Friday, February 15, 2008

ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment

ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment:

OLD AND BUSTED: Carrying a weapon into a learning institution and killing innocent people; because you think the world slighted you in someway, before offing yourself.

NEW HOTNESS: Offing yourself before getting to said institution and saving the world from your pathetic existance.

If everyone in the world; me included, decided it was a good idea to go on a killing spree everytime something happened that we didn't see eye to eye with. Only the hermits would survive and there would be a lot of dead squirrels. Here's a little helpful hint to all you mutts that have a propensity for random acts of violence when not getting your own way. "Either you need to build a huge fuckin time-out chair for yourself and sit in IT!, or....give yourself an attitude adjustment"

Attitude adjustments appendix:

For beginners,
1.) Punch yourself a few times in the testicles or ovaries. It should give you a moment of clarity.
2.) Have your imaginary friend deliver #1 for you. It should give you a moment of de-mystification.

For the sullen,
3.) Breathe deeply and think about a third world country and a house made out of discarded cardboard boxes and the millions of flies you don't have to deal with as you are not eating fetid foodstuffs.It should give you some perspective.

For the habitual assholes in the world.......
4.) Try Sticking one thumb in your mouth and the other in yer ass <=> rotate in different directions at the same time. "If that doesn't straighten you the fuck out. Fly solo, get the gun, sit on your couch, have some apple juice, eat a poptart, and spatter you own damn ceiling." Leave the rest of us out of it.

Recap: Clarify, Demystify, Perspective, Poptarts

That being said, I'm off the grid "intarwebb-wise" until Monday this week. The Oasis is open for business. See the below E-flyer and kick me a call or text if you're within striking distance. Leave the poptarts at home.

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