Wednesday, June 25, 2008

A trainwreck waiting to happen?

From a recent email that officially got my gut churning and wanting for the good ole colon bomb.

Here is the official recipe, followed exactly every time. Make sure
to measure accurately (recipe can be, and often was, doubled or
tripled although it is not suggested to attempt making less than one
full recipe).

1 log frozen Grade F- ground animal flesh (beef if you're lucky)
1/2 K-C?** Sh**** (rhymes with Carp) boob sized bag of elbow macaroni
1 #10 can generic tomato sauce (important that it is be low quality so
it contains lots of seeds)
2 cups FRANK'S(R) RedHot(R)
4ish tbsp Pocahontas brand chili powder (this is a mixed spice
containing chilies, cumin, garlic, onion, etc)
3ish tbsp red pepper flake
2ish tbsp garlic powder (not salt)
2ish tbsp black pepper
1-6 tbsp random spices and/or termite droppings
1 quart sour cream
1 sleeve saltine crackers
27 cans cheap beer
2 pints whiskey
1 1/2 cup Pepto
7 Camel light filtered cigarettes

The night before:
Consume beer and whiskey. Put frozen ground flesh log in sink of
cold water to defrost. Hint: do not sleep if possible.

Morning of:
Vomit, smoke three of the cigarettes and begin browning the ground
flesh log. The log will still be frozen in the middle because you put
out to defrost after drinking the beer and whiskey. Put on pot of
water to boil and salt liberally.

As the log is browning, smash and chop it with a metal spatula to
squeeze out the grease and juices. When all meet is gray (it won't
actually turn brown if you have the right stuff), drain off some of
the fat (yes believe it or not I actually drained off the fat even
when I was making this at the house), then sprinkle the spices over
the ground meat and cook a few more minutes.

If you are lucky, the water is boiling by now so stir in your
macaroni and cook it to near mush (al dente is for wine sipping, vespa
riding, soccer loving, gold chain wearing Italian douche bags).

Vomit again and smoke two more cigarettes. If possible yell at
someone to get out of the TV room and go clean something, possibly the
deep fryer or the grease trap.

Mix the seasoned meat, tomato sauce and redhot into the noodles and
allow to simmer for approximately 20 min. Stir occasionally but not
all the way to the bottom so that there will be some burnt areas which
add a smoky flavor to the dish.

To serve:
Leave the pot on the burner set to its lowest setting and leave
stirring spoon in wreck. Place sour cream and crackers on table for
diners to add at their digression along with extra redhot. Serve with
milk or more beer (having both is not recommended).

Consume one plate or bowl of wreck, smoke one of the remaining
cigarettes using uneaten portion to extinguish the butt. Consume the
Pepto, nap and repeat this last step, or attend house meeting.

~Monstu~"written for Ogar, after a recent inquiry"

My suggested additions follow (Ain't nostalgia grand) :
> Ok, the only additions I have to the marvelous rendition from the Trainwreck specialist, are that you have to prepare the meal in either boxer shorts of fat cords with out shoes on. (If you're wearing shoes it won't cook properly, make sure that you scratch your ass at least 5times throughout the process) I also recommend that after the pre-meat spatula log shaving vomit that you open a bottle of Clan MacGregor and liberally dose yourself so that A.) you wreak of cheap shitty booze rather than the Great North American Technicolor Vomitorium, and B.) you deaden the taste buds/ nostrils so that you put just a tad too much spice in it for the normal human being to consume. At that point apply one or two Beast Ice to your ulcer to quell the hurt. If you choose to put out the cigarette in the bowl of remaining wreck remember to leave it sitting on the coffee table through but not limited to the entire 29 f*ckin repeats of sports center, if you Wookie yourself on the couch with the bowl of extinguished butt and sport center, renew your love for wreck when you groggily wake up and mistakenly take a fork full of the ashes.......... Mmmmmm Good. Save the remainder of the wreck in the cooking pot cover the top of said pot 3/4 with tin foil complete with the serving spoon dug in really deep and put in the refrigerator. The bigger the refrigerator the better it'll add random moldy unsuspecting flavors to the leftovers, every subsiquent trip to the fridge for a bite with give you a yummy suprise.
> After a late night drunken dip into the wreck leftovers, and a quick snooze when you wake up the next morning it is customary to call either Monstu or Myself and say "Bloody Buddy" which will cause both of us to make a Bloody Mary and enjoy the gut rot that your experiencing vicariously through you.

If you've never experienced a Trainwreck, this is the one for you.

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