Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Willem the Math Conqueror

One way I like to describe it to my students is in terms of time:
One million seconds is about 11 days.
One billion seconds is about 32 years.
So, at $1 per second, it would take over 22,000 years to pay $700 billion!

And I'm willing to bet that the 700B is only the tip of the iceberg. I'm going to start putting money under my matress.

The "B" it's the "B"

I realized in my working "zone out"...(something that happens everynight I'm scheduled to make the plates that roll out the newspaper) that I'm woefully underprepaired to some kinds of understanding. It's tough for me to grasp concepts. Take for example, I currently have $3.50 in my pocket, it's tangible, I can reach in my pocket and touch it. 3 bills and 2 quarters, it's easily the best money to have in one's pocket. I can play the vending machine lottery and walk away a champ with this kinda dough. I can't however even fathom if you take the $3.50 or $3.5 if you will and add one letter. That letter is a "B" $3.5B is so far out of the grasp of my mind that I can't even look at it with reverance. The country is waiting for a failed 700B bailout plan because people believe in electronic money. 700B does Not exist, it's a significant number of 11111001010010101010101's.

If I have money in my bank account that is equal to or a bit higher than something with 3zeros attached I consider myself in good standing with the world. I can make due with 2 zeros, and have actually survived for months with a single zero "give and take" you all know the drill. But a B is like talking quantum physics with an astro-physisistststst. It's just too huge, I just looked it up 700B is equal to 700 thousand million that shit doesn't even make sense.

Let's get really really warped here, shall we:

This is 1/3400 of 700 billion, ask me if I know what that actually is and I'll tell you politely to fuck off. In my mind though, the stack in the front toward the righthand side, not that one, the other one....nope the other other one. Yup That's the one, "that's the one that is probably all the money I'll ever make in my life time".

I'm positive that there will be no "B"'s in my future, I just can't wrap my head around people actually discussing it.

How about a billion bowls of oatmeal, how about a billion mosquitos, how about 700 billion toothpicks. Hell fill the grand canyon with pudding I bet that would take less than B.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Congrats to Jenn and Brett

It started with a quick trip to the airport to retrieve Adam [very cool cat], I'm glad that I had the opportunity to meet the man. We arrived at the camp to a meet and greet bar-b-que dinner, 80 people milling arounnd saying hello and catching their bearings. A fabulous bartender werking her ass of with all the thirsty folks. Saturday a wake up and yard games, the Manifest Boozery in full tilt. A wonderful ceremony followed by an extreme example of Reception. Not only was the food amazing but I can't remember a wedding that I've attended (minus the usual riff raff that I know = TEP) that had the atmosphere of this shindig rolling toward zany. It was crazy, Capt'n Insano. It was great to see you again Jordan, be well gorgeous.
I took a page from the Book Of Boonie at one point during the evening after liberal libation and yup.... I did the worm surrounded by clapping dance circle goodness then washed it all down with a dirty martoonie in a pint of haze. It felt strangely cathartic smashing myself into the floor. Just like old times. The wedding party and guests partied well into the night, and after donning a more comfortable attire I found myself sitting by the lake with the sun rising, a misty dew in the air and a fog over the water. Solo reflection of the prior evening and a great outdoorsy relaxation. It was 5am when I finally called it a night. I missed the brunch ( I had expected this all along) but tried my hardest to stir.

After a quick good-bye, I hope and trust that Jenn and Brett are as I type sitting on a beach in Jamaica sipping the all inclusive mai-tai or pina colada and partaking in the herbal offerings of the Island.

I traveled to SGF nd stopped to see the wee man Tanis and my bro/sis. He's gotten a bit bigger and has quite the set of lungs. I was scared to hold the little guy having gotten only a few hour of sleep and I was jittery in that not quite right way of kinda soggy from the previous night. I stayed for a couple of hours adn then hit the road back to the Oasis.

I had expected to grab a bite to eat then fall into the sleep of all sleeps. It wasn't in the cards. After a bit of food I stayed lucidly awake watching movies and reading until 4am.

I've finally realized I hate working nights, I hate being on a schedule that is opposite of all the people I know and love, I hate the fact that I'm never content sleeping prior to 4am. This is going to have to change.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


Sometimes when I wake up in the afternoon I get hungry, somedays I get real hungry. Today is one of those days.

I started with 2 bowls of some healthy cereal at noon30-ish. After a quite tasty breakfast at the diner down the street complete with short stack and all the necessary forms of pig, chicken, and cow I was still hungry @ 130ish. I snagged a Wendy's Baconator Value Meal (total let down) @ 4 and I was still hungry. I've just now finished one of the two foot long subs made my way from Subway. Double everything on a turkey club, with a double everything on a philly cheese to come. I'm still hungry.

Somedays it's better to think that you wouldn't be willing to eat the ass end out of a dead horse just on principle, others it seems to sound faintly enticing.

Today I've eaten 1/5th of my body weight so far, in food stuffs, not counting the tasty cold beverages that washed it all down.

WTF is that all about?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Outta the Blue

Well, that blindsided me pretty hard. I had no clue. In fact I'm going to rethink my perception of life as I know it. What could I possibly have been thinking to let this slip by me without the slightest inkling. I for one am ashamed to be me for not knowing. There were no telltale signs, no hints, no intimations, I niether imagined nor inferred. I basically dropped the ball on this one folks. Hell I should just call it a night and peace out like a demerol poppin emo-kid. Where and what could I have been thinking to the contrary. For Christ's Sake....... I missed it totally, "did you know that Clay Aiken was gay?" Man O man was I stunned, bewildered and caught off guard.

There's nothing wrong with that, nor the amount of sarcasm you should be smelling from your computer screen at this very moment. Huh, gay.........

Speaking of dinosaur death

I doubt it 's a very good sign when they tell the Union people that their contracts will officially be considered on a yearly basis rather that a 3yr basis. I'm just sayin.....

Anyone need an Uber qualified master of nothing out there?

I have degrees in:
Studio Art
Art History
Museum Studies
Art Education

5yrs experience working as:
Exhibition Coordinator

3yrs experience working as:
Graphic Artist
Pre-Press Production Specialist

I cook, I clean, I shave whenever it's deemed social necessity. I sleep all day, gave up coffee and am quitting smoking. The cadmium yellow paint has seeped into my skin and periodically I re-enact a scene from Braveheart at the local supermarket.

Layoffs, part Duh.

Let's pretend that I'm an employer and I have to make some cuts to keep an aging dinosaur of a publicatory entity from going the way of the uh, um, the dinosaurs. Let's say the Omnivorous work the night shift, they have to do/eat up any and everything, they do it all, with a tiny staff and trouble shoot with ruthless efficiency. The herbivorous animals work during the day, plodding through the easier non-deadline specific roughage. The Carnavores are upper management. Carnivores don't get extinted, they dictate who is ending their bloodlines and taking the prehistoric dirtnaps.

Would it be safe to assume, that a herd of 14 herbivores should be a better target than a small pack of Omnivores? As an employer I would say yes, but not the beast I work for.

We had our first real night without the people that got eateded tonight. I'll be searching for a job and hopefully by the end of the month I'll be in a different place. If not, I'm going to be quiet, non-confrontational, bury my face in the huge pile of suck, and purchase a red stapler.

It would have been a better choice to axe a daywalker than to take away one of the nightshift. It has basically worked itself into a situation where I can't even use a sick day unless it's a specific day of the week, a Monday, I can no longer get sick other than Mondays, Sundays and Tuesday thru Thurdsday are right out. I can't wait for flu season. It shouldmake for an interesting good time.

Jenn and Brett are getting hitched this Saturday, I can't wait........ The Maiden Voyage of ShaggyBob's Manifest Boozery is only 4 days away.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

what do you get when......

What do you get when you cross insomnia, a handle of Captain Morgans / 12 pack of coke, a frozen DiGiorno pizza, and a Shaggybob.

A. Arrrrrrgh!!!!. A ridiculously drunk mutt talking like a pirate, with a full stomach, falling alseep at 10am on a Sunday. A time when for all intents and purposes he should be waking up to roll to church because God knows the landlubber needs some enlightenment.


Thursday, September 18, 2008


The place of Biz the Glorious Gaz has just handed out "And don't ever come back" notice to 12 people. Making the grand total of said notices 36 int he last year and a half. I made the cut once again due to my irritable personality, pension for slacking off and my basic malaise while here at the office. Basically in my department there are 3 supervisors and one full time employee now. I don't supervise shit, so I get to be employee for the little game. Next round of layoffs (Sweet Sassy Molassey) I gets to be the go-to guy! WOOOOOooooooo! I'll do my part at that point to re-iterate classic lines from the bible like

....“Yea also, because he transgresseth by wine, he is a proud man, neither keepeth at home, who enlargeth his desire as hell, and is as death, and cannot be satisfied, but gathereth unto him all nations, and heapeth unto him all people: / Shall not all these take up a parable against him, and a taunting proverb against him, and say, Woe to him that increaseth that which is not his! how long? and to him that ladeth himself with thick clay! / Shall they not rise up suddenly that shall bite thee, and awake that shall vex thee, and thou shalt be for booties unto them? / Because thou hast spoiled many nations, all the remnant of the people shall spoil thee; because of men's blood, and for the violence of the land, of the city, and of all that dwell therein.”........

Or maybe I'll just tell them to "It's not going to Suck Itself."

The fulltimer that got smacked is the owner of Spanky's Lounge(10yrs in,=> 2 weeks from being vested in her retirement fundage),the Part-timer that got cut was the lil lady that failed out of beauty school and made the transition to doing exactly what I've been doing for the last three years with my 4 F'in B.A's. I have no faith in my choice of professions at this point, and feel that twitch to start looking once again for a change. (ShaggyBob is my name, 3yr nomad is my game).

If I get laid off in or around the high season in Belize don't expect to ever see me again unless it's on a webcam in San Pedro, on the beach eating an iguana on a stick and drinking a delicious Bellikin Beer.

In any event to cover the now missing peeps I get the larger ending of the baseball bat in the end. END.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Random Office Visits with the Supervisor

It's never a good thing to get called to the principal's office, when you're on the job, it tends to reason that Principal can be translated into Supervisor (whom only is at the office during the night shift to levvy some bad news on one of the nightshift slugs). Not me, a co-worker... they've graciously offered to keep her part-time instead of outright giving her the boot. She's loosing all her benefits, vacation, and seniority, if she decides to stick with the company. Super-bullshit.

I've only had one experience in my life that is similiar, and I took the low road. You may have heard it before but here it goes again. NOT Paraphrased "You can go pack sand in-yer ass". Hence I end up with the company I now work for that is slowly dwindling my night crew to skeletal proportions.

I'm not sure what she'll eventually decide, given that she has until 4pm tommorrow to make up her mind. They let her take the night off to decide..... who the fuck does that? "By the way we're cutting your position to part-time, if you want to continue working here you have to let us know in 24hrs" Her hubby is no doubt a ball of fury right now F-bombing all the mucky mucks here at the office.

So, On my end I'm supportive, and also looking for another job again. Just in case. Making the cut twice in 6months propably means that my number is coming up for the next round. My reasoning....I'm now the only other full-time employee working in the Pre-Press/Graphics Department other than my supervisors. I give me until the new year to sit high and dry then it's anyone's guess.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

In the shitter

Thanks to Ike (The Hurricane not Tina's Ex) and Chet from accounting (on wall street not from Weird Science) it looks like we're in for a bit of the old economic rogering. Unforunately gas prices will spike very soon, and continue to stay up there until the election in November, I say this because what oil producing nation wouldn't want to see if our new president has a set of stones (...and that includes our own country since we supply 70% of our oil to ourselves, those money grubbing whores).

What-with-all the gas prices looming and the fall of our economy as we know it. Stock market Schmock market what has that got to do with the money in my pocket? plenty, but I have a feeling that one Good Old American product won't fail, it will continue to strive and be there for you and me ( You and I is way to formal). what could it be you ask...welll, I'll tell ya. Even Chet living on his meager unemployment; which is still probably 5X my salary, waxing his now defunct gas guzzling Maserati will find solace in the fact that a back yard barb-que kicks Fois Gras in the dick.

Hotdogs are here to stay, gas may be expensive, but a package of tubed by-products in all their glory won't be made too expensive by the powers that be. Not in my life time by gum. Weiners, dogs, brats, sausages, ball parks, koshers, white, and reds, polish, german, fuck it..... All the tubed meat we can eat is waiting on the grocery market shelves. It'll never go bad in all it's sleuce floor goodness, packaged for the summer but damn it, toasted in nuclear fall out will do the trick just the same. Mmmmm Hotdogs, greasy, lips and assholes hotdogs.

F*ck Wall Street, and f*ck the Oil Conglomerates. F*ck you, f*ck me, f*ck it all and eat a hotdog. That's how it should be, you don't like mustard on your dog? F@CK Tell that to Chet and Ike, then tell them their pussies for not agreeing with you. I dig mustard, but if you don't that doesn't make you unAmerican. Buy a hotdog at a gas station after you get raped at the pump, it'll make it all better. Even if the dog has been rolling all day, and night, probably for two days and nights the sweatier the better, steal a few ketchup packets and some relish, their prices will surely be affected by the economic crush and you'll feel better by doing it, but not the tubed meat my friend buy a package, a single dog or stop and buy a dog at DirtyNick's hotdog stand. Hotdogs will save this country from it's woes. HOT F@ckin DOGS

**** This message was brought to you by: ShaggyBob's Dog Cart, "Where the Hair is Either on The Bun or in the Sun, Baby Wooooooooooooo!!!"


Monday, September 15, 2008

Marinating Redux

Another weekend: Meeting up with peeps during the Day Friday, followed by happy hour in the 'Dirt. It's a decent routine that I don't mind in the least. Saturday another round of poker at Spanky's Lounge, followed immediately by popping in a movie at the Oasis and promptly falling asleep, waking only when the cold goodness of beer marinated my crotch. What a waste, not to mention soggy junk. Two Saturdays in a row wiped out to the point of spilling beverages in ones lap. This is a routine/trend I would like to nip in the bud before too many more soaking at the hands of the Saranac Brewery.

This coming weekend promises a more low key time with Spanky's closed for Halloween decoration. They go all out when it comes to two parties a year, Independence Day and Halloween. Perhaps it's time to finally buckle down and start working on the costume for this years shindig, maybe subcosciously I'm spilling the booze on me in preparation fo the costume. If that be the case all I would have to do is change the clothes a bit, and get in a huge brawl out on the town somewhere. we'll have to see about the latter although I'm not getting my hopes up just yet.

I've been asked if I would liek to change my schedule to 4 10hr days a week, and have to put some serious thought into it. I would keep my regular Friday and Saurday off, but would get another day in the mix somewhere around Tuesday or Wednesday. Not the best situation... and I'd never be able to control myself in the extra down time.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


Congrats to DK LilMac on the new arrival: Oliver in the house!!!! check out Miss Kristi's Blog for a photo


I've spent the better part of my day talking to some greasy dude at the laundr-a-mat and to tell you the truth.... I'm considering never washing my clothes again. Not only was this guy raunchy, matted and motley, but he had a great story of random for every instance that I tried to weasle my way out of the conversation. The massively onesided conversation ran the gambit from Breakfast foods to Computers to failed marriages. I only take one thing away from my experience today and it is this "As long as he was chatting at me, he was unable to pester the rest of the patrons" I doubt very seriously that the three college cheerleaders washing their underwear wouldn't have called the police at first contact with this guy. I even received a demur implied headknod/bow thankyou from one of the little ladies. I don't know his name but he loves his '70 Ford Mustang Convertable which apparently wasn't parked next to his '84 faux wooden sided rusted tan wagon in the parking lot. He's 46 and lives in a housing complex that rented to a 21yr old party animal whom conveniently live directly above him. He calls the cops twice a week and they won't do anything for him. His new wife isn't his biggest fan either.

Next week, when the laundry builds up I'm picking a different day to do the wash in hopes of having a peaceful boring watch the spinning clothes time.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Due to overwhelming requests

Due to an overwhelming amount of requests, and also owing to the fact that not too many people enjoy Art History as much as I do, there's going to be a slight change. Fra Fillipo Lippi has officially been renamed. It's easier, it's HILLAAArrrrious, and I think that overall it'll be more fitting down the road/trail.

Cousin Kletus is the new moniker for the vehicle taking me on ShaggyBob's Manifest Boozery.

I will however be distributing the prize packages to WW, AM, and now JY for coming up with the winning names. Sorry AM, it just couldn't hold, beers and slimjims for nuthin' (try to argue and I'll kick ya in the box and light ya on fire).

So, Dinner on my dime for WW and the fam.
Slimjims and a case of beer for AM with pity
...and also to JY the newly crowned winner.

If by chance you have issue with the changing of rules with regard to the contest, I appologize in advance for not caring. It's my contest and I'm the spoiled brat that gets to make the rules up as I go.

Address information for Roerbt

The thrill of owning a new vehicle is a great thing. Unfortunately the ride is short lived at the Oasis. It happens shortly after purchasing said new ride, it comes in the mail, and in some cases it poses a daunting task of adjustments. I've finally recieved all the necessary paperwork to start my purchasing plan for Fra Fillippo Lippi. Not a single document; which should have been altered at my request via the dealer, has a correct address on it. I officially live in three different towns, apartments and zip codes, the Insurance is attached to a non-existant bank, the payemnts go to yet another bank, the title info is horribly wrong "My name is misspelled." ?!?!? was the dealership collectively smoking crack when they put this shit together? I've since mailed the change of address forms, re-applied for the insurance, have a meeting with the NYS DMV Wednesday and am waiting for the title corrections to arrive when completed.

All I can say is that if it wasn't as much fun to drive, Roerbt would be paying for the Jeep. The bills would make their way to a distant upstate town, only be dropped between two apartment buildings in a rain gutter, and I could just refinance through a third bank with no hassles.

It should all be straightened out by the end of the week, I loves me some drama. Keeps the blood flowin' and gives me a reason to get out of bed before nooner.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Two days

Just got back to the office after a two day stint being a yahoo. Friday evening, I met up with a couple of friends, we decided to put the smackdown on the olde wallets and try on a few watering hoels in the 'Dirt. Pinhead Susan's, Clinton's Ditch, The Grogg Shoppe, and Katie O'Byrnes were the targets. Progressively throughout the night beginning at happyhour the places became a bit more crowded, stuffy, a little louder, and full of chicks with glitter on their faces. College is great, and i can understand the urge to head out on the town with your girlfriends, leave the glitter at home, I don't need you to brush up against me and deposit that spawn of Satan on my clothes. Glitter isn't becoming on a dude. After a fair share of libation we called it quits prior to the ledge/edge and headed our respective ways.

Saturday ON CALL, Spanky's Lounge a converted garage Tiki Bar for an evening of Poker on a camoflaged table. 10bones to get in winner takes all but the entry fee from the second place finisher. I got my ten back. I'm not a great poker player, in fact this was the first time is ever had the big stack, and took my time dwindling everyone elses chips away. I lost finally after a bit of slyness on the part of my opponent and her husband. I was at the point of "I'm bored with this game, we should be done already" when I took a fairly substantial hit chips-wise. I had it covered, and was relinquishing my stacks when Husband (who was counting chips for wife, I think that may be illegal depending on where you're playing) decided to play games and said I didn't give up enough chippage. His wife had aready swept an arm load and he was nit picking about a couple of chips. It flustered me, and I couldn't shake it. It damn neared riled me up a bunch. Way to go Psych-guy...two hands later I was out, paying more attention to chip prob than the cards at hand.

After returning to the Oasis I popped a movie in and opened a beer, apparently poker takes a lot out of you because no more than 15minutes later I woke from a dead sleep sitting on my couch with said beer marinating my crotch. D'oh

And it's time to work again, I believe that I'm only working 5 straight this week, which is a grand change. Laundry, groceries, and a light bar for the jeep are on tap during the week we'll see how far I get with that..

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Extension Pedals

....are the next mod for the Jeep just so Lil Mac and rail on the horn and gun the engine when ever she chooses. Vvvvvrooooooom! Beep Jeep

New Edition

There's a new edition to the Funny Farm. He arrived yesturday around 5pm. He's big, he's bad, and he's got the best scapegoat the planet has ever seen when the time comes 20yrs from now. My Nephew T.K. is happy healthy, poopin and fartin, cryin and sleepin. Moms and Popdukes are well, ecstatic, and dreading the day Uncle Bob gets to be a bad influence. My bro is quite the burrito maker. Baby burrito comin'!

Welcome to the world little man!!!!!

Where do I get a hat like that in the correct size? I'd hate to have to steal that thing from him.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

And there you have it....

I've received lots of entries for the renaming of my new Beast, and the Booze Cruz. Thank you all for the submissions and to those of you who haven't won a prize don't fret, I'll be making a trip to your area soon and we'll have a few oatsodas. Without further adieu It was a tough choice, but I think with a little time the selections will work their way into my daily jargon.

Honorable mention In no particular order:

Trips Names:
McShaggy's "Wee Nip" Wrangler Round-up
Shaggybob's Not-So-Antique Roadshow
Shaggy's Ass-Numbing Nonstop Hangover
Flight of the Shag Show
Shaggy's Chunderstruck BAC Tour
Shaggy's Mother Jeeping Tour
Shaggy Bob's Frak'in Barhopping Boobfesti-ma'kation
Shagz Von Drank'in Boots in Your Sheets
ShaggyBob's Moving Magical Mystery Vomitorium

As well as Vehicle names:

The Accomodator
Job's Beep
The Urban Desert Dog
C cubed = Commando Case Carrier
North American Scum
Blow Me Where Thee Pants Is
My Other Ride's Your Mom
Stealthy McGee
Blu Monstu
Cousin Kletus

I have to say that someone snuck a goddamn art history reference in there and I couldn't pass up naming my new ride after one of my fav. Renaissance Artists !Kudos!

Monday, September 1, 2008

County Fairs

It's been County Fair season for sometime now and the summer is coming to a close. A number of times on our opinion page there have been letters to the editor that concern the ethical treatment of animals. Most recently an article from a PETA lady that spells out her disdain for the County Fair Pig Races. You know the races that pit little squeeling piglets in a heated race for the always coveted prize of an entire Oreo cookie. She mentioned the stresses of getting said Oreo with the multitude of screaming fans, the smells of cotton candy and deep fried goodness, the laughter, and poorly maintained race track of freshly strewn hay. WTF It's a pig, for all intents and purposes that Oreo is a bigger payoff than the stresses endured. Free roaming feril swine never get to taste of Oreo. And besides... I'm not saying"this lady is a zealot or anything by any means, but I would venture a guess that she's wearing a leather belt or shoes." And further more, these little pigglie wigglies are keeping fit, exercising, learning a valuable lesson in competition and making themselves better in the long run for the olympic gold in my book. If of course you follow my thinking and a gold medal is substituted for Ye Olde North Country Applewood Smoked Bacon $8.59/lb. Mmmmmm Bacon. The lady also mentions that Orangutans get frustrated that they can't build comfortable nests out of branches high up in trees should they live in Zoos. Whether or not she's actually tried to sleep in a bunch of branches; and finds it comfortable firsthand, is still up in the air / or tree if you prefer. That orcas don't get a kick out of flipping through the air a bunch of times a day to be hand fed by the humanthings they've trained so well. Back flip? or chase a school of Freakin fish around? Shamu ain't a retarded whale. PETA lady in Furburger VA. If you cut down a tree instead of hugging it your can cook up some of this.

Labor Day

Happy Labor Day all yoos who have BBQ'ed food in your faces. People who had the parade watchin, beer drank'n-ist hootinanny of a great day. I felt it best to celebrate the Labor Day with, well..... Labor. I'm going to work inside to make sure that you all have excess oxygen outside to do what you need to do with your day off. Enjoy compliments of ShaggyBob.

I'm wearing pants. Hah who's the big winner now?