My kitchen's so small, you can't swing a dead cat in there without getting fur in your mouth.
"He has the attention span of a chicken on speed."
As busy as a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest...
So ugly he could back a dog off a meat wagon...
As shallow as a saucer
Lower than a duck's butt
As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs
It's rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock"
Time to piss on the fire and call the dogs.
Busier than a cross-eyed cranberry picker.
He's so dumb that if he saw a sign that said 'Wet Floor' he would."
Tighter than a camel’s ass in a sandstorm’
That's slicker than snot on a doorknob!
Couple Sandwiches short of a picnic
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.
Nosier than a mule in a tin shed.
Faster than a blind dog's tail in a meat market.
He couldn't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight.
Trying to nail Jell-O to the wall
Quit running around like a fart in a bottle.
His eyes bugged out like a stomped on toad frog.
It'll work... Like a windshield wiper on a goat’s ass
Couldn't find his ass with both hands in his back pockets
You're the one f**king this chicken, I'm just holding the wings...
(to have suffered diarrhea): "I've just spent tuppence in ha'pennies and farthings"
I'm hungry enough to eat the ass out a dead mule...
Slower than smoke off of a cool turd...
On Futility: It's like trying to herd cats.
Don't get your crank shaft all up in a two stroke!"
He was grinnin like a dog shittin a peach seed ".
Quit your cryin'. You're gettin' the floor wet.
Elevators in the basement and the cords have been cut.
Obviously, you weren't spanked enough as a child.
Happier than a four-peckered goat.
--Whatever blows your skirt up for ya
