Thursday, July 12, 2007

Nice old ladies

I was at the supermarket purchasing some odds and ends (Focaccia) that I forgot to include with the blueberry and mango dark rum salsa that I drizzled over my oven roasted chicken for dinner. My tiny fuzzy white ass needs to eat better than I have of late. Of course it was later than normal dinner time, it being 9:30 in the evening. I decided to take it slow and burn a comp hour so I wouldn't have to rush back to the grind. I passed a frail little old lady, with an oxygen tank in her basketed 3wheeled Grocery electric mobile buggy thing. She was staring intently at something on the topshelf. My guesstimate is that the target area of her gaze was no less than 4ft above her head. I stopped, inquired politely if she needed help "finding something" not "getting something" and was promptly told in a nice little old granny voice to mind my own fucking business, and to get the hell away from her, asshole.

In light of her response to my kind gesture, followed by my subsiquent reaction, and the totality of the interaction itself. I will be awarding myself back those 6points lost from the "My badass self image, and self-ranking on the manly scale" that I knocked off earlier in the week. Rather than overturning the electric tricycle and flicking a lighter near her pure oxygen sniffing haggard old crusty nose- igniting her hair in a blue Q-tip flame of glory, I peacefully and politely excused myself and apologized for my err in offering my assitance.

For the next 3days, I will not be opening doors for the ladies, I will be scratching my twig and berries in public, should I feel the need to clean house, a booger diggin' I will go! followed by flickage in a chicks general direction, I'm farting when I please, burping loudly when ever possible and spitting in public. I'm not showering or brushing my mop until Saturday. I may even just leave my zipper down for the duration to air things out a bit. I'm calling every new girl I meet a Bird or a Lizard, and staring at their assets while engaged in politically incorrect conversation.

In the future should someone that grew up in the lap of chivalry in this country speak to me in that manner, I'll continue with my normal daily routine....

And I'm Snapping into a Slim JIM. OOOOOOOOOooooooH YEEEeeeeeaaaaah!!! Granny's getting an earful from a disrespectful foul mouth 32yr old hooligan, that looks like a hippy, and is down right intimidating when you're sitting in a grocery buggy thing until either she drowns in tears or I get banned for life from whatever store I may be in. "I have bread" and tried to be helpful.

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