Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Hairy's Ukranian cousin

Awhile ago I had the opportunity to find in my dungeon apartment a friend/foe in a certain centipede. I named him Hairy and we had a great relationship which involved a truce or armistice stipulating that he wouldn't go near my bed and I would in turn not crawl under the stove and upset his daily routine. Hairy decided to step over his bounds a month later and found himself 32 legs shy of lifting a size 11 1/2 hiking boot lowered rapidly from a height of no less that 4ft carrying with it the brunt of 150lbs of me attached.

Centipedes apparently have the uncanny ability to float their consciousness throughout the world until they contact a similiar creature that is willing to move to my whip in the city. It took a month....and some of that might have been the travel time from Kazaktistaninobleistan, but Hairy's cousin Dirk made it safe and sound.

Dirk was obviously emboldened by his trip across the seas and country and brazenly decided to make his presence known by running across my crotch. ( I was at the time watching the movie Aliens, not a bad sci fi flick) until you have a UKazakistanoblimanitan Centipede running in yer crotch.

Ever see the Matrix or a great Kung Fu movie where a person actually levitates in mid air? I've done it in real life. In the few split seconds I was hovering I got pretty bad ass. Like Steven Sagal badass..."Not the running like a 4yr old girl Steven Sagal...the ass kicking Akido M-F'er). HASAN CHOP! Un Gah Du HAh type breaking boards bad.

I effectively dessimated my computer keyboard and knocked over a book case. Dirk is faster you see, than Hairy ever was. Since I neither speak Katmanduhickistanese, nor do I believe this little exoskeleton wearin' foreigner speaks English...all bets were off. He may have frantically waved in fright or maybe it was some ancient taunt.. "I LOST IT".

By some miracle of opposable thumbs, I lofted a coffee mug and wounded him. That means I mashed a couple of legs, he had plenty left and it didn't seem to slow him down. If Hairy had imparted some wisdom on his soul or not...Dirk made a Bee line for the Stove and his saftey. I decided the best way to catch and murder a Centipede at 4am was to expeditiously plug in a vacuum and suck that Muther up. He made it to the stove..I have the "wand attachment". (<= insert evil laughter and a secret of Nihm type rat-smile)

As quick as you think you are, when you are a centipede from Uzbecki(Backwards "K") silent PQRKHLS ictun...you're no match for a Good Ol HOoVER. I chanted U.S.A...U.S.A.....U.S.A. while emptying the canister in the toilet and flushing him back to the other side of the globe. (All the while hearing hulk Hogans WWF entrance Music circa 1986 in my head)

Score another for the good guys, my friends...score another one for the good guys.

It is my hope that distant relatives of Hairy and Dirk don't make the journey shipbound from Europe...I haven't the foggiest clue what Hairy is in German or Italian. Although I do know that I'm jaded by my freedoms and a willingness to destroy any and all new comers.


Matt said...

Shaggy Bob 2 Hairy dudes 0

Kate said...

Ah, see, Bob, but now the next time you use the toilet, Dirk's gonna come up and grab a hold of your ass. How fun will THAT be?