Friday, December 28, 2007

YUp


I want to drink from this glass and not fall over....

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Missing Man Formation

For you, you poor wretched lost souls............



Or...........



and then.........




(Choral Singing in the background=>) AH Haaah HA, Hah hhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaa BReeeaaaaaadddddah!

And the Lorde hath said unto you ,your breadlessness is forgiven by thy fellow man, yet in thine own soul it weighs like pumperknickel thrown forth from the great Satan himself... purge the demon, reach high for your salvation, and let the HEAVE be the path to a breader existance on His earth.

"Tremens factus sum ego, et timeo, dum discussio
venerit atque ventura ira."

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Work'in in 3-B

3-Beers and it looks good, eh! I should have cocktail hour prior to heading to work everyday..skip out for dinner, have a few more, and then come back to finish off the rest of a flask. It sure does make the evening fly by faster than festering sans the booze. Merry Xmas!

Monday, December 24, 2007

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by a can opener that broke midway around the can: the word Chimp-o-riffic,(chimp-O-ri-fik) adj. used to describe any action that a human does that requires only the basic knowledge that a chimpanzee can make simple tools and apply them to a situation. ex. "I macgyvered this chimp-o-riffic can opener using a butter knife, empty oversized can, a rubberband and the basic principles of physics/leverage to open a slightly smaller can of soup today" and the number, fuck yeah simple tools I had Sooooop. (flailing my arms and banging my red shiny hockey helmet)

Add soup to a shredded pulled turkey sandwich with cranberry-apple-chutney-onaise, three cheeses and bacon on 12 grain and it's a Merry F-in Xmas to me here at work to say the least. It's toasted!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

The Mal-wart fortunes

Some people don't like Wal-Mart, some people think it should be run out of existance. I think of it in a different light. They provide jobs to people that would otherwise be left in the dark, they sell on the cheap, they always have stock, and where else are you going to see the real "winners" in society at 3am? Wally-world!

I also have applied to become part of the team which will be moving into the; yet to be constructed, Crystal Bridges Art Museum. They are looking for a "dynamic individual" (with my entire skill-set included). The thing that would make some people cringe at the opportunity of me getting a new job are the ones who hate Wally-World. The museum is slated to open in 2010, it'll have a gianormous collection of American art, provide traveling exhibition spaces, have a theatre and conference facilities, performing art spaces inside and out, a comprehensive sculpture garden, museum store, eatery, and bring big time art to rural North Western Ark.

The benefactors, purchasing some well known pieces from all over the country and the holders of the existing permanent collection are the Waltons (Walmart founders) The home base for wally-world is just down the road. Me.. I don't care. If I can buy socks, a TV and a 1lb bag of coffee and a fresh bagel all at the same place, and they indirectly give me a job opportunity, I'm in "I support wally-world"

Wally for president.

Most Impressive

I just returned from a great Holiday at the funnyfarm, the Xmas celebration and dinner were quite good. I got to stop in and play a little hide-and-seek with the Lil Mac, ate way too much food, ruined my sleeping habits/ eating schedule, got the frankensteiner back to functional, received a Shiiteton of Canvas and gesso type spoils with which to create unknown/neverseen/completely anonymous masterpieces that will never grace the walls of any gallery space and generally had a stellar weekend. (I also had the opp. to watch some television, that thing is like crack without the itching and random dealer hummers.) I'm just sayin' after three years of not having the cable it may be time to hop on the wagon and fry my brain again, gain some ass fat and eat mass quantities of chips and dip. I returned to the Oasis and had packages waiting at my door from SC, thank you!!!

There's just a few days remaining until the Big Bash...I'll be working right up until I leave after running the Show here at the Gaz on Friday eve/Sat morning, dependant on the the amount of time it takes to screw the pooch... I should be taking to the skies and bringing the Rolling Thunder to Vinnie's place ETA (between 5am and 7am) just in time to wake-n-beer the masses and peer pressure the monkeys into having Bloody Marys. "Bloody Buddy"

Friday, December 21, 2007

ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment

The Spears clan are a bunch of whores. Although from the snipits of tabloid garbage I've been exposed to, I find it better that the younger of the two harlets actually still has a man with a real job. Now if; you're an underage young lady and, you decide to engage in the practice of pre-marital sex ( I guess when you marry your cousins at a young age down in the south it don't matter none) make sure that your choice in men comes from the employed variety even if you happen to be a celebritard.

The newest oops was helped along by a 19yr old.....

....wait for it, .......WAIT FOR IT!...... HE LAYS PIPE!!! NO Joke. ZIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiNG! "yup, heeeee's a, pipe-layer"

It's a Pipe Laying / Po-Po-Zow baby batter slingin' good time with the Spears ladies.

Shaggy Bob's Self Help hint of the Moment=> should you choose to hook up with any of the Spears spawn use a prophylactic. For you gentlemen out there that wear a red shiny hockey helmet a prophylactic is not a digestive issue with regard to milk and or milk by-product consumption. "It's a Condom", wrap your: Russell The One-Eyed Wonder Muscle, Gristle Missle, Pumping Pole of Penile Power, Thunder-Donkey, Harry & the Hendersons, Granite Edifice, One-Eyed Fred, Dip Stick, Piss Pump, Meat Wrench, Nightcrawler, Blue-veined Junket Pumper, Love Pump, Richard and the Twins, One Eyed Wonder Weasel, Ralph The Fur Faced Chicken, Tobias the Cheeky Monkey, Johnson, Trouser Snake, Tool, Thrill Drill, Sex Pistol, Pocket Rocket, One Hole Friction Whistle, The Pink Oboe, Purple-Helmeted Warrior, Purple-Helmeted Yogurt Thrower, Trouser Trout, Vlad The Impaler.

It's been a crazy week and my weekend is finally starting, give me a lil bit of a break for that post.

A new Flyer is on the horizon, keep your eyes glued to the screen......... back on Sunday

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Resume` of WTF

I took sometime today to look back at the career of the Shagzster to see just when and where I may have gone wrong with choices of employment and to chart the path of my career. It's sad and a little impressive to me.
so without further hesitation here is the most complete listing I can remember.

Nursing Home Kitchen Attendent
Dishwasher
Waiter
Landscaper
Lift rat
Parking Security Attendant
Phone room solicitor
Studio assistant
Beverage center /bottle counter/keg carrier
Prep-cook
Scenic chairlift ride attendant
DPW lawnmower
Fraternity Cook
Band Roadie/ Photographer for the Knoa
Camp Councelor
Photography Head-specialist
Group Leader
Trek Leader
Wilderness Paramedic
Gallery Attendant
Slide Librarian
Bartender
Guest Lodge Reservationist
University Musuem, Preparator/Registrar
Gallery Practices/Museum Studies Instructor
Exhibition Coordinator
Registrar
Preparator
Volunteer Coordinator
Interm Curator
Contractor Services Associate
Graphic Designer
Editor
Pre-Press Production Assistant
Photo Editor
Paginator
All Around Swell Guy

Somewhere in there I managed to pick up degrees in Studio Art, Art History, Museum Studies, and Art Education.
I also got my Brigadier General collar Stars in Imbibination/Party Animal/Slime Ballery.

My dating list follows the same plan...with hitches up to and including 4-5yrs.

With my current situation I had hoped that ecclecticism wouldn't play a part, but the last five listings definitely prove me wrong. Here is how I percieve it as a hinderance.

A professional baseball team has players that they call "utility players" a guy that can cover any number of positions should the main guy (ex. First Baseman) get registered on the Damaged List. This utility player isn't gauranteed a starting spot, can't bat regularly in every game, and as a result not only does his batting average suffer, but he doesn't get the mega-millions a star player would receive. When it comes time to hop on the free agent list, said utility player doesn't command enough pull to warrant a much larger salary, he'll be traded to another team for a pittance doing what he's been labeled to be "a utility guy". Although I have an ever increasing bag of tricks, I haven't been able ot secure a spot as that First Baseman, I was there a couple of times, but then had more and more responsibilities lumped onto the existing position so that focusing my energy on one aspect became futile.

As far as getting back to the Museum Aspect of my career, being that Utility guy scares venues away from picking me up. I've intarveewed at no less than 70 Intitutions in the last 5yrs: most of those situations involved multiple visits, calls, and sitdowns, with a good few leaving me "the Utility player" that was second in line behind Mr/Mrs. 1ST Base. Given the fact that 8 different Museum Job websites are searching across the globe for me...doesn't mean that there are hundreds or even thousands of opportunities. Last count in the US alone there were 45 listings, subtract the number that require 5-7 plus years(exp) of focused job skills and the Executive Director listings and the remainder is 7. 4 of those have already called me and decided on another candidate. 3 are waiting to send the rejection letter in the mail. Me...I'm waiting for the next round of viable listings.

Until then I Utilitize myself as Vampire Slug No. #7 here at the Big Show.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment

When cooking a Delicious DiGiorno, "It's not delivery" rising crust pizza. It is inadvisable to make a phone call at the 20 minute mark should you enjoy the conversations with the personal you are calling. After an extended duration of post recommended baking time the pizza will spontaneously combust. Take into account that flaming pizza isn't that hard to extinguish, it's fairly simple. There are a number of options. A.) give it a shower, B.) spray it in the sink C.) Hoss it out a window, D.) throw it out the nearest 2nd floor sliding glass door into the snow, E.) Suffocate it with tinfoil.

I also wouldn't recommend trying said pizza after it's charring. The pepperoni will taste like burnt coffee. ( you may be asking why in the hell did I try to eat it?) The answer is simple, everyone would. It's not a char thing, it's a waste thing...everyone would at least take a little lick to make sure that they weren't throwing away a viable option for sustinance. Afterall...a little redhot may help it back to life.

Self help hint of the moment. "watch yer pizza ya damn fool, watch it...watch it cook"

That is all, move along.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

The Break down

Time percentages for a 50 week work year.

Graphic Designer gets hired to do graphic design work. 100% of the time.
Graphic Designer is told that 50% of the time he'll be doing Pre-press production.
Graphic Designer is told to Edit, Comics, Weather, Puzzles and Tone Photos 20% of his time
Graphic designer becomes the end all beat all Utility player and is loaded with Paginator responsibilities 20% of his time.

Graphic designer is now doing graphic design about 10% of the time he's working......

Wonder why they hired a graphic designer? Me Too!

And if you got a warm fuzzy feeling when you saw PAGINATOR.... the position doesn't have any futuristic weapons, body armor, or super powers...I can't kick Chuck Norris in the yam bag and get away with it.

Sucktitude Factor jumps by exponentially lethal denominations on it's way to critical mass.

My mood....... Meat the Fuzzy Bunnies


...Awe!?


...and MMmmmmm

Great News everybody!!!

As per the new position at the Gaz, I will work ??? 6 hr shifts, ??? 8hr shifts, or it could be ???12hr shifts, I may have to start at 3pm, or perhaps 6pm. They might even throw a 5'er in there. And it all boils down to what ever the hell they decide. SO, I may have a 3 or 4 day weekend, I may have to work weekends, I might just work my regular schedule,"the one I've grown accustomed to for the last 2 yrs". At least I know that it'll be at night, cuz fuck daylight, I'd rather work a Friday around Happy hour and Saturday night anytime. Never have anything to do then, nothing ever......

My computer keys and the room are rank with the smell of sarcasm, disdain, and lamenting abhorance. I'd love to post more, but I have to work tommorrow at a different strange time and I may, or ..........may not have a few extra hours to kill. This week it all depends on when they need me the next day.




I've pulled the pin and I'll let this sucker cook off for a lil bit before I toss it.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

WWWHOA

Miss Kate, Willem, Jacob and Emily thankyou for a fantastic evening up yonder in what is now the snow belt of death. I had tons of fun. Slim's was awesome, until Gremlin mcSketchy rained on the parade. I'm sure that Willem can agree with me here in saying that there's something magical about gianormous circus boobs and their progression with each additional beverage/bar, and shift change. "Circus Boobs"

As expected, the weekend was an adventure, Nor'easters can indeed suck it. After getting my keys out of the truck where I conveniently locked them Friday evening I headed off to see J and B, they've just purchased a couple of cabins on a good sized plot of land. When I first tried to locate their new digs, I didn't understand that they do live in the midde of Nowhere NH. If you are driving on RTe 202 it's just a 45minute drive from East BahJesus Junction, turn at the logging trail, signal an SOS with your horn launch a flare and then keep going just a bit farther. Had some great foods and some bevvies. Thank you as well for the hospitality, and the circus boobs in Concord. This is where it gets a little strange.

I made up my mind in a pretty rapid manner that I wanted to beat the "Storm" home so I loaded up the frankensteiner and left J & B's place at about 2am. I'm a vampire..no big deal, usually I make better time in the wee hours of the night. Not so much this time around. The Nor'easter was earlier than expected, and the weather reports I was judging my flight on were skewed. I had been under the impression that 6am was the kickoff. Had that been the case I would have made it home prior to the real nasty stuff. I; of course, was mistaken and at 2:00:12 am I began what was to become my extended 12hr sojourn back to the Oasis. I managed to get lost a bunch of times, it really wasn't my fault everything was white. I won't bore you with details, Although I do realize why people say they're shattered tired now. A little nap every 30hrs or so is a hum-ding'er of a great way to spend some quality time searching your eyelids for holes. By the time I reached my place it was just after nooner. I couldn't see straight, think straight, and My body wanted to shut down, so I napped a few hours and then meandered in to the office for a long evening.

It probably wasn't the brightest idea to leave a nice warm cabin at 2am to bomb through a snowstorm.

I can't think, I'll have o continue the post at another time.

HAPPY B-DAY lil Mac!!

Friday, December 14, 2007

On the 'Morrow

I'll see you in about 16hrs Miss Kate, Willem and Fam. I'll shoot you a call while enroute to see if you need anything and/or if I run into any unforseen bru-haha.

Jenn, give me ring, let me know what I'll be bringing sat. for dinner and drinks.

Lil Mac, Kristi, and D, I'll see you on Sunday prior to heading in to do my Gazetteering.

Keene NH You don't scare me, and Nor'easters can suck it.
VrooooooooOOOOOM!!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Never be.....

I will never be a professional gift wrapper, it's not my bag, gift bag if you will.... It's not that I don't want to be...it's just that I severely fall short of the of the standards/protocal requirements for making gift packages look presentable for the masses. I can honestly say that should you receive a gift from me this holiday season, and it's in professional grade "wrapping paper" It will be ghetto wrapped, expect duct tape and packing tape, as well as portions of the "paper" that have had tape mistakenly attached and torn off leaving a blank spot to add to the motley continuity of ghettoness.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

SHAGGY BOB's FUNTRUCK BOOZE CRUZ

Here's a brand new flyer for the upcoming adventure. (where it leads, I do no know, but chances are that the storm will have me using comp, sick, and Vacation time on the return home. AHhhhh HAHHAAAHHAHA.....hahahhahaha. ha ha uhhhhhh)




I had thought about adding "Live Free or Freeze Your Eggs" but didn't think everyone would catch what I was throwin'" Get it, your eggs...as in "the BOYS", "yer STONES", "The frank and BEANS", "the twig and BERRIES", "the other BRAIN", ...feel free to add any tacky childish name you have for your testicles after the beep.

The Quick Turn

It stands to reason that a person of my age would know better when it comes to food stuffs. But alas sometimes we intelligent people go against all that is in our better judgement.

Hence the Quick Turn:

I had the option of mailing and or dropping off; by hand, the final estimate for truck repairs to the Screwheads. I chose the latter. After my triumphant last rant session I decided that I wanted to celebrate with a couple of burritos. I enjoy hot spicy foodstuffs (While in college, our fraternity house was under the impression that redhot and other capt'n insano hotsauces were a distinct food group) I made the burritos slathered with Endorphin Rush (it's just hot enough to be on the cusp of a fight or flight response) straight out of my personal stash of gut rot goodness and enjoyed my meal. Mastication and Esophagial (sp) aspects aside I "thoroughly enjoyed the lunch."

As with most people when they eat their gastrointestinal processes get triggered and the food slowly makes its rounds. Along with my burritos I had a few cups of coffee, a regular addition to lunchtime meals considering my sleeping habits. Prior to heading to work I had to whiz. Mid-stream I experienced a gutteral thunderboomer. I'm going out on a limb and focusing on the male aspect here "it's happened to us all". If you're a woman the experience should be different. If it's not you're doing it all wrong by all guesstimation. I almost immediately had to "Quick Turn". Had I not..... there would have been a serious clean up in aisle #2. Wheeling around like ninja I planted firmly and held on. This is why I can infer that if a woman experiences a Quick Turn they're doing it all wrong. [that's the short version]

I have yet to completely define Quick Turn for Merriam-Webster but I do believe it should be available for the entire population to read up on. SO there you have it: Quick Turn: (kwik-tern) n. 1. The inevitable whiz-to-sit, due to explosive lower gastrointestinal exedus following ingestion of nuclear hot food stuffs.

Tah DAAH

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Conflagration



500 Gallons of liquified Gorilla dung sprayed through a fire hose wouldn't be good enough for some people to take in the face right now. Seriously, My zippo has a new flint and I'm pissin' gasoline, watch your feet.

Somedays it doesn't pay to get out of bed prior to 2pm I swear. Wishing you a very happy holiday, since mine is apparently F-in cancelled. Put on your shades everybody and look toward Eastern NY.




.....and just like that, an oreo cookie changes everything. huh!?

Cruz'in

Shaggy: It's 257 miles to Rochester, I got a full tanks of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and I'm wearing sunglasses.
Bob: Friday.....Hit it.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Indecision

After posting that I may once again be able to hit the road and have made tentative plans to carry out. I find myself questioning my resolve.

The Funtruck isn't at 100%, the brakes are still al little soft an can't be worked on until I return to G-ville for the holidays.
It's by no means unsafe to drive, and I'm positive that I can stop the beast if need be, but I'm constantly white knuckled and thinking that at any point my tires will all fall off and I'll shower sparks down the highway, flip, roll and that I'll make a grand exedus from the vehicle by way of ninja, landing on my feet involuntarily screaming TAaaa Dah, whilst taking a bow. My plans this weekend will have me traveling through the mountainous regions of VT and NH definitely out of cel service and chances are that the weather won't cooperate. SO I'm torn.

My boys say "just go ahead and do it testosterone monkey", my mind says "what if "!? ( who would have thought that a little technical disuption in the proper working of a vehicle could generate such feelings)

One of my projected stops is kind of blind, I'm not to sure they'll be around, the second stop is on the return, and the third is Lil Mac's B-day celebration. If I should decide that it's not a great option to put the Funtruck out there for potential damage, I'll limit my travels to Togatown and the lil lady. (the choice is weighing on me. I really would like to see the all folks prior to the holiday and spread a bit of ShaggyBob cheer)

As much as I enjoy sitting in around the Oasis all by my lonesome I never have a feeling of accomplishment after such a weekend. Flip flop, flip flop.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

ShaggyBob's Funtruck


I'm thinking that I want to see this in person on Friday, covered in snow, while warmed by some spirits. Busy weekend for the funtruck should the repairs not be in the cards right away. I'll be traveling to Rochester NH, Concord NH, and ending my weekend with the the Lil Mac to celebrate the big 2.0. should be good times. Hopefully between now and Friday plans won't change.

Todays Randomness is brought to you by, yet another ruined set of pants by way of 2mm aluminum plate of death, the word limpid • \LIM-pid\ • adjective 1 *a : marked by transparency : pellucid b : clear and simple in style 2 : absolutely serene and untroubled. And the number 4. (total pants ruined by said plates).

No stitches.........

Friday and the end of weekness

It had shaped up to be just another boring weekend at the Oasis, until my bonus checked arrived via rubberband man at work on Thursday. Since I had a bit o extra cash burning a hole in my wallet I decided that a trip to outlet/mall/wastemoneyville was in order. Friday morning I awoke to the usual alarm clock flinging that only gets the clock far enough out of my reach on it's cord tether that I had to get up and turn it off. 10am...wicked "need more coffee than usual early". I traveled to the Comic Depot in Greenville Center NY, followed by a short trip to the Wilton Mall. D was at the shop and I was able to chat for a few hours, ad the mall went swimmingly despite the chaos, and I go all of my holiday shopping finished with relatively no pain what so ever. As I was leaving the Toga, passed Lowe's... I decide to see if the Waldo was working, he was. It was the end of his shift so we ventured to have a few beers before I had to head back toward the 'dirt.

When I returned home I tried valiantly to wrap all the goodies, I'm poor at this wrapping paper stuff. SO, what would any red blooded american do faced with such a daunting task? Yup, my thoughts exactly, add 20 or so oat sodas and the process should get easier right? I now have holiday gifts balled up in lime green paper surrounded by copious amounts of packing, duct, and scotch tapes. Half the fun is watching someone when they open a gift that you've thought long and hard over, the perfect little something to brighten their day. I get to watch this in super slo-motion with a healthy sound track. (Good luck to anyone that gets into the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop in less than 20minutes.)

Saturday had me nursing a pretty healthy bout of the day afterness, but I managed to spend a shiite ton of cash at the grocery store restocking the shelves in my pantry for the inevitable Frankensteiner break down that puts my bank account in the red again. I watched the complete Lord of the Rings trilogy, and basically festered.

Sunday afternooner I was visited by Vinnie Bag O' Donuts and we powered down a turkey bird prior to me heading to work.... I'm turkeyed out, sitting infront of my computer and ready for a nap. Over all I give the weeeknd a 6 out of 10, plus 2 for running into a bunch of folks that I don't see on a regular basis. 8 out of 10 ain't half bad if you ask me. Strippers would have put it over the top, but I gave that idea the slip once I opened the first beverage.

This week should be less crazy, we'll see what's what when it gets to it.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Would you like to play...a....game?



Every thing electronic that I touched....scratch that, everything having to do with the technological inovations of man that I came in contact with this evening, sputtered and fell apart, quit, froze, made hissing noises and shot hydrolic fluid and or, generally didn't respond to the stimuli I decided to press upon them.

The main frame, went down as soon as I walked into the building, the harris system fried while I was working on the Obituary reports and page (If you have never seen a really sad/irate person, try telling someone that the obituary for their loved one that just cost them 3g's is not going to run in the paper due to a computer glitch). The Olive program shorted and replaced the last two weeks of Paper online with information from 2003. The H System eventually came back online, but that didn't deter the JazBox, or the OSX systems from following suit. Each work station I sat in, whether I touched the keyboard or just looked at the screen had a catastrophic meltdown. FX-1 our bread and butter Neg to Plate exchanger blew a hydrolic line. And the bump door "just a lil bump of light to warm up the scum onthe plate for burning"...wouldn't open and fried all the plates. The Frankensteiners radio fritzed and then came back on. I'm glad I don't wear a wrist watch on my junk...I'd be childless for ever. BBzzzzzzz no swimmers?


Half empty you ask...hell no, My fuzzy white ass is off for the weekend. Peace!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Weights

I've found that I'm becoming more and more predisposed to worrying too much. I grind my teeth in my sleep, fret ungodly amounts and generally take things too seriously. When the hell did that happen? I used to be pretty mellow, laid back and nothing seemed to get to me. Now not so much.

It's time to re-assess, and get back to the norm for this guy. Tommorrow I start with a fluffernutter sandwich w/grape jam for breakfast and go from there.

Of course a Holiday bonus check never hurts and the fact that the grease monkeys are paying for all the frankensteiner damage helps out as well.

VOTING ENABLED

In light of recent events, I've once again decided it might be in my best interest to search for a new vehicle. I do have the Funtruck back in my posesssion now, and other than a bit of softness in its braking ability Frank should be good to go for another run at breaking down for good.

I'm looking at a few choices and welcome the input.

Rubicon Unlimited?

Rubicon?

FJ Cruiser?

Subaru Forester?


Stick with my main man, the one that got me from A top B for the last 4yrs?
THE Frankensteiner

Obviously the steadfast factors of price and other nonsense apply.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Frosting

The truck is still impounded at the G-ville repair shop. I'm coming down with a cold (apparently the old drink enough gin to be pickled trick for killing any virus is null and void) and the frosting comes to you directly from the Workplace.
Last evening I was joking with my supervisor, and he qiuped that I would be running the show today. Har dee har har har. I chuckled knowing full well that I'm neither prepared nor and I able to do the specicif jobs in a timely and uber correct manner yet. (mostly due to the fact that the Handbook for proper operating procedures and the indexed section for trouble shooting is, well, non-existant) Official training=> nope. Learned the position while i was performing my other duties putting in extra hours for ridiculosity. I have notes scribbled on index cards and post-it notes outlining everything that the position requires. It's like I was studying for an Art History test on Cimabue, and other Early Italian Renaissance painters, only I don't give a flying fuck about the subject matter here as a Gazeteer.

I arrived at work early to check the old email and realized that the old man wasn't kidding around. Tonight is the first night that I'm ultimately responsible for the only product that the company produces. Three editions of newspaper that has a deadline of 2400 hrs. More pay to pad the wallet, not so much.... still looking for a job that follows it's job description as stated when hired you bet your ass. So this evening while running the show and paginating the paper, uploading all info to the website, and generally being a superfly TnT pissed of Mofo, I get to continue to do my other assigned responsibilities. I'll be spending free time away from the servers and 8 other systems to complete the 3hrs of editing for thecomics and puzzles that need to be done, toning photos and designing advertisements for paying customers that aren't going to get my full attention.

I've already blasted through 6hrs of overtime this week, and was notified that I have to take the time in comp hours WTF is that shiite.

Happy Holidays everyone... I'm half empty right now, and that glass needs to be filled at somepoint. Maybe it's time to test the mettle, and get some bubbling done on my dinner break.

Addendum: I've gotten word on the Frankensteiner and not only did I dodge the bullet by way of some serious stunt driving, I only got whacked for a grand worth of damage. Yeah only 1000bones worth of Screwhead making my ride a hunk of more disgruntled junk. Thanks for balancing my tires!!!

Monday, December 3, 2007

Apple a day


I ran across this picture of a 101yr old woman voting in "someplace" Russia. She actually made it on A1 of our publication. I believe for some Putin related issue or something. My first thought was she looks familiar, I believe I've seen her twin sister somewhere. SO being the super sleuth that I am I hit up the ye olde Intarwebb for a bit of help and found what I was looking for. DO NOT under any circumstances buy apples from this woman. Sweet sweet, deliciouuuuus apples, just have one bite and .........





Sunday, December 2, 2007

....THAT's IT! I call Super Bullshit

I was correct with one aspect of my Friday last week....Tequila is badnews after working the night shift. Agave and eggs is just as terrible as it sounds, and smells even worse.

The Funtruck is officially set to be poked and prodded by the garage back in G-ville, at least I trust the folks up there. I think the majority of my anger stems from only a few basic points. 1.) I have 6 payments left B.) I was performing an unnecessary make the truck feel good service that ended in a three wheeler. Gamma.) Chances are that it'll be costing me an arm at least possibly a leg as well to fix the damage that the incident caused. 9'er) I can't take a nap and it won't fix itself.

If I can eventually drive the vehicle again, I'll definitely be driving it into the ground. I had considered trading it in, but now with the impending repairs I think it'll put the old guy over the edge and make it pretty damn worthless. 6 payments away.... now, if I buy a new ride, it'll be setting me back to the stone age. "I'd say why me why now? but I know better...my last visit to the dentist I didn't have to have any work done and the cogs and sprockets of the world started to slow, creating massive tidal shifts and tsunamis on the other side of the planet. Paktar the Indian goat herder just had a similar incident and his first ever visit to the dentist was a perfect bill of health (my truck fell apart) stupid goat herders with great teeth.

Friday is the first pagination day for me, so I have to get back to work and finish creating the Officially unofficial gazette handbook for pagination goodness, (I'm going to build a bridge for the next poor schmoe that comes along and is pushed to the edge)

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Emotive

After a weekend of the funnyfarm in G-ville with the fam, and one evening at work I traveled to liverpool NY to help my friend McG pack up his life to move to SC.
~Throughout my life barring the time I spent in Montana, this gentleman and I haven't really lived beyond a 3 hours distance since I believe 1980. We played Little league, ran on the same cross country team, completed in both indoor and outdoor track, attended the same University (sort of), Ended up in the same Fraternity, I was the Best Man at his wedding to Miss Val, for the last few years I've been Uncle Bob to his two beautiful daughters. SC..... that's not close, and although I see a 12hr drive better as a 1 1/2hr flight... I'm saddened by the loss. This bastard is the strongest character I've EVER known. The definition of Quality Friend/Human being. I'm sure their family will be happier down in Greenville, but any "random" visits by Uncle Bob can't happen and aren't even a feasable option. Sad (check)

I wish them all the best and know that once the girls and Miss Val arrive tomorrow via air travel that everything will be right as rain and they'll no doubt grab that state by the short and curlies and make it bow down to it's new monarchs.

48hrs, 4br house, one 26ft moving truck....6hrs of sleep, truck loaded and new life on tap comin'. Standard TEP reimbursement, beers and Bar-B-Que. sweetness!

I left 'Cuse at nooner for the 2hr drive home and was hoping to catch a power nap prior to venturing into work Wed. evening. 1hr and 55minutes into my return trip, 200yds from the exit ramp, the back of my truck shimmied, I pulled onto the off ramp, and the truck had a seizure, it cavitated violently, and frightened me. (it's never frightened me before) by the time I was able to double foot the brake and hit my hazard lights I was passed by my left rear tire...(It fuckin rolled past my skidding truck) Did it see the future? or was it just in a hurry. I was in view of the toll plaza. [backstory: Last Tuesday prior to the turkey day festivities I brought the funtruck to get serviced, tires rotated, aligned, balanced, all the little non-intrusive preventative maintenance that a vehicle should need before the winter.] No more that 7hrs "driving time later" a goddamn tire fell off. Superfly TnT pissed off (check)

AAA coverage works on surface roads but state highways such as the NYS Thruway have private contractors for towing. An Hour after my "WTF" call (I was 5miles from my apartment) a wrecker showed up to flatbed my truck off the Thruway. He had to bring the vehicle to his homebase we backtracked 20miles, and he unloaded the truck. I then had to get another wrecker to travel the 20miles to pick up my truck and bring it to the F-in screwheads that warranty their stellar workmanship. Short version=4hrs later I was staring at the grease monkey that rotated my tires 7days previous. I'm not an angry man, I'm not a violent man, I'm not an irrational man. I kindly asked that they put the truck up on a lift and get their asses in gear repairing the fuck-up that they made. The lug nuts weren't torqued correctly for my truck and they supprisingly took 7hrs of driving to all pop loose in the span of 3 harrowing minutes. [aside: had I been driving 65mph when this little incident occurred, you would all have the pleasure of imagining this blog entry postmortum] barrel rolling my vehicle is far from the top 100 things I need/plan/or want to do prior to peacing out at the ripe old age of 62yrs old.] dumbfounded (check)

within 2hrs: I said so-long to my best friend, and had a brush with death. Scared w/soiled underoos(check)

They worked on my truck and had it back to me this afternoon, saying that all was good to go. "I believe'd that just about as far as I can throw my truck, and I hadn't had my bowl of gamma radiated fuckin wheaties". I don't really trust the shit this jackhole was slingin'. Their manager said something to the effect of "I've never seen that happen before, maybe "you......" I stopped being the kind, respectable, level headed, polite rational person that I am at "y". (the following conversation is an abridged version minus the chair flying in the waiting area of the Shiite hole garage. In attendence ME= yours truly, DH= the fucktard that did the work on my truck last Tuesday, and SAB=manager ShitAssBitch.)
SAB: I've never seen that happen before, maybe y.....
ME: Seriously!?..... Are you implying that I've tried to commit suicide by missing lugnut?, or did the Lugnut fairie wave her little glittery magic wand and make them dis-a-f*ck-in-pear?
SAB: It's not that I'm accusing you of...
ME: What the F are you saying then.
(DH enters) I wasn't the only person to work on your truck that visit, I'm not sure who put the truck back together
ME:???????? Explicatives galore.... Your name is on the workorder, what do you mean" not sure who put the truck back together"?
SAB: Don't get in his face
DH: I'm not sure, it could have been anyone
ME: YOUR Garage is responsible for a catastrophic bumble F*ck that could have cause my death (said with a bit of spittle that probably looked like a milk mustache or on par with a rabid 4 balled wolverine hovering over the carcass of a dead doe) And you don't know who worked on it?
SAB: Bob, it could be the bolts and lugs from your truck...they're different than a normal......
ME: We're past that friendly Bob bullshiiite. You'll address me as MR. ROBERT J. IVES.
SAB: sir, I would appreciate you calming down...
ME: Is this place a garage that works primarily on brakes and mufflers?
SAB: yes sir
ME: WTF is the first and last step of each and every brake job you complete in this dump..... hint It involves taking off and putting tires back on the fuckin cars, you mean to tell me that the apes under your employ are incapable of replacing the lugnuts of a Toyota Tacoma? It's a pretty rare automobile isn't it??
SAB: sir, calm down
DH: I know they're (the lugnuts) manufactured different
ME: WhyTF didn't you do it properly snapperhead?
SAB: Sir....
ME: IS MY VEHICLE DRIVEable?
SAB: yes
ME: Send the work order for the shit you did to my home address registered mail, the body shop I've contacted will fax you a copy of the estimate that you will be paying directly to them, separately when my home garage finishes the repairs to my truck, you'll receive a bill from them : for towing expenses, parts and labor.
SAB: we don't have to......
ME: Have a great F-in Holiday Assclown!
(Shaggy Bob gets in truck, drives to curb presses brakes and they hit the floor, )
(Shaggy Bob returns to shop)
ME: Brakes are little soft to not working~!@#%*&^$$@#!#$^@^. "EXPLICATIVES!!!!<=with 4exclamationpoints"(oh yeah, it was that ridiculous)
SAB: Bob it'll have to wait.
ME...empty that bay (points=>) and it's MR..... "Asshole" (I chuckled to myself a bit on that one)
(Shaggy Bob removes folding chair from truck and sets it up with an overwatch view of garage bay)
(SAB dumbfounded look)
ME: Get it done!
(DH gets the truck into newly emptied bay and ShaggyBob watches both DH and SAB tinker around with the now and perpetually messed up Piece of Shit I call my pride and joy the Frankensteiner)
SAB: that should do it.
ME: Registered mail asshole tommorrow afternoon..... (over shoulder) They gonna stay on this time?
(Shaggy Bob gets in truck, drives to curb presses brakes and they =>catch AND => stop the vehicle with "at least a 1/2inch to spare" before being completely pinned to the floor). Nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr F those guys.

ME (to the poor mutt looking in his rearview and or, my windshield as we drive in the same direction toward my Oasis) Man I hate fuckin lawyers, goddamn it I hate lawyers..... WTF are you lookin at? fuck you to Mr. driving the same direction as me guy... fuck you!

It took me a few hours to stop fuming. In fact, as liberating as it felt at the time I won't be completely satisfied until I can have the home garage look at the truck and fix the problems that were most likely overlooked when they rushed to get it back to me.

I fully planned on using vacation days to help Mr. McG out cuz that's what brothers do, they're there for eachother. nostalgic reverie (check)

I didn't plan on burning my last vacation day of the year and comp hours on slapnuts and his crew of wayward monkey fuckers. Disappointment (check)

Shaggy Bob's Funtruck "whatever" Cruz is again on hold. Saturday evening D, Kristi and the Lil Mac ( http://www.comicdepotllc.com/kristi/ ) are going to join me for dinner at the Oasis I can't wait. There's a possibility of a Gonzo appearance as well.

Emotive you bet... the ups and downs of life are easily mellowed to a static malaize with just a tad too much Cuervo 1800. (looks like I have my Friday morning planned too, at least until 9am that is...then maybe I'll catch a few hours of sleep). headache and upset stomach (check)

If you see a naked man that looks suspiciously like the Jesus w/tv dinner below.... running down any streets in Glenvilliski honk, say hello...... I'll wave my wangdoodle at ya.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Happy Belated 1st B-day

Jesus Tap Dancin' Christ.... I missed it. "....and other things not-so-holy" turned 1yr old on November 14th. I guess in my haste (read=> intense enthusiasm) to be the best damned employee evar at the Gazette I completely overlooked a finer, more important thing in life. That will never happen again I can tell you.

....SO! Happy Yubiwaza ....and other things not-so-holy!


Turkey Day

So here I sit munching away on leftovers with the mane flowing in the artificially heated stench that is my office space. Mmmmmm leftovers. I have enough left over goodness to dispell rumor about me chopping off the mop. Granted I'm really just looking for an excuse. I can't force myself to specifically go to a chopshop just for a trim.

I realized once again that family is family and no matter how mundane or confusing it becomes at the homestead it's fun to be there.... for a limited time. In fact, I've found that I have a threshold for the funnyfarm. I can be in close proximity to the 'rents for just over 48hrs before I get the urge to conflagrate. The first 24hrs it's novel to hear stories and get the info about random phone calls to relatives across the country. After the first 24..... and the 5th time I've heard said stories of lore, it starts wearing me down. 36hrs....I begin to get agitated at the small stuff (whoever said "don't sweat the small stuff..it's all small stuff" needs a kick in the JimmyMarbles"), and then 48hrs turn me in to pure evil. So 48hrs of parents and I was back at the Oasis with enough food for an army. Today...I'm patting myself on the shoulder as the Army of One while I take my dinner break and finish off the spoils of the pseudo-vacation. The leftovers lasted just under one day while under my care.

Hope ya'll had a great Turkeyday vaca, and were able to spend time with fam and friends... I'll be peacing out for a few more days to help the McG family venture on to a new beginning in SC. Until Wednesday.....

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

SHAGGY BOB's FUNTRUCK TRYPTOPHAN CRUZ



Enjoy Your time with friends and family all.

Please donate to your local homeless bell ringer when visiting a supermarket near you. "ding ding dingding ding"

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

For the Holiday

Looks as if I actually get a Nationally celebrated Holiday off for the first time since I've been with the current company (2yrs). I'll see that turkeyday, and raise you CHRISTMAS EVE, CHRISTMAS DAY, NEW YEARS EVE, AND NEW YEARS DAY as well as working the weekend inbetween them. ~Shagz Von Losin'Hiscool.

If there aren't enough eats for leftovers I'm shaving my head. Nothing beats a turkey dinner leftover sandwich post ThanksGiving feast'aroonie. I haven't had short hair now for about 8years so I don't want my melon to freeze. The Pic at the bottom of the page is a year old and the mop is still growing.

The only good that can come out of "No leftovers" is a Locks Of Love donation. Pray either way...the decision is set in stone.

p.s. I look like a monkey without hair.

Monday, November 19, 2007

ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment

Should you and your body be unaccustomed to a high fiber diet, it is unadvisable to enjoy the entire contents of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios, as a breakfast/lunch/afternoon snack. The shit will literally sneak up on you and make you its bitch. Should this be the case, be sure that you pack your shoulder towel for where-ever you may be heading off to in the very near future. I'm just sayin' be prepared. That is all!

Todays Randomness


Today's Randomness is brought to you by, serious shaggybob Vampirism, the word denigrate • \DEN-ih-grayt\ • verb 1 : to attack the reputation of : defame *2 : to deny the importance or validity of : belittle, and the number 15. (equal to the number of minutes I actually saw the sun today).

Seasonal Affective Disorder... ever decide it's just too cold to venture out of bed on a winter day? Ever wonder why you've no energy, feel a bit sad all the time. Perhaps you are just like countless other people... suffering from (SAD). "I can't tell you first hand what it feels like, I'm usually too busy swimming in gin and tonic" I do think that it affects a lot of people as the times change and day light seems to wane. There are many things that you can do to pull yourself out of the funk, such as exercise, healthy diet and perhaps a new inviting hobby to take your mind off the darkenss. Me, I burn small pieces of paper in front of a golden idol I call Fred. Fred looks similar to the Indiana Jones Idol and weighs about as much as a bag of sand. I even shared my bowl of cheerios to his Freddedness

I ate breakfast today, just like I had yesturday at 4am....ahhahahah "just kidding" it was 4pm, yet looked very similar out side to the wee hours of the morning.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Happy Arrival Day

Join me in wishing Jen, Boone, and Roxy the best, they're safe and sound at the new digs down in RocketCity 'Bama.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Ah.....well?!

Looks like all you monkeys on the East Coast will have to buck up and deal. Who actually wants to move to Alaska and get paid obscene amounts of money for a job they love to do anyway?? ( you would think Denali Nat'l Forest would persuade the naysayers, but it doesn't) I want my shiat hole existance to be right here across the river from the Ghetto Schenecta'dirt... "F" the wild animals on the frontier and all their tasty glory. I bet a deer blasted in teh ADK's tastes just the same as Elk from Chugatch.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Global Warming



CAR EXHAUST AND COW FARTS DON'T PHASE ME IN THE LEAST!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Breakfast foods

I've decided that on the tail of cooking breakfast for Z an myself on Saturday that you really can't go wrong with breakfast foods. In fact I believe that everyone should decide on a whim to make a 12 egg omelette with bacon, roasted red peppers, and enough cheese to stop up an entire army of soldiers throw in some toast and grape jam and the world revolves a little smoother, hit that with roast beast hash and time stops. Granted if you cook like me, an omelette turns out to be more like scrambled eggs with shit in them. 12 eggs of scrambled with stuff in them, MMmmmmm. Left over breakfast foods, not so much, but they can be spiced up a bit if you roll the stuff in tortilla and add Frank's Original Redhot like it was it's own food group.

Today I had more breakfast, unfortunately without the added company, breakfast is just a little after most of the world finishes their lunch. It's not brunch...it's brinner in all its glory. If there were an IHOP close to my place of res. I'd be eating pancakes everyday and getting a rabbit.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Todays Randomness

Today's Randomness is brought to you by rollin out of the rack; following an awesome weekend, @ 5pm, the word peripeteia • \pair-uh-puh-TEE-uh\ • noun: a sudden or unexpected reversal of circumstances or situation especially in a literary work, and the number 15/hr.

After many, MANY empty cans, bottles, glasses, jugs, growlers, and plastic cups....it's difficult to play backgammon with three-man rules (not impossible, just difficult). Thanks for helping me remember the the finer points of getting retarded Z. Goodtimes, hope you made the journey home safe and sound. RPG Matty!

Guest appearences this weekend included Gonzo and D, thanks for rockin gentlemen. wooooooooooo!!

Good food folks and fun.....shaggy bob need sleepers, and as soon as I get myself out of work, I'm crashin' until work tommorrow evening.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Rut R'oh Raggy



Due to unfortunate circumstances, Devastatin' Dave's agent called and he won't be entertaining the happy hour crowd at the Oasis. He died tragically when his faux leather pants exploded into flames touching off a conflagration that ignited and ultimately charred him to the soul. Zip Zap Rap..... R.I.P. Fire officials expect foul play...something having to do with poor album sales and his shady record label. "It was a totally Devastatin' blow to the record industry to lose such a mogul"

In his stead, the Zman will be making an appearance approximately 8pm, after a brief moment of silence.... the drankin boots will be laced up, and it'll be a good to the last drop evening.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Surrealism revisited

Like all human beings, the bladder can only hold so much. When it's time to go, it's time to go. I ventured to the 2nd floor restroom in my place of biz to do my biz/whizz and Surrealism hit me like a sledgehammer made of jello right on the left eyebrow. 4 urinals in standard formation are located on a wall, with dividers to separate them. No one was in there, the lights were shining to their best florescent hurtfulness. I'm territorial, I generally if possible use the third urnial from the left. In my melon it's my unrinal just as much as my desk is my desk. I meandered to my urinal, what a composition. In the past there have been pens/post-its/chewed wads of gum...standard things that "well whatever", today there was a half eaten donut.
A half eaten donut resting on the Urinal top ledge, crumbs scattered over approximately 15% of the ceramic whiz receptical. Florescent lights, crumbed half eaten donut, my spot... "ever laugh out loud while you're trying to pee?" (I couldn't decide if I wanted to remove said donut, or leave it for the next bathroom break... I left it).

So... imagine. Surreal, very surreal.

Todays Randomness is brought to you by a half eaten urinal donut, the word jactitation • \jak-tuh-TAY-shun\ • noun
: a tossing to and fro or jerking and twitching of the body, and the number 15%.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Ladders and walls

art by Jenny Holzer

`One often thinks one is climbing towards a solution only to eventually discover that the ladder has been leaning against the wrong wall. Sometimes this happens because one didn't look where one was going, or receiving the wrong information, or because one addressed the situation with an invalid preconception.

~Conclusion: If you don't realize you've picked the wrong wall. Then when you've reached the top you're convinced it's the right answer.

art by Jenny Holzer

Monday, November 5, 2007

November 9th




I realized today that I'm looking at my newly added responsibilities at work in the wrong light. I've been basically bitching and moaning that I don't get paid more to be ultimately responsible for the finished product of the company. I've got it in my head that since I'm the newest member of the nightside team, they wouldn't bat an eyelash at sending a pink slip to my desk should anything go "wrong" under my watch. That's not so crazy...getting rid of me wouldn't hurt anything....they could function. I didn't get the Christmas bonus that everyone else got last year, I missed the cut off by two days. I didn't get a raise in June, yet didn't get the axe like the unfortunate 12. BUT, now that I think about it, I get a daily bonus ( Everyday, as in every single day ) for working at the G. Monetarily It works out to about a Starbucks Grande coffee or what would be a tasty good draft beer at a bar ( 1 everyweek of course). Everyday I get the extra added bonus of having the paper delivered right to my door. Yup $0.50 a day.... bonus man!, Bonus. And think of all the trees I'm killing by doing my job actually reading the paper every night as the last line of defense against the editorial oopsies. I do have to read it, in its entirety, as well as the entire online edition. [what a job]

I haven't unsubscribed...and I won't. The person that delivers my paper gets paid by the paper, the cost of plastic bags and rubber bands, come out of his or her pocket. So should I decide to cancel my subscription I'm taking food out of that persons mouth. They have a narstier shift than I do, I hear them pulling in as I lay down to finally sleep at 5-6am.... I'm the first stop on their route they'll be rollin' around dropping off papers until noon. So who am I to complain, I get a $.50 bonus everyday, and I help another soul with a terrible shift make ends meet.

MAybe I'll cover my place with all the old newsprint laying around, top to bottom, even the windows. Then I'll get my favorite spidey underwear on (only the spidey underwear) and cover myself in paint... Cadmium orange, and lead white.... sit on my couch and wait for the effects to kick in, then add color like an H.R. Puff 'N' Stuff set. Hmmmm. Thank you to the G, for the opportunity to be a performance artist, performing for my three biggest fans. Me, Myself, and I, we love performance pieces. And all for just $.50 a day. Woooo hoo!

The Owl

The Owl is gone and he's pissed, like going to go Postal pissed! "Who?" (click above for a link to Boone and Jen's post)

Free range organic

Chatted briefly with Jo on this subject, but really didn't get too indepth, foolish rant follows turn away. Turn away now.

Are free range organic eggs really any better than the store bought eggs that come in styrofoam and are marked in the Grade AA? I mean, does an egg that invariably gestated in a bird going to be any different if said bird was caged or running around in the yard? I would think that there would be more problems with busted eggs from Free Range Chickens, or would the omlette be just that much more countrified? (I dun got me a free range omlette, cock-a-doodle-doo) PETA is going to hate me here, and on a subconscious level, heck I'll just flat out say I don't care. Animals are on the planet because they taste good. Fois Gras? Drunk Ducks with enlarged livers.... or wasted water fowl who can't control how much they eat. Our country is obese, why not the ducks man, why not the ducks. (PETA, n. an organization that sends me hurtful mail, followed the next day by solicitations.... my very own PETA address labels and videos of animals getting slaughtered) Ever see a cow get slaughtered? All I can say is that it's a grueome ordeal at best, a going to turn into steak and hamburger ordeal....processed meat, all beef franks and a tri-tip roaast, gruesomeness. They use an airhammer now, kaPow. As opposed to back in the day, READ the JUNGLE By Upton Sinclair.
Here's my theory, if animals were and are so intelligent, loveable, and derned cute... evolution would have made it possble to avoid being on the menu. How is that possible? you may ask.... go grab a knife, (I'll wait) just go to the drawer/block and pick out your favorite chef knife. It feels good in your hands doesn't it?! Now, pretend you are a cow.... you can't! because that thumb of yours holding onto the knife prohibits you becoming a prey animal. Send in the VEAL biatches and have a feast, wear leather shoes, and belts, dine like a king or queen.... Lasron once said to me at a party, that 'If my dog would ask him for a bite of his hamburger'... in english, 'he'd give her the whole damned thing'" And I knew he would, but she's not going to speak english anytime soon, and opposable thumbs are way out of her league. I step on bugs, spiders and other things that crawl... exoskeletons are no match for the opposable thumb toting carnivores. A stew pot is a great place to keep a bunny. There are things I don't eat, Shark, I don't eat shark.. I also don't swim in the ocean because a shark could eat me. See how it works, Apex predators should consume whatever they like with out having to worry. Opposable thumbs and a paycheck are the only limitations. If you want to spend triple the cost for a chicken that runs around all the time bully for you, I'm going to eat the lazy one that comes from a cage.... If fact, I'll never see the cage, my chickens come in shrink wrap, on styrofoam, sometimes a couple of birds at a time, well...the parts at least.
I'm not going to bash anyone for being good to the food stuffs, but if you're going to join an organization that promotes better animal living through knowledge, ( get a bucket and climb a tree, free range milk is hard to come by) "whatcha waitin for up in that tree? "A cow to walk under me so I can jump down and milk it" good luck with the calcium intake buddy, I hear that the cows are wearing camoflage these days...if you're color blind cuz you didn't eat carrots as a child.
If you're a person that says animals that live organic have a better life, and that's why you've decided to give up on the mass produced meat, I can understand that. But you also have to think of this...It's still F-in Dead and you're eating it, it dies to be on your plate, I doubt organically raised beef is sung a lullaby, and or given a chance to run free out on the prairie when they're about to turn it into a slab o beef. "Awe, that's a good beef cattle, did you enjoy your organic oats today, look over there, a few free range cows....what do you say stud head on over an.....=>blam beef tips<=.
Organic vegetables? No matter where you get them they grew with shit, shit alone or shit mixed with dirt. I can't taste the difference between a carrot that costs $0.35, and a carrot that costs $2.55, but I can defintely see the wallet emptying. Carrot, (Ka-rot)n. orange root vegatable that grows in dirt, available at varying prices, yet strangely similar all around when it comes to nutritional value. ( the only difference I see in the market with organic veggies is the faux dirt, that's what you're paying for.

Point less rant, finished. I'm going to go get a soy latte, with organic cinnamon, in a biodegradable, recycled cup, head home to my chemical free domicile, light up a bees wax candle put on my hemp pajama pants and read a book that was printed on flax.

Friday, November 2, 2007

OK OK...I lied.




In 12hrs I will have finished laundry day: washing my superman and spiderman under-oos and prepping the Oasis. Boone and Jen are rockin out for a celebratory kiss my ass NY, Kiss it until you can't breathe function. Something tells me we're going to have some happy hour fun at Schenecta'dirts expense, "burn it, buuuurln ete tu the grouuunund".
It's Jen's last day working for "the man", man, at "the Man's diggs", and stuff. This might be the last hoorah, before they venture down to plantationville, and start up an S&M biz in 'Bama whoopin ass with their Bible-Belts and unleashing the featherduster sportin Reeses Organ-Grinder monkey named Butch on unsuspecting neighbors.....

Thursday, November 1, 2007

dark funky moods

I'm taking the week off. Not from work..like a vacation or anything, just taking a week to prioritize some shiat that has been boggling my mind for the last few weeks. Be back on the 8th of November, with a lame post about being back to post again.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

2hr goodness via verizon

Had a call today from some folks in AK...2hr interview with follow-up coming in the approaching weeks.

{$500 plane ticket, dry-cleaned suit, big ass smile, and proficiency with registrarial duties prescribed by larger museum type venues} could equal exedus from New York. New Pipe dream, you bet....already found a neighborhood close to the office, and a few places that serve king crab legs dirt cheap. (I don't eat seafood, so I'll have the Alaskan King Crab Leg platter, could you substitute elk for the crab please)

The Earl

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Nature and the Beast

??Do water foul get cold feet?? I can't tell, the husband wife combo Dynamic Swan Duo that lives a stones throw from my balcony don't look like they're even remotely interested in going anywhere for the colder months. The continue swimming around in the (inferred) frigid cold water of the pond. Inferred only due to the fact I haven't been for a swim, I seriously doubt it's on par with a hot tub. I also saw said Swans belittling the Mallards for being panzies. (no echo)

SHAGGY BOB's FUNTRUCK BOOZE CRUZ

Parked in the lot, not movin' an inch.
The deadline for future gigs is soon approaching. The Accounting Department is working hard to medicate the ills of the real world, getting things in order for another jaunt into the unknown (ETS'chedule' Nov.15, 2007). The Transportation Division is making ready for a new E-brake and a legally just, inspected set of wheels. A week removed shouldn't be a big deal should I only take the vehicle to work and the market.

Happy Hour starts at 5pm on Friday Nov. 2nd @ The Oasis. Join me.


Get a move on Jo...the movie's gonna start without ya.

A Roaster, smashed, veg. medley, cranberry/apple chutney toasted on rye, wine, cheap beer, dessert?, and buttery popcorn goodness. Suck IT! Ramen

~After the truck lost its ability to stop a few weeks ago, I had the fortunate opportunity to deal with Monro Muffler in 'Cuse. In all reality it kinda licked the boys, and not my boys cuz that freaks me out in a silly WTF are you serious?! way. I had opted; prior to asking McG for some monetary help, to apply for a credit card through the muffler gurus to defray the cost at least for a bit until I was back on my sea-legs financially. (de-F'in-nied) Bully for them, they were able to wrench a ton of cash out of us both. Today I opened my mailbox (with the jammer key that never works properly) and wouldn't you know it...there was a letter from Monro, the damn thing included a credit card, presumably for use a few weeks ago, OH wait!?. I was told by 'Cuse Monro, on Brewerton Rd. that my credit was in the shitter and they couldn't do anything about it. Why in the hell would they be sending me a credit card if my credit is bad? why didn't they snap to attention when I really needed it? Who could have used it back then? What was their impetus for sending me a card now, with a 5,000 limit? I'll tell you what, my credit isn't bad...It's pretty damn spectacular, Chester and Zebb the two grease monkeys that were too busy punching my O-ring weren't all that computer literate to begin with and the function of their archaic system didn't allow for Momo's to fuckin hit the keys. "I'm going to use that stupid Goodyear Monro credit card, and buy a new set of tires, wipers, a signature service blow job, and a chance to get back my dignity. I'll throw in the office chair deuce for free. (if I knew where Chester and Zebb lived I'd dump in their pillow cases), and all for just 27.6% interest." Then again, maybe I'll just deuce in their chair.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Party...haze

After a couple days of festering, a few details from the party are slowly becoming apparent to me again....

I now know where the glitter on my suit came from (?! don't ask and I won't tell).

I did Not fall all evening even though a person trying to scare me hit me like a freight train after tripping on a root launching from their tree hiding spot.

I did finish all the beer I brought and then some.

Jello shots are the devil if you have more than 25ish.

A drink that tastes like a little league bomb pop is good until a certain point.

Red headed sluts are a great shot. when you chase them with Dewars

When you know someone just practically smoked their head off, probably not a good idea to say "Come Onnn LAaaaaadeh, hav another shot". Lower extremities tend to fail at that point for them.

I won the "Funniest Costume Prize for the evening" Didn't know until today, pretty funny hah!. (gift candle)

Left over party goodies make for a great dinner if you want gut rot and the shakes of sugary goodness.

Pictures are worth exactly one word...."Nerrrrrr".
Camera phone pics don't do justice at all.

I dropped half a jello shot in the pocket of my suit....the inside pocket? (got me there, I wasn't wearing the jacket inside out at all)... and I have a hard time just trying to pull something out of the inner pockets much less putting something into them.

Halloween Costumes no matter how cool you think they are need to have ready access to bathroom facilities (even if that includes whizzing on a tree or shrub, or if you prefer...and apparently I do, some dude's foot whose dressed like Igor hiding in said tree or shrub).

I completely lost my cheezy shades, but not my perscription specs.... that's a new one for me and I'm damned proud.

After a hard night of partying.. nothing says "I'm gonna sleep well, like a drunken bowl of cheerios" It also says...good morning sunshine, wink wink I'm the cheerios you dumped on your pillow last night, and slept on jackass"

I can't wait for next year!!!!!

Todays Randomness

Today's Randomness is brought to you by a 1br apartment with 3 digital thermostats, 4 time settings for each of 7days a week. The word be·fud·dle Pronunciation: \bi-ˈfə-dəl, bē-\ Function: transitive verb 1 : to muddle or stupefy with or as if with drink, and the number WTF, 60,58,70,72,40,Off, 55,63,78,45, Turn the F-in power off for all around?

You gotta be dry-fuckin me with this shit. I may not be the most technilogically savvy person on the planet, but 3 thermostats? My place isn't that big #1, and B.) you can't copy the previous days settings to cover subsequent days. I have to set 28 different temps 3X's. That seems to me like too much hassle, I had no idea it would take so much...I won't do it. Heat this winter...I'm just going to wear fleece socks.

The Oasis is cold my friends...cooooold

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Spanky's Lounge

A beautiful night, check
Tasty cocktails, check
Costume hilarity, check
Funniest Costume Party Prize? (CHECK)
... a super bad ass Halloween Party, check!

Gonzo, L. , and Me rockin the costumes.

Spanky's Lounge was once again a festive party atmosphere. Liser definitely knows how to throw a ripper. There was enough food for 40, enough beer for a fraternity party, and a fully stocked professional looking bar of death. I tried to stick to the beer, but the drink specials that were posted on the chalk board were ever changing and I couldn't help sampling each and everyone. To wash the evening down, Nothing says lovin like that last Captain Morgan's and coke that only gets the splash of soda to hit you in the face like a shovel.

Here's a simple halloween costume for you all to try should you be at a loss for ideas. Total cost $5.38 (+beer)

Step1. Drink an 18 pack of Molson Canadian, suppliment that with an additional 12'er of microbrew bottles. This will allow you to chuckle at the thought of what you're actually going to create, as well as supplying raw materials.

Step2. Find adhesives, tape, glue, staples, whatever you have lying around,.... cannibalize the boxes so that you have the following.


Step3. A test run, followed by wrapping the creation in gift paper, attach a bow or something to be extra cool


Step4. Pimp it out with some bitchin clothes, and over the top aviators, style hair to cockboy boy band bullshiat



Step5. Get hammered at a Halloween party and tell everyone that asks that the "box is filled with candy rainbows and puppies" If they don't believe you have 'em reach into the box. (I actually filled the box with candy...it was a chilly evening and I didn't want Mr. Wang to get cold... I also didn't expect someone to keep a hand in the box for the duration of the party.. it would have been ok with me.. but It really wasn't an option) Thankyou L for playing along.


At the end of the evening do what any sane drunk person would do. Remove the box and toss it into a raging bonfire. It's an easy costume and I think that I have enough raw material to make another one...maybe!?

Friday, October 26, 2007

Addendum to the last post

~ Working oncall, such that emergencies = my ass working on a regular day off. Not complaining, just wading into the OverTime pool of luke warm goodness.


Halloween Party at Spanky's lounge - I'm still working on the box with which to put my junk for the Halloween costume, it was scheduled for completion this evening, that and the draining of a 30rack for posterity. As it was, I only had a few beers with dinner and half a bottle of table wine when I got called to Come into the Orafice.

A HUGE Congrats to the McG's on the sale of their palatial digs in Liverpool NY. South Carolina sounds like a marvelous place to live. "The Funtruck may join you... look to the North for the flash / mushroom cloud, it'll signify the coming of the Jebus" (<= insert a double tap of the old Mach Truck Air Horn)

Also on the horizon for the Shagz Von NoDirection-Inlife, a phone interview with a museum for the Assitant Registrar's Position. http://www.anchoragemuseum.org/ Unfortunately, I can no longer fit everything I own into my vehicle and be anywhere in the lower 48 within 5days. Of course the gig isn't in the lower 48, but a week of travel would still have me knocking on the frontier's door. "It's the couch mAaaan, it ties the room together"

Responsibilities

1st yr at the Gazette
~Design Ads
~Make Plates
~Crop and tone photos
~ (shit pay, working nights)

1 3/4yrs at the Gazette
~Design Ads
~Make Plates
~Crop and tone photos
~Edit Comics/ Color Comics
~Edit Puzzles/ Games
~Edit Weather
~Create and output Classified Reports
~Create and output Stock pages
~Create and output Obituaries
~Create and output Opinions
~Upload Paper for Website (Edition 1, 2, & 3
~(Proof all electronic pages) Output entire paper
~Olive (webdesign)
~(Proof all Negatives)
~Burst Wrappers
(Same Shit pay, working longer in to the night)

Fit dinner in there somewhere and try to whizz at least once a night.

Starting to look very similar to the So. Vermont Arts Center, we all know what happened there.


......And on that note I'm heading home early

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Do you know these Folks?

Chances are if you live on Beaver Bog, you may.
Roadtrip comin soon, 3yrs is too long. It's also nice to know that there are other Vampires in the world=> chill down the crypt and be prepared to party like rockstars til dawn.

Congratulations Gettin' Hitched~!!!!!




And....."I don't believe that there's anything beer can't do" as per out conversation in the wee hours of the drunken morning.

TP

During my first supermarket trip since the fiasco, I was psyched to killa chicken, get some potato, and veggies, fresh fruit to avoid scurvy and also had the fortune to be in quite possibly the slowest 20 Items or less aisle in history. Price Check Sally (there's a song in there somewhere) was having a horrible day. It wasn't that she was inept... she just had the dubious job of ringing out unlabeled cans, boxes, and didn't really know her vegetables to type in the codes. She was pleasant so, no harm no foul.

While standing in line; I would assume, like everyone else I was scanning other peoples purchases and coming up with a personality profile to fit each individual shopper. Not only in my own aisle but the surrounding as well. It was easier to make a snap judgement with the surrounding consumers because they were expeditiously shuffling through their checkouts with extreme efficiency. In my aisle, I was bracketed by two ladies. Between them both they may have pushed 150lbs, and combined they could quite possibly have been 180yrs old. I shouldn't have thought anything strange except for the fact that along with the little old ladies I was also bracketed by 75 or so rolls of toilet paper. The little old woman in front of me had a value pack, the one behind...individual rolls. "?could it be cheaper to buy individual rolls rather than sport for the cash for a handy carrying case of ass wipin materials?" I was intrigued. Still am, Although I couldn't help thinking on my way to the Bitch-Ass Frankensteiner that they were in league together and one of their elderly male neighbors with a perfectly manicured lawn was going to have a bitch of a time getting all the toilet paper horrification removed from his trees, off his house, and out of his superbly weeded perennials. Hmmmmm I would have offered to drive them if that be the case, but I doubt it.

Liser's HAlloween Party this weekend at Spanky's Lounge ( No Shaggy Bob's Funtruck Booze Cruz, I'm a passenger for this shindig)... I should be able to post pics on Sunday.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Gridless

So... apparently a single guy, with a well stocked pantry, a 2 mile commute, and zero funding, can survive for at least 10 days without spending a dime. It's strange, yet satisfying that it can be done. It makes the thought of a future kick in the old hairy beanbag seem less formidable. 1 1/2 weeks more; of a non-funded life, and I should be right as rain with the old bank account. I've decided to stop shaving, turn off my cel phone, use candles, and other than work stay away from technology in preparation for my move to the Adirondack park and an off-the-grid lifestyle.

SUCK IT, society!!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Expresso beans

I think that now would be a good time to say that eating a ginormous bag of chocolate covered expresso beans, all the while washing down with a Dunkin Donut's French Vanilla XXextra large brew is a poor idea. I've seen the end of the end of time and it rests at the synapses firing behind my eyes. I know it ends because I looked into my own eyes without a mirror and got lost there for a few minutes. "I am a human spirograph and spinning makes the patterns better".

There's a dog barking outside and he's telling me to......... (Fade to black)

A heart beat is only a good thing when it wants to beat out of your chest.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Todays Randomness

Today's Randomness is brought to you by, A raging hit to the wallet for vehicle repairs, the word Austerity : aus·ter·i·ty
Function:noun 1: the quality or state of being austere 2 a: an austere act, manner, or attitude b: an ascetic practice 3: enforced or extreme economy, and the number $9.35 account balance.

I've put that in my pipe and I'm afraid to smoke it, and will be until a week from now.


bread loaf, fluffernutter....beat that horse until it's dogfood.

Strange Brew

Original Trailer, "click the link above already, you hoser"

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Cruz is on Hold


SO, the last poster was not meant to confuse, only to not reveal the suprise funtruck tour to The Finger Lkes region for a 30th B-day celebratory wine tasting tour on Cayuga Lake. HAppy B-day again Jen. It was quite the weekend, a wine tasting tour is something every grown adult should do at least once in their life time. The Frankensteiner was the libation station for the weekend stocked with cases of goodness, both alcoholic and non-alcoholic. ( More about the frankensteiner later on) The Pinto rented a house right on the lake, and we had a fantastic crew for the tasting and after party. Mr. X and I stayed up with the fire until about sunrise to cash out the remaining beers.

It was a marvelously planned weekend and way too much fun. Thank you Pinto and Jen for the hospitality. I returned home in a roundabout way with a case of wine and a thorough appreciation for the new and different tastes that wine can provide.

I arrived late in the evening Friday and missed the turn to the lake house a couple of times, back tracked, missed again, lost phone reception, missed a few more times. Not a big deal I was in the Frankensteiner and roadtrippin is what I do. When I finally found the specific dirt road pull off drive that lead to the digs for the weekend I was psyched until half way down the road to the house, I could see the lake and my brakes went soft. Not just soft, pedal slammed to the floor to get a bit of slow down action soft. I didn't fill my pants, but I did realize that something was incredibly wrong. I made it to the parking area and stopped, brake fluid was leaking from ass end of my truck like a pinched off garden hose. I didn't want to put a damper on the weekend so I found the time later to duct tape where the leak was. When I left Sunday I stopped at a parts store and bought some fluid and filled the tank. It didn't last long and I didn't want to go back.... I kept driving and made an emergency stop in 'Cuse. ( Thank you to the McG Family for the two days of surfin while I waited for the repairs to get finished) I coasted into a Monroe Brake place at 9am on Monday since everyplace was closed Sunday afternooner when I made to the Central NY. I sat at that G-Damned place until 5pm.... It still wasn't fixed, they replaced all the lines and the Master Cylinder. They had a part delivered and it was a busted piece of junk so they had to have a Rochester distributor over night a part for this morning. I made it back to my place at noon today 5days after the initial problem, 3 since I started my return trip. "The frankensteiner is no longer the name of my truck....it's official new nickname is the BITCH-Rod Frankensteiner." I have now replaced basically every part of it since I purchased it used 4yrs ago. Bitch-rod Franknsteiner (BRF) seems to fit, and from hence that will be the name. I can't tell you the number of things that went through my head while traveling 25mph the 75miles to Syracuse white knuckled and ready to double foot the brake in an instant. I was frazzled.... still am frazzled. I can't count the number of times some higher being decided to turn red lights green for me on the trip just as I realized I wasn't going to stop. IT IS TOTALLY POSSIBLE TO DRIVE YOUR VEHICLE USING THE E-BRAKE FOR NORMAL BRAKING, don't let anyone lie to you. I've done it.... and survived.

The guys at Monroe had catcher mitt sized hands, and they had no qualms about balling them up into fists and pounding me in the old "O"-ring with'em. I know that they do lube jobs at the place it's a chain after all, but they were against using the lube on my fuzzy white ass.

All future ShaggyBob's Funtruck Booze Cruz adventures have been postponed; I'll be setting rain dates when I can make them feasable, I'd like to thank the McG's "thank you for your generosity my fam". I mentioned something about my networth with regard to just my bank account about a week ago. At the time it was the day before payday and I was worth 2 bucks for every year I've been on the planet. It is decidedly lower now with the balance hovering at I owe money for every year I've been alive now.

If it's not one thing it's another, I've decided the lemonade from the lemons in my life could now fill a bathtub and I'm hopping in with some steel wool to bathe, scrub scrub scrub all day long.... and I'm opening my eyes under the lemon water just for spite. I'm going to cut up some habeneros, not wash my hands and go take a whizz to wake me up from this dream.

Had I thought about the whole situation rationally; instead of like a scared little gigham skirt wearing sally, I would have at the initial realization popped on the flight helmet, backed up the lake road, strapped in and parked my truck further into the lake, head butted my steering wheel, had My buddy Pinto drop kick "Spine me" and called my insurance company to get a new vehicle. Hind sight is 20 x 20.

Rain Dates will be posted and I'll try to get ahold of all that were in the plans for the up coming weeks. My hotmail account is on the fritz so expect a few calls and some apologetic Shagginess. Willem and Kate, I'm going to try to give you a ring in a few to chat in person...I'm just waiting so that I don't interrupt your dinner. Willem I have to skip the Nippo "CC" tweak of golf on Saturday and shall not be making the run up your way On friday. I would If I could swing it, but it's not in the cards.

On a totally different note, Congradulations to Jenn E. and Brett on their engagement this past weekend, sorry I won't be able to celebrate with you this weekend.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Haiku

.....and now your literary haiku for the day.

Rene Descartes "Discourse on Method"

If I think, I am.
If I don't exist, how do
I know about me?

~David M. Bader

<=Insert Air Horn Blast=>

Freedom isn't Free


US NAVY SEAL Lt. Michael P. Murphy



Thank you my friend, thank you.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Replate

When in doubt, editorialy or if an AD is Late......Replate!

Today is an exercise in futility. Of the 160 plates for the paper tonight that I've already made, editorial/advertising mistakes have allowed me to replate 60. I'm no statistician but those to me seem like bad odds for getting out of work on time this evening. Since individual plates are a cost effective $7 apiece for their oh so long lived, functional lives of up to but not always 6hrs. I think the fact that folks in editorial and sales representatives that are putting their stamp of approval on the work that needs to be redone should be fined. Equally since I'm in the mood.... Professional basketball players should be fined for missing free-throws as well. 10 feet high, 15ft away, basket never moves, and probably hasn't since these multi-millionaires were first shooting free-throws @ 5yrs old. If you can't shoot 95% or better from the line, you get your ass fined 5g's for being lazy.

Today's Randomness is once again brought to you by 2mm printing press plates, the word (*&$@#! %) Adj / noun: an obscenity screamed at the top of ones vocal range, primarily just after ruining a third pair of pants, while working with 2mm printing press plates, and the number 3. Because every thing good comes in threes.