Thursday, April 24, 2008
8am seems like a great time to waken from a terrible dream to realize that you were dreaming in that in-between stage of fully alert and dead fast asleep. This morning I was Horrified. Horrified beyond measure and literally, physically dry-heaved my way to full awake. I left all my windows open last night due to the chill in the air and the way it makes me sleep like a rock. Usually by nooner the heat of the day replaces the cool of the night and I roll out of the rack and start my day... urrgph, URgph, URRGHPRT. Not today Bruther, not today....
(I was on a televised gameshow and Wink Martindale was the host, the studio audience was screaming and the final prize was about to be revealed with myself in the lead. I only had to answer one question and the stuff would be mine. I was nervous, jittery, restless if you will. Wink was doing his best to draw out the suspense. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt faint, borderline nauseous. I twisted my head back and forth scanning the audience for hints; to the yet to be iterated question. Then it dawned on me... I was on the game show "What's that Smell?" Wink busted open a jar of whoop ass filth and asked the question to the delighted applause of the now ravenous sneering, drooling, crowd. They were bug eyed and chomping, bloodshot and nashing. Then the dreaded Question "What's That Smell?" A.) A garbage truck unloaded its contents in your living room, B.) An entire heard of buffalo spontaneously combusted your apartment, or C.) A Sewage suckin, Diesel burning, Septic tank sleucing truck just started pumping ungodly funk out of the manhole cover under your balcony to remove a non-apparent clog in the poopy pipe system. The crowd was now making a slurping sound in unison, the funk was unbearable, I heaved, Wink Martindale cackled out loud as the crowd revved up. A heaving wave of? )
......Straight out of bed to shitter, 14inches of faux hawk drappped over the big white telephone to God, Jettisoning the chunky cargo. M-F'er
I left the apartment immediately in my pajamas, drove two miles down the road and fell back asleep behind the wheel, in the Walmart Parking. When I returned a few hours later it took half the day to get the smell out of my place.
Wouldn't you think that some maintenance guy would perhaps notify those in the building that they were going to open the pit of hell an suck the shit out? Nah, I just woke up to I don't know how many peoples colon stench in my lungs. (Air and detritus from inside someone else, numerous someone elses made its way into my body) And that ladies and gentlemen...is not cool.
Unrelated: If you're in the Capital Region, Open Bar @ The Oasis Friday April 25th, 5pm