Thursday, November 29, 2007


After a weekend of the funnyfarm in G-ville with the fam, and one evening at work I traveled to liverpool NY to help my friend McG pack up his life to move to SC.
~Throughout my life barring the time I spent in Montana, this gentleman and I haven't really lived beyond a 3 hours distance since I believe 1980. We played Little league, ran on the same cross country team, completed in both indoor and outdoor track, attended the same University (sort of), Ended up in the same Fraternity, I was the Best Man at his wedding to Miss Val, for the last few years I've been Uncle Bob to his two beautiful daughters. SC..... that's not close, and although I see a 12hr drive better as a 1 1/2hr flight... I'm saddened by the loss. This bastard is the strongest character I've EVER known. The definition of Quality Friend/Human being. I'm sure their family will be happier down in Greenville, but any "random" visits by Uncle Bob can't happen and aren't even a feasable option. Sad (check)

I wish them all the best and know that once the girls and Miss Val arrive tomorrow via air travel that everything will be right as rain and they'll no doubt grab that state by the short and curlies and make it bow down to it's new monarchs.

48hrs, 4br house, one 26ft moving truck....6hrs of sleep, truck loaded and new life on tap comin'. Standard TEP reimbursement, beers and Bar-B-Que. sweetness!

I left 'Cuse at nooner for the 2hr drive home and was hoping to catch a power nap prior to venturing into work Wed. evening. 1hr and 55minutes into my return trip, 200yds from the exit ramp, the back of my truck shimmied, I pulled onto the off ramp, and the truck had a seizure, it cavitated violently, and frightened me. (it's never frightened me before) by the time I was able to double foot the brake and hit my hazard lights I was passed by my left rear tire...(It fuckin rolled past my skidding truck) Did it see the future? or was it just in a hurry. I was in view of the toll plaza. [backstory: Last Tuesday prior to the turkey day festivities I brought the funtruck to get serviced, tires rotated, aligned, balanced, all the little non-intrusive preventative maintenance that a vehicle should need before the winter.] No more that 7hrs "driving time later" a goddamn tire fell off. Superfly TnT pissed off (check)

AAA coverage works on surface roads but state highways such as the NYS Thruway have private contractors for towing. An Hour after my "WTF" call (I was 5miles from my apartment) a wrecker showed up to flatbed my truck off the Thruway. He had to bring the vehicle to his homebase we backtracked 20miles, and he unloaded the truck. I then had to get another wrecker to travel the 20miles to pick up my truck and bring it to the F-in screwheads that warranty their stellar workmanship. Short version=4hrs later I was staring at the grease monkey that rotated my tires 7days previous. I'm not an angry man, I'm not a violent man, I'm not an irrational man. I kindly asked that they put the truck up on a lift and get their asses in gear repairing the fuck-up that they made. The lug nuts weren't torqued correctly for my truck and they supprisingly took 7hrs of driving to all pop loose in the span of 3 harrowing minutes. [aside: had I been driving 65mph when this little incident occurred, you would all have the pleasure of imagining this blog entry postmortum] barrel rolling my vehicle is far from the top 100 things I need/plan/or want to do prior to peacing out at the ripe old age of 62yrs old.] dumbfounded (check)

within 2hrs: I said so-long to my best friend, and had a brush with death. Scared w/soiled underoos(check)

They worked on my truck and had it back to me this afternoon, saying that all was good to go. "I believe'd that just about as far as I can throw my truck, and I hadn't had my bowl of gamma radiated fuckin wheaties". I don't really trust the shit this jackhole was slingin'. Their manager said something to the effect of "I've never seen that happen before, maybe "you......" I stopped being the kind, respectable, level headed, polite rational person that I am at "y". (the following conversation is an abridged version minus the chair flying in the waiting area of the Shiite hole garage. In attendence ME= yours truly, DH= the fucktard that did the work on my truck last Tuesday, and SAB=manager ShitAssBitch.)
SAB: I've never seen that happen before, maybe y.....
ME: Seriously!?..... Are you implying that I've tried to commit suicide by missing lugnut?, or did the Lugnut fairie wave her little glittery magic wand and make them dis-a-f*ck-in-pear?
SAB: It's not that I'm accusing you of...
ME: What the F are you saying then.
(DH enters) I wasn't the only person to work on your truck that visit, I'm not sure who put the truck back together
ME:???????? Explicatives galore.... Your name is on the workorder, what do you mean" not sure who put the truck back together"?
SAB: Don't get in his face
DH: I'm not sure, it could have been anyone
ME: YOUR Garage is responsible for a catastrophic bumble F*ck that could have cause my death (said with a bit of spittle that probably looked like a milk mustache or on par with a rabid 4 balled wolverine hovering over the carcass of a dead doe) And you don't know who worked on it?
SAB: Bob, it could be the bolts and lugs from your truck...they're different than a normal......
ME: We're past that friendly Bob bullshiiite. You'll address me as MR. ROBERT J. IVES.
SAB: sir, I would appreciate you calming down...
ME: Is this place a garage that works primarily on brakes and mufflers?
SAB: yes sir
ME: WTF is the first and last step of each and every brake job you complete in this dump..... hint It involves taking off and putting tires back on the fuckin cars, you mean to tell me that the apes under your employ are incapable of replacing the lugnuts of a Toyota Tacoma? It's a pretty rare automobile isn't it??
SAB: sir, calm down
DH: I know they're (the lugnuts) manufactured different
ME: WhyTF didn't you do it properly snapperhead?
SAB: Sir....
SAB: yes
ME: Send the work order for the shit you did to my home address registered mail, the body shop I've contacted will fax you a copy of the estimate that you will be paying directly to them, separately when my home garage finishes the repairs to my truck, you'll receive a bill from them : for towing expenses, parts and labor.
SAB: we don't have to......
ME: Have a great F-in Holiday Assclown!
(Shaggy Bob gets in truck, drives to curb presses brakes and they hit the floor, )
(Shaggy Bob returns to shop)
ME: Brakes are little soft to not working~!@#%*&^$$@#!#$^@^. "EXPLICATIVES!!!!<=with 4exclamationpoints"(oh yeah, it was that ridiculous)
SAB: Bob it'll have to wait.
ME...empty that bay (points=>) and it's MR..... "Asshole" (I chuckled to myself a bit on that one)
(Shaggy Bob removes folding chair from truck and sets it up with an overwatch view of garage bay)
(SAB dumbfounded look)
ME: Get it done!
(DH gets the truck into newly emptied bay and ShaggyBob watches both DH and SAB tinker around with the now and perpetually messed up Piece of Shit I call my pride and joy the Frankensteiner)
SAB: that should do it.
ME: Registered mail asshole tommorrow afternoon..... (over shoulder) They gonna stay on this time?
(Shaggy Bob gets in truck, drives to curb presses brakes and they =>catch AND => stop the vehicle with "at least a 1/2inch to spare" before being completely pinned to the floor). Nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr F those guys.

ME (to the poor mutt looking in his rearview and or, my windshield as we drive in the same direction toward my Oasis) Man I hate fuckin lawyers, goddamn it I hate lawyers..... WTF are you lookin at? fuck you to Mr. driving the same direction as me guy... fuck you!

It took me a few hours to stop fuming. In fact, as liberating as it felt at the time I won't be completely satisfied until I can have the home garage look at the truck and fix the problems that were most likely overlooked when they rushed to get it back to me.

I fully planned on using vacation days to help Mr. McG out cuz that's what brothers do, they're there for eachother. nostalgic reverie (check)

I didn't plan on burning my last vacation day of the year and comp hours on slapnuts and his crew of wayward monkey fuckers. Disappointment (check)

Shaggy Bob's Funtruck "whatever" Cruz is again on hold. Saturday evening D, Kristi and the Lil Mac ( ) are going to join me for dinner at the Oasis I can't wait. There's a possibility of a Gonzo appearance as well.

Emotive you bet... the ups and downs of life are easily mellowed to a static malaize with just a tad too much Cuervo 1800. (looks like I have my Friday morning planned too, at least until 9am that is...then maybe I'll catch a few hours of sleep). headache and upset stomach (check)

If you see a naked man that looks suspiciously like the Jesus w/tv dinner below.... running down any streets in Glenvilliski honk, say hello...... I'll wave my wangdoodle at ya.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Happy Belated 1st B-day

Jesus Tap Dancin' Christ.... I missed it. "....and other things not-so-holy" turned 1yr old on November 14th. I guess in my haste (read=> intense enthusiasm) to be the best damned employee evar at the Gazette I completely overlooked a finer, more important thing in life. That will never happen again I can tell you.

....SO! Happy Yubiwaza ....and other things not-so-holy!

Turkey Day

So here I sit munching away on leftovers with the mane flowing in the artificially heated stench that is my office space. Mmmmmm leftovers. I have enough left over goodness to dispell rumor about me chopping off the mop. Granted I'm really just looking for an excuse. I can't force myself to specifically go to a chopshop just for a trim.

I realized once again that family is family and no matter how mundane or confusing it becomes at the homestead it's fun to be there.... for a limited time. In fact, I've found that I have a threshold for the funnyfarm. I can be in close proximity to the 'rents for just over 48hrs before I get the urge to conflagrate. The first 24hrs it's novel to hear stories and get the info about random phone calls to relatives across the country. After the first 24..... and the 5th time I've heard said stories of lore, it starts wearing me down. 36hrs....I begin to get agitated at the small stuff (whoever said "don't sweat the small's all small stuff" needs a kick in the JimmyMarbles"), and then 48hrs turn me in to pure evil. So 48hrs of parents and I was back at the Oasis with enough food for an army. Today...I'm patting myself on the shoulder as the Army of One while I take my dinner break and finish off the spoils of the pseudo-vacation. The leftovers lasted just under one day while under my care.

Hope ya'll had a great Turkeyday vaca, and were able to spend time with fam and friends... I'll be peacing out for a few more days to help the McG family venture on to a new beginning in SC. Until Wednesday.....

Wednesday, November 21, 2007


Enjoy Your time with friends and family all.

Please donate to your local homeless bell ringer when visiting a supermarket near you. "ding ding dingding ding"

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

For the Holiday

Looks as if I actually get a Nationally celebrated Holiday off for the first time since I've been with the current company (2yrs). I'll see that turkeyday, and raise you CHRISTMAS EVE, CHRISTMAS DAY, NEW YEARS EVE, AND NEW YEARS DAY as well as working the weekend inbetween them. ~Shagz Von Losin'Hiscool.

If there aren't enough eats for leftovers I'm shaving my head. Nothing beats a turkey dinner leftover sandwich post ThanksGiving feast'aroonie. I haven't had short hair now for about 8years so I don't want my melon to freeze. The Pic at the bottom of the page is a year old and the mop is still growing.

The only good that can come out of "No leftovers" is a Locks Of Love donation. Pray either way...the decision is set in stone.

p.s. I look like a monkey without hair.

Monday, November 19, 2007

ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment

Should you and your body be unaccustomed to a high fiber diet, it is unadvisable to enjoy the entire contents of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios, as a breakfast/lunch/afternoon snack. The shit will literally sneak up on you and make you its bitch. Should this be the case, be sure that you pack your shoulder towel for where-ever you may be heading off to in the very near future. I'm just sayin' be prepared. That is all!

Todays Randomness

Today's Randomness is brought to you by, serious shaggybob Vampirism, the word denigrate • \DEN-ih-grayt\ • verb 1 : to attack the reputation of : defame *2 : to deny the importance or validity of : belittle, and the number 15. (equal to the number of minutes I actually saw the sun today).

Seasonal Affective Disorder... ever decide it's just too cold to venture out of bed on a winter day? Ever wonder why you've no energy, feel a bit sad all the time. Perhaps you are just like countless other people... suffering from (SAD). "I can't tell you first hand what it feels like, I'm usually too busy swimming in gin and tonic" I do think that it affects a lot of people as the times change and day light seems to wane. There are many things that you can do to pull yourself out of the funk, such as exercise, healthy diet and perhaps a new inviting hobby to take your mind off the darkenss. Me, I burn small pieces of paper in front of a golden idol I call Fred. Fred looks similar to the Indiana Jones Idol and weighs about as much as a bag of sand. I even shared my bowl of cheerios to his Freddedness

I ate breakfast today, just like I had yesturday at 4am....ahhahahah "just kidding" it was 4pm, yet looked very similar out side to the wee hours of the morning.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Happy Arrival Day

Join me in wishing Jen, Boone, and Roxy the best, they're safe and sound at the new digs down in RocketCity 'Bama.

Thursday, November 15, 2007


Looks like all you monkeys on the East Coast will have to buck up and deal. Who actually wants to move to Alaska and get paid obscene amounts of money for a job they love to do anyway?? ( you would think Denali Nat'l Forest would persuade the naysayers, but it doesn't) I want my shiat hole existance to be right here across the river from the Ghetto Schenecta'dirt... "F" the wild animals on the frontier and all their tasty glory. I bet a deer blasted in teh ADK's tastes just the same as Elk from Chugatch.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Global Warming


Monday, November 12, 2007

Breakfast foods

I've decided that on the tail of cooking breakfast for Z an myself on Saturday that you really can't go wrong with breakfast foods. In fact I believe that everyone should decide on a whim to make a 12 egg omelette with bacon, roasted red peppers, and enough cheese to stop up an entire army of soldiers throw in some toast and grape jam and the world revolves a little smoother, hit that with roast beast hash and time stops. Granted if you cook like me, an omelette turns out to be more like scrambled eggs with shit in them. 12 eggs of scrambled with stuff in them, MMmmmmm. Left over breakfast foods, not so much, but they can be spiced up a bit if you roll the stuff in tortilla and add Frank's Original Redhot like it was it's own food group.

Today I had more breakfast, unfortunately without the added company, breakfast is just a little after most of the world finishes their lunch. It's not's brinner in all its glory. If there were an IHOP close to my place of res. I'd be eating pancakes everyday and getting a rabbit.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Todays Randomness

Today's Randomness is brought to you by rollin out of the rack; following an awesome weekend, @ 5pm, the word peripeteia • \pair-uh-puh-TEE-uh\ • noun: a sudden or unexpected reversal of circumstances or situation especially in a literary work, and the number 15/hr.

After many, MANY empty cans, bottles, glasses, jugs, growlers, and plastic's difficult to play backgammon with three-man rules (not impossible, just difficult). Thanks for helping me remember the the finer points of getting retarded Z. Goodtimes, hope you made the journey home safe and sound. RPG Matty!

Guest appearences this weekend included Gonzo and D, thanks for rockin gentlemen. wooooooooooo!!

Good food folks and fun.....shaggy bob need sleepers, and as soon as I get myself out of work, I'm crashin' until work tommorrow evening.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Rut R'oh Raggy

Due to unfortunate circumstances, Devastatin' Dave's agent called and he won't be entertaining the happy hour crowd at the Oasis. He died tragically when his faux leather pants exploded into flames touching off a conflagration that ignited and ultimately charred him to the soul. Zip Zap Rap..... R.I.P. Fire officials expect foul play...something having to do with poor album sales and his shady record label. "It was a totally Devastatin' blow to the record industry to lose such a mogul"

In his stead, the Zman will be making an appearance approximately 8pm, after a brief moment of silence.... the drankin boots will be laced up, and it'll be a good to the last drop evening.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Surrealism revisited

Like all human beings, the bladder can only hold so much. When it's time to go, it's time to go. I ventured to the 2nd floor restroom in my place of biz to do my biz/whizz and Surrealism hit me like a sledgehammer made of jello right on the left eyebrow. 4 urinals in standard formation are located on a wall, with dividers to separate them. No one was in there, the lights were shining to their best florescent hurtfulness. I'm territorial, I generally if possible use the third urnial from the left. In my melon it's my unrinal just as much as my desk is my desk. I meandered to my urinal, what a composition. In the past there have been pens/post-its/chewed wads of gum...standard things that "well whatever", today there was a half eaten donut.
A half eaten donut resting on the Urinal top ledge, crumbs scattered over approximately 15% of the ceramic whiz receptical. Florescent lights, crumbed half eaten donut, my spot... "ever laugh out loud while you're trying to pee?" (I couldn't decide if I wanted to remove said donut, or leave it for the next bathroom break... I left it).

So... imagine. Surreal, very surreal.

Todays Randomness is brought to you by a half eaten urinal donut, the word jactitation • \jak-tuh-TAY-shun\ • noun
: a tossing to and fro or jerking and twitching of the body, and the number 15%.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Ladders and walls

art by Jenny Holzer

`One often thinks one is climbing towards a solution only to eventually discover that the ladder has been leaning against the wrong wall. Sometimes this happens because one didn't look where one was going, or receiving the wrong information, or because one addressed the situation with an invalid preconception.

~Conclusion: If you don't realize you've picked the wrong wall. Then when you've reached the top you're convinced it's the right answer.

art by Jenny Holzer

Monday, November 5, 2007

November 9th

I realized today that I'm looking at my newly added responsibilities at work in the wrong light. I've been basically bitching and moaning that I don't get paid more to be ultimately responsible for the finished product of the company. I've got it in my head that since I'm the newest member of the nightside team, they wouldn't bat an eyelash at sending a pink slip to my desk should anything go "wrong" under my watch. That's not so crazy...getting rid of me wouldn't hurt anything....they could function. I didn't get the Christmas bonus that everyone else got last year, I missed the cut off by two days. I didn't get a raise in June, yet didn't get the axe like the unfortunate 12. BUT, now that I think about it, I get a daily bonus ( Everyday, as in every single day ) for working at the G. Monetarily It works out to about a Starbucks Grande coffee or what would be a tasty good draft beer at a bar ( 1 everyweek of course). Everyday I get the extra added bonus of having the paper delivered right to my door. Yup $0.50 a day.... bonus man!, Bonus. And think of all the trees I'm killing by doing my job actually reading the paper every night as the last line of defense against the editorial oopsies. I do have to read it, in its entirety, as well as the entire online edition. [what a job]

I haven't unsubscribed...and I won't. The person that delivers my paper gets paid by the paper, the cost of plastic bags and rubber bands, come out of his or her pocket. So should I decide to cancel my subscription I'm taking food out of that persons mouth. They have a narstier shift than I do, I hear them pulling in as I lay down to finally sleep at 5-6am.... I'm the first stop on their route they'll be rollin' around dropping off papers until noon. So who am I to complain, I get a $.50 bonus everyday, and I help another soul with a terrible shift make ends meet.

MAybe I'll cover my place with all the old newsprint laying around, top to bottom, even the windows. Then I'll get my favorite spidey underwear on (only the spidey underwear) and cover myself in paint... Cadmium orange, and lead white.... sit on my couch and wait for the effects to kick in, then add color like an H.R. Puff 'N' Stuff set. Hmmmm. Thank you to the G, for the opportunity to be a performance artist, performing for my three biggest fans. Me, Myself, and I, we love performance pieces. And all for just $.50 a day. Woooo hoo!

The Owl

The Owl is gone and he's pissed, like going to go Postal pissed! "Who?" (click above for a link to Boone and Jen's post)

Free range organic

Chatted briefly with Jo on this subject, but really didn't get too indepth, foolish rant follows turn away. Turn away now.

Are free range organic eggs really any better than the store bought eggs that come in styrofoam and are marked in the Grade AA? I mean, does an egg that invariably gestated in a bird going to be any different if said bird was caged or running around in the yard? I would think that there would be more problems with busted eggs from Free Range Chickens, or would the omlette be just that much more countrified? (I dun got me a free range omlette, cock-a-doodle-doo) PETA is going to hate me here, and on a subconscious level, heck I'll just flat out say I don't care. Animals are on the planet because they taste good. Fois Gras? Drunk Ducks with enlarged livers.... or wasted water fowl who can't control how much they eat. Our country is obese, why not the ducks man, why not the ducks. (PETA, n. an organization that sends me hurtful mail, followed the next day by solicitations.... my very own PETA address labels and videos of animals getting slaughtered) Ever see a cow get slaughtered? All I can say is that it's a grueome ordeal at best, a going to turn into steak and hamburger ordeal....processed meat, all beef franks and a tri-tip roaast, gruesomeness. They use an airhammer now, kaPow. As opposed to back in the day, READ the JUNGLE By Upton Sinclair.
Here's my theory, if animals were and are so intelligent, loveable, and derned cute... evolution would have made it possble to avoid being on the menu. How is that possible? you may ask.... go grab a knife, (I'll wait) just go to the drawer/block and pick out your favorite chef knife. It feels good in your hands doesn't it?! Now, pretend you are a cow.... you can't! because that thumb of yours holding onto the knife prohibits you becoming a prey animal. Send in the VEAL biatches and have a feast, wear leather shoes, and belts, dine like a king or queen.... Lasron once said to me at a party, that 'If my dog would ask him for a bite of his hamburger'... in english, 'he'd give her the whole damned thing'" And I knew he would, but she's not going to speak english anytime soon, and opposable thumbs are way out of her league. I step on bugs, spiders and other things that crawl... exoskeletons are no match for the opposable thumb toting carnivores. A stew pot is a great place to keep a bunny. There are things I don't eat, Shark, I don't eat shark.. I also don't swim in the ocean because a shark could eat me. See how it works, Apex predators should consume whatever they like with out having to worry. Opposable thumbs and a paycheck are the only limitations. If you want to spend triple the cost for a chicken that runs around all the time bully for you, I'm going to eat the lazy one that comes from a cage.... If fact, I'll never see the cage, my chickens come in shrink wrap, on styrofoam, sometimes a couple of birds at a time, well...the parts at least.
I'm not going to bash anyone for being good to the food stuffs, but if you're going to join an organization that promotes better animal living through knowledge, ( get a bucket and climb a tree, free range milk is hard to come by) "whatcha waitin for up in that tree? "A cow to walk under me so I can jump down and milk it" good luck with the calcium intake buddy, I hear that the cows are wearing camoflage these days...if you're color blind cuz you didn't eat carrots as a child.
If you're a person that says animals that live organic have a better life, and that's why you've decided to give up on the mass produced meat, I can understand that. But you also have to think of this...It's still F-in Dead and you're eating it, it dies to be on your plate, I doubt organically raised beef is sung a lullaby, and or given a chance to run free out on the prairie when they're about to turn it into a slab o beef. "Awe, that's a good beef cattle, did you enjoy your organic oats today, look over there, a few free range cows....what do you say stud head on over an.....=>blam beef tips<=.
Organic vegetables? No matter where you get them they grew with shit, shit alone or shit mixed with dirt. I can't taste the difference between a carrot that costs $0.35, and a carrot that costs $2.55, but I can defintely see the wallet emptying. Carrot, (Ka-rot)n. orange root vegatable that grows in dirt, available at varying prices, yet strangely similar all around when it comes to nutritional value. ( the only difference I see in the market with organic veggies is the faux dirt, that's what you're paying for.

Point less rant, finished. I'm going to go get a soy latte, with organic cinnamon, in a biodegradable, recycled cup, head home to my chemical free domicile, light up a bees wax candle put on my hemp pajama pants and read a book that was printed on flax.

Friday, November 2, 2007

OK OK...I lied.

In 12hrs I will have finished laundry day: washing my superman and spiderman under-oos and prepping the Oasis. Boone and Jen are rockin out for a celebratory kiss my ass NY, Kiss it until you can't breathe function. Something tells me we're going to have some happy hour fun at Schenecta'dirts expense, "burn it, buuuurln ete tu the grouuunund".
It's Jen's last day working for "the man", man, at "the Man's diggs", and stuff. This might be the last hoorah, before they venture down to plantationville, and start up an S&M biz in 'Bama whoopin ass with their Bible-Belts and unleashing the featherduster sportin Reeses Organ-Grinder monkey named Butch on unsuspecting neighbors.....

Thursday, November 1, 2007

dark funky moods

I'm taking the week off. Not from a vacation or anything, just taking a week to prioritize some shiat that has been boggling my mind for the last few weeks. Be back on the 8th of November, with a lame post about being back to post again.