Friday, June 29, 2007

Yet another weekend approaches

It's high time that another glorious weekend is soon to be in full swing. This weekend will be the beginning of my tsunami month of July. It all begins tommorrow morning at 10am (an ungodly hour for the likes of this guy). Armpits @sshole crotch and teeth, a cup of coffee and then I hit the road for CT. Panini and keggy weg for lunch followed by a relaxing evening trying to find the bottom of the barrel. It's only a 2hr jaunt so making it back for the July30th-4th of july party at 3pm on Sat shouldn't be a difficult task. When I arrive back at the homestead and once again cleans the necessities, I'll nap for an hour, wait for my ride to Spanky's lounge and then jump balls deep into a swimming pool filled with ice and beer. After the deep freeze when the light passes over the horizon, Spanky's Lounge's patriarch will be unleashing hellfire and brimstone to the tune of 4k worth of loud, and bright aerial fireworks. The asshats I arrived with and I will then retire to the tikibar and imbibe tasty cool beverages from coconuts until sunrise.

Be back Sunday, listing to the right 30 degrees and unable to type coherantly.

.....after 12 coats of gesso each, and an inordinate amount of time I'm finally ready to get creative with my bad self. Above are the panels ready for paint. To help judge the scale, I've left a size 11 1/2 Adidas trail runner at the bottom right and the outlet to the left is standard. Since I'm leaning toward minimal most of the background white isn't going to change. Once I've finished and allowed the piece to dry and the varnish to set, and install it, I'll post a few more pics. It won't be for some time...I can't focus in on a decent composition. The quality of the pic, and the "not quite settled in the new place lighting" sucks, I apologize for that.

If it looks alright, via the principles of asthetics and design, I'll be trying to compose similar pieces to generate a body of work worthy of public display. Emo my shit silly and whore myself out to the 5th gallery that is interested in selling it for me. As far as self promotion goes, once the majority of a body of work is completed....I mass email the 300artists that I regularly keep in touch with from my stint as Exhibition Coordinator and Sales Director at the Southern Vermont Arts Center. I've hinted to colleagues that I'm ready to produce and have gotten warm reception from venues in VT, MA, and Upstate NY with allusions to name dropping and personal contacts for others. A possible birth in the near future?!. Hear-say, conjecture...and possible blowing of sunshine.

It's taken me 8yrs to get motivated, and have a space large enough make it possible. F*ck that Noise!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment

When living in an Apartment building that only houses 8 individual units. It's a safe bet that when you run into your upstairs neighbor for the first time. (the one that is constantly being mindful not to thunderstomp or create auditory chaos above you) that you try to seem pleasant. Especially if said upstairs neightbor = Me, is being sociable and asking if there have been any instances where it was a bit too loud or unaccomodating informing you that he is willing to take steps to not cause any undue stress in your life. If you yourself choose to be an incompatible bitch and your hubby hasn't the slightest bit of ambition for a courtesy handshake, you may not like the next arrival of your upstairs neighbor or his Marilyn Manson blasting off at 4am when he returns from work, the head banging, or the bouncing around that may ensue. (My World is an Ashtray, and you're not going to enjoy the Sweet Dreams). Hop on the bandwagon and follow the example of the other 6 Apartment dwellers in the building, put on a happy face even if it's fake.

I'll refrain from becoming That Guy but only until the second meeting, at which point if the hospitality doesn't turn itself on, all bets are off. Be kind, and I won't knock on your door at 2am after a night out on the town and ask you for a burrito.

Second hint of the moment, it's better to shit yourself than use anything even remotely like this.......

Tuesday, June 26, 2007


I was able to snag a few hours of sleep last night. Actually..... my body shut down at 4am and I slept until 4pm. Sleep is not over-rated. I used to think it was but I'm older and not even close to being wiser...being older is reason enough. Hopefully I won't ever have a relapse into the same mode I was in for the last three days, that just sucked, hardcore sucked.

3 days from now the month of "exhaustively busy" begins with a jaunt to Somers CT. Vinnie BAg'O New House. I can't wait to travel more than the truck needs and get my rockstar mojo going to exponential proportions. I refuse to wear leather stinky pants though.

I'm 3/4's of the way prepared for the studio session.
I'm thinking of buying a new suit or a dirtbike, I can't decide which I would use or need less.
There a yottle in my bottle and I can't get it out.
Aquafina bottle water isn't as good as Vermont Pure.
An 32" LCD flatscreen TV is within reach.
I have nothing but beverages and condiments in my fridge.
Laundry is optional given the heirarchy of smell test and basic lack of care as to whether there are bleech stains or pasta sauce on shit.
It's balls stuck to the leg hot today.
My neighbors are non-existant but that doesn't give me the right to get my paper after walking down the hall of my Apt. building in tighty whities and a wife beater, again.
I'm shedding like a dog.
Tonight is goign to be a boring evening at the GAzette.


Miss Becky and Solo have announced that they are officially goin' to get hitched. I can't say enough cool things about these two individuals. Of the Shaggy Bob's Top Twenty list of "Quality" people.... they're up there. Congradulations and all the best. WOOooooooooooooo!!!

Todays Randomness

Today's Randomness is brought to you by insomnia, the word EXECRABLE : ex·e·cra·ble Pronunciation: 'ek-si-kr&-b&l
Function: adjective 1 : deserving to be execrated : DETESTABLE 2 : very bad : WRETCHED, and the number 57 (hrs.)

Deep Sleep (over-the-counter) sleeping pills
Induces sleep
Reduces frequency and length of sleepless periods
Have a sound, calm and refreshing sleep
Calms the nervous system
Helps body muscles to relax
Contributes to the reduction of symptoms associated with anxiety, stress and depression
Highly effective anti-spasmodic

Reishi Mushrooms (Prevention of diseases, such as insomnia, hypertension, headache, stomach ache. Favour relaxation and stress relief, reduce tiredness & weakness)
Zizyphi fruit (Most popular sedative herb. Calms spirit, reduces anxiety & stress and promotes sleep. The product is safe and beneficial to the liver.)
Rhodiola rosea (Antioxidant for nervous system)
Schisandra (Tonic, immune system, antioxidant)
5-HTP (Symbol for serotonin, adjusts serotonin level, can give your emotions stability and balance)
Safflower (Acts liver channels)
Hawthorne Berries (Helps to reduce stress)
Wolfberry (Blood tonic, liver & eye tonic, calming properties and blood pressure)
St-John's wort (Treatment for mild to moderate depression and reduces anxiety)

HELL anything that has both Zizyphi fruit, AND Wolfberry can't be bad for ya. I'm gonna eat this stuff like popcorn. As long as Wolfberry isn't a code word for dogshit, and Zizyphi isn't a 300lb transvestite stripper/hooker. I'll be golden.

T-minus 45minutes until my pillow jumps up and attaches itself to my face a la LV-426, and doesn't let go for hours.

Monday, June 25, 2007

1/2 way there with the panel prep. It pays to forego sleeping and put in a 6 hours of mindless application of gesso to panels. I wasn't even the least bit stunned that the birds were chirping when I decided that I was covered enough in white to try and make the uneventful attempt at snoozing. Ever stare at the ceiling wondering why you can't sleep even though you are super tired? I put in a good 4hrs trying to lull myself into R.E.M. Sheep count 1,000,001 No dice. Now, I'm a caffiene and nicotene fueled ball of retarded. I dozed off for a few immediately upon arrival at my desk. It's going to be a muther of a night.

End it already

I've officially been awake since Saturday at nooner, there's something disorderly about that. The evening at work, super boring. .... not even a hint of sleepy. It's time to head home and take some drugs. If I haven't slept by work tommorrow I can absolutely gaurantee a big winner post. incoherant ramblings and allusions about the perfect potato flying over the desert in a canoe until the roof falls off, then it'll be a matter of judging how many pop-tarts it takes to cover a bathroom floor. And no answers with "toaster's don't have ears and Icecream has no-backbone" count.

I'm hunting Zzzzzz's

Sunday, June 24, 2007

New Responsibility

After last weeks culling of the not so recently hired, I'm back at work and have been told that since there is a shortage of people for certain positions now.... I'm going to be training to become a Paginator. If you don't know what that is, don't's a fancy way of saying "take this comp. file and place it on this page in this program so that nothing else moves or looks shitty for the paper, rinse and repeat as necessary for that healthy pro-vitamin glow." It's a job that my supervisors are doing now for way more cash than I'm paid...and perhaps down the road I'll be able to slip into that role and the higher tax bracket.[Either here at the Gazette or for some other publication in the area] It's a good thing basically. It pads the resume, could be a direction that would move me up in the heirarchy and or make me more marketable, of course it's just about as boring if not more than what I'm doing now.

This weekend was pretty lame on the rockstar scale, and wouldn't even make it into the Top 100 weekends of Shaggy's All Time Monkey Fun list. I did however get ahold of some gesso and started priming my panels for the installation. To properly get the base down on the panel it only takes about 10 coats of the gesso, give or take. I finished one of the four and it only took a combined time of 9hrs, I staggered the others in between coats and did this poorly planned rotation thing to keep myself occupied while the previous coats of ground were drying. It actually puts me just over 1/3rd of the way to being able to start the design aspect of the piece. ( It's going to be a minimal composition, but that means that more thought has to be put into the finished design instead of relying on my tried and true method of sliding around hap-hazardly and hoping for the best. abstract check!). I'm still toying with the idea of using Lapiz Lazuli, something about that blue really does it for me specially wih the gold flecks.

The wedding season is on the doorstep, the month of July is booked. I'll be able to get out and travel when August gets here. Maybe even get out on a course and use my severely neglected golf clubs. They're gathering dust, and are a little bit pissed off at me.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Divine Hitchhiking

This guy is making a pilgrimage through the Capital district , on his way to visit all the jesuseseses around the world. He needs a lift...... and a shower. Hook a Brother up.

I myself am going to eat crackers and drink boxed wine.

Until Sunday a bid you.....

Jesus in a tree has seen, and, endorses this message.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Making the CUT

Today I arrived at work to a solemn bunch of MoMos milling about in a daze. Of course being the guy that I am..I was fairly chipper and laughing away joking a fair bit and completely oblivious to what apparently was going on. My immediate design supervisor approached me upon my entrance in the building and offered me a smoke....( strange I thought, but since I'm trying to quit the ol lung darts it was a good reason to put that off for a bit.) we chatted for a short time and then she said that "I'm safe"... I haven't played baseball since Jr. High, and I'm usually more prone to play wiffle-beer....which basically amounts to if you didn't spill your beer running to first base you are definitely safe.

I found out that the Gazette was in the mood to save some cash money, and they decided the best plan of attack for that would be to lay people off. 12 in total were let go today. Total years of service for the Gazette spread amoungst them was just shy of 200yrs. I'm humble I've only been here for 1 1/2yrs and yeah...I do nothing of great importance, never have a full plate, and spend the majority of my down time trying to find the end of the intarwebb. I'm still a bit shocked that they would axe someone that was with the company for 28yrs much less all the other peeps. My direct over-all super supervisor hasn't made his way to work yet so an impending life change may still be in the cards. I'm apprehensive, a bit nervous.... and not too sure of what is going to happen. SO, perhaps it's time to hop on the old 10 Museum job websites again and scatter the "over qualified" resume to entry level openings across the conuntry, once again.

If you know of any opening in Musuems or non-profit institutions around your neck of the woods (exhibition Coordinator, Registrar, Preparator, Assistant Director, Collections Management) send the info along and you may have a new neighbor in the coming weeks. (It just sucks that I finally moved in to a place that I can finally call home)

I can see some serious bruxism for the next few evenings.

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is once again brought to you by MAC DERMID: Printing Solutions, NAPPflex III printing plates. The word: LACERATION lac·er·a·tion Pronunciation: las--r-shn Function: noun 1 : the act of lacerating, 2 : a torn and ragged wound, and the number 5.

Someday I will be more careful while playing with 1.5mm aluminum plates that have edges honed to surgical sharpness, today I just threw caution to the wind and did the disco hustle. ah, aah, aah, oww, aaaaahh...Stayin' Alive

And for your viewing pleasure Jesus in a tree trunk......

.....cuz if a fake diety were to be anywhere, it's in a GOD damned tree trunk in Tennessee. O'Darwin RULZ!!!!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


After the torrent thunderboomers last evening and a boring night at the old grind I woke up prior to usual this morning to a beautiful sunny day, gentle breeze and a french press full of a specially blended mixture of my own concoction. Far beit from my normal life to waste the daylight hours away contemplating doing something useful for once while the sun is still up and heating the planet. er, uh....yeah.

SO....I started priming the panels that are going to become the installation in my livingroom. 4 panels, 28" x 84", and not enough primer. Malwart didn't have what I was looking for so I went to the local art supply warehouse and decided that perhaps I should pay rent before buying the necessary pigments to cover the panels. It's not like I was thinking of hooking myself up with Lapiz Lazuli or something.....god forbid more expensive. I just wanted some gesso so that I could correctly prepare the panels for oil paint. Art,Hmmmm make a decision, right? SO for the rest of this month I'll be begging for OT at the Gazette, and eating like a Ramen gourmet. Impulse (check) level headed forsight with regard to responsibility (not so much). It's never too late to put off being an adult afterall.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by Lettieri's Philly Cheese Steak sandwiches, the word Scorched Function: verb
to burn on the surface, and the number 2:45 (Min, the time it takes to blister the roof of your mouth after not waiting the ascribed 1min to cool).

Hunger is no reason to say to hell with direction. I'm such an Ass

Monday, June 18, 2007

AIR SHAGGY, fly the best

Today I was sitting on my balcony...just passing the time with a good book in the sun (can you believe it?). I was deep into the rammifications of Homer's contributions to modern poetry when out of the sun a bird of prey came screaming down a la Japanese Zero toward a US Aircraft carrier circa 1943. After the initial startledness wore away, I began to think there had to be a reason that a talon bearing bird decided to buzz my balcony. It wasn't due to the Odyssey I was certain. I looked around my outdoor digs and found a visitor trying to break into my apt by way of Air conditioning vent. He was almost in when I caught the little guy. He must have been frightened exponentially more than myself after the dive bombing hawk made its appearance. That and being on my balcony, where height and size are completely relative..would have been like me holding on for dear life 70 stories up as an Apache decided to do a dance with me. I'm not afraid of heights where I know that I'll die should I fall (like an airplane crash) I am however frightened to death of falling say off the top of a ladder where I know that I'll just bust shit up and have to talk out of the side of my mouth after the paralyzing rapid stop at the bottom.

I made my way back into the kitchen to get the little guy a bite to eat...he enjoyed the better part of a cracker while sitting on my deck table...after which he and I had a chat about the prospect of his ever living should he decide to get into my apartment. I basically told him that if I should find him enjoying any tasty treats directly from my kitchen that he would inevitably collect for himself a free flight on AIR SHAGGY. Departure: My balcony....Arrival: The duck pond 70ft away after a brief hangtime. While enroute he would have to fend for himself with regard to any bogies with talons that may be in that airspace.

After our chat I picked him up, brought him through the apartment (Showing him the Shangri la he would be missing)downstairs to the front door and let him go on his merry way under the camoflage of a pine tree.

Good luck my little friend I hope for your sake that we never meet again.

Sunday, June 17, 2007


I'm not talking about a Stripper at Double Vision, I'm not talking about a helpful young waitress that I definitely caught staring at my junk at dinner on Saturday evening, I'm referring to the woman at the Hannaford's supermarket that was having a heated debate with her teenage daughter. I pulled into a parking space across and one up from the dynamic duo and witnessed that they were in a verbal skuffle back and forth in their car, teenage girl passenger and I only assume Moms sitting behind the wheel.

I exited my vehicle, and made the mistake of walking past the driver side door of their car. During the frackus battle of; no doubt, wit and sarcasm I happened to be passing Moms door when it flew open and tagged me in the twig and berries. I didn't go down, cuz in the back of my head;...actually during the out of body experience I was having looking over my own shoulder, I had seen it coming a mile away but the apparition me, couldn't tap the real me on the shoulder. Corner of a door + my crotch + the speed with which the door was traveling = loss of breath, a vertical bruise, and trouble sitting much less deciding on the grocery list that went by the wayside. I take solice in the fact that their Arguement about Shrek 3 stopped at the very moment of contact and didn't progress between the two byrds. God Bless'em and their foresight to save me the anguish of hearing about Princess Fiona when my balls were slowly recovering from the thunder clap. For fear of getting blocked by everyone on the net there is no camera phone picture goodness of the black and blue line crossing my wang and stones.

No public viewings have been scheduled.

Friday, June 15, 2007

This Weekend's Randomness

This weekend's randomness is brought to you by, laundry, the word corybantic : \kor-ee-BAN-tik\ : adjective
: like or in the spirit of a Corybant; especially : wild, frenzied, and the number 907.18474 kilograms.

This message sponsored by US mint quarters, TIDE, Bounce, Spanish Peaks Brewery, and Slim Jim Products Co.

See you all Sunday

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Damned Doritos

So..... we have a new worker in our group that basically does data input for us graphically adept people to incorporate into our designs and make pretty for the Newspaper. She types We cut and paste. To date, she really doesn't have a work station of her own so two days a week I roll into work and she's at my computer, the desktop is different, the dock is in a different place, my font-charts are disheveled and there's no room to put my coffee in its regular spot. The chair has been raised up to accomodate her posterior, my party-in-a-vest has to wait to warm the back of said chair, and she's usually munching on one of the delectable little snacks I have in my candy drawers. [I'm a graphic designer...what do you expect me to have in my drawers, legal documents?] She's only here for 2hrs of my shift, two wonderfully displaced hours of pure territoriality mongerness of my shift. 4hrs a week. It really doesn't get me too heated, I can re-adjust everything back to where it should be and go about my evening when she leaves. BUT tonight.......oh tonight, to-NITE my Dorito's were stale when I opened the freshly purchased bag and god damn it....I'm F-in Pissed!!!!!! (Six G-Damned exclamation points of pissed) F*ckin' Doritos!! F*ck'em in their Arse with an orange capt'n caveman wiffle ball bat sideways. Cool Ranch that Asshats.

....retro A&W, you're still cool.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment

When ordering food at a restaruant, should the food come out of the kitchen not as perfect as you like it, it's acceptable to send it back to have it cooked your way once. Should it come out the second time just a bit off but closer to the way you do actually like it, refrain from returning it to the kitchen a second time. As a person aquainted with the food service industry and more importantly a one time cook myself...the second return can only bring about hostility to not only you , by the server and the cook...but may also liberate a haneous expectorant or some other nasty foodie degredation on your behalf.

These people don't make the best wages and aren't actually in the same frame of mind as yourself, along with your returned meal they also have to prepare others' food. The second "I don't like it" is a slap in the face and tolerance basically goes out the door at that point.

I've witnessed 1 return, 2 returns, and 3 returns.... (2 got a re-heat to medium well by way of a 5 second rule violation) (3 got a sneeze after the 5 second rule violation).

Not all places are this way, 4 star dining establishments with Head chefs are above it. If you are at a diner and Mel is behind the counter listening to Flo bitch at him don't send it back.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by, losing the vending machine lottery (i.e B6 is still hanging), the word atrabilious ~ \at-ruh-BIL-yus\ ~ adjective 1 : given to or marked by melancholy : gloomy *2 : ill-natured, peevish, and the number 0.65.

ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment

After re-reading my post about the ShaggyBob School of Attitude Adjustment (Of which I am extrodinarily proud by the way...yet still no calls for help) I decided that there are many people out there that could benefit in various ways by modeling my life. So In addition to "Todays Randomness", which by now you have noticed is fairly random. I will also be adding "ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment"

ShaggyBob's Self-help hint of Moment:
Watching your weight:

Should you yourself want to become 6'1" and weigh 160lbs look emaciated, skeletorish and severely goonie. Here's how I do it. I eat two good sized meals a day, I eat whatever is put or cooked in front of me. I'm not bashful...every meal I eat until I think I'm going to explode...then stuff in some more until it pains me for hours. If it's greasy or not it's not a big a shit-ton of food! Inbetween these gastronomic feats of self indulgence I snack very frequently on candy, granola...and small sandwiches, chips..,rodents and anything else that strikes my fancy at that particular moment.

I only drink Water, Coffee, Beer, Wine and Booze. Occasionally I treat myself to Iced Tea. That being said, in addition to the ginormous set of meals pounded down like a starving third world urchin, each weekend tack on at least 2 cases of beer. It doesn't have to be in one sitting although I've tried many times. The quality of beer has nothing to do with the slimming effects of the diet. Light beer just means tacking on an additional 12 or 24 to the grand total for the weekend.

Exercising regularly is a sure fire way to keep off the weight, here's my daily workout: I wake up....I lug the donkey in to pee, I shower, I cook, and I do nothing for the times I'm sitting on my ass watching the tube, or reading a trashy book/magazine/gumwrapper/ some damned bill.

Getting enough sleep is paramount, I tend to go to bed around 5-5:30 am (of course that's due to my work schedule, we have to abide by the rules of the money God and trudge to work everyday) I'll usually sleep until about 2-2:30 in the afternoon unless I feel like keeping my eyes closed and could quite possibly at that point sleep until 5-5:30 in the evening until I have to get up for work. Stay rested...I find that in order to keep myself in the rugged shape that I'm in and not lose any sleep over it I stretch out for about 9-10hrs a day.

It works for me....why shouldn't it work for you. Oh and having a metabolism that puts the efficiency of a nuclear powerplant to shame doesn't hurt either.

Dining room Additon

I officially have a dining room table in my place, per me....I officially have a standard pub table with which to eat off.

l would have gone for the 18 person Mahogany conference type dining room table with the high back medieval hand-carved one off chairs, but I didn't think it would be my style, I live alone, and I couldn't get 18 people in my apartment without the table or chairs much less with. I'm fairly comfortable standing or sitting on a stool at a pub with table near me.... SO that's how I rolled. Next up...a deep fryer and a recipe for McDuff's Blue Cheese. I think my heart just stopped...nope, just a bit thicker with the old artery walls.

Beer fridge on tap.

Oh and I that last post. "Betty White, You're on the list...You always were my favorite Golden Girl you little Minx"

Monday, June 11, 2007

That'll learn'em

I've decided that in lieu of the West Coast starlet/celebrity crisis and the impending future ridiculosity that I will gladly offer my services. The ShaggyBob School of Attitude Adjustment is now open for business. It's a simple way for young hot celebrities out yonder, to finally get the attention that they most assuradly are lacking in their personal lives, right the wrongs that they have produced for society and gain some self respect that attention whores need to survive in this oh so terrible world.

The ShaggyBob School of Attitude Adjustment is there for you ladies. My simple yet effective attitude adjustment system is nothing short of the latest and greatest throwback to a by gone era of smartening you right the fuck up. Simply pay the modest $35,000/hr fee and I will be more than happy to travel to your home and spank you until my hand hurts. My sevices are available long term as well, only requiring a significantly high priced sports car and a blow job no less than twice a day. I'm waiting for your call, any time, anywhere I will make myself available. Need an Attitude Adjustment in Vegas? I'm there. Need an attitude adjustment on your private Carribean Island? I'm there. No place is too far, no spanking is too hard. If you're lucky maybe I'll have terriblely bad aim or glance a blow off your ass and mistakenly stick a thumb in your butt. ATTITUDE ADJUSTED.

Since the grand opening of the ShaggyBob School of Attitude Adjustment was just 3minutes ago I expect you Miss Lohan, Miss Hilton and other Miss Hilton, and you Miss Spears to be dialing me up for a consultation. Miss Alba ,Miss Biel, your attitude adjustments are on the house you both seem pretty down to earth. The first attitude adjustment is only one good ass whackin away. Consultation visits are not clothing optional, get naked and ready for a spanking, you deserve it, you need it, and most importantly you want get on the phone and call the ShaggyBob School of Attitude Adjustment, bend over and prepare to get adjusted.

My name is ShaggyBob and I want to spank your pretentious ass.

Friday, June 8, 2007


YA Like That, DON'TCHA

See you on Sunday

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Pop culture and LA wrongness

If I happened to get a DUI and shirked my responsibility to follow the protocall of our grand legal system opting for another jaunt in my F-in Beamer straight to a much televised "boo F-in Hoo" because of a 3 days stint in the pokey eating hotdogs and bologna sandwiches in a 12x8' cell all by my lonesome. It would be safe to say that my time in the pen would be full of bitch acts of self degredation for protection. Not so on the West Coast apparently and definetly not for the Richie Rich. Coined by my Fav. Monstu "THAT'S SUPER BULLSHIT!!!!" (4 exclamation points, 4)

G.E.D Hilton, given an anklet for home school in her mansion, asked not to leave for 40days...WTF. Throw a ripper and invite the appelate judge....Crystaal hottub dip, eh? "Anybody" normal person: on the planet wouldn't get it that easy. Speculation that she developed a medical condition...a rash? like she hasn't had an itchy scratchy before. Get a penicillan shot you worthless bird. If she developed a mental game for the exudus...take her to the loony bin and sraightjacket her.

It is my HOPE, that she decides in her infinite wisdom to leave the grounds of of her Hollywood Hills mansion for a soy latte at a local coffee shop and is snagged by the Feds.

Does she have a stylist, seamstress on hand that owns a bedazzler so she can pimp her anklet and bling it out?

I'm getting hammer tonight after work and driving around on the Paris fackin hoo officer. Don't make me suffer the indignity of staying behind bars for anything more than 78hrs.

This message was brought to you by TNT, not the explosive kind, the tasty kind!

Check Yourself

This cartoon brought to you by Married by to the Sea

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by Racially charged outbursts while playing: Playstation2's Grand Theft Auto San Andreas Video game, the word sprachgefuhl ; \SHPRAHKH-guh-fuel\ ; noun : an intuitive sense of what is linguistically appropriate, and the number 93.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007


Note-to-self: If you are thinking about getting gender re-assignment and traveling back in time to 18yrs old, try not to stand next to large electrically conductive trees on Eastern Parkway in Sch'dirt; while in the middle of a lightning/ thunderstorm, you don't need to have your socks melt to your feet.

Thank you self, I'll try to keep that in mind.


Apparently there is talk that some of the residnets of Vermont are again petitioning for the state to become it's own sovereign nation. Seceding from the US wouldn't hurt many feelings unless you're a fan of VT pure maple Syrup. I think they should get on their horse...that way we can jack their Import Oil Taxes, put up a wall to keep them in the mountains, declare war on the hermits and invade...thus occupying their sovereign nation to replenish the US's Need for yummy maple Syrup goodness. Then their Microbrews could be just as expensive as the rest of the countrys'. International travel at down home costs. I want Duty on that border patrol, got milk? NO?... you can go back to your farm then. I only say this cuz I bet Mach's General Store in Pawlet VT could use the foreign tourists money. It's the only place I've seen that has an ATM machine that gives currency in multiples of (5). 5, 10, 15, 20.......$40. It would also make it hell on the leaf peepers from NYC, they would have to plan a month in advance to get their passports.

Vermont, where you can be held accountable for invading international airspace by flying a kite from my parent's backyard. What would their new Country flag look like...... would they have the design Gurus at Ben and Jerry's work on it? Would they allow Poultney to exist within their borders or give'm the boot relegating them to Hamptonite status?

Monday, June 4, 2007

Double standard in my Melon

I'm torn by thoughts that I've had lately while rifling through headline from across the country. I don't necessarily think I'm a bad person just a bit off when it comes to certain things. Perhaps it's gender biased. Practically everyday somewhere in our country there is a headline that includes a teacher having inappropriate contact with a student. I can't stop myself from reading the articles in their entirety and thinking one of two things, and this is where I I have issue.

Ex. A highschool male chemistry teacher has sex with a 17yr old girl, my immediate response "This slime ball needs to go to prison and get taken advantage of...public enemy no. #1, this dude needs to be put away for being such a douche".

Ex. A highschool female chemistry teacher has sex with a 17yr old guy, my initial response " Way to go kid, this teacher needs to get a life, but hell WAY TO GO DUDE (insert high-five)"

17 is 17 no matter how you look at it, and the law states that both are pedophiles (except in banjo country), illigally seducing minors for some sick twisted reason. But there is a double standard in my mind.

Big Empty Spaces

Curtain fiasco has been dealt with and shall hereto forth never be mentioned again by me or my suffering boys. I'd like to thank all the snooty curtain representatives at the various stores for making me feel the way I made others feel when I was selling $75,000 paintings to moldy oldies in VT. I am humbled by your knowledge of curtaininity, and just wanted something simple, that I could stealthily wipe boogers on without remorse should the occasion arise. I will never again treat another human being like a moron even if they exibit blatent signs that they're a bit slow on the comprehension aspect of our personal interaction. The people at,...... more specifically Hottie McHots-a-Bitchwhoreslut at Pier One can "lick the backside of my hairy beanbag". Thanks for nuthin' now get back to fluffing pillows C#@T. [Ouch that's gotta hurt, I hope you're reading this.... call me!? ]

Setting up a new place is difficult, I'm trying to use this move to straighten out some other aspects of my life as well. You know straighten up and fly right type stuff. Maybe act my age and whatnot. Although All I can seem to focus on is matching all the new furniture to an antique table that I have. I may have to postpone the release of "I Do What I Want Always" ,the online version in the works for your reading pleasure. Expected release date (when I get around to it)

I never was the most frugal person when it came to anything. In fact I think I'm more prone to excess and the wanton throwing of monies at the most available and easiest solution to anything, with an extra beer before I hit the road, and knowledge that ramen noodles can infact sustain you during an interim bout of pennilessnessitude.

Next on the agenda, entertainment and lounging furniture. I can't just fill my place like a funhouse foam/ livingroom isn't recessed and the foam/balls would all escape out the front door or pour off the balcony. Getting a Sh*t-ton of bean bags wouldn't be good either. ( Y'all know that I'm prone to cutting myself at random times with blunt objects, I can't imagine the clean up from numerous beanbags) And yes I did manage to cut myself whilst hanging the V-blinds this past weekend....I'm ok though, it was only my foot {no stitches}. So I guess the next step is this "Futons (plural), or sectional couch (singular) w/ recliners, and cupholders built into the upholstery?"

Then it's on to lighting, unless I get a fit of the "I don't cares" and just head off to the second hand furniture store and pick me out a motley mish-mash of stinky pre-owned digs complete with ingrained homeless and/or fart smell. [That probably won't happen I'm trying to be a grown-up and frat furniture isn't going to cut it anymore].

I'd like to say howdy to Mr. Pinto, and thankyou for the call at 2am Saturday. I know where you were, but I doubt you did. Sorry about you're hyperventilation. I lied, I really didn't get a 10 gauge hoop piercing of the scrote "FOR The LADIES"...just thought I could make beer come out your nose. Breathe easy man...breathe easy.

Sunday, June 3, 2007


Here's my vote....

Wikiwhacki....the simple and abundant internet porn site where you can wikiwhack-it!

I'm computer illiterate to a certain extent so I think someone should get on this pronto.

It's not as funny here as it was for the 4hrs we were laughing about it completely under the influence of various ill begotten vices, but it does hold some of it's humor if you say it 5X fast

Friday, June 1, 2007

This Weekend's Randomness

This Weekend's Randomness is brought to you by ESPN's National Spelling bee, the word NEGUS ne·gus Pronunciation: 'nE-g&s, ni-'güs Function: noun Etymology: Amharic n&gus, from Geez negusa nagast king of kings : KING -- used as a title of the sovereign of Ethiopia. And numero uno.

"You my Negus" or "What's up my Negus " "Shhiiiiit Negus"... so on and so forth until the hole I've dug for myself is slightly above the bar-B-que known as Hades.