Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Give Thanks

It's Turkey Day here in the Good Ole US of A. Give thanks and enjoy family for the holiday. Thanks to the Second Amendment, the deep dark woods, or perhaps an over stocked barn with fattened fowl that are mechanically dispatched. Enjoy the heavy dose of tryptophan.

Monday, November 24, 2008


The restorative powers of the human body are quite amazing. Without stitches, I can sucessfully go about my business with a simple cross over tourniquet of band-aids to keep the slashed wound on my finger from opening up again. If you've never had the opportunity to use Skin Shield ( a liquid multipurpose bandaid liquid type thing) I suggest that you get some. Other than the initial stinging pain that will bring tears to your eyes it's quite the handy stuff to have. And it's water proof. It's not as effective as superglue, and it clearly states on the bottle that it shouldn't be used for gaping wounds and more for nicks scrapes and minor cuts. It'll retard the initial scarring process and won't allow air to get to the boo-boo, but it keeps you from having to soak clothing in cold water to get the blood out. A bonus for any stupid clutz to have in the medicine cabinet, road side kit, camping first aid kit, party in a vest, and anyother place that one might feel compelled to put it to good use. Like, Say a glove box in your Jeep.

Todays Randomness is brought to you by Skin Shield, the word genius • \JEEN-yus\ • noun *1 : a single strongly marked capacity or aptitude 2 : extraordinary intellectual power especially as manifested in creative activity 3 : a person endowed with transcendent mental superiority; especially : a person with a very high IQ, and the number 1.25".

Friday, November 21, 2008

Like a first kiss

Out on a date, your wedding, or what have you... the first kiss. You remember it, no matter how many first kisses you've had you can remember each and everyone. Nostalgia tends to take you back to the exact moment and you get lost in the moment again. Unless of course it was a sloppy nasty I can't believe that just happened kiss in a club with some sasquatch of a wookie. You still remember though....

I have a love hate relationship with the printing plates at work mostly hate, and every-so-often I get a little nick, scratch or a gaping wound that needs stitches. It's the latter that are like a first kiss I remember them all. I got kissed again not 15minutes ago.

This brings the 3yr battle/war/on-going struggle/game/match/contest a little closer but not to the point of the plates catching up that much:

The Score: Plates 9 ______ Shaggybob 46,822 (guesstimated, using the law of averages and stuff)

I remember the 9 distinctly, infact I've ruined clothing, bloodied the floor, cursed under my breath, swore out loud, and generally became a blastpheming mother hating F-bomb of an individual. My kiss tonight was on my right index finger, straight across perpendicularly and to the bone, between the first knuckle and back of my hand. A laceration over an inch long and only wide enough to squirt out hemo attempting to thoroughly saturate the equivalent of 17 paper towels. I won't be using my index finger for a couple of weeks. It's definitely going to leave a nice scar.

A scar which will someday lead me to converse with a little lady and get me a first kiss; If she digs scars, in which case I'll show her the others and it'll lead to something more lucrative. (wink wink nudge nudge nothing to see here).

I'm surfin my couch for the next two days, shoot me a ring if you get bored. I'll be "nursing my wound" with some Tangueray.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Shagz VonCaption Contest

I toned this photo for the paper tommorrow and thought it was missing something. "?Lil Help?"

Made the cut, so far.....

Once again, the utility player of the Gaz made the cut for the round of layoffs. I still work the night shift until something better comes along. Hopefully within the next few months.


Available Assistant Museum Registrar position at a local venue. Don't mind if I do........(<=throws a paper airplane resume via email).

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


I know when winter is here simple by the fact that I can go outside and not realize that my nose is dripping mucous down into my goatee. Only noticing that the liquid is visibly noticable when I get a sideways glance from a passing stranger. Sniffle sniffle wipe repeat. It's sore nose weather. I've seen little kids with snot bubbles, and drippy noses, when you're 33 it may be a bit socially unacceptable.(Unless of course you run onto a crazy hot little betty that has a fetish for snotty faced men who don't see the light of day, then perhaps, um perhaps snot)

It looks like the holiday season is once again going to be a strain here at the Gaz. There are rumors floating around that another round of layoffs are imminent. I feel secure knowing that I'm only 1 of 3 people that do what I do on a regular basis (the other 2 are Union), but the supervisors are asking others to learn my position in a limited aspect under the guise that ""should "I" not be available, or take a sick day they can step in with minimal stress to cover"". [Could they conceivably get rid of a person that is ultimately responsible for the output and upload of the company's only product 39% of their fiscal year?] Miss Kate recently fell victim to the supervisor's hatchet (her position was inifinitely more important) and many others throughout the country are on the block. It seems strange to me that the pre-holidays would be the best time to lay people off from a company's stand-point. I guess that's just because I don't play in the corporate card game. I can say that there will be a mushroom cloud should I be the next victim. It will mean that I've wasted the last three years of my life working nights and missing out on a normal life just to pay bills foregoing a personal life to make ends meet. Nervousness at work for the 3rd time in 16months isn't a good.

Todays Randomness is brought to you by: My ass firmly planted in front of a bank of 10 computers, the word battue • \bat-TOO\ • noun : the beating of woods and bushes to flush game; also : a hunt in which this procedure is used, and the number 122508.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

NYE w/ Miss Val and Vinnie

I got nuthin'

Nothing to post here move along.

Spent time with the bro, sis, and nephew on Friday...
...worked last evening. Although I thoroughly enjoy working the vampire shift, being ultimately responsible for the only product the company produces with respect to specific deadlines and uber correctness, there are a myriad of other things that I could imagine would be infinitely more pleasurable than doing just that on a non-scheduled night, more specifically a Saturday night. I guess that's the way it works though. Co-workers that have amassed 14weeks of vacation between them like to have their holiday seasons to use said vacation. I work around using the 2weeks I get pretty easily. Since the holidays are upon us, I now don't really have my regular schedule. I get shifted back and forth to cover the time that the others are away. SO, my irregular regular hours are now, whenever they need me regardless of week day or weekend, and anytime between 4pm and 5am. Most shifts are 10hrs but the eventuality of a problem arising and having to stay later than penciled in is always a looming threat. ( I can dig it, it'll allow me to take that random F-in Wednesday evening off sometime, cuz I haven't had a Wednesday evening off in 3yrs ) I always missed that random Wednesday, Wednesdays rock, not that anyone will be around, and I'll probably sit on my couch catatonically staring at the walls, but hey it's Wednesday riiiight? I'll gladly trade a Wednesday for a Saturday.... seriously LOOK AT ME, I LOVE IT!

Exuding sarcasm like a heavy stinking sweat

Friday, November 14, 2008


What it the technical definition of a nap?

I question this because today was a gloomy day, and when I awoke at nooner and laid there for 30 or so minutes contemplating the daily grind I decided that it would be a good time to take a nap and closed my eyes. 2 hrs later I started my day.

So I guess it could be called "still sleeping", but I was awake for a bit before deciding to close my eyes again.?

I'll just go with it was a nap. That way I won't feel like the worthless lump of a human being that I've lately become.

Thursday, November 13, 2008


.... I don't care if you have Soy Milk, and Organic veggies, nor do I pretend to understand the vehemance with which you preach. I stand behind you and your stinky dreaded hair waiting patiently for the divider to get to the cashier so that I can pay for my food. I shop within my budget and after a thorough washing the red bell pepper I have is no different that the one you have, other than the fact that my chemically coated vetetable looks 40times healthier than your wrinkled, shrivled, haggard, looking excuse for a pepper. Asking if "I'm really gonna eat that" whilst looking at my Nature Valley Granola bars will only prompt a return inquisition about the uber processed ho-ho's you have in your selected food stuffs for the day. Not only that but you might get a snide retort such as ""No not at all, I was planning on hot gluing them to a mirror, then mounting the mirror in a frame hanging it on my wall and calling it "WTF Do You Think" It's on the friggin conveyor belt and I consciously made the decision to EAT them in the aisle back there." (?why must price checks ache so long?) Oh nevermind it was the organic single quince that dreadhead beatch purchased to suppliment her Ho-ho intake. Thanks for the chat the cashier is giggling at your preaching, then making comments behind your back as you leave the store prompting a little giggle of my own.

Why is food so important for others to comment on in passing. (It rarely will initiate a coversation if that's what you're looking for). A Guy I work with has been commenting thusly everyday since I started at the Gaz. He is even bold enough to refer to a "full on, all the trimmings, turkey dinner" as snacks. "Oooooh nice snacks you have there" [It's a turkey dinner fool] Snacks you pop in the microwave to heat from their frozen goodness to edible. A turkey "dinner" takes no less than 3hrs to prepare. Even if said turkey dinner is in tupperware for transport, there's no need to label it with an inferior title. I don't comment on this guys perpensity to dress like a reject from the preppy days of 1982 with draped pink sweater and yellow socks. Leave my turkey alone.

If you eat solely organic good, if you stuff your face with processed foods good, if you balance the two good good for you. Just don't stand on your soap box in the check out lane. I'm pretty sure someone that you're yiping at won't completely change their mind and return all the food that they were just going to purchase due to your enlightenemnt. [Although, given the situation happen to me again, I'll sequester the smart/healthy eater to accompany me around the store for a few hours telling me about all the benefits of their particular lifestyle and purchase all the food they suggest + NuttyBars and Ring-Dings and a single quince]

"Nothin' says healthy livin' like Hostess Ho-hos"

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Lil Help

Dear US Gov't,

My name is ShaggyBob and due to the economic down turn forced upon me by the state of affairs on Wall Street, I respectfully request that you send/give me $3.5 Billion dollars. If you look at my past records with regard to spending you will see that I have never spent more than $300 in one place at one time without applying for credit, I squirrel away as much as I can under pillows and mattresses, in coffee cans and freezer bags. As a valuable asset to the freedom of the American people I need your support Thus my request should warrant your utmost attention. I will wait patiently by my mailbox and sign the required paperwork when the check arrives. Please send said moneys via registered mail. You know where to find me, if not just ask one of my lenders or utility companies ( they can get a bill to arrive 35seconds after it is printed, even if they are half way around the friggin world).

Thankyou for the $3.5 Billion in advanced.


Tuesday, November 11, 2008

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time

I cook quite a bit and don't usually have much trouble cleaning up after myself. I may cook a bit too hot most of the time. (Z knows that I just like eating good food in a quicker manner than letting anything simmer) I do however have a problem with one particular food item when it comes to the mess. Peanut Butter. Whilst making a simple PB&J sandwich I some how manage...I kid you get peanut butter everywhere. The balcony railing, my TV, an elbow, an eyebrow, pants, shirt, rug, toilet seat, fridge door, pillow case, jeep steering wheel, inside a shoe. No place is safe. I don't know how it happens, and I don't know why. But I do know that I hate finding said peanut butter in all the different places. I can make a conscious effort trying not to get it everywhere and I fail miserably everytime. Today was no different. I hope that the folks at National Grid enjoy the personal check for electricity consumption with the added downhome feel of a bit of peanut butter on the payment. It's peanut butter jelly time!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Halloween Costumes from the Oasis

Thankyou for the pics Elisa.

Suprisingly my chin still hurts from when I tried to KO myself doing the worm on a cement floor at Spanky's Lounge. Fractured...but only a hairline. I'm sure in 4-6weeks I'll be right as rain.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Not exactly

Not exactly how I had planned the weekend to go, but it was uber fun just the same.

Friday afternoon after spending 5hrs undecidedly in a bookstore I thought I wanted to cook. Cinnamon Apple stuffing rolled to perfection in a hammered flat pork sheet. Or I guess you could call it a stuffed pork loin. I made the food knowing that I was going to share a meal in Toga-town with DK Lil Mac & Ollie. As tempting as it was to scarf it all down I stuck to my guns and headed to the Lighthouse.

The win a free membership to the mugclub situation quickly deteriorated. 120 stainless steel intricately designed steins....2yr waiting list to join in the fun. Conner and I were a bit dumbfounded. So what's a guy to do.... "to hell with mugs of beer" I said and washed a tasty meal down with a face full of martinis. Met a little Betty, her name was Betty, a professor at Skidmore, talk about no strangers in life only friends you haven't met yet. I learned that they'll soon be posting a job that I'm completely qualified for, which may have the opportunity to teach some intro level color theory and principles of aesthetics and design. (101 for the masses with Shagz VonTeachinShite at the helm.) Betty was a bit under the influence, it happens when you weigh 85lbs and you're 70. Conner had the calamari, and a buffalo chicken salad, I chowed down the chicken quesadilla. All of it was awesome. I went for the quesadilla more due to the fact that a steak would have ran me 40bones as opposed to the culinary craving for quesadilla. After a few extra cocktails I snagged a ride home and continued the imbibing whilst watching the same old movies I find myself gravitating towards. The Holy Grail is twice as funny when you are just a bit tipsy and can advanced line the whole thing.

Saturday I shook off a hangover of the gods and rolled out of the rack at 2:30pm finished some more fixin's for dinner and carted the meal off to Toga town. It was super awesome to veg out and chill with the DK Lil Mac & Ollie. Tons more fun even than getting shit faced sitting at a bar drinking straight booze in fancy glasses and forgetting my name for a few hours. If I called you I apologize I did some serious drunken dialing. definitely have to do that more often.

I hooked up the cable in my place to get the basic channels via air wave and actually caught some Football today. The first two games of the last three years on the tube. TV is crack.

Now I'm back at the old orafice, and only have one day off in the next 13. Bully for me. I love this shit. Can't wait to get laidoff.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Mumble mumble

I'm a chronic low talker. Not a mumbler but I tend to not scream. When it hinders a conversation I ramp it up a bit. It really sucks when I don't realize this when it comes to something I need to convey in a speciafic situation and I don't get a desired response. Thanks to the raise that the Gaz decided to give me; which I've mentioned before is just enough to get a 5$ foot long at Subway, I went to Subway today. I low talked my way into an order.

ME: "Could I get 2 12in subs on Honey Oat bread"
ARTIST: "6in on ??"
ME: "Could I get 2 12in subs on Honey Oat bread, roast beef and a deli combo"
ARTIST: "oh.... 1 12in sub on Honey Oat"
ME: "Could I get 2 12in subs on Honey Oat bread"
ARTIST: "Toasted?"
(ME thinking I just ordered 24in of plain toasted Honey Oat Bread)
(ARTIST starts making two tuna fish subs on Honey Oat bread)
ME: "???"
ARTIST: "Cheese?"
(ME It's on the bread already, I guess tuna is what I ordered)
ME: "American"
ARTIST: "Toasted?"
ME: "No thankyou"
(ARTIST starts toasting one of the subs)
(ME It's in the Salamander already, I guess toasted tuna is what I ordered)
ARTIST: "Veggies?"
ME: "No thankyou"
(ARTIST loads the first sub with "the works")
(ME It's loaded up already, I guess toasted tuna with the works is what I ordered)
ARTIST: "On the second?"
ME: "Nothing thankyou"
(ARTIST loads the second sub with "the works")
ME: "Mumble, Mumble, Mumble"
ARTIST:"Will that be all?"

I went to Subway to Eat Fresh and all I got was a stale cookie. A Low Talking stale fuckin cookie.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Random!? you bet.

My kitchen's so small, you can't swing a dead cat in there without getting fur in your mouth.

"He has the attention span of a chicken on speed."

As busy as a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest...

So ugly he could back a dog off a meat wagon...

As shallow as a saucer

Lower than a duck's butt

As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

It's rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock"

Time to piss on the fire and call the dogs.

Busier than a cross-eyed cranberry picker.

He's so dumb that if he saw a sign that said 'Wet Floor' he would."

Tighter than a camel’s ass in a sandstorm’

That's slicker than snot on a doorknob!

Couple Sandwiches short of a picnic

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.

Nosier than a mule in a tin shed.

Faster than a blind dog's tail in a meat market.

He couldn't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight.

Trying to nail Jell-O to the wall

Quit running around like a fart in a bottle.

His eyes bugged out like a stomped on toad frog.

It'll work... Like a windshield wiper on a goat’s ass

Couldn't find his ass with both hands in his back pockets

You're the one f**king this chicken, I'm just holding the wings...

(to have suffered diarrhea): "I've just spent tuppence in ha'pennies and farthings"

I'm hungry enough to eat the ass out a dead mule...

Slower than smoke off of a cool turd...

On Futility: It's like trying to herd cats.

Don't get your crank shaft all up in a two stroke!"

He was grinnin like a dog shittin a peach seed ".

Quit your cryin'. You're gettin' the floor wet.

Elevators in the basement and the cords have been cut.

Obviously, you weren't spanked enough as a child.

Happier than a four-peckered goat.

--Whatever blows your skirt up for ya

Cigateettes & Whiskey (<= clicky)



Send'm back to the ranch (<=singin, Cigareeettes and Whiskey and Wild Wild Women they'll Drive you crazy they'll drive you insane.) "Piss on the Fire, call in the dogs-headed'on back to Crawford".

Lets see some changin'

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

ShaggyBob's Manifest Boozery

This Friday The Manifest Boozery will be heading to the farflung reaches of culinary delights known as the Watersedge LightHouse Restaurant. Join me for HappyHour at 5pm and a chance to win a free membership in the MugClub. No cover, the place closes at 10pm and the Oasis is just a short chipshot away. OK, ok...maybe a couple of serious drives, a bunker, and a 3lane road, but reachable in 4: putting optional. Bring your ID's. I have to, I still have no facial hair.
A Virgin Martini just ain't the same.
Sasha is makin the drinks and he's no pushover. In former Soviet Russian he waas enforcer with K-G-B... you tip NOW.

"Eat Alone and Starve...Drink Alone and Die..."

Monday, November 3, 2008

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by a long weekend, my pantry, the word gauche • \GOHSH\ • adjective*1 : lacking social experience or grace; also : not tactful : crude 2 : crudely made or done, and the number hamburger helper.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Happy Halloween indeed

I'll post better pictures of the costumes when they become available. Here's a Halloween blur for ya. Kung-Fool Drunken Master.

Z and Elisa rolled in Friday Night just about the time I was finishing off a happy hour brew with Wadlo. We rocked a cooking show and messed around with a case or two of oatsodas. Super chill night although they did end up tuning into my sleep schedule. 4am comes up pretty fast don't it? I even left a cheerleader (I can admit that, it was my cheerleader).

Saturday after a fairly lazy morning and early afternooner we headed to Toga-town to say hello to Miss Kristi, Lil Mac, and Ollie. It was good to see them, but had to be cut short unfortunately. I swear, some brilliant engineer out there is going to have to come up with a working teleporter, it would make life so much easier. After a few hours chillin in Toga we rolled back to the Oasis and I tried to get the costume together.

Spirit gum is a wonderous thing, but only if you use it in profusion. The eyebrows were firmly stuck to my melon all the way until the bartender at Spanky's tore them off. The Fool-Man-Chu mustache and goatee was a different matter. They looked alright when I applied them, and were fine in the Jeep on the way to the party, once in the open air the spirit gum started to let go. I was in costume in its entirety for just about 1 1/2hr before the left mustache fell off. I evened it out by yanking the other off. Once that was done I made it another 20minutes before a little spilled beer (Is there anything it can't do) dissolved the chin portion. I've decided to go with my own hair for any and all future make believe halloweenish dress up days, wigs....yeah....they suck!! I had issues eating until the facial hair came off, more because I don't like the stringy bland taste of acrylic hair, and I was getting more of that than the food. It was chilly in the sandals, but you gotta do what you gotta do. The jacket/shirt and pants are wicked comfortable... I see myself turning the kung-fu jacket into a chef coat, it "only" makes perfect sense to me.

The food at Spanky's was awesome this year, lots of stuff that you really couldn't tell what it is, but knew that it would be tasty. The drinks were a bit weak for me, but I made up for it with liberal consumption of coronas, Booood-light and of course the triple bakers dozen in jello shots. Slur to blur to slur and back again.

Bonfires kick ass
Haunted Houses... also kick ass. At one point a "spook" in the haunted house was supposed to throw marshmellows at the people going through, I had had just about invisibility worth in booze, yet keeping in character, when she whipped the marshmellows I caught 2 and deflected a few more Hiiii-YAh. WhaaaaAAaaaaaaH. Rob and Lisa will never be on the JV Halloween Team. They sure can throw a party.

We returned home; thankfully, with Elisa at the wheel. Z had drinkdrankdrunk enough for a small pub in Ireland, and didn't think being awake was a good idea, so he crashed. I stayed up until 4ish again, and kept chugging away. Hot Coacoa with the mixins for a white russian can never be bad in my book. Mmmmm warm booze. After yet another lazy early morning and afternoon they hit the road, I forgot to turn back my clocks, and wouldn't ya know it=> I was only 2hrs early for work.

E and Z will be sending some pics my way hopefully at which point I'll post them so you can live vicariously through the camera and imagine that the party was "an 8 out of 10, a good drunk".

Here's Elisa with the Oasis obligatory flight helmet pic.