Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Turkey Huggin' Morons

Thanksgiving, a holiday to share good food, and good times with family and friends. Or...bicker and get shittered drunk, which ever you prefer. I'm game.
In tommorrow's paper in the Opinion section, a concerned person will be expounding on the ethical treatment of turkeys.... S/He actually uses the word desnood ( A new one for me but here is the definition: they cut that hangy downy off the melon of a fuckin bird) PETA go put your underwear and bras back on, they've hurt an animal that has the brain the size of an acorn. I would venture a guess that anything the Turkey Industry can do to a bird is ten times less painful than what I've seen my own Grandmother do to a Turkey. So they kill them fast and relatively painlessly. Grams was from the Old Country Czech. in order to correctly pop the head off a turkey you have to spin it around a few times an then snap your wrist like "THIS" and magically a headless turkey runs around the yard spurting blood on the snow. It's feathers are then plucked in a very hot scaulding bath and the inerds are discarded...or chunked into the stuffing. That my friends is the way turkey should be dispatched.
As far as Turkey Factories?! well Think of it this way...a long long time ago in a Quaternary era far far removed, the tree called evolution started spreading it's limbs and flourishing. Between then and now, animals have come and gone, some even stuck around for the long haul. Somewhere near the bottom of that tree where the trunk splits we evolved as Humans..and Turkeys stayed Avian. This probably had some influence on the statement I am about to write. "I HAVE THUMBS AND TURKEY's DON'T: MAKING THEM TARGET TASTE GOOD", therefor I can use my thumbs to create an easy method for killing a tasty bird and then cook him/her in an oven ( an oven, a place where heat is harnessed from fire to make turkey taste good). I hope that fatass 60lb butterball can't run too far from the knife in the facotry cuz he sure isn't getting away from my hand stuffing his chest full of breadcrumbs...even if they have to wring his neck and pop his head off.
The original article was in the opinion section so more power to the person who wrote it.
While trying to figure out just what I wanted to write, I ventured to the PETA site and a similar arguement for the preservation of turkey rights was listed. Here's where PETA kinda misses the ball. they love all animals People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Does PETA care that a rabbit was displaced from his field home so a farmer can grow Organic potatoes..or heaven forbid Soy products that I've heard are all the rage with Vegan Peta-ists (Tofurkey might taste better to you if it was previously rubbed on a wildabeasts ass). ?Is yeast a living thing? is it considered an animal? If it is, I can't wait for the protest encompassing the entire holiday. I want to see a protest sign denouncing the use of yeast to make the bread, that is both above and below my Butter ball, and smashed potato sandwich on Friday afternooner, just before I take a nap and dream about how turkeys are mistreated.
If a Turkey evolves during my lifetime to eventually be able to shake my hand, I'll stop eating the buzzard, until then grow away in yer factory my juicy deadbird walking, grow away. I hope frogs are ok in the cranberry bog.
No vegans were hurt in the writing of this entry.

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