attack helicopter flight helmet and the MRE's that have been stockpiled for the mission. Maps are charted and I await the NPG arrival from San Jose. (<=insert Wagner's "Flight of the Valkyries").

T-minus 29hrs and counting...........

Switching

I switched phone service to Verizon over the weekend owing to the fact that the coverage area is better than my last plan. Check out the service coverage maps at Verizon.com...it works everywhere. I haven't recieved any calls yet (ringer currently set....Timmy and Lords of the Underworld..TimmmmAH!!!! BRLhhh, Blplrrrrtha TinnmmmAH!), and I was wondering why until I scrolled through every damn pull down menu "techno-logie isn't my friend". I called out once and the sound was a bit garbled, so I called the provider and upgraded, which rendered my phone serviceless at work, in the area around my apartment, and while inbetween work and home. That's a F-in Bonus I think. Upgrade to Less, seems like paying more should have had a different outcome if you ask me. But you haven't asked cuz I ain't got no service. (<=insert loud, vile, socially incorrect outburst of Profanity involving a bowl of pudding an autistic monkey, and a Vespa scooter). The phone costs too much to throw against a wall. In the words of the immortal NPG. "That's Super Bull-shit!!".
I hope to have the issue resolved before Thursday, although I'm not sure how much gas it will take driving around to find service to upgrade my service to a service that serves me. WTF is that all about.

Since I started this blog thing, I don't think I've posted any feel good excerpts. I'm always yiping about stuff that's gone awry and doesn't fit into the realm of normal everyday good. Someday I swear I'll do just that....but not until I can use my expensive ass serviceless phone for something other than a paperweight that isn't heavy enough to hold paper down.

I just took a picture of myself with my phone...I'll send it to you. OH WAIT!