Thursday, November 29, 2007


After a weekend of the funnyfarm in G-ville with the fam, and one evening at work I traveled to liverpool NY to help my friend McG pack up his life to move to SC.
~Throughout my life barring the time I spent in Montana, this gentleman and I haven't really lived beyond a 3 hours distance since I believe 1980. We played Little league, ran on the same cross country team, completed in both indoor and outdoor track, attended the same University (sort of), Ended up in the same Fraternity, I was the Best Man at his wedding to Miss Val, for the last few years I've been Uncle Bob to his two beautiful daughters. SC..... that's not close, and although I see a 12hr drive better as a 1 1/2hr flight... I'm saddened by the loss. This bastard is the strongest character I've EVER known. The definition of Quality Friend/Human being. I'm sure their family will be happier down in Greenville, but any "random" visits by Uncle Bob can't happen and aren't even a feasable option. Sad (check)

I wish them all the best and know that once the girls and Miss Val arrive tomorrow via air travel that everything will be right as rain and they'll no doubt grab that state by the short and curlies and make it bow down to it's new monarchs.

48hrs, 4br house, one 26ft moving truck....6hrs of sleep, truck loaded and new life on tap comin'. Standard TEP reimbursement, beers and Bar-B-Que. sweetness!

I left 'Cuse at nooner for the 2hr drive home and was hoping to catch a power nap prior to venturing into work Wed. evening. 1hr and 55minutes into my return trip, 200yds from the exit ramp, the back of my truck shimmied, I pulled onto the off ramp, and the truck had a seizure, it cavitated violently, and frightened me. (it's never frightened me before) by the time I was able to double foot the brake and hit my hazard lights I was passed by my left rear tire...(It fuckin rolled past my skidding truck) Did it see the future? or was it just in a hurry. I was in view of the toll plaza. [backstory: Last Tuesday prior to the turkey day festivities I brought the funtruck to get serviced, tires rotated, aligned, balanced, all the little non-intrusive preventative maintenance that a vehicle should need before the winter.] No more that 7hrs "driving time later" a goddamn tire fell off. Superfly TnT pissed off (check)

AAA coverage works on surface roads but state highways such as the NYS Thruway have private contractors for towing. An Hour after my "WTF" call (I was 5miles from my apartment) a wrecker showed up to flatbed my truck off the Thruway. He had to bring the vehicle to his homebase we backtracked 20miles, and he unloaded the truck. I then had to get another wrecker to travel the 20miles to pick up my truck and bring it to the F-in screwheads that warranty their stellar workmanship. Short version=4hrs later I was staring at the grease monkey that rotated my tires 7days previous. I'm not an angry man, I'm not a violent man, I'm not an irrational man. I kindly asked that they put the truck up on a lift and get their asses in gear repairing the fuck-up that they made. The lug nuts weren't torqued correctly for my truck and they supprisingly took 7hrs of driving to all pop loose in the span of 3 harrowing minutes. [aside: had I been driving 65mph when this little incident occurred, you would all have the pleasure of imagining this blog entry postmortum] barrel rolling my vehicle is far from the top 100 things I need/plan/or want to do prior to peacing out at the ripe old age of 62yrs old.] dumbfounded (check)

within 2hrs: I said so-long to my best friend, and had a brush with death. Scared w/soiled underoos(check)

They worked on my truck and had it back to me this afternoon, saying that all was good to go. "I believe'd that just about as far as I can throw my truck, and I hadn't had my bowl of gamma radiated fuckin wheaties". I don't really trust the shit this jackhole was slingin'. Their manager said something to the effect of "I've never seen that happen before, maybe "you......" I stopped being the kind, respectable, level headed, polite rational person that I am at "y". (the following conversation is an abridged version minus the chair flying in the waiting area of the Shiite hole garage. In attendence ME= yours truly, DH= the fucktard that did the work on my truck last Tuesday, and SAB=manager ShitAssBitch.)
SAB: I've never seen that happen before, maybe y.....
ME: Seriously!?..... Are you implying that I've tried to commit suicide by missing lugnut?, or did the Lugnut fairie wave her little glittery magic wand and make them dis-a-f*ck-in-pear?
SAB: It's not that I'm accusing you of...
ME: What the F are you saying then.
(DH enters) I wasn't the only person to work on your truck that visit, I'm not sure who put the truck back together
ME:???????? Explicatives galore.... Your name is on the workorder, what do you mean" not sure who put the truck back together"?
SAB: Don't get in his face
DH: I'm not sure, it could have been anyone
ME: YOUR Garage is responsible for a catastrophic bumble F*ck that could have cause my death (said with a bit of spittle that probably looked like a milk mustache or on par with a rabid 4 balled wolverine hovering over the carcass of a dead doe) And you don't know who worked on it?
SAB: Bob, it could be the bolts and lugs from your truck...they're different than a normal......
ME: We're past that friendly Bob bullshiiite. You'll address me as MR. ROBERT J. IVES.
SAB: sir, I would appreciate you calming down...
ME: Is this place a garage that works primarily on brakes and mufflers?
SAB: yes sir
ME: WTF is the first and last step of each and every brake job you complete in this dump..... hint It involves taking off and putting tires back on the fuckin cars, you mean to tell me that the apes under your employ are incapable of replacing the lugnuts of a Toyota Tacoma? It's a pretty rare automobile isn't it??
SAB: sir, calm down
DH: I know they're (the lugnuts) manufactured different
ME: WhyTF didn't you do it properly snapperhead?
SAB: Sir....
SAB: yes
ME: Send the work order for the shit you did to my home address registered mail, the body shop I've contacted will fax you a copy of the estimate that you will be paying directly to them, separately when my home garage finishes the repairs to my truck, you'll receive a bill from them : for towing expenses, parts and labor.
SAB: we don't have to......
ME: Have a great F-in Holiday Assclown!
(Shaggy Bob gets in truck, drives to curb presses brakes and they hit the floor, )
(Shaggy Bob returns to shop)
ME: Brakes are little soft to not working~!@#%*&^$$@#!#$^@^. "EXPLICATIVES!!!!<=with 4exclamationpoints"(oh yeah, it was that ridiculous)
SAB: Bob it'll have to wait.
ME...empty that bay (points=>) and it's MR..... "Asshole" (I chuckled to myself a bit on that one)
(Shaggy Bob removes folding chair from truck and sets it up with an overwatch view of garage bay)
(SAB dumbfounded look)
ME: Get it done!
(DH gets the truck into newly emptied bay and ShaggyBob watches both DH and SAB tinker around with the now and perpetually messed up Piece of Shit I call my pride and joy the Frankensteiner)
SAB: that should do it.
ME: Registered mail asshole tommorrow afternoon..... (over shoulder) They gonna stay on this time?
(Shaggy Bob gets in truck, drives to curb presses brakes and they =>catch AND => stop the vehicle with "at least a 1/2inch to spare" before being completely pinned to the floor). Nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr F those guys.

ME (to the poor mutt looking in his rearview and or, my windshield as we drive in the same direction toward my Oasis) Man I hate fuckin lawyers, goddamn it I hate lawyers..... WTF are you lookin at? fuck you to Mr. driving the same direction as me guy... fuck you!

It took me a few hours to stop fuming. In fact, as liberating as it felt at the time I won't be completely satisfied until I can have the home garage look at the truck and fix the problems that were most likely overlooked when they rushed to get it back to me.

I fully planned on using vacation days to help Mr. McG out cuz that's what brothers do, they're there for eachother. nostalgic reverie (check)

I didn't plan on burning my last vacation day of the year and comp hours on slapnuts and his crew of wayward monkey fuckers. Disappointment (check)

Shaggy Bob's Funtruck "whatever" Cruz is again on hold. Saturday evening D, Kristi and the Lil Mac ( ) are going to join me for dinner at the Oasis I can't wait. There's a possibility of a Gonzo appearance as well.

Emotive you bet... the ups and downs of life are easily mellowed to a static malaize with just a tad too much Cuervo 1800. (looks like I have my Friday morning planned too, at least until 9am that is...then maybe I'll catch a few hours of sleep). headache and upset stomach (check)

If you see a naked man that looks suspiciously like the Jesus w/tv dinner below.... running down any streets in Glenvilliski honk, say hello...... I'll wave my wangdoodle at ya.


Kate said...

Well, enough of that bites that you're probably about chewed to a pulp by now. (Or maybe a mash, suitable for brewing?)

I'm sorry it all added up to such a clusterfuck. Here's wishing painful normality edging on boredom for the rest of the year.

Timmy Z said...

Oy, Bob!! talking about shit luck. Hang in there. And if you need something, including visit time, let me know. :-) be happy to play some 3-man backgammon again.

Kristi said...

what a bunch of idiots. sorry bob. hopefully kenzie will be able to cheer you up.

Steve said...

Send me the address of the shop. Rocket connections(check)

moe.L said...

So lemme guess you're a 'glass half empty' kinda Jesus?

Shaggy Bob said...

I'm a glass full of not so serene Jesus "Fin" Hellfire and Brimstone on the flaming pogostick damnation and death ready to bounce on their melons. Meeting with Attorney on Monday (check)......

A Saturn V Rocket in their muffler seems like a kind way of saying happy holidays. Send it Boonie send it with a bow on it!
10 Saratoga Rd, Glenville, NY 12302

Miss Kristi, I'll catch you and the fam sometime in the near future.

Shaggy Bob said...

Kiss Kate, I'm going to have to get your addy again. Should the Frankensteiner live up to its name, (i.e. just a few more new parts) I'll be headed your way in a couple of weeks. Shoot me an email.

(side note)
I believe that you've always been beautiful. Not in a "I want to be a sperm donor way", just beautiful. : )