Many many bullets?

How many bullets can $25 USD Buy?

Yet another esquisitly shot photo from the Associated Press has been printed in the Gazette depicting irate Shiites tearing the American Flag apart in protest. ( I'm not a fan, but I'm American and allow them the right to express themselves without fear of me tearing out their fingernails or hooking a car battery to their genitals)

My question may seem out there....let me elaborate through my skewed mind and see if I can paint a picture of how my thought process ended up with said question. (It's not a long journey I promise)

The individuals in the picture must have gotten the flag from somewhere, if I'm not mistaken or perhaps I am, there aren't too many US FLAG Producing Factories in the Middle East. If there are, I'm sure some sort of the profit margin returns to the US. SO, the people tearing the flag to pieces are probably using a flag that they purchased online...or from a US Base to rip apart. If the Standard flag costs $25 USD then the money spent to purchase is just going to return to the pockets of the American Infidel and they can spend it on bullets. The think they're making a statement when in fact they are supporting the "little death that brings total obliteration". Smooth move. 1 US Dollar = 1,325.70 Iraqi Dinar (Average yearly income in Iraq = just about $600 USD). That's a completely worthwhile expenditure if you go in for 25 dinar apiece with half the country sporting the bill with you. tear it up...we'll air drop some aide to you.

They might on the other hand be making the flags [that's a mighty fine reproduction they're ripping to pieces], a self defeating act in and of itself.

Soap Scum

When I moved into my place I had found a bar of soap sitting in the shower soap caddie wall hanging doo-dad. I don't use bar soap. I'm prissy like that and have sensitive skin. I decided to leave it since I didn't need the space anyway. The location of the soap is indirectly in overspray, and I shower on average of once a day for the length of time it takes to empty the hot water tank in my place. When you don't have cable, it's the little things that consume your time and make you happy. That and I could drink ten cups of coffee and wouldn't be fully awake unless I hit myself with some form of water in the face, be it, lake,river,pond, sink or long ass shower. It turns out that if you leave a bar of soap in the tray and not touch it for 10 months under inderect shower spray it can survive. It by no means looks like a bar of soap now, it's more of a refracted cottage cheese looking entity, but it exists. I'm about to break down and remove it...I can't decide. I'll be moving myself hopefully at the end of the month and I might just leave it for the next little fishy to enter the bowl.

Hmmmmmm..........

Happy Chocolate Rabbit day

I hope and trust that you were all able to spend the Holiday with family and friends. Whether you were celebrating religiously or not, and following the trail of an elusive chocolate egg laying Mammal of prestidigitationary goodness.

I've only a few things to say to some folks that are here in Sch'dirt that are out as a group standing on a sidewalk on the day of the observance for the resurrection of their "Lord". If I hadn't been late for work I would have returned to my Fishbowl, donned the Robes I'm wearing in the image at the bottom of the page, walked past your picket protest party, directly into the Planned Parenthood and showed the fine folks that put up with your crap my support. Couldn't you have given it a rest and not been outside holding ridiculous signs and yipping slogans that fell way short of "one, two, three, what are we fightin' four, don't ask me I don't give a damn....next stop is Viet-NAM". "A_B_R_S_H_U_N is uh.....wrong and stuff... Right Beavis?"

On a day that bible thumpers are supposed to celebrate some resurrectionifourusness, you're making it uneasy for people to promote healthy and non-risky behavior among the youth of the area that desperately seek the help. GO HOME TO YOUR FAMILIES!!!! Not to be "that guy" but I hope the placard resurrects itself in your dreams for the rest of your "DAMNED" existance.

It doesn't help your case with liberty of free speech if you're holding a 4' x 4' placard that has a full color image of an aborted fetus on it. In fact, your point; at that moment in time, becomes null and void. You are officially sick FUCKS with no business being out of the confines of your basement torture room with fecal grafitti on its walls. If I went outside and stood in front of your house with a 4x4 image of bunny entrails on it I can almost gaurentee that you'd call the cops and say that my portrayal of the Easter Bunny on your special holiday was offensive. I'm buying a bag of play sand at HomeDepot just for you and a little green plastic shovel....go pack it in yer ass. http://www.plannedparenthood.org/ read up Momos, or take your holier than thou asses back to the 1920's when no such thing as planned parenthood existed, cuz it's here now and you're not helping matters at all. PAck sand....PAck sand...Oh Lordy GO PACK SAND!!!!

The Pope today? Yeah..he uh, um nope..no fetii, Guess you're the only monkeys out on the town. Some of your click even made it all the way to homless shelters and community centers to help distribute a wonderful meal to those in need on this Sunday. You..... NOT SO MUCH.

If ya'll are out tommorrow Jebus Crisp will break the line..... ....Here's to you Chin Nuts!

HAppy Bunny Cake to all


P.S. If you should happen to volunteer at a Mission serving food to people that are less fortunate than you, please be mindful and not flaunt your wealth like the woman on the Front page of Monday's Gazette wearing her diamond encrusted triple wrap tennis bracelet. Asshat.... "Here's your slab O' ham served with 20K worth of ICE Biatch!" ....we can file that one under "W" for just plain Wrong.

In one month

In less than one months time I'll be able to step away from a commitment I made a scant two years ago, Hopefuly I've done what was best for the organization, and that they will be able to persevere without my illogical outbursts and rantings of inconsequential nothings on topics that deserve more attention than I can give them from this point forward.

A new move is also on the horizon, out of the fishbowl and hopefully into a well proportioned domicile that has more than two small windows and a few less brick walls. At that point I can follow my new dream.

Yet another tossing and turning evening of sleeplessness last night amidst the gun fire and police sirens had me in and out of waking lucid dreams until 11am this morning. In one particularly vivid phantasmic hallucination of illusionary, miragedness I found myself attending classes again striving for a new degree. A hands on approach to group communication.
I've decided that starting May 6th my quest to learn American Standard Sign Language ...in Japanese, will begin. What that means? I haven't the foggiest Idea, but I assume in my case it'll be a gutteral way of butchering English sign language with an air of nobility and respect that is unheard of in our Western Civilization.
Yup, that's the plan once I move into the new place; the Rosetta Stone and I are going to have a sit down,...I'm getting on my horse and edumakating myself.

I'm going to make some jello jigglers too, but that's a minor secondary goal, along with ramping up the studio space to slide around in paint once again.

Bunny Cake

Nothing says lovin' and Happy Easter like buying a Carvel Ice Cream Bunny Cake and brandishing it as a weapon to liberally and ceremoniously smash in the face of an unsuspecting sleeping friend. Ahhhh....Bunny Cake, hilarity ensues.

Back again

So the weekend was great. Drinking games, losing extreme amounts playing poker, good food, good folks and fun, random conversations. I ended up staying an extra night and caught the Opening day baseball game St. Louis vs. Mets and festering.

So here's why I haven't posted since the weekend. I work evenings and only have access to the intarwebb at work.

On my return trip from Waltham I decided that a great idea would be to put some coffee into my system. I stopped at the Tigermart at the Mass Turnpike's Sturbridge Rest Plaza. "I don't recommend getting the irish creme coffee from this place." Have you ever see the movie Leviathan? It's a piss poor Sci-fi flick that has a tainted bottle of vodka laced with some bio-weapon that turns into a flesh eating creature after being injested by the Deep salvage team's crew..... The coffee I had liberated from said rest stop was in my system for all of about 10minutes when the bio-avomination beast first made it's presence known. I was driving down the Pike managing to level the Frankensteiner off at 75mph sandwiched by a Toyota Carolla and a Semi hauling a giant pipe (any guess as to what the pipe was for is up in the air) I Hadn't time to react nor pull over when the coffee and the rest of the stomach contents promptly made a mass exedus from my gullet and landed with extreme force spraying out off my crotch and all over my dashboard. That made me feel a bit queesy! I don't know if it was an unclean carafe of coffee, creamer that was south of cheese, or an employee that neglected to wash their mitts prior to playing with food product but it put me in a foul mood. I continued to feel ill and rocket numerous times making my 4hr return trip into a 7hr marathon. I managed to spew in my lap, out my window, in three consecutive reststops, in the bed of my truck, on my Fishbowl slab while keying myself in and then continually in my bathroom for the following 26hrs.

I'm now at work, after burning two sick days and praying to the gods that I don't relive any of the great north american technicolor vomitorium while sitting at my desk. To give a technical explanation of the way I feel...."my hair hurts".

After such a great weekend if was unfortunate to return under such extreme duress. I did manage to sleep for 24hrs inbetween my yackfesting, and ate some white rice today to finally get some food in my system.

I only wish it had been a hangover, at least I would have had some say in the matter at that point.

Sincerely yours, Pukey McBarfsAlot

T-minus 10min...

T-minus 10 minutes to roadtrip.......9minutes.......8.... "Where the "F" is major Tom?"....7,6......

Warm up the Funtruck

VroooooM!!

Be back Sunday with more interesting tales about nothing.

LOCO

"It's kind of odd about women," he went on, "and the place they're supposed to occupy in botany. If was asked to classify them I'd say they was a human loco weed" The Lonesome Road, ~ O. Henry

There are many species of Astragalus, and some of them are very hard to differentiate. A common one on the Wasatch foothills is Astragalus utahensis, also called the Pink Lady Slipper. Many of these are addictive and poisonous to livestock, causing an incurable insanity. They are called "loco weeds", from a Spanish word meaning "crazy".

And thennnn.........

I was searching the Intarweb today and saw a post from Miss Kate. It involved some supermarket flirtation and whatnot. I had to respond...you know add my $0.02 in the comments. And then it got me thinkin' of a strange dream of the perfect fantasy woman I had a number of years ago... it hinged on my ideal lady and a darker side of stupidty that I thought you would find remotely humorous. It follows unabridged as an example of a random thought in my head.

My Moon Goddess and eventually the woman I will no doubt spend the rest o my life with is a "beautiful person" (that's personality wise and not physically <=shallowness factor disclaimer) who isn't afraid to stand in the sunlight of a open bay window allowing the gentle breeze to flutter her flowing white linen garments elevating her closer to a spritely semi-dream like apparition. And then at the same time wouldn't be opposed to walking into a dark candle lit room wearing thigh-high black vinyl 6in stelettos, carrying a whip, and a bag of dog treats. Why you ask...I haven't the foggiest clue. Thus far in my professional career as a not so politically correct bachelor guy...I've seen neither.

Living Sch'dirt it's next to impossible to run into any woman ready to don the garb and let it rip. If I had the 5G's for an Escort service or wanted to partake in one of the local Canadian Ballets (strip clubs)...perhaps. I don't have 5K...and I'm not a fan of the Ballet. I'm also ramping up on my Cyprido-Cyclophobia as of late with increased sightings.

Someday I'll grow up....someday.

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by: Remote car starters, the word: su·per·flu·ous Pronunciation: su-'p&r-flü-&s
Function: adjective Etymology: Middle English, from Latin superfluus, literally, running over, from superfluere to overflow, from super- + fluere to flow -- more at FLUID 1 a : exceeding what is sufficient or necessary : EXTRA b : not needed : UNNECESSARY 2 obsolete : marked by wastefulness : EXTRAVAGANT, and the number ANK7807

Boston...er, well Waltham

Roadtrip Friday... 0300. Waltham Mass keep yor head down, I'm comin' in hot 5x5 in the pipe heading 6-2 9'er. Enroute with the visor down, locked, and loaded - ETA 0630. (insert=>Wagner's "Flight of the Valkyries"). Can't wait to touch down at F.O.B. TIMMY Zulu and refuel, hit the rack, and then Charlie Mike 1700. "quit yer grinnin' and drop yer linen"

Apartment Hunters Guide to the Universe

I've been in the process of looking for a new place to call home given that the Fishbowl lost is novelty the second I slept there for the first time, and the 1yr lease is soon to run out. There are too many factors to keep in mind all at the same time being the disorganized monkey I am It's hard to keep all my ducks in a row. (I just created a great run-on sentence with both Ducks and Monkies. That could be the most profound thing I've done all weekend)

After searching relentlessly for the last month I found a place that is a bit of a commute, that has charm, ample space and little to no extra rent involved. (same rent actually) It's in South Glens Falls, a 35/40minute commute from the Gazette, 20 min from Togatown and basically right at exit 17 of the Northway. Easy access to the highway....most of my family within a short distance. My folks are exstatic.....and I could deal with the commute. I'm going to try to keep my options open and not commit right away, but a 1br place with a walk in closet the size of half a bowling lane...new appliances, new kitchen...a bathroom with both window and ceiling vent, central air, (quiet neighbors...three apartments in the building I would occupy one end apartment, the central apartment is vacant owing to the property purchase stipulations leaving it open for a snowbird in the event that she wants to return from FL. anytime in the next two years, the third apartment 30yds away would have a family with two children...not a big deal). I believe that heat would be included in the rent...and I would have to work out the rest of the utils myself...but that's no big whoop. It has ample wall space and an alcove in the design that could double for a open studio space if I gave up on the whole idea of having a full sized dining room set for the likes of me the single guy who hasn't entertained in 10yrs. hmmmm?!

I'm pretty much sold but If a place opens in the Ballston Lake area, Saratoga Lake front, or Toga-town which is closer and allows pets...I could easily be swayed from the almost perfect set up. I'm thinking the commute would suck, but for the price and availablility to highway access...it's pretty damn good. We'll see. I still have until June 1st for my lease to run out, I'm thinking I'll end up moving in May and doubling the rent aspect to allow for a leisurely move but that's not set in stone.

If I do move to SGF dinner party at my place on Saratoga Racing's Opening day after busting on the ponies and the twenty minute return trip. Sans the dining room table of course.

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by MacDermid, Printing Solutions; printing plates, the word LACERATION, lac·er·a·tion
Pronunciation: "la-s&-'rA-sh&n" Function: noun 1 : the act of lacerating 2 : a torn and ragged wound.... and lot number 6056110764 Plate #no. 14 of 30

Just call me Shagz Von ClumsyOaf: Once again I've ruined a great pair of pants dropping razor share metal...If a Power Rangers bandaide could fix this I would be suprised. First Aide McGoo?......butterfly it STAT

A "Real" Mom

By definition it is close impossible to state with hard incriminatingly speculative inferences what a Real mom just might be.

That may sound a bit off, and it is..."I AM in fact not a Real Mom"...I have neither given birth nor have I kept a Goldfish alive in my fishbowl for longer than two weeks...I think that they just didn't get enough light, miracle grow, and/or I didn't water them regularly.

I do on the other hand have a Mom...which I think can be defined as one who passed the point of Mother the same way that a Dad surpasses Father. Anyone can Mother or Father a child it takes caring and understanding individuals to constitute Mommys and Daddys. They have to play the game of rearing children with way too many factors to keep in mind and try to keep the little rug rats from wandering off the straight and narrow. Be forgiving to minor indiscretions, yet dole out heavy handed love when faced with obstinent freakeshly poor behavior. My Moms was not a fan of the timeout chair...and I thank her for her use of wooden stirring implements in fostering the proper behavior from me as I was growing up to be the hellian that we all know and love. That's not to say that she was always "Mommy Dearest-ing me". It was a rare occurance and today I say please and thankyou, pride myself on being chivalrous, and act like a gentleman when and if at all possible. She was funny , wise, and most importantly human. She was loving enough to let me make mistakes and then came to the rescue with solutions to the predicaments I landed myself in. She let me be an individual, and at the same time made sure I didin't lose track of our little nuclear and extended kinship.

Ever stick your tongue out at your step father while riding in the backseat of the Buick Skylark, because he said something that you thought was a dick thing to say; while traveling down the highway at a fair clip, only to realize that Real Moms are all-knowing and ready with an immediate response even though they seem to be not paying attention at all? I haven't stuck my tongue out at anyone for 24yrs, not because I lack the physical ability....one educational smack let me know when I was 7 yrs old that it wasn't correct way to express my thoughts. We don't see eye to eye on everything in life, but we have been able to adapt.

That I think is the main ingredient in building proper Real momitude..adaptation, try to define it as precisely as you want and make lists upon lists of pros/cons, goods/bads, and do's/don'ts...but the main focus is Adaptablity. Making due with available resources and adapt to make a childs life what you feel is the proper life to live, no matter what that may be. (You moms out there get to chose whether you're REAL or not) And if you chose 'not real' for yourself =>Adopt your kids out, or smarten the hell up and get to REAL Mom'in. Look in a mirror and pass your judgement ASAP.

That being said... I just called my Real Mom-dukes, and we're having dinner tommorrow. I'm going to thank her for making me a real man. THAT'S ANOTHER TOPIC, EH? What makes a proper Real Man? My vote.... one that was raised by my Mom.

Newspaper death squad

It's inconceivable, inconceivable! that the paper route delivery person whom has been faithfully bringing a paper to my place for the last 6months, has yet to be, even an inch off target with respect to the only/any puddle of standing water within between 4inches and 20 ft of my mail box. Now if this person were say a golfer... I would say that, that would translate into a 99% chance of hole in ones; scoring 18 on a par 72 course 7miles long -hitting the ball blindfolded, after spinning around a bat for 60seconds and being liberally pummeled about the head and shoulders by a gorilla with elephantitus of the fists in his/her backswing.

I applaud his/her focus and dexterity with this matter. Unfortunately as many of you newspaper readers know...there' nothing more useless than a soaked folded newspaper. I really should't complain because I basically read the paper cover to cover prior to delivery every evening as the last in a chain of editing overwatch monkeys. So I guess it means that I'm jst killing trees, I really don't need the paper delivered to my puddles...I've already read it. I'm just too lazy to cancel the free subscription..free is free after all. You won't see too many people turning down anything that is free be it a beer, or a liberal dose of free religious door to door banter...well at least I don't. Free cracker sample at the Supermarket, don't mind if I do!

Tonight...I'm going to return home and wait vigilantly for the paper delivery person to approach my place, door unlocked, lights out, all stealthy like ready to pounce....when they sling/fling/toss or find someother way to send the paper at my standing water..I'm going to throw open the door catch that paper scream "I win" and return to my humble fishbowl....unassuming unnecessary horrificatory victory will be mine. Maybe I'll throw it back at them....wouldn't that be a treat in the mundane evening of a paper delivery person?

The Sun is out

The sun is out, and I was able to stand it today for a few hours... I'm looking forward to changing my life schedule in the near future with the new place (somewhere) and a healthier outlook as well as diet and exercise regiment. I'm ready to quit smoking again for the thousandth time and I'm going to buy some bowling shoes, jello, and a giant black Sharpie.
My new dreams of a different life stemmed from the crossword puzzle in todays paper. I was able to finish that sucker in 3minutes. Bully for me, I am so SMRT. Some people knit, some play video games, I read and do the crossword [Jeopardy is on when I work and I don't have cable, "The Penis Mighter- you're sitting on a gold mine Trebeck!"]

Todays randomness has yet to present itself to me...stay tuned for an update later in the evening.

NFW

All I can think of to say right now is ....."FUCK THAT NOISE". (<=insert diabolical type evil demon image and nuclear fallout)

YOUTUBE LINK

Somedays it's good to have an anthem.

Lazy Weekend

St. Patty's Day was a bust. Although Friday evening I a couple of 18 or so beers and shoveled. Irving my neighbor and I had a good laugh when I stumbled into a snow bank while cleaning off his side of the cement slab we share as a front porch. Saturday I woke early for me, made the super-breakfast and then shoveled...I ventured to Katie O'Bryen's, Pinhead Susan's, the Union Inn and a few other joints but couldn't get into the spirit with nothing but strangers surrounding me. It's Tough to be the jackass when facing crowded rooms of unknowns. (alas no Irish step dancing for this guy) So I retired from the fight early and relaxed in the fishbowl for the remainder of the afternoon. As much as I enjoy my own company...I wear on my nerves after 8 hrs of being cooped up with me. I can't imagine how terrible it is for folks I usually hang out with on a regular basis to put up with my bullshit.
I'm getting old I guess.....I'm set in my ways and I haven't the energy or the focus to change my poor habits and elevate myself past societal inapropriateness. It's time to re-evaluate it all again and make the proverbial pro/con list of my life.
[dun, dun, duhhh.......]

Nor'Easter

That pretty much cements my plans for the St. Patrick's Holiday celebration. I doubt I'll be traveling to anywhere exotic. SO....for those of you in the Capital Region, Saratoga Spring, and the millions of fans watching around the world....Let's get ready to BummmmmmmBLE!! Stagger lurch trip stumble and fall style here in teh area for the drunk'en-ist, rowdiest throw down in snowy weather.

Keep your eyes open for the Asshole wearing the green flight helmet,w/ the gianormous shamrock painted on it. I'm lacin' up my hip waders and heading into the fray...Riverdance that sucker, YeAH! Way to go Mav......

If you happen to see me feel free to stop and say hello...I'm sure all will be in good spirits. Guinnessessesesese and all. I'm hopin' to find Murphey's Irish Stout on tap somewhere but don't think they have that particular libationary treat north of NYC.

Corned beef hash omlette, a pound of bacon, two everything bagels, potatoes, a banger or two and then It's stuffed out the door for this guy @ 9am Saturday to brave the storm.

That's "F'in" Bananas

When Cincinati Based Fruit import and conglomerate company Chikita decided to pay terrorists to proctect bananas....I almost fell out of my chair. When the CEO and higher ups had to "Dole" out out millions of dollars in fines.... HAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHA
?Como Se Dice' "Stick'em up pardner, I gots a loaded Banana" en Espanol?

St. Patty's DAY

I've no plans, and for that I've been kicking myself in the junk. I haven't really done the College St. Drunkys day in a number of years, and although I would enjoy getting up at the ass crack of dawn, or maybe just not going to sleep to get drunk with a bunch of strangers in downtown 'Dirt... I can only see ruffians and hooliganry making itself known around nooner and that I don't want to be part of. =>Imaging a random drunken question: Whatchu you lookin at foo' ?....ME: spirit fingers and Riverdance Beeatch!
I may have a few in the mid-afternoon while swimming in my fishbowl. What I would like to do is fly my ass to California for the weekend, to attend the get together of the Monstu and his 50gallons of homebrewfest for the St. Patrick's celebration in Aptos. Funding and an over all malaise will keep me from accomplishing that.
I'm close enough to the City Center to actually sit out on my concrete slab and get dripped on by the porch of my upstairs neighbor, and listen to the wailings and the fiddle playing.... Next year I'll be living in a better place and will be within walking distance of the nightlife of Togatown...one block and all the 'Glass has to offer, 365days a year, the cute Irish Bartender Maggie O'. She may be in her late 30's, have I mentioned before that when a lady slides you a pint and then says "tank ya love" mopping up the tip it's heaven. (She's actually a little bulldog lookin thing, but the accent elevates her)
T-minus 3days and counting

Vampirism

Spring is just about here, and is threatening at the door. It was a beautiful day today in the 'Dirt which makes me a bit sad. Here's how my day broke down prior to coming to work. I woke up at the unheard of hour for me called 10am, not because I needed to get outside and be in the sun, not because I was ready to go out and be part of society...I woke up because it was too bright in my place to stay sleeping. I eventually looked out into the blinding sun, closed the blinds snaked a winter wool hat on my head covering my eyes and eventually ventured back to sleep land.

My supervisor is headed to FL for two weeks and that means that as the second in command [from 2-3am] I get to stay later even, to make sure that everything runs fine. That means that I'll be picking up OT, but won't be leaving work until 4/5am....then there's the sun to deal with. I'll be tossing and turning for 2weeks if the conditions stay the same.
I've tried my damnedist to work my internal clock back to waking around 11am, with no luck.(1:30-2pm standard) I'm hoping that the sun will go away, letting me sleep later or I'm outfitting my place in black and hanging tarpaper over the inside of my windows, at that point I bleach my skin to Micheal Jackson white...goth out, and get my teeth molded for elongated canines. To cap it off....man rings, every finger both hands.....hiss at people on the street, and drink nothing but red wine (I'll take iron suppliments).
It's brutal working evenings. =>Starts crying like a kid that had his favorite toy taken away..............N.O.W<=. I used to worship the sun, now I dislike it / border-line abhor it.

No Mist

No blood mist, but I did have a tasty bagel....It's called th Apple Jack and you can only get one at the Bagelry in Potsdam NY. I'd tell you all about it, but I'm in the process of eating the 4 that made the return trip home with me.
I had a beer at Maxfields called Arrogant Bastard...it fit, and if you don't believe that it was great you can go F yourself, I'm great and it was great cuz I said it was great.

I'm really not in a posting mood, and its the beginning of my work week. I have to plan on a St. Patty's day something or other...I haven't got anything set in stone. That's weird for me, and SMRT I guess...I know the day will involve mass breakfast, not religious like. A dozen eggs, pounds of bacon, toast and homefries mass; if ya catch what I'm throwin'.

worst post ever

Headed North

I decided today to head into the Great White North and take a brief respite from that which is my fantastical life of a super hero gone awry. All the wonderous and amazingly good things that I see here in the 'dirt have made me yearn for the cold wind swept fields of Sissonville Road.

I'll be taking flight after work this evening which; after a 4hr drive, will have me landing in Paradise ETA about 7:30AM. All that matters not to a superhero vampire such as myself. Night drivin' is empty road drivin'.
....as I was again sculpting my face in oatmeal this afternoon [I guess it kinda grew on me..simple breakfast "check"] after rising from a less than helpful slumber (I think I slept from 8am-nooner), I faded into a lala-sleep-deprivation-land and had a premonition that I was going to dessimate a deer on my trip into nothing more than bloodmist. It was accompanied by thoughts of cancelling my trip and making due here in Ghettoburbia.

I fought those inklings and came up with a game plan for said animal destruction. I'll make the trip in 3hrs at top speed governed only by twisting and turning roads in the Adirondacks. If said deer should happen to cross my path I'll relish in the fact that even though the Tacoma isn't the most bad ass piece of machinery it'll no doubt hold up in the path of organics. I'm a firm believer that it'll stay together if I keep the roll over factor below 5 revolutions and there's plenty of snow padding to rest the upsidedown vehicle upon.

I've alluded to the fact that I've stocked truck provisions in the past. These are standards.
Here's the list (readily available 24/7 packed away in around under tossed into and laying on the floor): 2 icescrapers, Raod Atlas, ADK trail guide, sleeping bag rated to -40, Emergency space bag that reflects 80% of body heat, a 2 week Wilderness Medical Associates First Aid Trip kit (with SAM splint) med. supplies for 12people: i.e. the big dawg, WMA Field guide, SOAP notebook, 2 sets of extra layering and extra expedition gea( under, mid, and outerwear), 3 season tent, collapsable snow shovel, utility knife, Roadside emergency Kit, 2 Military Spec M.R.E's, 4 days of potable emergency water, one Magnesium farstarted, two true burn fire starters, Headlamp; numerous flash lights, 40ft of paracord, 4 15ft utility tiedowns, one 20ft tow strap, a 32 piece bungee cord set. 1 WAH-64 Apache AH1 flight helmet (YUP....It's in there), and all the redundant gear that I have in each of a 5day TNF expedition pack, TNF Wasatch day pack, and Mountainsmith hip pack......coffee, smokes, and a flask of Jack Daniels, a dozen golf balls/ tees / my old driver, hacky sack, and a picture book for tying upwards of 50 knots, slings, ascenders and other ropelike devices.

I'm ready to tattoo a deer, Dukes of Hazzard a Guard Rial (probably no freeze frame in flight) bury myself in 12ft of snow and relax for a week unseen or heard of from the road, and then climb out to TV cameras for being "That GUY", what was prepared for winter driving in the ADKs. Yeeeeeehaw. premonition of no?! I look forward to deer crossing and black ice.

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by the planet formerly known as Pluto, the word calamitous - ca·lam·i·tous pronunciation: \kə-ˈla-mə-təs\ Function: adjective Date:1545: being, causing, or accompanied by calamity calamitous events, and the number just not quite big enough to cut it as a planetoid.

Here is why this is random today, a number of months back they changed the nominclature and re-designated Pluto as a non-planet. I grew up thinking that the tiny world was a planet. Ho-hum whatever. It was in a fit of insomnia this morning that I remembered when I took a trip to NH and met with W.K.E. and J. It was my first visit to their new home and E. was ecstactic as well as W. to show off her room to the pseudo-relative stranger. E. was psyched cuz there was a secret fort. W. had plotted the solar system on the ceiling and had pointed out that it was as proportionate to the room as the real solar system is to the "galaxy". I have no doubt in my mind that he being a Mathematician that he used something like
.3mm : 1,000.000.5673 miles = from here to the corner in the room and that the measurements were directly proportionate to the relative space. That's not in question.... In my fit of tossing and turning I was worried about Pluto, it was hanging from the ceiling slightly obscurred by the open door...it being the farthest away from the center of the solar system... but it just isn't a planet anymore. I'm saddened that it's not called a planet anymore..... Yet I have hope that the Pluto gets to stay on her ceiling and that she can be proud to display it as it has been since it's discovery...a planet. Insomnia...tossing and turning; yup Randomness.

In Ukraine, we play futbol

Todays spectacular sports footage comes from the Chernobyl Reactors...a farm team for Preimer League all star squad the Sputnik Orbits. In former Soviet Ukraine we take futbol seriously and never discriminate as to race, creed, religion or nuclear appendages.

It's cold today

When I say cold I mean cold, it's not quite Antarctic cold...but definitely "freeze your eyeball cold" (The wind is playing a huge part in the frozen eyeball trick). People in Hawaii probably won't get that. Those of us in the NorthEastern States know exactly what I mean... SO keep on surfin Hawaiianites, I'm gonna start my truck remotely and tack slowly back and forth untill I actually reach the beast on the other side of the parking lot. I feel bad for folks with small children in puffy jackets....kids blowing over in the wind must be are hard to catch.

Oatmeal

I haven't had oatmeal for sometime...I mean like 26 or so years and decided to give it another go. What else is better in the midafternooner for breakfast right? I ended up grabbing the single serving packages, complete with the box that is adorned by the "pull tab here to open" little cardboard box dessimation device. The packages were small so I decided to forgoe reading the nutritional value and the serving size amounts because of famishedousness. For the relative amount of water used to moisten each individual package I was able to use 2 cups of boiling water and 6 packages of the Oatmeal. It was strawberries and cream...I know it sounds dainty but Gosh darn it I loved Frankenberry cereal when I was little and this stuff puts off the same disgustingly sweet odor. In my serving sized bowl of freshly watered gunk I found it hard not to play with my food...as it cooled and congealed I caught myself creating sculptures....ok I made a 3D self portrait of my face in Oatmeal...sue me. After I had a liberal amount of cool and play time I decided to read the box while enjoying my breakfast. 5 bites in to my gianormous bowl of sculpture I realized why they say that one package of this stuff is healthy and good for a diet...it's filling, really filling. I bet one package would hold a Sumo wrestler over until the next meal. I'm no Sumo wrestler, but I'll be damned if a slight misjudgement in food quantity will win a battle of willpower over the likes of me. 56 sweating minutes later I had to take a powernap to regain all the energy I rolled into polishing off the left cheek of my 3D masterpiece which happened to be the last of the goop. Oatmeal....26yrs you've been away...and 26yrs it will be until I buy you again Farewell.

Have You Seen this man?

I canibalized this photo from a friends' Website without his permission and for that I apologize.

...I expect to see the court papers in the mail within the week and am ok with wearing the carrot suit and silver braclets for copywrite infringment. I have taken the time to conceal his identity as best I could to keep hoards of screaming oppressors from inundating me with requests for his exact location. Those of you who may know this gentleman are for the most part on the side of the righteous as well, and I'm sure that his absense from the east coast had gotten you in the dumps just as it did for myself. He's back now and living somewhere in New England. May his quest be unmarred by interference from the Gov't, and other doldrums keeping him down.

Poignant to the statement emblazened on his shirt I have no doubt that he will someday be able to save not only Leeroy...but all of those whom have fallen under the thumb of unrighteousness....

I fight for Freedom...I am a monkey....I am not alone..

If by chance you run into this individual I should like to request that you liberate for him a fine example of free and cold libation. I have no doubt that he'll enjoy even the nastiest of swill as long as it is accompanied by good conversation and monumentally excessive use of Sarcasm. "No really, I'm super Cereal"

101

This is my 101st post. It's amazing that one person can randomly, incoherantly and unashamedly sling that much worthless filth out to the unknowing masses of the intarwebb to soak in. Keep reading my lil Drooges there will be better things coming.
Things like:

I forgot to boil the water from my recent water main break and brushed my teeth with water straight fromt the tap, they had said boil water to kill bacterii so you don't get sick. I brushed my teeth, you would think that the peroxide in the toothpaste "make'em white bullshit" would have ousted any left over germs in said water. Not so!....when you receive a warning to boil water until further notice I woud suggest that you heed said warning. There are certain rammifications that go along with unboiled water and the gastrointestinal act of correct/proper internal behavior.

Things like:

I'm finally getting sick of couch surfing, a 31yr old professional couch surfer needs to grow up a little bit. Visiting people is cool and all, but sleeping on a couch has its bad points. Namely it ain't yer bed and sleeping is next to impossible, evenings of tossing and turning get old.

Things like:

Time for a new job, being a vampire isn't all it's cracked up to be.

And so on and so forth.

Keep tuning in same bat-time same bat-channel for interesting and not so interesting updates in the life of the village idiot.

Something Weird happened to me....

Suprise suprise, once again something unexpected has changed my perspective. It's not a life altering event, but it did make me smile and look at food in a different indecisive light...I actually laughed at it.

Today is Wednesday, I decided that since I have to boil water for everything, that I would create a spectacular dinner of Turkey Sandwiches...4 or 5 of them will definitely go down as a decent meal. I went to the Ghetto Chopper, didn't see G-Unit or Thugs McStreet-Pharmacist. Just food shoppin', no people watchin'.

Healthy meal on bread!?....I grabbed some deli Turkey to the tune of 2lbs (that should be enough). Mayo...none of that Miraclewhip bullshit, straight up Helmann's artery cloggin' wooooo!!! I couldn't decide on cheese, so I went for a three cheese combo, then purchased an assortment of veggies: sprouts, peppers: green and hot, tomatoes (even though I think they're poisonous), pickles, black olives, cucumbers, red leaf lettuce, a rare find vidalia onion, then some rasberries to make the gargantuwiches that much more healthy for my weak- boring- diet. I stood infront of the bread arena trying to choose my gladiator for quite a long time and eventually went for the 12 grain. Bonus bread for a bonus 5 sandwiches. {That's where the unexpected was hiding...in the bread]. I had a difficult time deciding between the 12grain and pumperknickel...why you ask? A Gargantuwich needs a little something extra to make it the monster that it should be. Ultimately the 12 grain won out.

When I returned home I began the preparation, I cleaned off the cluttered kitchen table bare and arranged my inventory to systematically with the least amount of labor create my sandwiches. Everything was ready to rock when I opened the bread, it seemed to be a normal loaf of 12 grain bread. Not so. As soon as I removed the first end cap it turned out to be a pipe bomb, hidden inside my loaf was the completely unexpected find of an undecided lifetime.....I'll elaborate.

Imagine a tic-tac-toe board, Apply that image over a standard 12 grain slice of bread, now imagine that the top 6 squares are 12grain bread...moving slowly to the bottom three squares imagine that the entire bottom left hand square, marbling to the right back to 12 grain is none other than pumperknickel bread. How does this happen? Me thinks it an automated FUBAR that makes me happy, unless some baker somewhere inadvertantly decided to suprise the first person that couldn't make up their mind as to whether to use 12grain of pumperknickel for a gargantuwich was to get the best of both worlds.

SCORE!!!!! I now have 7 'wiches loaded to the point of un-eatability (Cuz they're massive) on Pumperknicka12grain bread. I doubt the sandwiches could taste any better, even if someone else made them for me.

I didn't even have to boil water.....someday I'll step into the technical world and get a digital camera so that I can actualy download pics of the finest creations I can mustard.

Water Main Break 2007: part 4

Yeah yeah yeah I skipped some parts...but I'll label this one, day 4 or part 4...who gives a hoot. I woke up this afternoon to rumbling, sputtering, and spraying, they were able to fix the main, and water started to return to my little fishbowl. If you can call it water. Given the number of people that should have already been testing their pipes...there's no reason why the fetid black gunk should have been shooting out of my faucet. Granted..individual pipes that attach to my wonderfully oderiferous shower needed to be purged, but what's with it taking 40minutes. The last time I smelled something this rank was when I had a funtime showering in the Outback after two years of idle pipe fester. I let the water run..until clear. Most of the setiment dissapated, then hopped in to offcially wash myself properly for the first time since Saturday. I'm a liberal scrub hound after days without clean...and took my leisurley ass time applying hand fulls of soap shampoo and nut scrubbery. And sluffed off all the dead epithelials. I must have grown accustomed to the putrid water very quickly...cuz Apparently according to the property manager I smelled worse when I got out than I did when I went in. Rotten eggy wegg water. I decided to melt some snow and retouch the cleaning of the old A.A.C.T. Let the drip continue in the apartment and headed to work. The area wide advisory says eat junk food from fast food places for a time...well, it actually said you'll have to boil your water until further notice. I'll take the opportunity to grease my insides with stacker sandwiches from burgerKing and Kung-Fu Chicken.

A.A.C.T. the 4 important cleaning zones for those on the GO! Armpits, *sshole, Crotch, and Teeth, if you put them in a little melodic music you get quite a humors little tune. I like that tune almost as much as "Piss on the fire, call in the dogs...headed on back to bow-legs"

Tommorow i actually make a shopping run to buy food stuffs that don't require water to prepare.

Water Main Break 2007

Three days without water.....You would think that a city of 60+ thousand people would have a repair crew jumping at the chance to fix a busted pipe. It's a big deal...but nothing that can't be overcome with a little ingenuity and a carefree attitude. I've melted snow to wash myself, and went out and purchased umpteen gallons of bottled natural spring water that no doubt came from the Mohawk river and a local distribution center. It reminds me of the time I spent in Montana living on the outer rim at the Ponderossa. The Ponderossa was a great little house made of red clap board located just off the Gallatin River. There was some large beasty living under the floor boards, but we had an unwritten rule..beasty wouldn't come in and i woudn't have to bust out opposable thumbs and kill it. For $500 dollars a month I was able to live a frontiersman's life, collecting water from the river to continue with daily cleaning and food preparation, chop wood, and light gaslamps/candles. For a mere 500bones a month I lived without running water and electricity for a time. Rimbaud the Husky made evenings when I had forgotten to stoke the central wood stove enough, more than bearable. I'm 2000 miles from the Ponderossa, there is a strikingly similar aspect of both places that makes me yearn for a return trip back to the west. The main reason.....an outhouse may smell bad...but it's an "out"house and you don't have to melt snow to shit in a hole...in the city they frown upon defecating in the great outdoors. For some reason people in the city don't like watching a grown man pop a squat and grunt a gargoyle. I never realized A toilet tank takes about 4hrs to fill with melted snow all told after the melting and the pouring. When I first discovered the waterlessness I had just dropped the kids off at the pool and had to condense the melting time for said tank into 15minutes of poo smell. Ever schedule your day around a healthy dump? I never thought I would. I've mentioned in the past that I'm not a very ponticficating defacatorian when it comes to public restrooms. I'm not a sit on the seat that's seen more action that a porn star kinda guy....not a germ-a-phobe, just the thought makes me cringe a little bit. I'm sure I'll make due.
A note was left in my mailbox from the Property Manager today that appologized for the inconvenience, and it noted that once the water is returned to normal I'll have to boil all my water until further notice. Lord knows I don't need to catch beaver fever from city pipes. I'll live. It does make me think that my eventual move to a different municipality in 2months will be that much sweeter. Water Main.....3 days, did they decide to take the weeknd off?
I can't help but think of Sara, Joe, and Irving...they're elderly in the utmost sense of the word. Not one of them is under 70 and Joe lives on the 3rd floor above me and is pushing 90. I can't imagine the way they must be feeling put out by the situation. I've offered to make runs to the supermarket for anything they need, although they haven't taken me up on the offer. It stands to reason that since I'm working nights the times that they would actually need the help are when I'm not inhouse.
I decided that since I was living off the land that I would go out and try my luck with the real lottery. 216mil....If I win the money, I'll be buying my way into Schenectady Gov't. and making it a point to shut down some affluent part of the city and chalk it up to a watermain break....then I can watch the chihuahuas and poodles outside with their owners in fur coats wondering where the shit that doesn't stink will end up.
I wasn't totally truthful there, I don't need to be in gov't. I'll be spending the money on friends and family until I make crash to 0 balance and have to enter a homeless shelter without running water. Then deucing on the street won't mater in the slightest, nor would just dropping it in my pants.

NO, the best is......

The Best thing about making a pot of coffee?, Give UP? Using the non-existant F-in' water in my apartment. I don't know how long the problem has been lingering. I returned after a decent weekend to clean my badass self, and no water...none, not even a drop....ok that was a lie, I did coax a brownish wreaking drip from the kitchen sink. I'm not too pleased that my complex apparently hasn't gotten the prob fixed, I called and left a nice message. They haven't gotten back to me yet, I doubt I'm the only one that is a bit miffed by the lack of H2O, in fact the older Japanese lady across the way was screaming God only knows what as she stormed out of her place toward the Complex office in her bathrobe...(that is burned into my brain now.) Prunish, Nerrrr. Hopefully they won't call, at least not within a reasonable amount of time, hell it's been 7hrs now anyway, why not wait until tommorrow say at 11pm or something so that I can enjoy aqualessness for more than a day.

I'm pretty psyched....yup, happy and psyched by the situation.

Weekend Wit the Fam

I'm looking forward to the weekend hanging out with the Bro and Sis, having a bite to eat and poking fun of at my Mom's Dick.

There may be something inherantly wrong with that statement..but I don't give a damn, you'd have to see the Dick to understand. I'll elabrate so that you all don't think of me as the spawn on a hermaphroditey She/he King of Queens. My step father, my Dad essentially..is named Richard {i.e. Dick}...he's gruff, hard tempered, and set in his ways...when I was little I always thought of him as being a DICK. What a dick that guys is. SO..he's my Mom's dick. The older I get the more I think of him as Dad...he may be a gruff grumpy old man, but he always was a good provider for the moms and our family, both financially and humorously.

Funny example of dickness, maybe not for you but I get a kick out of it. {scene: slowly blur to dream like memory......}

How many of you can remember raking leaves in the backyard? How many of you never did it right? How many of you had an overly tempestous hard ass telling you how to correctly rake fuckin leaves? Here's the kicker, he was always a fan of using the statement "do it right or don't do it at all"... bad call pop-dukes. On numerous occasions my bro and I would be raking leaves in an incorrect manner of course...cuz only the rake HE had was working correctly. He'd get flustered at the inability of two teenage brothers to correclty move leaves from scattered disarray to a comglomerate pile and out came the statement "Do it right or don't do it at all"...the first three times it was said we (my brother and I) looked at each other quizingly(sp), the fourth through the I can't remember how many times later.....[Gut laugh] envisioning an tempestous hard ass with a gawking blank stare. Camera Pan left to right, midthigh to ground slo motion: As two leaf rakes float to the ground in infront of two sets of bluejeans and hightops walking off camera <=insert favorite pulp fiction overtune).
I CHOOSE DON"T DO IT AT ALL....AHAHAhahhahahhahahahhahaha DICK!

I'd attach a picture...but that would invade my Mom's privacy with her Dick.

Cyprido-Cyclophobia

Self Disgust

Yesturday was Fat Tuesday and my co-workers and I, decided that the nightside staff would order Cajun foods and celebrate. We had the most delectible plethora of spicy food stuffs you could ever imagine, although it wasn't authentic it was Upstate NY Cajun.

Throughout the evening I felt a weariness beginning to grow within my gastro-intestinal loop. Upon returning to my fishbowl, I was under the furry of gaseousness produced by Cajun Upstate Fat Tuesday horror. It wasn't a sit on the can and pray you don't have to wipe yer shoulders evening. But it did prove to be a poor night for sleeping and I made it a point to involuntarily gag on numerous occasion due to the eminations from my lower O-ring. (Label11records guru and members of the Knoa affectionately call the recording venue down in NYC the fart tank....my apartment morphed into a similar venue)

I've never been a horrendous purvayor of gas...but last night I kept myself awake with the stench. It was a weird situation...it was so aweful that I reveled in my disgustingness. It made me laugh, it made my eyes water. I went out side to pass gas, and it followed me in, I had to check my underoos. Had I a little lady in my life I'm sure that the relationship would have ended on the spot, one evening, and it would be all over.

The lingering fetidness, the vileness, the malodorousness, the rancidity of my evening hung in the air like a dark green sinking cloud this morning. I don't usually keep my door open due to the rifraff that constantly meanders past, but today I welcomed the outside world, and watched as the foible of my evening egressed to the sunshine that is Downtown Schenectadirt.

The Bike

After just a few weeks of snow and ice and freezing temperatures, the city of Schenectadirt is slowly catching on that winter will soon melt away and spring will be here soon enough. Dealers will once again be able to freely distribute their wears on corners, and not have to worry about snow plows slushing them from head to toe. (that tends to culminate in shattered tail-lights by way of 22 pistol).

I know that Spring is on its way for one reason and one reason alone. Since the winter took so long to encroach on our fair city, it was last year, late in the season that I witnessed a Hooker on a bike crusing down the main thoroughfare. It has been three weeks and 3ft of snow...but the DOT of the City has finally caught up with the surplus snow and is finally removing the majority of the snow banks that inhibit traffic. I have once again witnessed the Bike Riding Slinger of Sexual favors for profit. Again, I had to chuckle (GUT LAUGH) to myself at the apparition of a fur coated, miniskirt wearing, thigh high vinyl boot pedalin' hooker riding down the street in 30degree weather.



Just in Time for Mardi Gras, 'Dirt style....wish I had beads to toss at her.

I've seen everything that the city has to offer now, and I'm ready to be gone, and when I get gone...I stay gone, you Dig!

I LOVE THIS COUNTRY

Take a look at headlines and You'll see why. England's Prince Harry, third in line for the throne of Britian is going to war in a patriotic act of selflessness. Our Country >Bald Britney Spears getting tats and a Dead Playboy Playmate that has 6 dudes claiming to be the father of her youngest child over her embalmed corpse. We rock....Go Team America....F*ck Yeah!!! Comin' to save the Mutha-F*ckin day yeah!
OH YEAH....We have this waste of oxygen too!





I'm moving to Belize.

Cookie Monster

I'm a little saddened, and a lot enraged by some information I have recently discovered with regard to one of my two fravorite Sesame Street Characters.

It's a long drawn out tale that basically presented itself due to the inability of my generation to suck up and deal, take responsibility and afford generous, well intentioned providing for children. I'm not sure when it happened, nor do I care for that matter it's the prinicple of the thing that irritates the shiite out of me.
I had the opportunity to hang out with Karlie, Julie and their folks this weekend, and if you're into sesame street as baby crack...you've seen where I'm coming from.

Apparently!!! They've gotten so caught up in PC crap that Sesame Street's very own Cookie Monster is now a fan of vegatables as a most of the time snack and cookies are a sometimes snack. Cookies that are eventually eaten by our childhood blue furry friend are loaded with Monster chips, a pseudo-lack luster excuse for raisons, instead of chocolate chips.

Who the F was is in the group of concerned parents that had Sesame Street exec's up in arms cuz COOKIE MONSTER WAS Eating COOKIES? It was no doubt as I alluded to earlier somepeople from my generation that have the inability to win a debate with thier three year old at snack time because of a fictitional character. My kids are learning from Cookie Monster that cookies are a snack "Boo Frickin' Hoo" My child is gaining weight and isn't as healthy as other children that don't watch Sesame Street. ( Take some responsibilty in the matter there's no McDonalds Monster, and no Doritos Monster on Sesame Street...They even have basic execise programs on the Childrens Television WorkShop...for you naive monkeys out there it's the old name for SesameStreet workshop) Because the TV Show isn't portraying a Blue Fake Monster eating vegatables my kids are going to grow up to be disadvantaged. Cookies are not the best snack for a blue monster cuz they're not the best snack for kids?!. For 30 some odd years Cookie Monster has been eating cookies...."C" is for Fuckin' Cookie not for carrot you lazy pieces of twisted responsibilitiless shit.

Back to the debate... If your three years old wins the argumentative confrontation and you break down and give your child a cookie when you know completely well that a veggie or fruit is healthier...you lose a battle of the minds with a child and instead of going to the crisper you grab for the cookiejar. KILL YOURSELF NOW or call the Department of Social Services and turn yourself in as a bad Parent. A three year old that says cookie, and you buy into the fact that because a Monster on TV said cookie, you have to give said child a cookie...you're in need of a Frontal Labotomy. Here's a thought, let cookie monster EAT COOKIES, and then you as a parent can be the responsible one and put the cookies on top of the refridgerator in the cookie jar where a child of less cognitive ability will not be able to deduce that a ladder, a small safety net, a climbing harness and a short length of rope can be fashioned into a cookie retrieving device. A child that can't make a cartoon character from a toilet paper tube and cut paper yet, shouldn't be able to win a battle of the minds with an adult when it comes to a snack. Cookie Monsters name ....COOKIE MONSTER. implies that he eats cookies. if you're the parent that made a stink cuz he wasn't healthy...Turn the F-in TV OFF. What are you going to complain about next? If I sit down with my neices and the Count...Starts spitting out the Alphabet, I'm running over the first person I see with a stroller the next visit to a supermarket to get myself Chip A freakin' Hoy cookies and I'll smile with chocolate chips stuck in my cheshire cat grin.

"C IS FOR COOKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"



That is Super BULLSHIT

Oh, By clicking on the Cookie Monster Link above you can officially Toss A Salad with Cookie Monster. No Joke it's a little game with Sesame Street....Go ahead I dare ya...GO TOSS A SALAD, while you're at it, Tickle that Elmo.

Here's a thought that's entirely PC for you. Cookie Monster the inevitably influential Sesame Street Muppet has no throat hole and if you watch closely as I'm sure your children do, he never swallows a crumb of food be it cookie or anything else. I Hope and trust that your children don't develop eating disorders from this Icon of Childhood goodness. F-U Stupid parents!!!

That's "H'...."H" number of sarcastically levied put-downs for retarda-parents out there...."H" Ah... ah... ah.....

Crunchy Snow

Of the things that make me feel a little bit off, Crunchy snow is one of them. My only other thought on the entity that is cold crunchy snow is that I bet even a ninja would have issue walking quietly on the stuff. What a shame...even ninjas have issues sometimes too. A monkey that makes snow balls on the otherhand doesn't throw me off in the slightest.

Sleeping bags

My Pre-Press Production Manager, called me this afternoon waking me from a great dream...letting me know that I should bring a sleeping bag, and pillow to work, just in case they weather got to a point of no return. "WTF" let me sign the liability release form and my 4x4 truckski and I will make the journey 5min down the road to my apartment. General consensus in the office "Blow Me" and that's only the ladies I work with.
The daystaff were given a half day, and the work load they didn't finish will pprobably keep us here until 4am anyway... if I stay that long (There better be some free fuckin' coffee, when they wake my ass up sleeping under my desk) In the words of the immortal, or is that the immoral Fisher "IT'S NOT GOING TO SuCK ITSELF"

Schenectady has already cornered the market on jackasses getting stuck on oneway streets with me being the guy directly behind and most likely to push their ass an entire city block just so I can walk back to my vehicle and bomb thru the 5inches of snow.

Some how...snow storms here just don't bother me as much as they did when I was in Montana, the basic difference is that tommorrow isn't going to be declared a Powderday with all business shutting down for the duration. Bullshit.



I left my parking lot in a blaze of typical Toyota propaganda blasting through a recently plowed bank of snow complete with little bits of ice raining down as I rooster tailed dirty snow on a momo shoveling his car out behind where I was situated

AXE

I tried out an experiment this morning, and I've either disproven the commercial renditions, or set a new precedence. I decided before showering that I would test the Axe smell test in town. The difference is only that I have 6different kinds of axe and they haven't as of late afforded me with a very attractive lady tackling me, knocking me down, jumping me, and or showing the least bit interest. I figured the more you use the better the reactions right?
SO...I used all six profusely...and went to the minimart to get gas for my truck. Immediately upon entering the store to pay for said gas...the girl behind the counter reacted. Her nose scruntched up, and she almost gagged. This can be viewed one of two ways. 1.) She was so enraptured by my scent that she couldn't help but twist her face into a grotesque grimace to keep from launching over the counter with lustful thoughts, or 2.) She was going to vomit from the intense yearning for me as a sexy beast wearing the plethora of intoxicating smells and could only hope to contain herself but thinking of eating some revolting Survivor-esque bug based meal. In any event I was finally able to illicit a response by wearing Axe body spray...
Next step...finding the right person with which to share the stank.

In order not to attract the women I work with thus confusing the work relationship I have and camaraderie at the Gazette, after my experiment I washed my bad filthy self, and used only one stench. In the elevator a random dayside worker; I believe a photographer, commented that I smelled "nice". I pushed the "close door" button.....

OT

Got the call to come into work early to take care of some extranious Ads that are due to proof tommorrow. Now I could say that I mind terribly, or I could just say I don't care about the early work schedule. The fact is...when you work evenings, and basically spend your entire week waking up without an alram clock ( it's easy...just get a job that doesn't start until other people are eating dinner) You tend to enjoy the fact that you have something to do. Matinee movies are great if you choose to spend the money, books are fun to read if you don't finish novels in three days. Working means one thing at this point and it's the almighty kicker in the stuation. If my bosses want me to work extra they pay me handsomely...They offer the comp time and I flat out say pay me. A large paycheck at the end of the week makes me feel as though I didn't just join a Fraternity full of engineers, but sometimes I can get paid like one. Albeit a recently graduated senior that tests vagisil on a production line to insure viscosity correctness...but damn it he/she's an engineer. So this entire week, I've resigned myself to OT. I'll be making the 5minute pilgrimage to work 3hrs early and givin' it to the company real good.
HAHAHAHHAhahhahaha (<=laughin' all the way to the proverbial bank) uh scratch that...laughing all the way to the bank proper. HaH

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by....... Valentine's day chocolates and candy hearts, the word stereotactic • \stair-ee-uh-TAK-tik\ • adjective : involving, being, utilizing, or used in a surgical technique for precisely directing the tip of a delicate instrument (as a needle) or beam of radiation in three planes using coordinates provided by medical imaging in order to reach a specific locus in the body, and the number 0.00038.

Why you ask? Becuase it's freakin' random.

Hope you all enjoy your day of red flowers and precious gifts from that 'special someone. I'm makin' home made general Tso's Kung-Fu chicken, and eating it alone. Then if I have the ambition... I'm gonna get me drunk and take advantage of myself...... er um, watchin a movie.

Sleeplessness

Woke up in the middle of the night last night and I heard the words "It's Over" come out of my mouth. Pessimism is thebain of my existance. I'm fraternizing myself to think half full today.

If it happened 5000 yrs ago.....

Sad that a couple of dried up neaderthals can put your dating life into perspective.
I need to find some flint tools and an arrow head so that 5000 yrs from now they can dig me up like this.

Dead Beaver Viking Funerals?

Let's have a Huge round of applause and a standing Ovation for TEAM AWESOME!

it was years ago...yet just the thought of seeing the vid, brought tears to my eyes

G'morning sunshine

For the past week I've found myself waking prior to noon (10am to be exact)...and feel better about life.I'm not sleeping it away. Although there really isn't much to do in the fishbowl "without cable" and my fuzzy white ass sitting on the couch. I've been mapping out paintings that I would like produce, but haven't the materials to create them as I wish. The problem is only that I've been without gloss medium for acrylic paint and the drab flat colors don't do anything for me. Oil paint is super but it wouldn't be condusive to put it on canvas in my black mold infested place wasting the more expensive pigment on rotting canvas. The toxins that are used to be able to push and pull said medium would only add to the toxisity of my current health. That sounds really narsty. If a painting is going to say "look at me you moron" there has to be some gloss...unless of course it's flat pigment and is hanging on the wall in Guggenheim with proper museum lighting. Fishbowl does not equal Guggenheim. I'm using the cheaper end acrylics until I can get myself into a safer living space for the longevity of my work. Not so narsty...but inherantly saddening.

On a lighter note...I'm almost finished with "The Art of Thinking Sideways" a thoroughly impressive read. 72 chapters on anything and everything graphic and holy in the design world. Think about that.....Sideways!

Recovery

Recovering...and hopefully going to be at the doing well status in the very near future.

"In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain."
~Pliny the Elder (23 AD - 79 AD)

It's amazing a practical stranger can affect how you view life.

SNAFU

I didn't quite make it to all the adventures in culinary delight this past weekend. Although....Fridays Green Curry chicken potato mush at Solo and Becky's was the bomb. And then there was the lasagna a la, Vulcan Oven in a not so fresh fraternity kitchen. I made due, and had some beers as well. It was great to meet up JY, Virlkdirt, J.Lynn, Syberdins, Dre and S.Savaaaad people I haven't seen for months, if not years. I'm not purposfully leaving out the rest of you monkeys, cuz you know it's always good to see you as well. I met a few new friends... and

There was an incident that occurred Friday evening well into Saturday and on to Sunday....., before noon, I had left to return for work prior to any solid resolution to the problem or any great word. I'm shattered for having to jet and not be present to support in some way. ""..........



<=Crazy Shit happened in here=>



..........."" Somber.

I hope and trust that all those involved with said crazy incident recover and are able to put things back together. My prayers are with you, and it's "My God" that I'm talking too, so you're in super better hands!


I'm shot, and my emotions/thoughts are wrecked.... It's not a good night to be sitting in the office.

Red eye

I'm takin' the red eye flight to the great white north, to have Duff's wings, Norwood Diner gravy fries, and the 3pancake challenge at Caroline's. I'll be 5x5 in the pipe at 0230 zulu E.T.A. 0600....just in time for the Pancakes.
Following a few days of R&R I'll take the freedom bird back to the 'dirt to work during the SuperBowl...enjoy the game folks.






That pizza bagel will only be purchased if it's on a pumperknickle bagel (a la, Bird)

Thankyou

I'd like to personally thank Flexfit, Pearl Vison, Stafford, Hanes, Mountain Hardware,The North Face, FirmGrip, Levis Strauss, L.L.Bean, and the Timberland company for supporting my efforts to effectively dress myself today. I would also like to convey my sincere gratitude to, Arm and Hammer, Listerine, Paul Mitchell, Dove, Herbal Essence, Aveeno and Axe Body Spray for keeping it real.....real clean.
It wouldn't have all been possible without the support of Skippy, Smuckers, Freihofer's, Crowley and Cabot, Stouffers, Pepsi Co., Nature Valley, Green Mountain Coffee Roasters, General Mills... in general, and Dackets Vending lottery.
My patronage and the mutual respect we have for eachother with regard to propaganda have come to their pinnacle.
Thank you for converting me to a respectable human being, clothed, clean, and fed, i.e worthy of public appearance, .

Warmest Regards,

the Slug typing

P.S. I'd also like to thank the Fucker who just dented the side of my truck while I was at work, without you life wouldn't have been in perspective today. Mutha-F'er I hope you get hit by a bus while carrying a 50gl garbage bag full of thumbtacks and a naked picture of Michael Jackson, scum sucking low life piece of monkey funk. FU!!!!!!!!!! ( the extra use of exclamation point actually signifies that I'm laughing on the inside, my truck just moved up on the rugged manly scale)

I WIN

So the Ebay thing, worked apparently I'm the orangutan that can swing through the trees better than the other primates...I'll be wearing this on the next roadtrip after it arrives. Blast-shield and all the electronics work..anyone need a co-pilot in their private plane? I'm a prety poor navigator...but at least I'll look good. Rule number 1 in life. You gotta look good, doesn't matter if yor 45 and wearing a diaper at a bar....if you look good doing it, you're golden.




Now all I need is a callsign and I should be set. Or perhaps an Electrical Engineer that can rewire my cel phone to work in the headset. (whoa, Stellar)

Ebay

I've never used Ebay, not that I'd be looking for a bunch of llamas or something to that effect. I decided today that it was a moral imperative that I get one item that has been on my mind for quite sometime. I've bid on the item, and there are 4 other monkeys in the race and I'm hoping that 13hrs from now I'll be the proud owner. Since this is my first dip in the pond that is Ebay I'm still wary of any snapping turtles that may be under the murky surface of the water. We'll have to see how it all works out in the end.

I can't reach the ejection handle!

- You're gonna have to punch us out.
- I can't reach the ejection handle!

- Eject...
- Watch the canopy!



OK technically it's not a Naval Aviators helmet..it's a US Army attack helicopter's skull cap.."It'll serve the purpose just as well."

Todays Randomness

Todays Randomness is brought to you by Caribou Coffee Vanilla Latte Chewy Granola Bars (coffee in stick form), the word vertiginous • \ver-TIJ-uh-nus\ • adjective1 a : characterized by or suffering from vertigo or dizziness b : inclined to frequent and often pointless change : inconstant *2 : causing or tending to cause dizziness 3 : marked by turning : rotary, and the number 527.

Magnify the most difficult details

As my bank account grows I consistantly find new reasons and new things that I want to spend my hard earned cash on. After bills and whatnot that leaves little or no ME money but I can always skimp on food stocks. I don't know if I've mentioned before that I wanted to start in earnest to be one of those regular apes that spends a dollar a day on a dream in hopes of winning the lottery. Winning the big one, being the go to guy for any slime out there that wants to solicit donations from a super rich philanthropist. The last few...er, um everytime I submit numbers for the Mega, bazillian ball lottery to open my chances I'm generally off by about 5 numbers. Since there are only 5 numbers chosen to pick the winner...I'm never too happy about the outcome.
I changed my mode of thinking and have moved on to a different lottery, kind of. Today was another adventure with the vending machine lottery. It may seem stupid, and it may be a bit juvenile...but gosh darn it. I play the vending machine lottery and I win almost everytime. One dollar and a dream...I put my dollar into the machine, punch in a number and almost instantly I get a prize. Today I played the number E6 and won an Iced tea. (extatic? you betcha!)
It sometimes doesn't work and I lose the vending machine lottery, case in point... I typed in the number f5 the other day and was expecting to win some trailmix. It wasn't in the cards...the prize for F5 got stuck. I eventually strong armed my prize from the machine. I put a shoulder into it, grabbed it by its sides and shook the hell out of it. Eventually the machine relented and dropped what was coming to me. I couldn't help thinking how doing that at the lotto machine in the local convenience store would have landed me in jail. Quick pick/ scratch off..."no winners" grabbing the clerk and thumping their skull until the register opened and gave me some money. On occasion I've even gotten double the prize, a week ago I played the number B2 and not only won some Snyders Pretzels, but also pulled down a bonus of oreo cookies. That means that someone may have lost in the lottery and didn't have the muscle to beat the machine into submission to retrieve their winnings. I'm gonna stick to the vending machine lottery it makes me feel good to win.

Festering weekend

Again I festered this weekend, I had planned to travel and make a few suprise stops to see friends in 'Cuse, P-dam, and the Toga on the return round trip.. I had nothing but fester.(Not uncle fester...If I had a relative that could light a lightbulb in his mouth that'd be odd) I woke up on Thursday morning and my eye itched a bit...it turned to border line ouch by the end of my shift staring at the computer Thursday evening, and when I awoke on Friday "Morning"; yes morning...10am, I was going to hit the road, my left eye had "the funk", it was cemented shut such that you could only see something similar had you landed on Planet LV426, Or watched any of the the scifi Aliens movies having seen the cocoons and stuff. I had to chisel my eye open. No chest bursting little critters, but one hell of a time opening the eye.
I decided that since most of the folks I would have visited had young children, some very young, that it would be best that I not bring my funky eye to their residences. It's not like I would actually pick up one of their kids and touch my eyeball directly to one of the childrens' ewwww with a capital ewwww. I thought it best to keep my eyes to myself. It would have been horrible for Uncle Bob to deliver temporary blindness to the wee ones.
Don't be worried, my eye is better, although they do have more green color than usual this week, it seems to be taking over the gray and brown. Or perhaps I just haven't noticed cuz I don't look into my eyes much until there is a problem. So there is the weekend round-up, I had a festering gunk that turned my eye color more decidedly green, and didn't have the chance to leave home, not wanting to infect the young of my friends.
They pay me at the Gazette, so I'll tak ethis opportunity to start another glorious weeks wages.

In my mind

I'm having an ongoing internal debate as to the effectivenes of my social skills since I started working the late late late shift. It seems that I've fallen from a normal guy, to a rabid social misfit. Granted to takes some work to be a social creature as it is, but I'm having some difficulty. I find myself more and more removed from contact in general and haven't been able to keep up with personal contact with friends and family. When I do get the opportunity I find that inevitably I stick my foot in my mouth with regard to proper interaction/etiquette.

Case in point and one that I've seriously been kicking myself in the arse for, for a good while. I had the chance to hang out with a couple that are nothing short of stellar great people and was invited to dinner. I was in a social acceptable funk I guess at the time, but enjoyed making dinner and having a few cocktails with them. During dinner I tried some food I'm not usually inclined to partake and in a thought or thoughtless second (I think this will be funny to myself) I spit out a simile and mentioned that my taste buds were tuned to this food such that it kind of tasted like new shoes smell at a shoe store. (that folks is a rude ass thing to say) Step one, insert foot in mouth, step two kick one's own ass, step three think about the interaction for a month to work yourself into anxiety attack. It didn't help that my hosts were gracious enough to offer that I crash there for the evening, and a prior engagement which was easily cancellable prompted an early exedus. It was a foolish call and I'm kicking myelf over that as well. I left and immediately felt dispair with my poor friendishness.

I've always had issues with saying good bye either after an evening, a hour long visit, a few days at my folks place, the last eye to eye meeting between past girls and I, and just over all in general (Nhu-Mai comes to mind...I really F-k'ed up that one hardcore). A handshake, and a hug for the lil misses? A pat on the back and a little bow out for the lil lady? A hearty smellya later? How is it possible to take leave of an encounter and be socially on top of your game? At points I know it'll be weeks if not months til I see the people again face to face...where do the standards come into play and what are those standards. I also find that when I end up leaving a place I have a hard time with eyecontact...is that a character flaw, or just a social imperfection? Eye contact being one of the best interpersonal interactions that you can have denoting that you are A.) interested and attentive, b.) aknowledges the fact that you are present at the time and not off in la la land and C.) respectful enough to not stare at someones shoes while speaking to them even if it's saying see ya around. I'm such a bitch when it comes to thinking of my interactions of late, and frankly I suck.

Hopefully I'll be able to travel soon and put into practice better guest relations and provide myself with a basis for something less than self contempt.

Today is one of those days it's better to be looking into the fishbowl and not swimming around in it.



This arrived in the mail today and I'm going to line it with tinfoil to keep the voices out.

4hrs of Food Shopping

Although most people think of Malwart as a bain to society. I find after looking at my W-2 that the food-mart has better prices than the Nisky Food Co-OP...on average only 3$ cheaper for everything. You won't find Free Range Chicken broth, but a boys gotta eat...and I've been working out lately and I needs me some foods. (don't worry ladies...I'm still wafer thin, and zombie-esque... I'm not overly ripped yet) I spent an inordinate amount of loot today to stock the fishbowl with provisions that should last me until April, or two weeks from now depending on whether or not I want to serriously get my eat on. It took me 4 hours to get my shopping finished for a few reasons. The first is that my place is boring, I already primed a few canvases in the last few days, and also didn't feel like smelling like Plastilina today. Since I was up at 10am, there was nothing to do.
I wandered around the mega-store people watching with an air of snootiness...I'm not like these people I thought, "ever been in a Walmart in the wee hours of the morning? The freaks come out at night"..then had the realization that I'm no better than anyone. I'm a walmart shopper today..everyone else here is doing the same thing. Except "that guy" whose sticking stuff in his puffy jacket. I'm definitely above that guy. I shopped and shopped, loaded fresh veggies, frozen dinners, Party sized Stouffers goodness that will last about one meal..you know all the essentials. I then spent another hour searching for the perfect treat to compliment my frugality..ice cream? nah....donut goodness for breakfast? nah.....chocolate somethings that will make me break out in huge spots and look like a heroine addict, nah....... I decided on not deciding, and headed for the checkout. I bought pants on the way...hell they were right there. It was the first time in 10months that I couldn't hit the express aisle. I felt good.
I later stopped at Stewarts and bought 2 half gallons of icecream, I couldn't resist.
I returned to the fishbowl and noticed that they had washed the blood off the sidewalk bully for the cleaning crew. Mugs was at it again...two customers, I went in and unpacked the groceries.
Not a bad day for a guy used to sleeping until 3pm letting the world spin by preferring the back of my eyelids to the funk that is the 'Dirt.
TONIGHT I EDIT the COMICS for the week...(<=insert gratuitous laughter) I get paid to do it.