Deleted post

I just spent an hour preparing a post that brought to light everything that is going on in my head with respect to a medical anomaly that has recently presented itself in my body. I had to erase it, because even I didn't feel comfortable with the post. I wouldn't feel bad or even the least hesitation to let you know I vommited and sharted my pants driving down the highway, most embarrassing things are fruitless and give me a good chuckle; I'm not shy. I am uncomfortable. I was using terms like Laparoscopy and Robotics, Oncology, Shock Wave Lithotripsy and other big terms that scare the livin baJesus out of me even if I have relatively no clue as to what they are and or how invasive they may be. Since Thursday it has weighed heavily on my mind (that's when I noticed the problem...) and even though I had a bunch of folks over the eat drink and be merry this weekend, now that they're gone and my place is empty again I get to run through all the scenarios in my melon and freak out some more. Thank you Ray, The Jill, Gonzo, D, Steve and Rachel for coming over and making the weekend shite tons of fun.

I'm headed to a specialist tommorrow. They're going to tell me what, exactly what the problem is or schedule a battery of tests and stuff. Coupled with the pain, there is a pretty f-in huge psychological shot to go with whatever the diagnosis is. No matter what happens there will be a benign/malignant mass, scar tissue, or chemo-cal shock in my immediate future. Making the equipment that I'm used to tinkering around with; different forever. That in an of itself is enough to drop me thoroughly off the deep end. I don't want to lose the physical ability to enjoy sexxy time...

I'm not looking forward to tommorrow at all. Or am I...knowing that there will be a definition labeling the issues at hand.

I'd like to thank you individually Miss Rachel for sitting up with me all night and listening to be whine, bitch and moan, hearing the why me-s, and the wtf is going to happen naysayer dark brooding ShaggyBob. I was a mess.






I'M SCARED