Thursday, July 5, 2007

In the shadows

After returning home from work Thursday at 2am, I was ready for a great big day of relaxing. I took the normal route to the Oasis, T-minus 5minutes of travel and a much needed after work beer. When I pulled into the complex there was a pleasant gentle breeze. My now {normal parking spot was open as per the neighbors leaving it for me}. You still have to love territoriality and the benefits it can afford you no matter how old you get. (just don't use MY F-in' crayons bitch!).

I stepped out of my truck, glanced at the light shining over the locked entrance way to my building started my not so laborious walk carrying my spent tupperware dinner containers, man-purse around my shoulders and keys at the ready..... when I heard a voice.

Some dude, was walking out of the shadows toward me. Instantly thanks to the ""old neighborhood"", fight or flight had me glance at the door, then with ninja cat-like reflexes (Because a ninjacat is just that much faster than a regular ninja) I had a blade shining in the light and was inquiring why said monkey had decided to startle me and whether or not he was willing to get cut up for said offense. Here's the interaction between middle aged fat lard scaring people on the way into their apartment bastard (FL, Fat Lard) and knife weilding ready to gut you if you blink wrong=> me (DH, Dirty Harry).

~FL... "Hey man can you give me a ride to Brandywine and State, my mother lives down the way in another building and I couldn't wake her, to give me a ride home" "she's 70yrs old."
~DH..."Your Mom is 70 and you're banging on her door at 2:30am expecting to wake her to give you a ride to crack corner in Sch'dirt?"
~FL... "I have cash I can give you for gas"
~DH.."take a step back chief, I'll call you a cab"
~FL..."I only have 3$, not enough for a cab"
~DH.."What the F are you doing 8miles from where you want to be, walking around at 2:30am, asking people for rides from peeps with 3 F'in dollars?"
~FL...."you looked young, I didn't think one of the old people here would listen to me"
~DH..."You think you're Mother would have gotten up to drive your ass up there?"
~FL... "probably not"
~DH..."what makes you think a stranger would give you a lift?"
~FL..."I was at the K-mart up the street, and thought I'd walk over here to my mothers to ask for a ride."
~DH..."There's no Kmart up the street..."
~FL ..."could you give me a lift?"
~DH..."How much would you give me for gas money should I decide to give you a lift?"
~FL.."I only have 10dollars"
~DH...Back the fuck up man"
~FL..."I just need a ride" ( approaches DH, and then sees glimmer of blade)
~FL..."whoa man, no need to be hostile"
~DH..."I'm headed into the building, I'm calling a cab, your ass is going to stay away from my truck, and wait in the middle of the parking lot in the light until the cab shows up, or you're headed to Glenville PD's finest hotel room."
~FL "F-U, man....."
~DH...."guess it's the G-ville police then I'm sure they'll give you a ride home" (DH almost has time to hit send on the cel phone that he had dialed 911 on covertly)

G-ville PD shows up; sketchball is waiting in the light in the center of the parking lot well away from my truck. Mom Dukes had already called the police and they had been on their way.

Enter, (BA, Bad Ass ginormous thunderstick weilding Copmonster, 6'6" 280lbs, wearing shades and carrying a flashlight/nightstick/bazooka combo. less than 2min later.)

~FL..."that som-bitch called you?, FU man, that's bullshit"
~BA..."what seems to be the problem?"
~DH.. (reiterates, whole scene)
~BA...(tells story from FL's Mom's perspective with restraining order)
~DH..."Fair enough I'm going to bed" (basic, report filing)
~BA..."FL you're under arrest for violating an order of protection."

(FL gets chauffered away wearing silver braclets by BA).

Total time lapse 10minutes. July 4th, standard day right off. WTF!?


Willem said...

The Killer: You tried to kill me!
Harry Callahan: If I tried to do that your head would be splattered all over this field!

moe.L said...

only you Bobert...only you...

JLints said...

I think that was my brother.