What do........

What do ALzheimers grocery shopping, sushi, and clue number 117 down from the August 5th Sunday L.A. Times crossword puzzle have in common? ...........I did them all today.

I started my day; sans sleeps again, doing some cleaning and starting the LA times crossword. I eventually decided that cashing my paycheck would be a good thing and headed to the local supermarket that has a bank branch conveniently located within. While I was cashing my check a foot shuffler approached the counter and was a bit off center. She was chatting with the little lady behind the counter as if she knew her and was babbling about anything and something at the same time. The girl looked at me and did an obvious eye roll signifying that she had no idea in the world who this lady was. The elderly woman used her name (her own name) in the conversation. The girl behind the bank counter was at a loss, so after I received my receipt I turned to the elderly woman [kicked a wink at the teller] and used her name in passing conversation about how her morning was treating her. From there we bantered back and forth, me gleaning anything and everything from the conversation I could to try and help her with chivalric intentions. She was shopping and lost her cart...saw her "friend" at the bank counter and was in need of assistance. ( I doubt Alzheimers had anything to do with it, but I listed it previously). Martha and I then meandered through the store and located her cart, and I was obliged to accompany her around the food aisles helping her locate all the items she had on her list. She was doing quite well, and half the list was already taken care of, she just needed help finding a few items. I pushed the cart and kept up the conversation. Her son was on vacation in Belize, or Florida or some ofther country, so she said, she missed him and her grandchildren. On our way to the checkout we were approached by a frantic 40 something, who had been to the customer service center and was paging Martha in an effort to locate her. I hadn't noticed the paging...it wasn't my name. Apparently Martha was a resident at an assisted living home on an outing, doing some shopping to help her stay in tune with her regular life and on top of her game as it were. Her chaperone thanked me for taking the time....I felt generally good. Selfishness with regard to a random situation accomplished. I think random acts of kindness are the way to go. When I'm a dirty little old man (cause I will be a DIRTY Old man someday) I will no doubt receive some help at one point or another, and think back to the time I helped Martha in a "Pay if Forward" sort of way. Martha gave me a hug and we parted ways.

I then went shopping for myslef (yup myslef) and purchased some sushi rice, rice wine vinegar, soy sauce, some tuna, powdered Wasabi, Nori, and some other things to roll up for din din. Upon retuning to my place I set to work and made some of the ugliest sushi rolls known to man. I know they'll taste good, but they look pretty sad. The tuna wasn't sushi grade... I didn't want to spend that much money for raw fish although I should have. (If you know me I'm no seafood person, but the Monstu turned me onto Tuna prepared correctly and I enjoy it immensely) I definitely had time during the day to head over to Avon Meatland and get the good stuff. Anyway the sushi was rolled poorly I mixed the wasabi, failed to remember washing my hands post wasabi mixin' and had to whiz (NSFW) Dick Burn. Not cool, but a pretty serious endorphin rush I can tell you...didn't bother with a shower and basically [if you're not a single guy you'll find this remotely disturbing] washed the wang in the bathroom sink. Much better.

Good deed for the day accomplished, non burningwang and dinner prepared I sat down for a few hours and hit up the afore mentioned ccrossword. Usually it takes me a week, and more often than not longer to finish one of these, that includes random calls to Timmy Z and the Monstu for a bit of asssitance. I finished the entire puzzle all by my lonesome. Barring the few clues in the morning it only took me 2 hours. I felt SMRT.

This evening I'm working on car ads for the paper, they're the bain of my existance but I'm not that phased right now. The bonus of the evening will be the dinner break which I should be able to wrench out an extra half hour for.

Overall today was a 8 on the worth scale and is a significant jump from the last week of hovering around 4 or 5.

Todays Randomness

Today's randomness is brought to you by, sleep ,the word extirpate • \EK-ster-payt\ • verb *1 a : to destroy completely : wipe out b : to pull up by the root 2 : to cut out by surgery, and the number 0

US, lazy?

Think of anyone in the world being lazy? I bet it was a person in the good old U.S. of A. I caught myself in that boat today while in the supermarket. I was in the frozen food section thinking about what I was going to cook for dinner when I passed it. A large purple box of goodness that I couldn't stop looking at as I was walking. Uber Lazy trumps lazy in this case for sure. I was thinking of some light fare, nothing too hot, I wasn't in the mood to sweat. So I snagged the hometown food goodness of my childhood, only it was prepackaged, frozen and already to be consumed with a 1hr thawing time left out on the counter. I'm talking about none-other than a Smuckers brand product. The epitomy of lazy, and quite possibly the best damn invention since sliced bread with peanut butter and jelly.

"Uncrustables" Sweet Jumpin Jesus on a Purple Pogostick. 10 to a box, slightly less than my average meal...but the friggin crust has already been nixed in the dealy. I can't say I have any disdain for myself or my purchase, they're good. Nothing tastes better than a PB&J that someone else makes for you. I can't remember if I've mentioned it in the past, but that's the way things work. Try it sometime.... get out PB&J mixin's and a friend. Each of you make 2 sandwiches exactly the same, same ingredients, same knife, same amounts (measure if you wish or just eyeball it) Gauranteed the trade off of one of your pals sandwiches will taste better than the one you made for yourself. And visa versa. Sad that lazy is a factor in our society, lazy to the pinnacle of laz when you can't be forced to get the ingredients and make peanut butter and jelly sandwich opting for a frozen round crustless pocket of the Gods.

I'm lazy. There's no helping me.. but at east I'll enjoy my slothily glutonous uncrustable sandwiches for the next 15minutes. They're practically bitesized. Snowman says they're definitely bitesized although I think they're bigger than a standard Zebra Cake.

Poor sleeping habits

I'm back to a super ridiculous sleeping schedule befitting the graveyard shift. All it takes is good book, the AC, and a decent reading lamp for a great reason to once again get into the habit of falling asleep when most of the civilized world is just emerging to start their day. If you happen to sleep in and start your day at 10am. I crashed out at 10am, and got up for work at 4pm, what was I thinkin. Nothing that's just it, I ignored the new born baby 15ft away in the adjacent apt building(both our windows were open and I wasn't the one screaming bloody murder). The baby birds newly hatched next to the Air Conditioner were boisterous, I wasn't making a peep. Even the weed whackers and mowing that sounded like they were on my pillow didn't really matter. From 3:30am tp 9am it was uninterrupted reading time for me.

I started a compilation of Stephen King Short stories. Even he has admitted that his writing style is poor, and he isn't the best prose generator in the world, very far from it. I do find that his musings are heavy and weighted with everyday substance. Thee(s) and thou(s) aren't given a chance. Cursing is used where appropriate. He's suspenseful, but you can feel the human character exhibited from his pro/antagonists. I'm a horror fan yes, but the collection I'm reading now isn't full of thrillers, it doesn't make me sleep with the covers over my head. The stories are familiar ones with most of us. The Breathing Method, The Body (Stand By Me), Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption (The Shawshank Redemption), The Apt Pupil (Apt Pupil). I've also finished The Eyes of the Dragon. Not that I want to blow his HORN but his writing keeps me locked in and I can't put it down. It's also in large print for the most part and I don't like reading at night with my glasses. [If you wear glasses you know that the worst thing in the world is to fall asleep with them on and then wake to find a new discombobulated warped monstrocity that you have to untangle and can't refit to your melon. mentally you know that all day you're wearing crooked glasses, even if unpreceptable to the masses, you know they're F@cked up, man that's annoying]

So I'm reading Stephen King, after A Tale of Two Cities...it's light reading. "I'm trying to explain my reading habits to people that don't care aren't I?" well, I'm almost finished with it anyway and I think I'm going to be the bookworm this Saturday and spend all day at Barnes and Noble looking for a fresh batch of classics. If you make it to the Barnes and Noble in Toga-town on Saturday say hello, I'll be the hippy thinking about looking for reading material.... hopelessly stuck in front of the art/history section drooling on my fleece vest. I'll walk away for a few minutes at a time then mindlessly gravitate back to open an arthistory book that eclipses my truck payments in price and weighs 35lbs. I'll be doing that all day until I'm stuck and can't focus on purchasing anything.... relegated to walking out of the joint empty handed.

I'm now glad I festered this weekend

After delivering the Police blotter for print in tommorrow's paper. I'm glad that I didn't go out this past weekend. It was Hot in the city, hot to the tune of 6 full page columns of Police blotter criminals. That's not really a good thing......

(hushed).... When I was little we find a man --(she struggles for the words) -- like a butcher. The old ones in the village cross themselves and whisper crazy things. 'Demonio, cazador de trofoes...Only the hottest times of the hottest years...' Crazy things...This year is grows hot. And we begin finding our men. We find them sometimes without their skin. Sometimes...much, much worse. Cazador de trofoes...means the demon who takes trophies.

I was seeing things on my way to dinner this evening, everywhere I looked there were red dots emenating from random places around town. Maybe it was just my imagination. Put the guns down and walk away.....it's not worth it.





I doubt we could get Jesse "the body" Ventura and Arnold in the same place right now. To whip things into shape.

I'm not carrying the knife in my truck anymore, just the "buzzsaw" rescue wedge for skull splitting, stroke saving in the rough fun. Maybe I'll actually put it back in my golf bag at somepoint.

A relaxing weekend?

I was fortunate enough this past weekend to stay at home and not travel for the first time in about 2months to some shindig or other. I was exhausted from the previous 8weekends of rockstar and thought that being at my place; in addition to being a convenient place to sleep, would make for a pretty good bit of down time. It turns out that I'm a social creature, I detest being my lone soul company. I get angry with me for no reason, I'm boring and I really don't have an ounce of ability to function when not gathered with a group of people with which to joke, imbibe and be merry. At least someone to sit around and not speak to.... I need peeps. I had the only personal interaction of the weekend when I visited the laundr-o-mat. I'm not very nice to people when they're eyeballing my underoos. It was hot, expensive, and took forEvaaar. They had PEZ in one of the candy machines so I popped Pez candy and watched as the dryers mesmorized me into tears of boredom.
I bought some movies to occupy my time and that didn't do it. I started working on the new painting mapping out the composition of random bars and colors, that wasn't cool. I made a tasty feast without someone to share it with. I was overwhelmed with it not being the best damn thing ever And picked it apart noting the changes that needed to be made....then cooked it again... it sucked the second time too. I had a few beers, watched some more movies...finished another book, I may as well have just been staring at a wall in a catatonic stupor, nothing felt satisfying and or accomplished.

I decided to come to work early today just to be able to speak to my co-workers. I've decided that my life can be pretty lame at times. It's tough to be a pack animal and spend a few days as the lonewolf. But I have clean underwear so I guess the weekend on the whole wasn't a total wash.

My name is Shaggy and I'm a social creature. I would drag on and elaborate my mindset of the weekend more, digging into the whole thing in a pseudo-psychological way but that would be more depressing.

Homer,Homer, Homer

You know the drill,

101100010110110000110101'9er10101011111111010001

See you at the rondezvous point.

ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment

A word to all whom have difficulties controling themselves in public. I'm not saying being an @sshole; or behaving badly, but rather with regard to bodily functions.

When in line at the supermarket, if you are not younger than 3, nor 90 years young you have no excuse. It makes it very uncomfortable to be standing in line with food stuffs when there is the wreaking stench of someones rectal air wafting into others' chest cavities. (the air directly from your ass doesn't have a place in my lungs) I can understand a slip, but not the over powering full blast drop of flatulence that stays in the air as if you've liberally dumped a steamer in your pants and have the audacity to fester in it. I have lived in a fraternity house and I can understand the humor in a well timed volumous fart, not so much when holding peppers and lettuce. I was in checkout line number 4 today at the Glenville Hannafords. Someone stunk. The line was moving slowly, and I stood patiently behind numerous other patrons that were under the spell of funk. I wondered the entire time who could have possibly dropped the bomb. If you have a pensity to eat 8cans of baked beans at a time, or anyother gaseous food...excuse yourself and leave the ass somewhere else. I was in line for what seemed like an eternity. I would only feel bad about this post if it were not the actual cashier, but it was. The stench stayed and got more intense as I approached the credit card swipe. Most places of business have policies allowing workers a couple of 15min breaks throughout the day. Use them and evacuate the flatulate in a timely manner. I don't want your stink on my asparagus, I don't want to have to hear you tee hee and smile that cute little smile at me, chatting me up when you know damn well that you're tiny little 18yr old ass is making me gag. You're cute....yes, but you have the power of the devil and it's leaking profusely out of you. Call the manager, take a break, chomp down some beano or something. I will wait in line if that be the case...your register won't suffer. Nothing turns a normal guy off more than a blatent show of irritable bowel syndrome. That my dear young lass is socially unacceptable. It's unfortunate because the thought popped into my head as soon as all the other patrons had floated through your stink patch. "You will forever be known to me and the Green Goblin"

Note to everyone "J**** the girl at Hannafords is now to be addressed as the Green Goblin" please use said name when standing in the cesspool that is checkout lane #4

I've been having one of these days

Congrats Rob & Erica

Camphone+dancing+a boat=blur

Since I'm still under the effects of the three day rule following a rockstar weekend of wedding reception and multiple hundreds of dollars in bar tabs, I will leave it up to you for now to imagine the weekend just past, and the crazy antics enjoyed by all whom attended. Take a bunch of fraternity guys, booze them up, put them on a boat, and celebration seems to follow suit. I remember the entire evening, but can't focus to expound.

Snipet: I did however lose all my compatriots after a stint on the dance floor at DJ's Night Club rippin' it up with a gaggle o strange birds. Did you know that ladies will dance with just about anyone, specially if he's wearing a tie, it's 3:30-4am, and he's a jackass complete with the worm and spinning drunken breakdancing "I'm in pain" type movements. Maybe they were just as hammered as I was? I've since erased all the evidence from my cam/video phone to keep their ananimity and not horrify them by posting here under .....and other things not-so-holy. Cus it was just that..... Plus I was removing articles of clothing....... my donkey may have been showing. And didn't remember a name from the bunch so out they go.

That was, by far, overshadowed by a quaint little ceremony and friendly faces celebrating two terrific peeps and their choice to go it together. Congrats again.

After the effects of stupidity wear off, I'm thinking by Thursday. I have to figure out how to content myself with nothing to do for one weekend. Huge pile of laundry neglected the last two months? That could be a safe bet. Oh the horror and shock you may feel when you all read this. "I'm not really into having a few beers this weekend, I'm gonna drink iced tea................... and wear my pink gingham skirt."

Last weekend of running around

On that note..... NASA pilots drunk, discuss!?

"If they strapped me in a seat wearing diapers and told me they were going to touch off a rocket sending me shaking at 12G's to eventually travel 17,000mph. I'd take a nip or two as well."

That's a couple of pimp'in ties right there!!!

I have to say that it definitely feels good to put on a selection from the old work duds that were a necessity, prior to becoming a GAzetteer.
.......I think a man feels more like a man when he's working out of doors in the springtime if he can have a bottle of suds. That's only my opinion. It would go down smooth........
..... and he definitely stands up straighter when he wears a suit that makes him look like a god-damned Adonis. Whether it be for work or for a bottle of suds at a wedding reception.....

So what's a guy to do?

Here it is...MY Birfday, yippie haaaa weeeee..... who cares.{click the link, now it's stuck in your head, hahahahahha} What's a guy to do for his birthday after work when the job ends at 3 in the morning, you ask? I'll tell ya what the guy does.

A.) Leave work
B.) Have a beer at home
C.) Grab the Pole and go fishing
D.) Troll the streets of Schenectadirt looking for the one that got away
E.) Hook the big winner
F.) Pay the Hooker on a Bike
G.) Head home and take a WTF?! did I just do shower with steel wool.

or........

Celebrate with a beer and a good book and read until the sun comes up, same as every night.

I checked my horoscope: Romance has certain potential today, attached lions should find themselves enjoying some tender moments, while singles will be able to enjoy a flirty day. However, interruptions in the form of an overly needy friend or colleague might eat into your spare time!
Horoscopes are BULLSHIT and that makes it a #10 day on a scale of 1-10. (10 being the highest or lowest you pick)

I don't have to wear them often but I think tommorrow is a treat yourself to a new tie day for this guy. A Man's gotta be a sexy bitch every now and then, or the sun shines on a dog's ass every now and then. Suit dry-cleaned check, pimped the shoes check, cut the hair........ that's pretty iffy, hair stays. A man has to have his Samson on "if he's to flirt with a dunkin donuts coffee wench: following the advice of some stupid horoscope" , new tie....soon enough.

I also realized that I'm in a transitionary period, I don't love my job enough to stay for a prolonged period of time, yet haven't figured out exactly what & where it is I need to be. Many different questions pop into my head and I haven't got the answers. Grad School?, Museum Admin, again?, Hermit? S&R Dog Trainer? SmokeJumper? Should I try the Fed Air Marshall thing again?Currently the money isn't great, but it's sustaining me for the time being and I pay my bills. Plus it's wicked easy and has limited responsibility attached to it, no supervisory crap and a great bunch of co-workers. I'm not in the right mind set to look for a new gig, and I have a fair amount of time left in the lease 10months of lease actually. So I guess I fester on it for a bit. I'm kinda thinking of a move....a change of scenery...I've done the West already, I've done the North, perhaps the South...like S.C. round-a-bout Greenville SC. Yeah...looking for a job in Greenville SC that's the ticket.

NOW.... enough of the chit chat. Preparations to bag the hooker on the bike begin. At least a good cam-phone pic for hilarity sake.

The reason for making the cut

I realized just a few minutes ago why I made the cut when thy laid a dozen people off earlier in the month. When shit hits the fan at work and there are deadlines to be met, rips for pages go down, numerous ads need to be fixed,( relinked, run through a few different programs, reworked, resized) editors are barking for photos, systems crash, machines catch fire, the editing I am charged with needs to be finished post haste i.e comics and weather, I miss dinner, and there are only a fraction of the necessary people at work due to sick days and vacation time..... I don't get stressed and barring the few minor almost derogatory outbursts at impatient people who really don't know what the Pre-Press department has to deal with in realtime as opposed to pushing paper and computer keys during the day, life moves on. (My co-workers C and K ripped it up,as well)

We had a minor set back with a Horse Racing insert this evening that basically put us backlogged 3 1/2hrs from the normal easy pace which usually makes working here boring and fantastic at the same time. Two of my co-workers weren't here, and a third was fashionable late. After I flexed, pointed toward the door and asked "which way to the gun show" was I was able to sit down to an awesome meal of vending machine sandwich dinnery goodness at 11:30pm. I usually head out around 8, but that got put on hold. By the time all was back on track...no food places are open around here. I played number b8 in the vending machine lottery and won big.

I hope the rest of the evening I uneventful.

Good Idea, Great Idea

Good Idea, invite some folks as the first visitors and "entertaining company" in the new place. Thanks for stopping in Pinto, Jen, Z, Tool,and Denison. [brazed chicken breast, with whitewine and rosemary infused goodness, fresh garlic, red peppers and onion....simmered to falling apart] 74days in the place and one evening of good times. Great idea....packing everybody off to a suprise B-day party and hitting it like rockstars the next day. See Birfday...lower in the cue.

Along with Good times and Great times there come trying times ( and little bits of stress). Apparently having 5 fraternity guys and of course the Miss Jen in my pad was fun, and a little too loud for the downstairs Moldy oldies...they're non-too happy about the entertainment portion of the evening even though we we're respectful as possible with regard to the noise levels. I guess they turned up their hearing aides. Mr. Bigley told me today he was going to mention something to the Landlord about the "raukus" party on Friday, that ended at a respectable 11:30- midnight, when we all decided that it would be beneficial to getting up the next day, to call it an evening.

The rub is.... I've been returning from work at 3am for the 2 months now and walking on pins and needles to trying and not disturb the peeps downstairs( I haven't actually spent an entire weekend at my place for 6 weekends due to traveling). I politely let them know that I would be having guests and that should the occasion arise that it gets too loud for them, they should make the long journey up the 12 steps and knock on my door...at which point the evening disturbance would cease and desist. They never stopped up. One night in 2 months shouldn't be cause for alarm.... heck I didn't even whiz on his door, or toss anyone off the balcony. We weren't jumping around...? how loud can a Pinochle game be? Granted I have stellar hearing and the TV was a bit louder than usual for me.... but not surround sound deafening. Maybe it was the thin doors, I heard Mr. B swearing at his wife just before he approached me just this afternoon.

I hope the Bigleys are calm cool and collected when next we meet, because I love me some jumping up and down and thunderstomping for no reason. I'll even brush my teeth louder if they stop being reasonable people. (I've even considered it from their point of view...which used to be my point of view: when I lived in my first Schnectadirt apt. The upstairs neighbors there were serious thunderstompers, 24/7. It wasn't a one time thing it was constant, I don't have baby crying, and my place is fairly new...the floors don't creak as much, or echo at all. I eventually moved, but had the curtesy to ask them to tone I down a bit...not go directly to the landlord.) Perhaps I'll make a peace offering... or not, who knows when I'll actually have more than a couple people over again.

Good Idea, Great Idea... trying times? F'em, it really shouldn't be an issue I hopes. {welcome to the pseudo-stress of my pathetic existance} little old strangers causing me stress, I can't even come up with something good on my own.

Lazy hits a new low

Link IT! Click away and get your sodium for the week in just one short read.

SO....how do you say "Get the can opener in Japanese" ShaggySan? " 得るaの缶切りを行きなさい "

kankiri = can opener. Sorry I don't have the rest of the romanized text.

Birfdays

HAPPY BIRTHDAY D & KRISTI

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by, motivational impairment, the word Floccinaucinihilipilification "you figure it out, I can't be bothered to post it", and the number 6.

Nothing odd happened

I did some errands this morning around 10am...and fought to keep myself awake. On my retun trip home, I passed a suped up, monster truck tire wearing El Camino, dirt blue and had reb. written all over it. That wasn't so strange...I grew up in Granville NY. As I was looking at said El Camino, I dessimated a small bird with my windshield (no damage to the glass, I'm positive the bird didn't make it...at least with all its feathers). Still not so strange, it's the third bird I've vaporized in as many weeks. When I got home I decided a cup of coffee would do me just fine, the rain had let up so I was sipping coffee on my balcony. By the edge of the hedge row across from my place a lumbering fat bastard of a woodchuck bounded out of the underbrush. Not strange, flora fawna..nature, sipping coffee. Fat woodchuck looked at me, looked around...froze, I didn't move I didn't want to scare him off. He looked toward a tree not to far distant from myself. I looked too. There was another woodchuck slightly smaller just sitting there staring at me. Two woodchucks, staring at me drinking coffee, did they want some? Yes...well at least lumbering slightly larger woodchuck did. Soon after looking to the little one it tore out after it. (I thought gopher/woodchuck fight...this should be good) Turns out big woodchuck wasn't thinking fight. A farly large puff of smoke in the shap of a heart showed the trail he was running. He was thinking "I wants some" and leapt on the smaller presumably female woodchuck and it was on!. Woodchucks humpin'.... now that's not something you see everyday. Nor do you see them playfully rolling around for 20minutes afterward and chasing eachother back and forth in the grass. Odd?! The fact that I watched the entire interaction and was almost late for work. ( SO, Shagz...why are you late for work? "Oh, just some Gopher humpin' .") Is That so? How odd.

There is no.....

There is not try or try not, there is only do or do not. "That's Yoda" I have failed. I held a door open for a Bird leaving the office today, said please and thankyou to free cookies, and haven't either scratched or spat once. 6pts.....again removed. 70 out of a possible 100 makes me want to shave my legs.

oh yeah, and working Friday nights sucks!!!!

Nice old ladies

I was at the supermarket purchasing some odds and ends (Focaccia) that I forgot to include with the blueberry and mango dark rum salsa that I drizzled over my oven roasted chicken for dinner. My tiny fuzzy white ass needs to eat better than I have of late. Of course it was later than normal dinner time, it being 9:30 in the evening. I decided to take it slow and burn a comp hour so I wouldn't have to rush back to the grind. I passed a frail little old lady, with an oxygen tank in her basketed 3wheeled Grocery electric mobile buggy thing. She was staring intently at something on the topshelf. My guesstimate is that the target area of her gaze was no less than 4ft above her head. I stopped, inquired politely if she needed help "finding something" not "getting something" and was promptly told in a nice little old granny voice to mind my own fucking business, and to get the hell away from her, asshole.

In light of her response to my kind gesture, followed by my subsiquent reaction, and the totality of the interaction itself. I will be awarding myself back those 6points lost from the "My badass self image, and self-ranking on the manly scale" that I knocked off earlier in the week. Rather than overturning the electric tricycle and flicking a lighter near her pure oxygen sniffing haggard old crusty nose- igniting her hair in a blue Q-tip flame of glory, I peacefully and politely excused myself and apologized for my err in offering my assitance.

For the next 3days, I will not be opening doors for the ladies, I will be scratching my twig and berries in public, should I feel the need to clean house, a booger diggin' I will go! followed by flickage in a chicks general direction, I'm farting when I please, burping loudly when ever possible and spitting in public. I'm not showering or brushing my mop until Saturday. I may even just leave my zipper down for the duration to air things out a bit. I'm calling every new girl I meet a Bird or a Lizard, and staring at their assets while engaged in politically incorrect conversation.

In the future should someone that grew up in the lap of chivalry in this country speak to me in that manner, I'll continue with my normal daily routine....

And I'm Snapping into a Slim JIM. OOOOOOOOOooooooH YEEEeeeeeaaaaah!!! Granny's getting an earful from a disrespectful foul mouth 32yr old hooligan, that looks like a hippy, and is down right intimidating when you're sitting in a grocery buggy thing until either she drowns in tears or I get banned for life from whatever store I may be in. "I have bread" and tried to be helpful.

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by The Gold Bond Family Of Products. Gold Bond has been providing trusted, quality skin care solutions for nearly 100 years. Throughout our rich history, people have come to rely on the hard working healing power of Gold Bond’s therapeutic formulas - something we don’t take for granted. As a result, we’ve continued to grow our product line to meet the expanding needs of our loyal consumers, the word Sizzle : 1siz·zle Pronunciation: 'si-z&l
Function: verb Inflected Form(s): siz·zled; siz·zling /'si-z&-li[ng], 'siz-li[ng]/ Etymology: perhaps frequentative of siss to hiss
transitive verb : to burn up or sear with or as if with a hissing sound intransitive verb 1 : to make a hissing sound in or as if in burning or frying 2 : to seethe with deep anger or resentment, and the number 2.

Geese

7/10/07 Last year about this time, there was an uproar about Geese infesting Collins Park and making it unsafe for human interaction. It was covered extensively in the Gazette and no doubt will be again this year. The rival publications really didn't care too much about the foul. Goose poo + people wanting to picnic = geese B-Gone. Today marks the first mention of leasing a Border collie to rid the Park of the plague Goo, last year tree huggin people without anything better to do went kayaking in the lake/pond to shoo the birds away [I love me some huggin of trees, I also love me some goose dinner if you catch what I'm thrown'in]......

......""in related news that is infinitely less important and covered by our rival paper 07/10/07"" (double quotes in this case denote severe sarcasm). The TSA was able to pass 5 homemade explosive devices through the Albany International Airport's check in/carry on. (the story even made FARK, there's a link over on the left) Granted they weren't labeled with ACME, and there were no notes alluding to the virtual feast of bomb materials that they put on a platter and sent through without a bite. Once astute checker of safety/make plane ride safe/type person, even asked one of the undercover officials to remove a bottle of water that was placed in plain view next to a mass of wires, and batteries of some sort. Wile E Coyote is salavating. I'm psyched he's a Good Ol Boy.


.....in still better yet, related news, nevermind the above story wasn't even mentioned in the paper I work for. I say G-Damn it..... they have a dog to scare geese out of a pond and that my fine friends make my ass feel safer. Knowing that a "Border Collie" is on the job and geese won't shit in my soda bottle. If a plane happens to blow up 12minutes away and spray wreckage on my apartment I only hope it isn' the blue water.

Maybe I could make the cut this time to become a Federal Air Marshall, and be the guy with the water bottle and mass of kaboom trying to make it through security. I'll even buy me a Border Collie and take'm along for the ride.

Thunderclap

This morning at the unGodly hour of 7am, 7:02am to be exact I was woken (awakened?, woke, awake-ed) by a bright flash of light. It startled me beyond anything I have experienced to date. Heart racing, upset stomach, pseudo-heart mitrovalve prolapse type shit. Skip a beat and swallow hard. Since I have triple thick curtains and limo tinting on my balcony sliding doors there was no explanation for the bright light; other than, I thought immediately at the time "Aliens are coming to give me a probe" I don't want the extraterrestrial butt whammy..... Of course, a split second after my irrationality a monsterous thunderclap followed the flash. The beginning of a thunderstorm had conveinently started 4ft feet from my balcony with a bolt that split a 60 or 70ft tree in half. I normally enjoy thunderstorms, I like thunder, I can't wait to see lightning it amazes me to see such power. Only this morning I didn't realize that the reason my hair was standing on end wasn't bed head. ( I have a serious mop on my melon, and it's standard to be discombobulated when I get out of my coffin in the afternoon) I had been re-arranging my bedroom and my incredibly comfortable bed was relegated to in front of the balcony doors. Not anymore I can tell you. Any time you wake up from a thunderclap and immediately think the Aliens are coming to get you it's time to re-situate the sleeping arrangements to where they were previously. I quickly fell back asleep to the sound of the pouring rain [insert any cheesy song that includes "sound of pouring rain"]. My badass self image, and self-ranking on the manly scale just dropped 6points.

I don't believe in aliens, and if I did I would be pretty firm in my belief that they could care less about the people of earth. We suck in general. We're a degenerative disease, a cancer of the planet. And sometimes...oh, sometimes we kick puppies. Lightning, thunder and all.

Somedays......

<==== Somedays you don't feel like being the good guy. I've officially changed the photo over there to reflect: the pissed off asshat that comes out when I don't get enough sleep, don't get enough booze, feel like being the meathead that everyone hated in High school, looking like a rockstar, feeling tough, being a fraternity guy and all it entails, walking down the street in Sch'dirt, chatting with bikers at stop lights, scaring little kids in the supermarket while searching for Carvel icecream bunny cakes, when I'm driving, when I'm talking to cops in Lake George or Saratoga or Schenectady or Potsdam or Boston or Syracuse or Bozeman or Big Sky or Oneonta or Burlington or Manchester or anywhere else I've spoken to Police in an official business like setting for them, when I feel like feeling like a guy who is muscular must feel, when I shoot pool, when I have to work on a regular day off, if it's sunny out and I feel like wearing a hat backwards, most generally most lately.

I think it works for me. Now all I have to do is start treating people like shit on a regular basis, buy a bonsai tree, and all my dreams will come true. Or at least I'll get a blue cheese and horseradish crusted steak out of the deal.

Running out of Gas

This past weekend was just as I expected. Unfortunately I didn't get to do all the things I had planned on the agenda. The Friday BAchelor party was fun.... ran into Beuf's Bar. Lost my Credit Card somewhere out on Lake George doing 80mph in the pitch black of night. I felt like a drug runner...it was awesome. I'm Pretty sure that a Credit card can't swim seeing as how they don't have arms or legs. Saturday was the furniture move, which started later than expected due to the Hunt for C.C. Red October. IN the house...no....at the bars....NO.....in the lake?....most likely. By the time all was said and done couch out, couch in, trailor, recliners, chairs, dressers, in, out, in , out....transported to my place, in, up and done., It was too late and I was shy just about 9hrs of sleep, to attempt the drive to CT. The celebration for Steve and Rachels gettin' hitched 9hrs after the ceremony was alive and kickin when I got a call wondering where the hell I was. When the furniture was loaded and packed into my place and the placement was finished, I had made it three steps closer to the bedroom when the specific gravity of said new couch in my place sucked me in and didn't let go until 3pm today. I have no doubt that should I have tried to drive down to the celebration, they would be peeling me off the side of the road wrapped around a Mack truck...still sleeping gently in a pudding like state somewhere near Poughkeepsie..

First opening I get I have to drive down and apologize in person with Stogies and a few uber expensive bottles of Andre' Cham"pain". ok, ok I'll bring a bottle of Dom...but the case of Andre is less expensive being that it's only 3$ a bottle.

Miss Rachel, Steve.... apologies for my absence.

In the shadows

After returning home from work Thursday at 2am, I was ready for a great big day of relaxing. I took the normal route to the Oasis, T-minus 5minutes of travel and a much needed after work beer. When I pulled into the complex there was a pleasant gentle breeze. My now {normal parking spot was open as per the neighbors leaving it for me}. You still have to love territoriality and the benefits it can afford you no matter how old you get. (just don't use MY F-in' crayons bitch!).

I stepped out of my truck, glanced at the light shining over the locked entrance way to my building started my not so laborious walk carrying my spent tupperware dinner containers, man-purse around my shoulders and keys at the ready..... when I heard a voice.

Some dude, was walking out of the shadows toward me. Instantly thanks to the ""old neighborhood"", fight or flight had me glance at the door, then with ninja cat-like reflexes (Because a ninjacat is just that much faster than a regular ninja) I had a blade shining in the light and was inquiring why said monkey had decided to startle me and whether or not he was willing to get cut up for said offense. Here's the interaction between middle aged fat lard scaring people on the way into their apartment bastard (FL, Fat Lard) and knife weilding ready to gut you if you blink wrong=> me (DH, Dirty Harry).

~FL... "Hey man can you give me a ride to Brandywine and State, my mother lives down the way in another building and I couldn't wake her, to give me a ride home" "she's 70yrs old."
~DH..."Your Mom is 70 and you're banging on her door at 2:30am expecting to wake her to give you a ride to crack corner in Sch'dirt?"
~FL... "I have cash I can give you for gas"
~DH.."take a step back chief, I'll call you a cab"
~FL..."I only have 3$, not enough for a cab"
~DH.."What the F are you doing 8miles from where you want to be, walking around at 2:30am, asking people for rides from peeps with 3 F'in dollars?"
~FL...."you looked young, I didn't think one of the old people here would listen to me"
(2:35am)
~DH..."You think you're Mother would have gotten up to drive your ass up there?"
~FL... "probably not"
~DH..."what makes you think a stranger would give you a lift?"
~FL..."I was at the K-mart up the street, and thought I'd walk over here to my mothers to ask for a ride."
~DH..."There's no Kmart up the street..."
~FL ..."could you give me a lift?"
~DH..."How much would you give me for gas money should I decide to give you a lift?"
~FL.."I only have 10dollars"
~DH...Back the fuck up man"
~FL..."I just need a ride" ( approaches DH, and then sees glimmer of blade)
~FL..."whoa man, no need to be hostile"
~DH..."I'm headed into the building, I'm calling a cab, your ass is going to stay away from my truck, and wait in the middle of the parking lot in the light until the cab shows up, or you're headed to Glenville PD's finest hotel room."
~FL "F-U, man....."
~DH...."guess it's the G-ville police then I'm sure they'll give you a ride home" (DH almost has time to hit send on the cel phone that he had dialed 911 on covertly)

G-ville PD shows up; sketchball is waiting in the light in the center of the parking lot well away from my truck. Mom Dukes had already called the police and they had been on their way.

Enter, (BA, Bad Ass ginormous thunderstick weilding Copmonster, 6'6" 280lbs, wearing shades and carrying a flashlight/nightstick/bazooka combo. less than 2min later.)

~FL..."that som-bitch called you?, FU man, that's bullshit"
~BA..."what seems to be the problem?"
~DH.. (reiterates, whole scene)
~BA...(tells story from FL's Mom's perspective with restraining order)
~DH..."Fair enough I'm going to bed" (basic, report filing)
~BA..."FL you're under arrest for violating an order of protection."

(FL gets chauffered away wearing silver braclets by BA).

Total time lapse 10minutes. July 4th, standard day right off. WTF!?

This is a Post

This is a post that has more substance than the last three weeks of posts.

Stepping out of the Norm.

I decided today that, I wanted to try my hand at the lottery, not the vending machine lottery but the Win 4 Life lottery. I scratched diligently and carefully trying to make it a cliffhanger. So slowly I scratched hoping to see a shit-ton of "Win" or a great prize in the prize area.... I should stick to the things that I know. B6 wins me a Lipton Iced Green Tea. it costs just about the same and is twice as refreshing.

I have tommorrow off so I won't have to be here at work, and I'm trying to decide how to celebrate the Independence of Our fine country. I think that I'm going to Commute to the local beer store on my Scooter and buy me some tasty cold British Beers, set a Bush on fire and watch a baseball game with grilled weenies and peanuts.

twits using my oxygen

The New Zealand Herald reports ........"Lindsay Lohan has been tipped to play Paris Hilton in a movie of her life. The Mean Girls actress, who is currently in Malibu's Promises rehab centre, could also be joined by Britney Spears on the project. A source told Britain's Daily Mail newspaper: "There have already been negotiations with a major film company to make the Paris Hilton biopic with Lindsay Lohan playing Paris - with Britney Spears singing the soundtrack."..........

I'm going to have to think really hard not to be rude when saying anything about this particular topic. And it has to be true, cuz I got the Hollywood Gossip from a paper based in New Zealand....they have hobbits and shit down there.

I've spent the majority of the evening trying to look busy at work, being as offkilter as I am. It's not that I partied like a rockstar to the extent that I almost wore black leather stinky pants and sang Kareoke, leaving the rest of my crew to play in the Air Band behind me. I don't do stuff like that. The amount of retardation that I normally subject myself to on a given weekend was pretty comperable to this weekends madness. It was definitely the driving that kept me from resting, and the scheduling that made it impossible to catch anything even remotely like sleep except for the 5min power nap I took on Gonzo's couch ;after the return trip from CT, before heading to the Hellfire and Brimstone party. Refreshing no so much...it felt too good to close my eyes and then have to hop on the bus to whoop it up for another 12hrs. I ate a ton of food, which is different than my normal diet on the weekends, and didn't really lace up my drankin boots that tight. This evening I'm going to hope and pray that I don't get into the same mode I was in last week at his time, staying awake until wednesday.

The upcoming weekend has more jam packed fun in store. Here's the break down. Friday afternoon, an Early dinner at the Water's Edge.... I take flight to Lake George for a Bachelor Party (Bars close at 4am) I get up, Sat morning to race home and be here for the new couchs' arrival. A quick Shower and pimping of the suit and tie variety to hit the road for South Eastern CT and a wedding. Tie one on at the after reception, I'll be pimped out, so it's going to be a Scotch night. Find a suitable place sleep like in the passenger seat of my truck. Sunday I have a B-B-Que to attend in the early aftermorning back in Glenville, followed by work until 3am. Caffiene and Nicotine fueled ball of energy That's what I'll be.

I'll be away on Wednesday unfortunately they've decided to give me a paid holiday, Strange enough, I've never had one of those before. This place rocks with all it's hurry up and wait, paychecks, and paid holidayness. I think I'll stick it out for another year or so.

June 29th - 30th

UGH.............. not quite feeling like typing, but will mention an AR-15 with grenade launcher, laser, and flashlight, and a blowtorch. Give a dog a bone already. Both of which I was able to get my hands on prior to the Super-Que and firework display of champions back closer to my homestead.....

To describe the weekend I can only say that I'm Shattered tired right now, and definitely had a quality time.

Yet another weekend approaches

It's high time that another glorious weekend is soon to be in full swing. This weekend will be the beginning of my tsunami month of July. It all begins tommorrow morning at 10am (an ungodly hour for the likes of this guy). Armpits @sshole crotch and teeth, a cup of coffee and then I hit the road for CT. Panini and keggy weg for lunch followed by a relaxing evening trying to find the bottom of the barrel. It's only a 2hr jaunt so making it back for the July30th-4th of july party at 3pm on Sat shouldn't be a difficult task. When I arrive back at the homestead and once again cleans the necessities, I'll nap for an hour, wait for my ride to Spanky's lounge and then jump balls deep into a swimming pool filled with ice and beer. After the deep freeze when the light passes over the horizon, Spanky's Lounge's patriarch will be unleashing hellfire and brimstone to the tune of 4k worth of loud, and bright aerial fireworks. The asshats I arrived with and I will then retire to the tikibar and imbibe tasty cool beverages from coconuts until sunrise.

Be back Sunday, listing to the right 30 degrees and unable to type coherantly.


.....after 12 coats of gesso each, and an inordinate amount of time I'm finally ready to get creative with my bad self. Above are the panels ready for paint. To help judge the scale, I've left a size 11 1/2 Adidas trail runner at the bottom right and the outlet to the left is standard. Since I'm leaning toward minimal most of the background white isn't going to change. Once I've finished and allowed the piece to dry and the varnish to set, and install it, I'll post a few more pics. It won't be for some time...I can't focus in on a decent composition. The quality of the pic, and the "not quite settled in the new place lighting" sucks, I apologize for that.

If it looks alright, via the principles of asthetics and design, I'll be trying to compose similar pieces to generate a body of work worthy of public display. Emo my shit silly and whore myself out to the 5th gallery that is interested in selling it for me. As far as self promotion goes, once the majority of a body of work is completed....I mass email the 300artists that I regularly keep in touch with from my stint as Exhibition Coordinator and Sales Director at the Southern Vermont Arts Center. I've hinted to colleagues that I'm ready to produce and have gotten warm reception from venues in VT, MA, and Upstate NY with allusions to name dropping and personal contacts for others. A possible birth in the near future?!. Hear-say, conjecture...and possible blowing of sunshine.

It's taken me 8yrs to get motivated, and have a space large enough make it possible. F*ck that Noise!

ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment

When living in an Apartment building that only houses 8 individual units. It's a safe bet that when you run into your upstairs neighbor for the first time. (the one that is constantly being mindful not to thunderstomp or create auditory chaos above you) that you try to seem pleasant. Especially if said upstairs neightbor = Me, is being sociable and asking if there have been any instances where it was a bit too loud or unaccomodating informing you that he is willing to take steps to not cause any undue stress in your life. If you yourself choose to be an incompatible bitch and your hubby hasn't the slightest bit of ambition for a courtesy handshake, you may not like the next arrival of your upstairs neighbor or his Marilyn Manson blasting off at 4am when he returns from work, the head banging, or the bouncing around that may ensue. (My World is an Ashtray, and you're not going to enjoy the Sweet Dreams). Hop on the bandwagon and follow the example of the other 6 Apartment dwellers in the building, put on a happy face even if it's fake.

I'll refrain from becoming That Guy but only until the second meeting, at which point if the hospitality doesn't turn itself on, all bets are off. Be kind, and I won't knock on your door at 2am after a night out on the town and ask you for a burrito.


Second hint of the moment, it's better to shit yourself than use anything even remotely like this.......

Sleeep

I was able to snag a few hours of sleep last night. Actually..... my body shut down at 4am and I slept until 4pm. Sleep is not over-rated. I used to think it was but I'm older and not even close to being wiser...being older is reason enough. Hopefully I won't ever have a relapse into the same mode I was in for the last three days, that just sucked, hardcore sucked.

3 days from now the month of "exhaustively busy" begins with a jaunt to Somers CT. Vinnie BAg'O New House. I can't wait to travel more than the truck needs and get my rockstar mojo going to exponential proportions. I refuse to wear leather stinky pants though.

I'm 3/4's of the way prepared for the studio session.
I'm thinking of buying a new suit or a dirtbike, I can't decide which I would use or need less.
There a yottle in my bottle and I can't get it out.
Aquafina bottle water isn't as good as Vermont Pure.
An 32" LCD flatscreen TV is within reach.
I have nothing but beverages and condiments in my fridge.
Laundry is optional given the heirarchy of smell test and basic lack of care as to whether there are bleech stains or pasta sauce on shit.
It's balls stuck to the leg hot today.
My neighbors are non-existant but that doesn't give me the right to get my paper after walking down the hall of my Apt. building in tighty whities and a wife beater, again.
I'm shedding like a dog.
Tonight is goign to be a boring evening at the GAzette.

CONGRADULATIONS!!!

Miss Becky and Solo have announced that they are officially goin' to get hitched. I can't say enough cool things about these two individuals. Of the Shaggy Bob's Top Twenty list of "Quality" people.... they're up there. Congradulations and all the best. WOOooooooooooooo!!!

Todays Randomness

Today's Randomness is brought to you by insomnia, the word EXECRABLE : ex·e·cra·ble Pronunciation: 'ek-si-kr&-b&l
Function: adjective 1 : deserving to be execrated : DETESTABLE 2 : very bad : WRETCHED, and the number 57 (hrs.)

Deep Sleep (over-the-counter) sleeping pills
THE SHIT IT DOES :
Induces sleep
Reduces frequency and length of sleepless periods
Have a sound, calm and refreshing sleep
Calms the nervous system
Helps body muscles to relax
Contributes to the reduction of symptoms associated with anxiety, stress and depression
Highly effective anti-spasmodic

THE SHIT THAT'S IN THERE:
Reishi Mushrooms (Prevention of diseases, such as insomnia, hypertension, headache, stomach ache. Favour relaxation and stress relief, reduce tiredness & weakness)
Zizyphi fruit (Most popular sedative herb. Calms spirit, reduces anxiety & stress and promotes sleep. The product is safe and beneficial to the liver.)
Rhodiola rosea (Antioxidant for nervous system)
Schisandra (Tonic, immune system, antioxidant)
5-HTP (Symbol for serotonin, adjusts serotonin level, can give your emotions stability and balance)
Safflower (Acts liver channels)
Hawthorne Berries (Helps to reduce stress)
Wolfberry (Blood tonic, liver & eye tonic, calming properties and blood pressure)
St-John's wort (Treatment for mild to moderate depression and reduces anxiety)

HELL anything that has both Zizyphi fruit, AND Wolfberry can't be bad for ya. I'm gonna eat this stuff like popcorn. As long as Wolfberry isn't a code word for dogshit, and Zizyphi isn't a 300lb transvestite stripper/hooker. I'll be golden.

T-minus 45minutes until my pillow jumps up and attaches itself to my face a la LV-426, and doesn't let go for hours.

1/2 way there with the panel prep. It pays to forego sleeping and put in a 6 hours of mindless application of gesso to panels. I wasn't even the least bit stunned that the birds were chirping when I decided that I was covered enough in white to try and make the uneventful attempt at snoozing. Ever stare at the ceiling wondering why you can't sleep even though you are super tired? I put in a good 4hrs trying to lull myself into R.E.M. Sheep count 1,000,001 No dice. Now, I'm a caffiene and nicotene fueled ball of retarded. I dozed off for a few immediately upon arrival at my desk. It's going to be a muther of a night.

End it already

I've officially been awake since Saturday at nooner, there's something disorderly about that. The evening at work, super boring. .... not even a hint of sleepy. It's time to head home and take some drugs. If I haven't slept by work tommorrow I can absolutely gaurantee a big winner post. incoherant ramblings and allusions about the perfect potato flying over the desert in a canoe until the roof falls off, then it'll be a matter of judging how many pop-tarts it takes to cover a bathroom floor. And no answers with "toaster's don't have ears and Icecream has no-backbone" count.

I'm hunting Zzzzzz's

New Responsibility

After last weeks culling of the not so recently hired, I'm back at work and have been told that since there is a shortage of people for certain positions now.... I'm going to be training to become a Paginator. If you don't know what that is, don't fret..it's a fancy way of saying "take this comp. file and place it on this page in this program so that nothing else moves or looks shitty for the paper, rinse and repeat as necessary for that healthy pro-vitamin glow." It's a job that my supervisors are doing now for way more cash than I'm paid...and perhaps down the road I'll be able to slip into that role and the higher tax bracket.[Either here at the Gazette or for some other publication in the area] It's a good thing basically. It pads the resume, could be a direction that would move me up in the heirarchy and or make me more marketable, of course it's just about as boring if not more than what I'm doing now.

This weekend was pretty lame on the rockstar scale, and wouldn't even make it into the Top 100 weekends of Shaggy's All Time Monkey Fun list. I did however get ahold of some gesso and started priming my panels for the installation. To properly get the base down on the panel it only takes about 10 coats of the gesso, give or take. I finished one of the four and it only took a combined time of 9hrs, I staggered the others in between coats and did this poorly planned rotation thing to keep myself occupied while the previous coats of ground were drying. It actually puts me just over 1/3rd of the way to being able to start the design aspect of the piece. ( It's going to be a minimal composition, but that means that more thought has to be put into the finished design instead of relying on my tried and true method of sliding around hap-hazardly and hoping for the best. abstract check!). I'm still toying with the idea of using Lapiz Lazuli, something about that blue really does it for me specially wih the gold flecks.

The wedding season is on the doorstep, the month of July is booked. I'll be able to get out and travel when August gets here. Maybe even get out on a course and use my severely neglected golf clubs. They're gathering dust, and are a little bit pissed off at me.

Divine Hitchhiking

This guy is making a pilgrimage through the Capital district , on his way to visit all the jesuseseses around the world. He needs a lift...... and a shower. Hook a Brother up.

I myself am going to eat crackers and drink boxed wine.

Until Sunday a bid you.....

Jesus in a tree has seen, and, endorses this message.

Making the CUT

Today I arrived at work to a solemn bunch of MoMos milling about in a daze. Of course being the guy that I am..I was fairly chipper and laughing away joking a fair bit and completely oblivious to what apparently was going on. My immediate design supervisor approached me upon my entrance in the building and offered me a smoke....( strange I thought, but since I'm trying to quit the ol lung darts it was a good reason to put that off for a bit.) we chatted for a short time and then she said that "I'm safe"... I haven't played baseball since Jr. High, and I'm usually more prone to play wiffle-beer....which basically amounts to if you didn't spill your beer running to first base you are definitely safe.

I found out that the Gazette was in the mood to save some cash money, and they decided the best plan of attack for that would be to lay people off. 12 in total were let go today. Total years of service for the Gazette spread amoungst them was just shy of 200yrs. I'm humble I've only been here for 1 1/2yrs and yeah...I do nothing of great importance, never have a full plate, and spend the majority of my down time trying to find the end of the intarwebb. I'm still a bit shocked that they would axe someone that was with the company for 28yrs much less all the other peeps. My direct over-all super supervisor hasn't made his way to work yet so an impending life change may still be in the cards. I'm apprehensive, a bit nervous.... and not too sure of what is going to happen. SO, perhaps it's time to hop on the old 10 Museum job websites again and scatter the "over qualified" resume to entry level openings across the conuntry, once again.

If you know of any opening in Musuems or non-profit institutions around your neck of the woods (exhibition Coordinator, Registrar, Preparator, Assistant Director, Collections Management) send the info along and you may have a new neighbor in the coming weeks. (It just sucks that I finally moved in to a place that I can finally call home)

I can see some serious bruxism for the next few evenings.

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is once again brought to you by MAC DERMID: Printing Solutions, NAPPflex III printing plates. The word: LACERATION lac·er·a·tion Pronunciation: las--r-shn Function: noun 1 : the act of lacerating, 2 : a torn and ragged wound, and the number 5.

Someday I will be more careful while playing with 1.5mm aluminum plates that have edges honed to surgical sharpness, today I just threw caution to the wind and did the disco hustle. ah, aah, aah, oww, aaaaahh...Stayin' Alive

And for your viewing pleasure Jesus in a tree trunk......


.....cuz if a fake diety were to be anywhere, it's in a GOD damned tree trunk in Tennessee. O'Darwin RULZ!!!!

Aftermath

After the torrent thunderboomers last evening and a boring night at the old grind I woke up prior to usual this morning to a beautiful sunny day, gentle breeze and a french press full of a specially blended mixture of my own concoction. Far beit from my normal life to waste the daylight hours away contemplating doing something useful for once while the sun is still up and heating the planet. er, uh....yeah.

SO....I started priming the panels that are going to become the installation in my livingroom. 4 panels, 28" x 84", and not enough primer. Malwart didn't have what I was looking for so I went to the local art supply warehouse and decided that perhaps I should pay rent before buying the necessary pigments to cover the panels. It's not like I was thinking of hooking myself up with Lapiz Lazuli or something.....god forbid more expensive. I just wanted some gesso so that I could correctly prepare the panels for oil paint. Art warehouse....gesso....rent,Hmmmm make a decision, right? SO for the rest of this month I'll be begging for OT at the Gazette, and eating like a Ramen gourmet. Impulse (check) level headed forsight with regard to responsibility (not so much). It's never too late to put off being an adult afterall.

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by Lettieri's Philly Cheese Steak sandwiches, the word Scorched Function: verb
to burn on the surface, and the number 2:45 (Min, the time it takes to blister the roof of your mouth after not waiting the ascribed 1min to cool).

Hunger is no reason to say to hell with direction. I'm such an Ass

AIR SHAGGY, fly the best

Today I was sitting on my balcony...just passing the time with a good book in the sun (can you believe it?). I was deep into the rammifications of Homer's contributions to modern poetry when out of the sun a bird of prey came screaming down a la Japanese Zero toward a US Aircraft carrier circa 1943. After the initial startledness wore away, I began to think there had to be a reason that a talon bearing bird decided to buzz my balcony. It wasn't due to the Odyssey I was certain. I looked around my outdoor digs and found a visitor trying to break into my apt by way of Air conditioning vent. He was almost in when I caught the little guy. He must have been frightened exponentially more than myself after the dive bombing hawk made its appearance. That and being on my balcony, where height and size are completely relative..would have been like me holding on for dear life 70 stories up as an Apache decided to do a dance with me. I'm not afraid of heights where I know that I'll die should I fall (like an airplane crash) I am however frightened to death of falling say off the top of a ladder where I know that I'll just bust shit up and have to talk out of the side of my mouth after the paralyzing rapid stop at the bottom.



I made my way back into the kitchen to get the little guy a bite to eat...he enjoyed the better part of a cracker while sitting on my deck table...after which he and I had a chat about the prospect of his ever living should he decide to get into my apartment. I basically told him that if I should find him enjoying any tasty treats directly from my kitchen that he would inevitably collect for himself a free flight on AIR SHAGGY. Departure: My balcony....Arrival: The duck pond 70ft away after a brief hangtime. While enroute he would have to fend for himself with regard to any bogies with talons that may be in that airspace.

After our chat I picked him up, brought him through the apartment (Showing him the Shangri la he would be missing)downstairs to the front door and let him go on his merry way under the camoflage of a pine tree.

Good luck my little friend I hope for your sake that we never meet again.

GOD BLESS'em!

I'm not talking about a Stripper at Double Vision, I'm not talking about a helpful young waitress that I definitely caught staring at my junk at dinner on Saturday evening, I'm referring to the woman at the Hannaford's supermarket that was having a heated debate with her teenage daughter. I pulled into a parking space across and one up from the dynamic duo and witnessed that they were in a verbal skuffle back and forth in their car, teenage girl passenger and I only assume Moms sitting behind the wheel.

I exited my vehicle, and made the mistake of walking past the driver side door of their car. During the frackus battle of; no doubt, wit and sarcasm I happened to be passing Moms door when it flew open and tagged me in the twig and berries. I didn't go down, cuz in the back of my head;...actually during the out of body experience I was having looking over my own shoulder, I had seen it coming a mile away but the apparition me, couldn't tap the real me on the shoulder. Corner of a door + my crotch + the speed with which the door was traveling = loss of breath, a vertical bruise, and trouble sitting much less deciding on the grocery list that went by the wayside. I take solice in the fact that their Arguement about Shrek 3 stopped at the very moment of contact and didn't progress between the two byrds. God Bless'em and their foresight to save me the anguish of hearing about Princess Fiona when my balls were slowly recovering from the thunder clap. For fear of getting blocked by everyone on the net there is no camera phone picture goodness of the black and blue line crossing my wang and stones.

No public viewings have been scheduled.

This Weekend's Randomness

This weekend's randomness is brought to you by, laundry, the word corybantic : \kor-ee-BAN-tik\ : adjective
: like or in the spirit of a Corybant; especially : wild, frenzied, and the number 907.18474 kilograms.

This message sponsored by US mint quarters, TIDE, Bounce, Spanish Peaks Brewery, and Slim Jim Products Co.

See you all Sunday

Damned Doritos

So..... we have a new worker in our group that basically does data input for us graphically adept people to incorporate into our designs and make pretty for the Newspaper. She types We cut and paste. To date, she really doesn't have a work station of her own so two days a week I roll into work and she's at my computer, the desktop is different, the dock is in a different place, my font-charts are disheveled and there's no room to put my coffee in its regular spot. The chair has been raised up to accomodate her posterior, my party-in-a-vest has to wait to warm the back of said chair, and she's usually munching on one of the delectable little snacks I have in my candy drawers. [I'm a graphic designer...what do you expect me to have in my drawers, legal documents?] She's only here for 2hrs of my shift, two wonderfully displaced hours of pure territoriality mongerness of my shift. 4hrs a week. It really doesn't get me too heated, I can re-adjust everything back to where it should be and go about my evening when she leaves. BUT tonight.......oh tonight, to-NITE my Dorito's were stale when I opened the freshly purchased bag and god damn it....I'm F-in Pissed!!!!!! (Six G-Damned exclamation points of pissed) F*ckin' Doritos!! F*ck'em in their Arse with an orange capt'n caveman wiffle ball bat sideways. Cool Ranch that Asshats.





....retro A&W, you're still cool.

ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment

When ordering food at a restaruant, should the food come out of the kitchen not as perfect as you like it, it's acceptable to send it back to have it cooked your way once. Should it come out the second time just a bit off but closer to the way you do actually like it, refrain from returning it to the kitchen a second time. As a person aquainted with the food service industry and more importantly a one time cook myself...the second return can only bring about hostility to not only you , by the server and the cook...but may also liberate a haneous expectorant or some other nasty foodie degredation on your behalf.

These people don't make the best wages and aren't actually in the same frame of mind as yourself, along with your returned meal they also have to prepare others' food. The second "I don't like it" is a slap in the face and tolerance basically goes out the door at that point.

I've witnessed 1 return, 2 returns, and 3 returns.... (2 got a re-heat to medium well by way of a 5 second rule violation) (3 got a sneeze after the 5 second rule violation).

Not all places are this way, 4 star dining establishments with Head chefs are above it. If you are at a diner and Mel is behind the counter listening to Flo bitch at him don't send it back.

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by, losing the vending machine lottery (i.e B6 is still hanging), the word atrabilious ~ \at-ruh-BIL-yus\ ~ adjective 1 : given to or marked by melancholy : gloomy *2 : ill-natured, peevish, and the number 0.65.

ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment

After re-reading my post about the ShaggyBob School of Attitude Adjustment (Of which I am extrodinarily proud by the way...yet still no calls for help) I decided that there are many people out there that could benefit in various ways by modeling my life. So In addition to "Todays Randomness", which by now you have noticed is fairly random. I will also be adding "ShaggyBob's Self-Help hints of the Moment"

ShaggyBob's Self-help hint of Moment:
Watching your weight:

Should you yourself want to become 6'1" and weigh 160lbs look emaciated, skeletorish and severely goonie. Here's how I do it. I eat two good sized meals a day, I eat whatever is put or cooked in front of me. I'm not bashful...every meal I eat until I think I'm going to explode...then stuff in some more until it pains me for hours. If it's greasy or not it's not a big deal....eat a shit-ton of food! Inbetween these gastronomic feats of self indulgence I snack very frequently on candy, granola...and small sandwiches, chips..,rodents and anything else that strikes my fancy at that particular moment.

I only drink Water, Coffee, Beer, Wine and Booze. Occasionally I treat myself to Iced Tea. That being said, in addition to the ginormous set of meals pounded down like a starving third world urchin, each weekend tack on at least 2 cases of beer. It doesn't have to be in one sitting although I've tried many times. The quality of beer has nothing to do with the slimming effects of the diet. Light beer just means tacking on an additional 12 or 24 to the grand total for the weekend.

Exercising regularly is a sure fire way to keep off the weight, here's my daily workout: I wake up....I lug the donkey in to pee, I shower, I cook, and I do nothing else...save for the times I'm sitting on my ass watching the tube, or reading a trashy book/magazine/gumwrapper/ some damned bill.

Getting enough sleep is paramount, I tend to go to bed around 5-5:30 am (of course that's due to my work schedule, we have to abide by the rules of the money God and trudge to work everyday) I'll usually sleep until about 2-2:30 in the afternoon unless I feel like keeping my eyes closed and could quite possibly at that point sleep until 5-5:30 in the evening until I have to get up for work. Stay rested...I find that in order to keep myself in the rugged shape that I'm in and not lose any sleep over it I stretch out for about 9-10hrs a day.

It works for me....why shouldn't it work for you. Oh and having a metabolism that puts the efficiency of a nuclear powerplant to shame doesn't hurt either.

Dining room Additon

I officially have a dining room table in my place, well...as per me....I officially have a standard pub table with which to eat off.

l would have gone for the 18 person Mahogany conference type dining room table with the high back medieval hand-carved one off chairs, but I didn't think it would be my style, I live alone, and I couldn't get 18 people in my apartment without the table or chairs much less with. I'm fairly comfortable standing or sitting on a stool at a pub with table near me.... SO that's how I rolled. Next up...a deep fryer and a recipe for McDuff's Blue Cheese. I think my heart just stopped...nope, just a bit thicker with the old artery walls.

Beer fridge on tap.

Oh and I forgot...in that last post. "Betty White, You're on the list...You always were my favorite Golden Girl you little Minx"

That'll learn'em

I've decided that in lieu of the West Coast starlet/celebrity crisis and the impending future ridiculosity that I will gladly offer my services. The ShaggyBob School of Attitude Adjustment is now open for business. It's a simple way for young hot celebrities out yonder, to finally get the attention that they most assuradly are lacking in their personal lives, right the wrongs that they have produced for society and gain some self respect that attention whores need to survive in this oh so terrible world.

The ShaggyBob School of Attitude Adjustment is there for you ladies. My simple yet effective attitude adjustment system is nothing short of the latest and greatest throwback to a by gone era of smartening you right the fuck up. Simply pay the modest $35,000/hr fee and I will be more than happy to travel to your home and spank you until my hand hurts. My sevices are available long term as well, only requiring a significantly high priced sports car and a blow job no less than twice a day. I'm waiting for your call, any time, anywhere I will make myself available. Need an Attitude Adjustment in Vegas? I'm there. Need an attitude adjustment on your private Carribean Island? I'm there. No place is too far, no spanking is too hard. If you're lucky maybe I'll have terriblely bad aim or glance a blow off your ass and mistakenly stick a thumb in your butt. ATTITUDE ADJUSTED.

Since the grand opening of the ShaggyBob School of Attitude Adjustment was just 3minutes ago I expect you Miss Lohan, Miss Hilton and other Miss Hilton, and you Miss Spears to be dialing me up for a consultation. Miss Alba ,Miss Biel, your attitude adjustments are on the house you both seem pretty down to earth. The first attitude adjustment is only one good ass whackin away. Consultation visits are not clothing optional, get naked and ready for a spanking, you deserve it, you need it, and most importantly you want it.....so get on the phone and call the ShaggyBob School of Attitude Adjustment, bend over and prepare to get adjusted.

My name is ShaggyBob and I want to spank your pretentious ass.

You

YA Like That, DON'TCHA

See you on Sunday

Pop culture and LA wrongness

If I happened to get a DUI and shirked my responsibility to follow the protocall of our grand legal system opting for another jaunt in my F-in Beamer straight to a much televised "boo F-in Hoo" because of a 3 days stint in the pokey eating hotdogs and bologna sandwiches in a 12x8' cell all by my lonesome. It would be safe to say that my time in the pen would be full of bitch acts of self degredation for protection. Not so on the West Coast apparently and definetly not for the Richie Rich. Coined by my Fav. Monstu "THAT'S SUPER BULLSHIT!!!!" (4 exclamation points, 4)

G.E.D Hilton, given an anklet for home school in her mansion, asked not to leave for 40days...WTF. Throw a ripper and invite the appelate judge....Crystaal hottub dip, eh? "Anybody" normal person: on the planet wouldn't get it that easy. Speculation that she developed a medical condition...a rash? like she hasn't had an itchy scratchy before. Get a penicillan shot you worthless bird. If she developed a mental game for the exudus...take her to the loony bin and sraightjacket her.

It is my HOPE, that she decides in her infinite wisdom to leave the grounds of of her Hollywood Hills mansion for a soy latte at a local coffee shop and is snagged by the Feds.

Does she have a stylist, seamstress on hand that owns a bedazzler so she can pimp her anklet and bling it out?

I'm getting hammer tonight after work and driving around on the Paris kick...boo fackin hoo officer. Don't make me suffer the indignity of staying behind bars for anything more than 78hrs.


This message was brought to you by TNT, not the explosive kind, the tasty kind!

Check Yourself

This cartoon brought to you by Married by to the Sea

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by Racially charged outbursts while playing: Playstation2's Grand Theft Auto San Andreas Video game, the word sprachgefuhl ; \SHPRAHKH-guh-fuel\ ; noun : an intuitive sense of what is linguistically appropriate, and the number 93.

T-storms

Note-to-self: If you are thinking about getting gender re-assignment and traveling back in time to 18yrs old, try not to stand next to large electrically conductive trees on Eastern Parkway in Sch'dirt; while in the middle of a lightning/ thunderstorm, you don't need to have your socks melt to your feet.

Thank you self, I'll try to keep that in mind.

VT

Apparently there is talk that some of the residnets of Vermont are again petitioning for the state to become it's own sovereign nation. Seceding from the US wouldn't hurt many feelings unless you're a fan of VT pure maple Syrup. I think they should get on their horse...that way we can jack their Import Oil Taxes, put up a wall to keep them in the mountains, declare war on the hermits and invade...thus occupying their sovereign nation to replenish the US's Need for yummy maple Syrup goodness. Then their Microbrews could be just as expensive as the rest of the countrys'. International travel at down home costs. I want Duty on that border patrol, got milk? NO?... you can go back to your farm then. I only say this cuz I bet Mach's General Store in Pawlet VT could use the foreign tourists money. It's the only place I've seen that has an ATM machine that gives currency in multiples of (5). 5, 10, 15, 20.......$40. It would also make it hell on the leaf peepers from NYC, they would have to plan a month in advance to get their passports.

Vermont, where you can be held accountable for invading international airspace by flying a kite from my parent's backyard. What would their new Country flag look like...... would they have the design Gurus at Ben and Jerry's work on it? Would they allow Poultney to exist within their borders or give'm the boot relegating them to Hamptonite status?

Double standard in my Melon

I'm torn by thoughts that I've had lately while rifling through headline from across the country. I don't necessarily think I'm a bad person just a bit off when it comes to certain things. Perhaps it's gender biased. Practically everyday somewhere in our country there is a headline that includes a teacher having inappropriate contact with a student. I can't stop myself from reading the articles in their entirety and thinking one of two things, and this is where I I have issue.

Ex. A highschool male chemistry teacher has sex with a 17yr old girl, my immediate response "This slime ball needs to go to prison and get taken advantage of...public enemy no. #1, this dude needs to be put away for being such a douche".

Ex. A highschool female chemistry teacher has sex with a 17yr old guy, my initial response " Way to go kid, this teacher needs to get a life, but hell WAY TO GO DUDE (insert high-five)"

17 is 17 no matter how you look at it, and the law states that both are pedophiles (except in banjo country), illigally seducing minors for some sick twisted reason. But there is a double standard in my mind.

Big Empty Spaces

Curtain fiasco has been dealt with and shall hereto forth never be mentioned again by me or my suffering boys. I'd like to thank all the snooty curtain representatives at the various stores for making me feel the way I made others feel when I was selling $75,000 paintings to moldy oldies in VT. I am humbled by your knowledge of curtaininity, and just wanted something simple, that I could stealthily wipe boogers on without remorse should the occasion arise. I will never again treat another human being like a moron even if they exibit blatent signs that they're a bit slow on the comprehension aspect of our personal interaction. The people at,...... more specifically Hottie McHots-a-Bitchwhoreslut at Pier One can "lick the backside of my hairy beanbag". Thanks for nuthin' now get back to fluffing pillows C#@T. [Ouch that's gotta hurt, I hope you're reading this.... call me!? ]

Setting up a new place is difficult, I'm trying to use this move to straighten out some other aspects of my life as well. You know straighten up and fly right type stuff. Maybe act my age and whatnot. Although All I can seem to focus on is matching all the new furniture to an antique table that I have. I may have to postpone the release of "I Do What I Want Always" ,the online version in the works for your reading pleasure. Expected release date (when I get around to it)



I never was the most frugal person when it came to anything. In fact I think I'm more prone to excess and the wanton throwing of monies at the most available and easiest solution to anything, with an extra beer before I hit the road, and knowledge that ramen noodles can infact sustain you during an interim bout of pennilessnessitude.

Next on the agenda, entertainment and lounging furniture. I can't just fill my place like a funhouse foam/ballpit...my livingroom isn't recessed and the foam/balls would all escape out the front door or pour off the balcony. Getting a Sh*t-ton of bean bags wouldn't be good either. ( Y'all know that I'm prone to cutting myself at random times with blunt objects, I can't imagine the clean up from numerous beanbags) And yes I did manage to cut myself whilst hanging the V-blinds this past weekend....I'm ok though, it was only my foot {no stitches}. So I guess the next step is this "Futons (plural), or sectional couch (singular) w/ recliners, and cupholders built into the upholstery?"

Then it's on to lighting, unless I get a fit of the "I don't cares" and just head off to the second hand furniture store and pick me out a motley mish-mash of stinky pre-owned digs complete with ingrained homeless and/or fart smell. [That probably won't happen I'm trying to be a grown-up and frat furniture isn't going to cut it anymore].

I'd like to say howdy to Mr. Pinto, and thankyou for the call at 2am Saturday. I know where you were, but I doubt you did. Sorry about you're hyperventilation. I lied, I really didn't get a 10 gauge hoop piercing of the scrote "FOR The LADIES"...just thought I could make beer come out your nose. Breathe easy man...breathe easy.

Wiki-hilarity

Here's my vote....

Wikiwhacki....the simple and abundant internet porn site where you can wikiwhack-it!

I'm computer illiterate to a certain extent so I think someone should get on this pronto.

It's not as funny here as it was for the 4hrs we were laughing about it completely under the influence of various ill begotten vices, but it does hold some of it's humor if you say it 5X fast

This Weekend's Randomness

This Weekend's Randomness is brought to you by ESPN's National Spelling bee, the word NEGUS ne·gus Pronunciation: 'nE-g&s, ni-'güs Function: noun Etymology: Amharic n&gus, from Geez negusa nagast king of kings : KING -- used as a title of the sovereign of Ethiopia. And numero uno.

"You my Negus" or "What's up my Negus " "Shhiiiiit Negus"... so on and so forth until the hole I've dug for myself is slightly above the bar-B-que known as Hades.